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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU husband signing up for London marathon.

227 replies

Christmaspanic24 · 04/12/2020 18:38

He just informed me tonight and I'm really annoyed. We have 3 small children, both work busy jobs and we have been doing an all consuming house renovation. I literally feel like we never have a moment to spare and that we barely manage to stay on top of life. He isn't a runner. He might run once a month at that. We have no family nearby, no extra childcare or support. When he talked about the London marathon a few weeks ago, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea at this point in our lives because of how hard he would have to train and that would mean more time away from us as a family. He already works long hours, so that leaves me on my own with 3 kids. Then he just informs me he's signed up and he thought I'd be more supportive. So angry. We were supposed to be decorating the Christmas tree and now we've had a row.

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about this?

OP posts:
mpsw · 04/12/2020 21:24

I would check that he's really got a place.

It's possible that a charity has a place it can give out, but it's a seriously odd timing

dumpling23 · 04/12/2020 21:25

YANBU! It's not the marathon in and of itself. With small children and full-time jobs you are both seriously short of leisure time and he's signed up for something that requires a significant amount of me-time without consulting with you. It's deeply disrespectful and selfish. This is not how marriages work and you have every reason to feel upset.

Quartz2208 · 04/12/2020 21:25

@WillSantaBeComingToTown I agree actually I think once you hit 13 miles then you are a pretty fit and decent runner and the remaining miles are just a matter of mental strength and endurance.

I dont see any sign of that here in terms of running

And I agree with other posters its the fact he has decided without consultation he is doing something he clearly has no experience in

Brefugee · 04/12/2020 21:25

You can make it work, and have time for your own hobby if you want, but you need to make the plan together.

As a bit of an ad hoc runner (once a month) your DH is going to have to work out a training plan, and then you can discuss the best way for it to fit around his and your work, your renovations and your family life.

I'm the runner in our house and when I'm training i can get a bit obsessive. Luckily i don't have small DC to take into consideration and I prefer early mornings for running so it has always fit into our family routine.

Kindlethefourth · 04/12/2020 21:47

I just don't get the 'if he spends x amount of time on a hobby then I also get to spend x amount of time' on mine concept. There will come a time when you may want to do something like this/have a separate holiday etc and it doesn't need to be at exactly the same time. DH started a part time MBA on top of a full time job when DDs were 10 months and 4. I worked part time. He would often lock himself away to study for whole weekends/use annual leave to study/revise and went away for 5 days as part of it. I supported him 100%. As a family we reaped the benefits when he got jobs which needed that qualification and we took DD1 to his graduation. Was his turn to support me when I had a promotion and worked full time crazy hours. When he was on gardening leave for a period of time he did everything re:childcare. Neither of us ever totted up the hours.

christinarossetti19 · 04/12/2020 22:21

It's not about the marathon, it's about the process of decision-making in the relationship.

OP says they discussed it a few days ago and she said that she didn't think it was a good time for the family as a whole.

Her dh ignored her views and needs and went and got a place anyway.

That's not okay in a relationship, when one person is saying that they're struggling with work, three young children and a house renovation.

A reasonable compromise would be for him to run regularly (although he hates it) and look to do a 5km and a 10km next year, maybe a half if he really gets into it, with a view to doing a marathon in a few years when both parties in the relationship agree that it's the right time.

GreenlandTheMovie · 04/12/2020 22:25

I put YABU, because I think if you were interested in doing something to improve your fitness, or achieve something, you would hope that he would support you.

I agree that a 5k might be a better option, but he might not get a place in the marathon anyway, and this might actually just be a useful prompt to him trying to become healthier and fitter.

Africa2go · 04/12/2020 22:29

@Kindlethefourth that's completely different. You were both doing things that benefited the family / finances and presumably had a conversation about it before your H did the MBA or you went for the promotion. No comparison at all to the OP signing up unilaterally to a marathon.

Africa2go · 04/12/2020 22:30
  • OP's husband
LolaSmiles · 04/12/2020 22:30

It sounds like he needs an event to train for to give him a kick to get started, but the London Marathon when life is hectic takes the piss. YANBU at all.

Look at your week, identify what time there is reasonably for hobbies and then divide it: you get half and he gets half. If he wants any more than that he needs to get to earlier and do it before the kids get up in the morning so he can be back and present.
You then have to keep to your down time and not turn your down time into family time.

He'll quickly realise that he doesn't have the time to train because the family schedule doesn't have space and then if he starts moaning about how his marathon will never happen then you smile nicely at him and point out that maybe he should have selected a distance that best fitted his current running level and available training time. That way you've been totally supportive and any issues are entirely due to his piss poor planning.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 04/12/2020 22:35

@Christmaspanic24

He even said, I'd support you if you were doing it!Angry
WTAF did he think you'd be supportive of his incredibly selfish decision? He's just trying to guilt you. As he doesn't have enough sense to realise that now is not the time, you had to explain it to him, then he went against you anyway! Fuck wit. Ask him why he thinks you should be happy to work full time then look after the kids & the house, while he fucks off to do as he wants with the time he is at home.

Selfish git

Alicatz66 · 04/12/2020 22:43

My DH gets up at 5.00am and goes scampering about in Lycra .. I don't get it !.. but he's 55 and I'm 54 so our kids are grown up .. would get on my nerves if I had small children .. just leave him to get on with it , it will freak him out if you stop nagging ! ..

Fizbosshoes · 04/12/2020 22:56

I love running and have run several marathons, even when DC were very young. I'm lucky that a) I havent worked full time since having DC and b) my DH is on board.(He has his own sports that he prefers)

Ops DH prob wont have to start training until April or May, and its easier to fit longer runs in when theres more daylight.
An 18-20 mile run can easily take 3-4 hours + time for shower/recovery.
Fundraising can also be very time consuming, most people in my running club end up organising charity quizzes etc to try to raise funds.

maddy68 · 04/12/2020 23:05

Wow. You a dbu whyvwoukdnh you want him to do that? I find it totally wierd that anyone is too busy to have time to themselves. You make time.

LolaSmiles · 04/12/2020 23:09

Wow. You a dbu whyvwoukdnh you want him to do that? I find it totally wierd that anyone is too busy to have time to themselves. You make time.
He can have half of whatever time is available for hobbies.

The problem with making time is that in an equitable relationship both people make time so both if them get some relaxation and hobby time.

In a non-equitable relationship one person unilaterally decides they're going to take up a large commitment without consulting their partner, or worse asking their partner's views and then ignoring them. This usually means that 'making time' means one partner picks up the domestic load to facilitate the selfish one.

saraclara · 04/12/2020 23:27

Why are all the posters saying that OP is BU, ignoring the fact that they already have major house renovations taking over their life?

It's not two people with 9-5 jobs and running taking a bit of time a few days a week. This is a couple who are away from home 12 hours a day and THEN have to be dealing with the renovations as well as their three kids.

JADS · 05/12/2020 05:56

YANBU

I'm training for a half marathon in May. I run when the kids are in school or get up early on a Sunday Morning. It would be selfish any other way.

I hate to heap on the misery though. Charity places need sponsorship, often £2k upwards. So it's not just the training either.

rwalker · 05/12/2020 06:18

Running in VERY felxible you only need to be doing 1 long run a week and a few short ones LM late on next year so early morning or late night runs .

tara66 · 05/12/2020 06:30

Not read many PPs. I think it's an ego thing. Why oh why? I don't get that sort of thing anyway.

Chippednails · 05/12/2020 06:31

Some of the responses on here are a bit ridiculous. I’ve run many marathons with 3 small kids and a full time job. I run early in the mornings so am back mid week by 7 to get myself and kids ready for the day, then at weekend start my long runs at 6 am meaning I’m back at the longest training run point (about 3hrs) at 9am when they are having breakfast. There are ways and means of it not interfering. He just needs to be considerate of how it fits in. Also it would be amazing for the kids to see him do!

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 05/12/2020 06:34

@Christmaspanic24

He isnt a runner. He doesn't like running. I was the runner. He only started going because I did. He's doing it because others are at work. There is no passion or life desire here. He's always said he doesn't understand why people would want to run a marathon

This comment leapt out at me, OP. Do you still have time to run? Or have you sacrificed that for family and the house renovations that were his idea? I’m wondering if it a passion of yours that you feel he’s jumped on and taken from you. If so it’s time to claim some time back for you.

TillyTopper · 05/12/2020 06:34

Could you use this as a catalyst to talk to him about the fact you have no time as a couple have a huge amount on with house renovation and 3 kids? I'd be at least getting down time equal to his training time - but I appreciate that's not going to sort the house.

Perhaps sit down and make plans for what needs to be done by when on the house with a budget (as this would be a major source of worry and time) then plan in some couple time. Tell you feel you are barely surviving whilst he seems to have taken the time out.

LightasaBreeze · 05/12/2020 06:39

DH has run loads of marathons, about 250 and wouldn't dream of putting in for the London one as it is too much faff and too many people. Running and fundraising takes up a lot of time and I would make sure he is doing his share of childcare and that you have time to pursue a hobby also

swampytiggaa · 05/12/2020 06:43

I’m considering a marathon next year probably a local one although I have entered the ballot for London. No way would I go for a charity place... I’ve seen how the fundraising takes over your life and realistically how much you need to put in yourself to make up the shortfall.

Tbh the training will be ok. Not bothered how long it takes so no pressure there.

Crustmasiscoming · 05/12/2020 06:46

He even said, I'd support you if you were doing it!

You HAVE to do it. Please.