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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU husband signing up for London marathon.

227 replies

Christmaspanic24 · 04/12/2020 18:38

He just informed me tonight and I'm really annoyed. We have 3 small children, both work busy jobs and we have been doing an all consuming house renovation. I literally feel like we never have a moment to spare and that we barely manage to stay on top of life. He isn't a runner. He might run once a month at that. We have no family nearby, no extra childcare or support. When he talked about the London marathon a few weeks ago, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea at this point in our lives because of how hard he would have to train and that would mean more time away from us as a family. He already works long hours, so that leaves me on my own with 3 kids. Then he just informs me he's signed up and he thought I'd be more supportive. So angry. We were supposed to be decorating the Christmas tree and now we've had a row.

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about this?

OP posts:
DrunkenUnicorn · 04/12/2020 19:11

If he’s got a charity place you can expect it to cost a fortune too. They have to raise a fairly significant sum (my DH last had a charity place in the late 00s so I don’t know the exact figure, but even back then I think it was around £1.5k).

If you can’t raise it with sponsorship from friends and family then you have to find the rest of the amount yourself...

I’d be livid

Strawberrypancakes · 04/12/2020 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MessAllOver · 04/12/2020 19:12

Tell him you've decided to sign up as well to support him. So 2 evenings a week, leave the house in running gear as soon as he comes in, find a nice local cafe (assuming still open due to Covid) and then settle down with a good book and a sandwich while he sorts dinner, bath and bed. Do the same for one day at the weekend. If he complains, tell him you thought he'd be more "supportive".

LouHotel · 04/12/2020 19:12

I have three kids and work full time and gearing back up to running a marathon next year which means going from running 3 times a week to 5 times, eventually 50 to 70 miles a week and that's based on running long distance pre kids so not my first rodeo.

My running plan is to go out at 4am from january so I'm back before the kids are awake and I need to get ready for work, this is what alot of people in my running community do bar a long run at the weekend. This is what he will have to do, we're not professional sports people it's not our spouses responsibility to facilitate a hobby, he has to work out how to fit in the mileage which doesn't involve you being his manager.

motorcyclenumptiness · 04/12/2020 19:13

Sign up for an ironman - that'll teach himGrin
Isn't LM next autumn? He'll have nice light late summer weekend mornings for his long runs, he'll be home by 10. Or he can take the kids with him on their bikes/get a running buggy. Or run at lunchtime, run to/from work, do 2 shorter runs a day instead of 1 long one, get a head torch and run when the kids are in bed ... running's very flexible, it needn't be an excuse to go awol. You will, however, have to endure months of boring running talk, which is far more of a challenge.

Strawberrypancakes · 04/12/2020 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ibblebibbledibble · 04/12/2020 19:13

Wow, well I’m glad my husband was supportive of me when I’ve ran marathons. Give and take and all that. Yes it does take a lot of time, but it’s finite, there is an end date.

LouHotel · 04/12/2020 19:14

But its not worth falling out over and I think that's the wrong tack. Have you ask him what running plan he will be following?

StCharlotte · 04/12/2020 19:14

@Christmaspanic24

He even said, I'd support you if you were doing it!Angry
I dare you!
SnackSizeRaisin · 04/12/2020 19:14

I think you are being unreasonable. It doesn't sound like he has many hobbies. Running isn't going to take that much time - 30-60 minutes 3 times a week to begin with, and a few longer runs towards the end. If he is doing it all of both Saturday and Sunday mornings that is clearly unreasonable.
Both of you should have things you enjoy outside the household. Think of something you want to do in an equivalent amount of time and enjoy.

Crumbleweed · 04/12/2020 19:14

Good on him. Going against the grain here but you can run a marathon without it taking over your life. I managed it with 2 young children and a job commuting into London. I trained 3 times per week - 1 x5k run before work. 1x10k run after work and 1x long run at the weekend. Completely doable.

Dozer · 04/12/2020 19:14

He is BU. And it sounds like he’s already not doing a fair share of the parenting etc.

Dozer · 04/12/2020 19:16

Who was doing the parenting/childcare, crumbleweed? If your partner, did they get similar leisure time, then or before/after?

ShedFace · 04/12/2020 19:16

Op do it. I’m not even joking, sign up! Alternate your runs and get into it together. Either it’ll be completely ridiculous and you will realise you can’t afford the time and go on a long walk on the day or it’ll be something amazing you do together and you can help each other with the fundraising and get the kids involved in junior park runs etc if they are old enough.

We have two pre teen dc with their own sports and clubs and commitments, both work very stressful jobs and have recently finished our house and training is something we bond over and have in common if that makes sense. We also have so many friends though the sport and all go on holidays together with the dc etc. It sounds crazy, you might hate it but it could change your life

Clymene · 04/12/2020 19:16

@Crumbleweed

Good on him. Going against the grain here but you can run a marathon without it taking over your life. I managed it with 2 young children and a job commuting into London. I trained 3 times per week - 1 x5k run before work. 1x10k run after work and 1x long run at the weekend. Completely doable.
And who looked after your children while you did that?

It's unilaterally deciding that you will absent yours leg from childcare - even if it's 4am - that's dreadful. It is not being a team player. And oh ones toy, if your marriage is a bit shaky, it's a bit like lobbing a grenade in.

ChristmasFluff · 04/12/2020 19:17

He's opting out of family life. He's also making decisions unilaterally. If he is going to act like he's single, maybe he needs to be reminded he currently isn't, but that this could change?

If you divorced him, you would get every other weekend off (although this assumes he's something near half-decent) - maybe he needs to be reminded of this.

Maybe you do too. Even if he never had the kids, you wouldn't have the resentment of a person who isn't pulling their weight.

Clymene · 04/12/2020 19:17

Who looks after their children while they do the race @ShedFace?

SummerHouse · 04/12/2020 19:18

I ran a marathon when DCs were 4 and 6. It was a big commitment. But I don't think it was felt by my partner or children. My long runs were on a Monday night after they were in bed. Soul destroying, dark, cold runs till 9.30 or later. Short runs in my break at work. It does seem like you have a lot on. I would definitely not have done it when DCs were younger. But if your DP is prepared to make sacrifices to ensure that you don't feel the brunt of the training, then this could be really good for him. And as an extension, good for the family. I think our experience as a family was positive and I would do it again.

Baronessbrigade · 04/12/2020 19:18

I'd say that I was so inspired by him and his commitment to the marathon that I'd decided to do the same/train for a triathlon/start playing hockey or similar, and that my training schedule would take up the same amount of time. And i would tell him I expected him to be supportive of me in my new endeavor.

See what he makes of that and just nod along to all his objections!

ShedFace · 04/12/2020 19:18

Whichever one isn’t running. Two parents, two options. Grin

Pikachubaby · 04/12/2020 19:19

It’s totally standard

Lots of men start very time consuming hobbies when they have small kids, it’s a cliche

My DH took up a very time consuming hobby when the kids were 1 and 3...

Look at all the middle aged men cycling, running, golfing, sailing to escape the drudgery of family life

I only got equality with DH hobby time when I started going out just as much as him...

I had to actually DO it before he realised

It took us years to regain a balance

But yeah, it’s a standard script...

Clymene · 04/12/2020 19:19

I grew up with a marathon runner dad. It was fucking shit. Our whole lives revolved around his races and his training. It's up there with MIMILs in terms of incompatible with family life.

generallynot · 04/12/2020 19:19

If he's signed up now, then presumably it's a charity place (as I think the ballot is closed). So that might also mean a commitment to raising several thousand pounds as well as the training. My dh did it a couple of years ago and I think he had to commit to raising about £3000, so not just sponsorship, he also needed to do a few other fundraising things to make the total.

The training itself is like having an extra job, and dh was already a runner. The later training runs are very long and take a lot of recovery, e.g. dh might do a 2-3 hour run on a Saturday morning and then have a recovery nap until lunchtime.

So yes, it's a huge time commitment. I voted YANBU, but then I do understand why it's a bucket list thing for many people, so part of me wants to say YABU and suggest you try and support him - maybe that will be better for you all in the long run if this is important to him. I don't know...

sirfredfredgeorge · 04/12/2020 19:21

this could mean him being out of the house for 2-3 hours at a time

I never understand this, I actively want a few hours with just the kids, and I actively want my partner to have a few hours with just the kids, those relationships are important, just as much as entire family ones.

When the entire family is together all the time it's actually harder not to fall into particular roles of parent X is the one who always gets the food, parent X the one who consoles the hurt, parent X who stops the fights.

If my family and partner couldn't find time for me to have a couple of hundred hours to myself over the next five months doing something that is positive for my health, I think I'd be pretty sad - I'd also be pretty sad if they didn't have any similar wants, and just wanted to moan about a house renovation (great if they want to do that as a hobby of course)

onetwothreeadventure · 04/12/2020 19:22

I think yabu OP. Honestly, from experience it shouldn’t impact family life too much as long as he is considerate as to when he trains. Most training programs are four days a week and the weekend runs only build up later in training. It’ll be great health wise, both physical and mental. Ask him to do early runs or late runs or lunch it’s an option. If you have a stroller aged kids and somewhere safe to run you could try pick up a jogger stroller and have him take one of them with him (most dads did this where we were living previously but it wouldn’t work in my current location due to lack of park).

Agreed on talking up your own hobby and making sure you get time for it. I think it’s only fair to be annoyed if he doesn’t allow you the same freedom to do something you’d like.

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