AIBU husband signing up for London marathon.

[Christmaspanic24]

He just informed me tonight and I'm really annoyed. We have 3 small children, both work busy jobs and we have been doing an all consuming house renovation. I literally feel like we never have a moment to spare and that we barely manage to stay on top of life. He isn't a runner. He might run once a month at that. We have no family nearby, no extra childcare or support. When he talked about the London marathon a few weeks ago, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea at this point in our lives because of how hard he would have to train and that would mean more time away from us as a family. He already works long hours, so that leaves me on my own with 3 kids. Then he just informs me he's signed up and he thought I'd be more supportive. So angry. We were supposed to be decorating the Christmas tree and now we've had a row.

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about this?

*he wasn’t a runner

I agree a 10k is much more sensible. You can basically wing it if you run slowly with a bit of training.

Sorry I missed the bit about it being a charity place. That would give me pause actually. Fundraising is really hard and can involve annoying your friends and relatives a bit and can take as much time as the running training.

To be honest it doesn't sound like he's thought it through. If he hasn't done races and things before he may be underestimating the reality of the training himself. I bet he pulls out.

@Crumbleweed

Good on him. Going against the grain here but you can run a marathon without it taking over your life. I managed it with 2 young children and a job commuting into London. I trained 3 times per week - 1 x5k run before work. 1x10k run after work and 1x long run at the weekend. Completely doable.

I would echo this.

I have run a marathon and the training takes over your life. I also had a charity place and needed to raise £2000 which added a lot of pressure; is it a charity close to his heart?

If he runs early at the weekend he can be back by 10ish. My children were all school age though which helped. I would be supportive but make sure you get some time to yourself too.

The chances of hun actually getting a place is pretty slim so I would be panicking yet.....

I’d be more annoyed at him working long hours than running a marathon. It’s important to have goals and keep fit and healthy and do things for yourself as a parent. It sounds like you need more time to yourself too OP.

@MaddieElla
Well jolly good for you. My point stands.

The house renovations were his idea, now he has the new idea of running marathons.

Sounds like he thinks nothing through properly and you are expected to just go along with his new ideas as they come up and pick up the slack.

@scissy

YANBU - I'm the runner in this house, I've never entered a marathon (entered several halfs) precisely because of the time it takes to train - it wasn't fair to do that to my family!

Depends how regular a runner you are

My DH regularly does them from scratch ( or did). Did New York a few weeks before being diagnosed with cancer with no prep.

YANBU.

Training for and running a marathon can be done with consideracy, and this does not sound like a well considered plan.

I've gone up to HMs so far, and did my first while the DCs were 1 & 3 and working p/t. It involved getting up early on Sunday mornings when there was little impact on family life, and I timed them so much of the training was through the summer holidays when I had more time. I am considering a mid-life crisis 40 marathon... it should have been 2021, but I'll leave it until 2022 when the world is more stable. DH knows it's on the cards; his greatest concern is my energy level which is a fair point. I will just do a normal city marathon. I don't want to try the ballot nor have the stress of fundraising.

Your best bet is to talk to him about the logistics of working this around family life with minimised impact. It can be done and as PPs have said, the brunt of the longest runs will fall August/ Sept. Before that point, he shouldn't need to spend hours running. However if he is serious, it would be good to build up a base of 5-10k comfortably before picking up a 16-20 week training plan.

Good for him. I did it last year with a toddler - i trained three times a week. I also raised £3500 for charity.
I run with a buggy so my toddlers come too. Loads of people in my running club have young kids and we make it work. Say you do your long run on Sunday morning - ok, great, get up, get out and get it done early then get back for family time. Even at longest you don't need more than four hours and you don't need more than two or three that long in total - all your long runs can be done by ten thirty if you get up early enough. Partner gets Saturday mornings.
Run two mornings or evenings a week. My husband builds his runs into his commute. I do mine with the buggy. Sometimes we go to club so it doubles up as social time. During covid and WFH lunch breaks are also acceptable running time. You only need up to 7 miles at most as a weekday run which is barely more than an hour and that's one of the days, more often 5k is fine, so half an hour. You can do intervals or hills to be more efficient.
It's just about planning to make sure you're making the best use of the time available. Also this is your life partner who you love and cherish. You want the best for them whether that is to achieve their sporting goals and crazy ambitions or just to enjoy some downtime and relaxation in the madness of raising children.

YA definitely NBU and thats as someone who has run a marathon (whilst my H looked after our 3 children).

BUT, we discussed it first, thought about what the training plan would be, and he was supportive.

For everyone saying it doesn't take over your life or impact family laugh - you have to be kidding!!

If you get up early in the morning to run, and then do a long day at work, you're unlikely to be the life and soul of the party by 9pm! Similarly if you go out running when the children are in bed, you're not spending time with your spouse in your "child free" time. If the OP has been on her own all day with children, then maybe she wants to spend time with her husband in the evening. Completely reasonably.

I followed a 4 month plan for the marathon - by the 3rd of 4th week, the weekend run was more than an hour. And that's just the running -not the warm up time (making sure you've eaten, got drinks organised, got changed) or afterwards (shower etc). Its easily 2-3 hours out of a Saturday or Sunday for the long weekend runs early into a training programme.

And that's before the charity element. Some charities DO make you commit to a minimum amount and pay it yourself if you don't raise that total, and also fundraising is time consuming.

Its not unreasonable for your H to suggest it, but it needs to be a family decision. Most families have limited family time. Your H unilaterally deciding he's going to take up a chunk of that family time for his own activities, without any prior discussion, is completely wrong. YADNBU.

YANBU. People vastly under-estimate how time consuming and intense marathon training is! I would be angry too. I've done one marathon (pre daughter), having run half marathons previously and I found the step up in trainnig gruelling. There was definitely a point where I wondered why I was doing it becasue I'd stopped enjoying running - perhaps once he realises just how much running is involved, he'll back out.

@WillSantaBeComingToTown I hope your DH is ok with the cancer and is in or working towards recovery but he sounds like a runner who has done enough training in the past to be able to do it.

Someone once said to me the first time you run a distance is the hardest, after that you know you can do it. He can run marathons without much prep because he knows how to do it and what to do (and presumably does some running inbetween).

The OP said her husband isnt a runner and runs once a month at best - there is a wide range of ability within that. He could be someone who ran before from whom this is doable. Or he may not be

It’s all very well people saying it’s easy to fit the training in, but what about the “all consuming house renovation”.

So you have little kids, working long hours, house renovations and no quality time together. All of those things will strain a relationship, never mind all of them together.

YANBU to be pissed off.

I'm the runner in our house. I was training for my 3rd marathon back in March. I'm always asking DH if I run too much or if it takes over family life. He always says no. He's never asked me not to run at certain times etc. I didn't do my first until my youngest 7. For me it was always never going to do one (after all I only took up running with the plan to run 3-4 miles two or three times a week), to maybe one day and never say never then before I knew it there I was crossing the finish line.

I went out on a night or early Sat morning for my long runs. Used to do 10/11 miles before parkrun, 3.1 miles during parkrun and then whatever else I needed to do for that week. Was usually home by 11 ish at the latest.

I do plan to do an ultra one day, but it wont be until the youngest has started secondary school.

Going by what you have said, it sounds like your DH isn't too bothered about times etc and just wants to do it. He doesn't need as much training in that case. Obviously will need a bit, but would need more if he was aiming for a time.

I think doing a marathon is an amazing thing to do, and a wonderful thing to achieve in life - but not when that's at the detriment to your family.

Either he needs to cancel, or you need to work out how it's going to fit in with family life. When is he going to train? If he can do it while the kids are at school/nursery, great. If he's regularly going out leaving you with the kids, not fine - unless he makes up for it elsewhere.

This could be something really good if you all work together as a family to make it work. But if you're not on board with doing that, it's not fair on anyone - and it's not unreasonable for you to NOT be on board with it!

[quote Quartz2208]@WillSantaBeComingToTown I hope your DH is ok with the cancer and is in or working towards recovery but he sounds like a runner who has done enough training in the past to be able to do it.

Someone once said to me the first time you run a distance is the hardest, after that you know you can do it. He can run marathons without much prep because he knows how to do it and what to do (and presumably does some running inbetween).

The OP said her husband isnt a runner and runs once a month at best - there is a wide range of ability within that. He could be someone who ran before from whom this is doable. Or he may not be[/quote]
He is ok- he had a second cancer diagnosed

Was meant to be doing an ironman this year (has done a few before) but that was cancelled

His view is that if you can run 13 miles then you can slog it out for a marathon. he runs about 7 miles on a typical weekend run-most weeks

And there are a lot of posts saying it can be done -

IF he's considerate
IF he arranges his runs for early mornings

Maybe I'm a cynic, but the way he announced it, with no discussion or agreement on how it's going to work, makes me doubt it.

OP there are also posts saying he may never get to that point, that he'll get fed up of the cold and the rain and give up. to me that's beside the point. He's done what HE wanted to do, regardless of your feelings, or the extra work and childcare it will put on you. I suggest you find a hobby (coffee and a book in a cafe sounds perfect), that you get your equal time, and that if he gives up, you don't. No doubt he'll say that as he's not getting his time you shouldn't have yours, but he should have thought of that when he made his unilateral decision.

For all of you making suggestions on how OP's DH can make it work with his family, etc, etc, it'll only happen if he is doing this for the right reasons.

I get the impression from OP's posts that this is just another ill-thought out impulse. They both work, long hours. They are in the middle of a renovation instigated by him. OP seems to be doing the bulk of the childcare already.

Yet OP is supposed to be supportive of this? Where's his consideration for her? Nowhere, that's where. He's even trying to guilt trip the OP into putting up with this. Not the action of a decent bloke, so I doubt he's going to be considerate with his training times.

This is such a knobby thing to do.

Years ago when our children were very small, dh informed me that he'd entered the ballot for the London Marathon. That was towards the end of him doing an MBA on top of working full-time, no family help etc.

Fortunately, he didn't get a place but I was absolutely incensed that he could even think about doing that after years of me providing all the weekend childcare so that he could study, using his annual leave to revise for exams and without consulting me.

Sense prevailed, and he did a couple of 10kms, a couple of halves then did a smaller quiet marathon a few years later.

There are three things here. Firstly, and most importantly, your family situation doesn't accommodate one of the adults training for a marathon at the moment. Secondly, that it's completely daft to aim to run a marathon when you're not a regular runner and haven't done shorter races. Thirdly, it's a fuck of a lot of money to raise for most charity places - that's another drain on his time and headspace.

YA most definitely NBU OP.

You sound quite selfish. It will be good for him and an amazing experience. I have run it twice (with young kids) and my husband was supportive which meant a lot.

Let the bloke be ! He’s doing a good thing. Ive run 4 marathons and i hVe 3 kids.

They’re still alive and well and so is DH,

I totally get all the points, both yours and others made, but I did the marathon a few years ago when we were in the same stage as you, working, kids, no time. It was a life goal to be ticked off and I knew I'd never ever do it if I didn't just go for it. Life passes you by if you dont reach out and grab onto a few different things as they catch your attention. And there's always night time for the two of you