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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU husband signing up for London marathon.

227 replies

Christmaspanic24 · 04/12/2020 18:38

He just informed me tonight and I'm really annoyed. We have 3 small children, both work busy jobs and we have been doing an all consuming house renovation. I literally feel like we never have a moment to spare and that we barely manage to stay on top of life. He isn't a runner. He might run once a month at that. We have no family nearby, no extra childcare or support. When he talked about the London marathon a few weeks ago, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea at this point in our lives because of how hard he would have to train and that would mean more time away from us as a family. He already works long hours, so that leaves me on my own with 3 kids. Then he just informs me he's signed up and he thought I'd be more supportive. So angry. We were supposed to be decorating the Christmas tree and now we've had a row.

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about this?

OP posts:
WokesFromHome · 05/12/2020 06:47

I wouldn't stop my DH doing something that improves his fitness and reduces stress levels but I would ask for the same time back to do what I wanted. It is only fair.

WouldBeGood · 05/12/2020 06:50

You should read the new Lionel Shriver book @Christmaspanic24: The Motion of the Body Through Space

WouldBeGood · 05/12/2020 06:51

And taking up running, fair enough. Taking up marathon training for the first time with all that going on is just selfish.

emilybrontescorsett · 05/12/2020 06:51

I feel your pain op.
I would ask him when he came Brenda to do his train I g and when he intends to do the house renovation. In all seriousness a parent with 3 very young children shouldn't be doing all this, unless he can do it when the children are in bed which is very doubtful. He sounds selfish and I'm all into fitness but not at the expense of expecting my oh to pick up all the slack.

Pumpertrumper · 05/12/2020 06:52

You’re falling into the trap of assuming you’ll have to pick up all the slack. I’d be ‘supportive’ (smile and sound encouraging) whilst asking questions like ‘oh how exciting, so how are you going to train with the kids? Have you looked into a double buggy for runners?’

Then casually mention that since he’s doing this it’s really motivated you to also get out and do something ‘for yourself’. So you’re considering taking up a new hobby. Maybe a ‘book club’ (take yourself off to a cafe for 2+ hours and read alone whilst eating cake and playing on your phone.

Don’t tidy up when you come home and the house is disgusting...etc because he’s been home with the kids.

Before DS I did EVERYTHING. Then with DS I still tried to do everything. Even making DH’s lunches and meals. Literally all the cleaning/tidying/calendars...etc

Then I got pregnant with number 2 and sick. I literally just stopped doing it. Did the bare minimum for DS to be happy, clean, fed and comfortable but DH could sod off starve and live in filth. I stopped caring. He would just leave stuff all over as so used to me cleaning up after him and his ‘such hard job’.

It took about 2 weeks of him making ‘the house is such a mess’, ‘I’m fed up of the mess’, ‘don’t you think it’s gross and cluttered in here?’, ‘why is there never any food in anymore?’ Comments, and me making totally disinterested grunts of response before he FINALLY came down one Saturday and cleaned the whole house then went to the supermarket.

Now he just does it. Because he knows I won’t.

SingANewSongChickenTikka · 05/12/2020 06:58

It is doable, I did it with young children. But it needs discussion, agreement and commitment. I’d do my shorter runs in the evenings, and head out for my long weekend run at 4/5am so it wouldn’t impact too much on my home commitments. Charity places are hard though (I got through on the ballot) as the extra time needed to fundraise is hard. It can be done round family life, but depends how much he really wants to do it and how much effort he’s willing to put in.

FortunesFave · 05/12/2020 07:04

I think YABU. Do something for yourself that equals the London Marathon.

KihoBebiluPute · 05/12/2020 07:13

Yanbu the amount of extra time he would need to leave you alone with the kids to train for this is too big for it to be a reasonable step for anyone to do without discussions and agreement with their spouse/partner.

If it weren't for all the pandemic stuff going on I would be suggesting that a possible way to make it feasible, if you could afford it, would be for him to arrange to temporarily drop down to say 0.6fte hours at work, in order to give him the time to train and have some time left over to take on more of the childcare and give you an opportunity to indulge one of your own leisure pursuits. However that would be a terrible idea at this time when so many jobs are precarious anyway!

Bigbouncingbaby · 05/12/2020 07:14

I’ve always been a runner even when my kids were small but it’s time consuming. Mainly I used to get up at stupid times to run like 5.30 am to get in before they got up . Marathon training is epic and time consuming.... he is being selfish . The house renovation too it’s one or the other I would say

lemonsquashie · 05/12/2020 07:16

Bet he gives up. Not only is it a lot of training, it's also a heck of a lot of money to raise for the charity. I would keep quiet

Wineiscooling · 05/12/2020 07:19

I started running years ago because it was exercise that fitted round my busy life. I've ran 5 marathons, the first when my youngest was 3. There is no denying running marathons takes up a lot of time but it can be done with minimal impact on the family. All my running in the week was done either early morning or later in the evening when the kids were in bed or when they were chilled out reading. The mid weeks runs were no more than hour usually less so little impact really. As I built up my weekend long runs it does start to impact a bit but the really long runs only last about 4 to 6 weeks of the training and I always did it first thing on whatever day we had the least planned.. I think you are being unreasonable. Thankfully my husband was supportive of my running and was proud of me rather than bitter. Why don't you find a hobby too? I know life is busy but my running has given me massive mental and physical benefits and got me through some tough times.

FippertyGibbett · 05/12/2020 07:20

How ever long he spends on training, you get the same time to have to yourself. And make sure you take it - even if you sit in Starbucks car park drinking a coffee and scrolling through your phone.

Moirasrose · 05/12/2020 07:27

I do think he should’ve properly talked about it beforehand. Will he be getting up early to fit running in so it doesn’t eat into the weekend?

TweeBree · 05/12/2020 07:47

YANBU. Him getting up at 5 AM so it doesn't impact family life is the only way I'd support it in your circumstances.

GettingAwayWithIt · 05/12/2020 07:55

Does he have the opportunity to run during his lunchbreak at work? Failing that he could get up early and run before work, lots of people do that to fit their training in. Or go out after the children have gone to bed. Or a mixture of all three. How old are your children? Is there opportunity for one or all of them to go out with him one weekend day on bikes while he runs?

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 05/12/2020 07:56

YANBU, given your family's present circumstances and the way he has foisted it on you without taking heed of your concerns.

@Pumpertrumper - love your style!

rookiemere · 05/12/2020 07:58

Signing up for a 5km or 10km as a non runner would be a sensible, achievable goal which genuinely would not take much time, if runs planned around family life.

A charity marathon, presumably with a £1k+ charity fundraising goal, nah not so much. Highly unlikely he'll keep going though as it's such a huge commitment, so perhaps just smile and nod, but yes go for a run or get out yourself.

dottiedodah · 05/12/2020 08:00

I think he is being unfair to you TBH. You already have plenty to be getting on with as it is by the sounds of it! Really pisses me off when Men just expect women (wives of course!) to be a default childminder while they are off "doing their thing" ffs!

again2020 · 05/12/2020 08:03

I've ran 3 marathons, all pre child. Used to run for 3-4 hours on a Saturday/Sunday morning. Those days are definitely over now I'm a mother, I still run but for 30-45 minutes.

I do think he is being unreasonable. It takes so much training and preparation. It's unlikely he will get in though, I've entered London 3 times before and have not gotten in, I think it's about a 1 in 15/20 chance these days.

AuntieStella · 05/12/2020 08:10

It's unlikely he will get in though, I've entered London 3 times before and have not gotten in, I think it's about a 1 in 15/20 chance these days

OP said he has already bought a charity place

So he has fundraising to tackle as well

And as OP says 'I was the runner' - if she had marathon dreams herself, he's really pissed on that too

henryhooversnose · 05/12/2020 08:20

I suppose it's his natural ability as a runner to begin with ? My husband did one last year he only did an hour run on a Sundays . Then when it was nearer maybe one after work as well . So didn't impact on family life at all .

rookiemere · 05/12/2020 09:02

@henryhooversnose it would be very unusual to run a marathon without being injured unless you have some long distance runs under your belt. I think under 3 hrs for a marathon is classed as pretty damn good, so at the very least the DH should be out for a fee 2-3 hr runs and as he's not likely to be an elite runner, nearer 3-4 hour runs.

Your DH sounds very lucky not to have hurt himself with such inadequate training.

saraclara · 05/12/2020 09:10

@Wineiscooling

I started running years ago because it was exercise that fitted round my busy life. I've ran 5 marathons, the first when my youngest was 3. There is no denying running marathons takes up a lot of time but it can be done with minimal impact on the family. All my running in the week was done either early morning or later in the evening when the kids were in bed or when they were chilled out reading. The mid weeks runs were no more than hour usually less so little impact really. As I built up my weekend long runs it does start to impact a bit but the really long runs only last about 4 to 6 weeks of the training and I always did it first thing on whatever day we had the least planned.. I think you are being unreasonable. Thankfully my husband was supportive of my running and was proud of me rather than bitter. Why don't you find a hobby too? I know life is busy but my running has given me massive mental and physical benefits and got me through some tough times.
Were you doing all-consuming house renovations, too?

Read the OP again:
We have 3 small children, both work busy jobs and we have been doing an all consuming house renovation. I literally feel like we never have a moment to spare and that we barely manage to stay on top of life.

Alos, and importantly, they had a discussion about this, but even after OP had pointed all this out (they barely have a minute to spare - so where is he going to find even an hour's running time?) and said it was a bad time, he went behind her back and registered anyway.

christinarossetti19 · 05/12/2020 11:23

I agree saraclara.

It's his unilateral action, after his partner has said it's not a good time for the family and that she's already feeling overloaded that is the problem.

shivermetimbers77 · 05/12/2020 11:30

I did a marathon (aged 26 and pre kids) with the same amount of prep time as your DH has. I was already quite fit and trained well, but still got horribly injured. It’s a real strain on the body, especially the knees, and they still haven’t fully recovered many years later. Maybe I was unlucky, but if I had my time again I would give it another year (at least) of prep. So, not only is he being selfish, but he’s also rushing it and risking injury.