Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU husband signing up for London marathon.

227 replies

Christmaspanic24 · 04/12/2020 18:38

He just informed me tonight and I'm really annoyed. We have 3 small children, both work busy jobs and we have been doing an all consuming house renovation. I literally feel like we never have a moment to spare and that we barely manage to stay on top of life. He isn't a runner. He might run once a month at that. We have no family nearby, no extra childcare or support. When he talked about the London marathon a few weeks ago, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea at this point in our lives because of how hard he would have to train and that would mean more time away from us as a family. He already works long hours, so that leaves me on my own with 3 kids. Then he just informs me he's signed up and he thought I'd be more supportive. So angry. We were supposed to be decorating the Christmas tree and now we've had a row.

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about this?

OP posts:
Clymene · 04/12/2020 19:40

Well I was deeply resentful of the boring hours I spent cheering my parent on or waiting for them to cross the finish line. Just FYI for all the people who think their kids' childhoods are enriched by revolving around supporting a parent pursue their dull time consuming hobby.

SummerHouse · 04/12/2020 19:41

Straw. Camel's back.
Flowers I think he has been a bit thoughtless / selfish / rash.

ivykaty44 · 04/12/2020 19:42

As long as he understands that every hour he is away training - is hours with the children whilst your out doing your hobbies and he can support you

PatchworkElmer · 04/12/2020 19:43

How much money does he have to raise? 😬

The only thing I would say (as a runner, and as has been said up thread)- if he cares about doing this but protecting time with his family, it can be done in a way that minimises the impact on you and DC. It won’t have no impact, but it can be minimised.

On a week day I will run 10-14k get up and out at 5am, so I’m back before DC wakes at 7am- and can get myself sorted for work, and him ready for nursery. On weekends I am still up and out for 5am, but I do a longer run, so I tend to get back when DC is awake but still having cuddles in bed with DH. I have a quick shower, and we all go down for breakfast together. Impact of my running on us as a family is minimal.

This is a plan that I worked out with DH (who also runs and has other sporting hobbies, so he does get his own ‘down time’, too). DH runs in the evenings once DC is in bed. It is important to both of us that DC sees us making healthy lifestyle choices, but the priority is always time as a family.

He is out of line to commit to this without asking you. I would be asking him to come up with a plan to minimise impact on family time, a fundraising plan, and also a plan for you getting some down time too.

AuntieStella · 04/12/2020 19:45

The fundraising will take up more time than the realises. The minimum charity 'ransom' is £2.5k these days. Some ask considerably more.

I'm mildly,surprised places are being given out at this point - most charities have waiting lists and only all date their places after the main ballot (as any runners who get a ballot place dintntake up one of their limited and valuable places)

Training for an autumn marathon is a PITA, as you have tomdo your longest runs when it's still likely to be hot weather. Thus is however a win for you. He runs at 5am weekdays (shorter and challenge runs) and 3am weekends (once long runs are over about 16 miles). Comes back, showers, brings you breakfast in bed and does the child wrangling hoist you have a civilised start to the day.

I lovely friend of mine trained that way - because he wasn't a dick (and was a regular runner). He sacrificed some of his mileage to take the littlest DC in his buggy (did a shorter hilly run to build strength/stamina in a different way) very early in the morning without waking his wife, somshe could sleep in (as the older DC weren't sleep hooligans - taking the baby meant everyone else couid sleep until a more civilised time. And he made his long runs part of his commute

Can your DH match that example?

ShedFace · 04/12/2020 19:46

My dc do triathlon too. One is a lifeguard and one is a very good rugby player. I have no interest in those sports myself but schlepp all over the country to clap at his matches in the rain and take the other to meets and have made friends out of the other parents. We’re all into sports and all support each other. We’d rather a day at the running or rugby club than a night in front of Eastenders or in the pub hungover all the next morning. Everyone has different interests.

Chocowally · 04/12/2020 19:47

There are other more manageable runs is sporting events he could start with. A 10k (going for a fastish time or in a fun location) or a half marathon can be really good targets and much more manageable to train for.

SpaceOp · 04/12/2020 19:52

OP, YANBU overall. I do laugh at all the women on here coming on to say they did it and it didn't impact family life.... because most of them were out running at 5 am or whatever. In my experience, men do not do this unless very firm discussions are had in advance. So, you can either insist on your own similar amount of time. Or ensure that he understands that HE needs to be the one to sacrifice to make this happen, not you.

When DS was a baby, DH signed up for a marathon. Theoretically, I was fine with this, especially as he'd recently taken on a role as SAHP and I felt it was really really important that he had his own time.

Except... if he was training, he couldn't possibly help at night or get up with the baby because he needed his energy for training. Okay, annoying. But I could live with that. Then, to ensure he was sufficiently rested before training on a Sunday, he'd get up at between 8 and 9am. Then have a slow speed preparation to get going, often only leaving the house at around 10. And of course, the runs were long.

One day, having gone for a 3 hour run that took 4 because he got lost and having left later than normal because he'd overslept and faffed about, he came in at 2pm. I was sitting on the floor with DS - who had been up since 5 am and had not napped. I wasn't even angry by that point as I pointed out that on mothers day I'd been alone with the baby since 5am.

It was the shock DH needed and he still apologises about it nearly 10 years later. After that, he was up and out of the house by 7:30 on the weekend and if that meant going to bed earlier than he liked or going for a run while tired, then so be it. This self indulgent crap where I was left literally holding the baby disappeared and I was happy to continue to support him as he ran a couple of other marathons over the years.

Nunoftheother · 04/12/2020 19:52

@Clymene

I grew up with a marathon runner dad. It was fucking shit. Our whole lives revolved around his races and his training. It's up there with MIMILs in terms of incompatible with family life.
Wtf is a MIMIL? (Yes, I Googled - I got pet food.)
bathorshower · 04/12/2020 19:55

Another one whose father was a marathon runner when I was a child. He was training 6/7 days a week. To be fair, he'd been running (internationally) before my parents met. He also had a full time job. He was very good at fitting in training - he used to run to or from work each day (as work was a mile away, I presume he took an indirect route) and then one long run on a Sunday morning. We still did plenty of activities etc. (and he was the only driver). However other parts of our lives had almost certainly been slotted together to make it work - living near his workplace made a huge difference as his commute was only 5 minutes on a bike.

I would be mightily unimpressed if DH announced something similar to me (though the thought of him running a marathon is pretty entertaining). He knows full well that anything that requires childcare needs a discussion.

PatchworkElmer · 04/12/2020 19:55

@Nunoftheother I think it’s meant to be MAMIL (middle aged man in Lycra- cyclists)

AuntieStella · 04/12/2020 19:57

Wtf is a MIMIL? (Yes, I Googled - I got pet food)

I think It's a typo for MAMIL - middle aged man in lycra - but it's a a term usually used for mid-life crisis cyclists

merlotormalbec · 04/12/2020 19:57

Oh god. My husbands done 2 and I didn't ever see him. It was horrible. He also wouldn't eat or drink anything unhealthy so was a very dull few months. I've banned him from future ones

Tiddlywinkly · 04/12/2020 20:00

This thread makes for interesting reading. My dh and I both work full time. I started running when youngest child was 1. This was so that I could fit exercise in around our lives (too many gym fines for having to cancel last minute). Dh isn't that bothered about exercise outside the home.

I built up to running a marathon when my youngest was 3. I run after the dc are in bed, in the morning in summer, forfeit my 1 weekend lie-in opportunity etc. I've now run several marathons and one ultra.

However - I've always discussed races and training with dh and I don't take the mick. I built up to marathon distance over 18 months. Chances are your dh will lose motivation quickly when faced with the reality of cold and rainy runs or get an injury from training overload.

In your shoes, if he continues with the training, you'll need to insist on some 'you time' and he'll need to realise that he needs to get in his hours with minimum impact on family life.

I've always just paid for general entry in local races or time qualified for places in the world majors marathons. How will he find the time to fund raise for his charity place on top of everything else?

mistermagpie · 04/12/2020 20:01

My DH had a place at the London marathon next year, deferred from this year. He does run but not as much as I do, he's a member of a running club though and got the place through that. We have three children aged 5 and under.

I've entered the ballot myself but it's so unlikely to work out that I really wouldn't worry about it too much OP. Personally though I would encourage him, it's a healthy pastime and yes a long run can take up half a day but most training plans are only 16 weeks and you're only doing really long runs a few weeks out of that.

He needs to schedule training around the family though. So running after the kids are in bed or early in the morning. If he's not willing to do that then I can see why you're annoyed.

Indoctro · 04/12/2020 20:01

It doesn't have to consume your life

1st time I did a marathon which was also London years ago I didn't even really know what a marathon was , I'd only started running a few months before , basically did no training and rocked up on the day totally unprepared

It wasn't that enjoyable about took me over 5 miles but I finished and got my medal

If finishing is just the aim it doesn't have to take up loads of time

KyraGoose · 04/12/2020 20:06

He could get up earlier in the morning to train? Some nice 430am starts sound fun??

megletthesecond · 04/12/2020 20:09

Yanbu. Monumentally stupid of him.

Lightwindows · 04/12/2020 20:09

Think you're being a bit unreasonable. There's been some good suggestions on here about how to fit it in around family I.e very early morning/after they're in bed, on his lunch break etc. Think you need to have a conversation about how this can happen without you being left doing loads of childcare. It is a good thing to do, good for his health. I'm into running and thinking about a marathon in a year or so, my children are 7 months and 2. And I think my DH would be supportive. Please don't be a put upon wife , my mum was about my dads sports hobbies for years and he would never change . But that was a different era, most men are different now so just open up the discussion for how it can be done fairly from the start.

AlwaysLatte · 04/12/2020 20:12

Tbh I would be proud of my partner for doing that. My husband worked abroad for several months at a time with just a few flights home each time and I managed with a baby and toddler. Marathon training wouldn't take as much time as that.

iloverock · 04/12/2020 20:12

Has he actually got a place. If not I wouldn't worry about it.
He won't be getting a place anytime soon unless he's bloody lucky or he pays for one

Quartz2208 · 04/12/2020 20:14

@Christmaspanic24 what is his running ability like now - what length of run can he comfortably do

AlwaysLatte · 04/12/2020 20:14

Anyway I also meant to say that we did discuss each contract before he took them, though!

AlrightTreacle · 04/12/2020 20:19

YANBU, unless your kids sleep through and he's planning on going for very late or very early runs.

Sunshineandflipflops · 04/12/2020 20:21

My ex h did the marathon a few times. The first time I was really supportive as he want a runner abs he was doing it for a charity very close to our hearts. The subsequent times the enthusiasm wore off as it became clear he was doing it for the kudos rather than for selfless reasons.
I became sick of his weekend long runs as the marathon drew nearer. Half the day would be gone by the time he finished abs then he would moan the rest of the day how tired he was. I would arrange for us all to do something usually though out of principle.
One time he injured his foot while running and we were taking the kids to a theme park in the afternoon so he hobbled around and kind of ruined it.

I run but never more than a half marathon because of the training involved.

I’d say he should do it once (but he should have got your support first), support him as much as you can but make it clear it’s a one off and when it’s done, you get time to do something for you.