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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU husband signing up for London marathon.

227 replies

Christmaspanic24 · 04/12/2020 18:38

He just informed me tonight and I'm really annoyed. We have 3 small children, both work busy jobs and we have been doing an all consuming house renovation. I literally feel like we never have a moment to spare and that we barely manage to stay on top of life. He isn't a runner. He might run once a month at that. We have no family nearby, no extra childcare or support. When he talked about the London marathon a few weeks ago, I told him I didn't think it was a good idea at this point in our lives because of how hard he would have to train and that would mean more time away from us as a family. He already works long hours, so that leaves me on my own with 3 kids. Then he just informs me he's signed up and he thought I'd be more supportive. So angry. We were supposed to be decorating the Christmas tree and now we've had a row.

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off about this?

OP posts:
Lilybet1980 · 04/12/2020 19:22

It wouldn’t even cross my mind to consult DH if I wanted to sign up for a marathon.

It’s one (increasing) long run on the weekend. So absolutely no reason why you would be left with the kids both mornings. Use it as a great reason why you get a lie in, or time for the gym on the other day.

All the other runs can easily be fit in during the week. It just requires getting up very early or being prepared to run late evening.

ToManderleyAgain · 04/12/2020 19:22

Could you encourage him to do a half marathon this year instead? The training would be much more compatible with the demands of life with small children.

LannieDuck · 04/12/2020 19:23

@Christmaspanic24

Yes, I guess I just felt I would be left on my own every sat and sunday morning looking after the kids while he goes running. I also thought he would be going for runs 2-3 nights a week, again while I have to be stuck at home with the kids. If I insist on taking the equivalent amount of time to do my own hobby or see friends,it means we'll never actually be in the same room at the same time.
You might only have to do it for a few weeks - taking the same amount of time as him - for the reality to sink in for him.
Crumbleweed · 04/12/2020 19:24

@Dozer

Who was doing the parenting/childcare, crumbleweed? If your partner, did they get similar leisure time, then or before/after?
Their father. And yes he did get time to exercise too. A 3 hour run on a Saturday morning still leaves plenty of time for the other person and to spend time as a family. It doesn't have to take over your life.
SheSaidHummingbird · 04/12/2020 19:24

If you have a shared calendar, can you ask him to choose a day and time every week for a date night/ daytime activity where you spend at least 3 hours together as a couple? It wouldn't be an unreasonable request amd he might realise how impossible the schedule has become.

SummerHouse · 04/12/2020 19:24

I would say I was regularly running 10 to 15k for over a year before I contemplated a marathon as recommended by people who know about these things. His plan does seem like a whim.

SheSaidHummingbird · 04/12/2020 19:25

*and

Pikachubaby · 04/12/2020 19:25

FWIW DH looks back at those years with huge regret about missing all the kids milestones/play parts / school stuff , the guilt is now massive (the kids remember so many things from primary school age that DH was just not part of. They are now 16/18 and he regrets so much the times not spent with them

Also, I was a martyr about for 5-6 years and thought “ my time will come” but once I had a lot of “me time” as DC went to school, DH switched career to a low paid job, so instead of finally doing my own hobbies... I had to work

So look after yourself and the kids’ interests here

Lampzade · 04/12/2020 19:26

I don’t blame you for being annoyed.
My dh has done the Marathon three times.
Each time he spent many hours training and l had to take on the lion’s share of the childcare while holding down a full time job.

MaddieElla · 04/12/2020 19:27

Wow. Thank goodness my husband wasn't like you in all my marathon attempts. Instead he supported me and stood cheering me on instead of denying me opportunities because it took away from family time.

I give him the same back with his hobby. I can't imagine being a dick about it but then again this is mumsnet.

ShivD · 04/12/2020 19:29

My husband did one a few years ago when I was pregnant with our 4th baby. I’d never even thought of it from the perspective given on this thread but I agree you make a good point.

In fairness, I trained to be a yoga teacher a couple of years ago that involved 6 lots of 4 day leaning courses which he supported me for so it all worked out in the end 🤷🏻‍♀️

My advice would be to find something you love/ enjoy and just do it. As busy parents Them seem like there’s not enough time for ourselves really have to make an effort to find time even if that means something else doesn’t get done (I mean chores here rather than important stuff!).

When we want to do something that involves leaving the others with the kids we discuss it before hand so it doesn’t lead to any arguments (speaking from experience!) e.g tomorrow he wants to swim, I want to do a yoga class. I check what time the classes I want to go to are, discuss with him what time works best for everyone and vice versa with his swimming.

The really important bit is that you don’t have to take on everything while he does this so that there’s no resentment.

haggistramp · 04/12/2020 19:30

If i remember correctly jade goody managed to run 18 miles of the London marathon on no training, being relatively unfit and allegedly on a stinking hangover. Once a month run sounds fine 😆 just make sure you get your equivalent once a month time to yourself.

Pootle40 · 04/12/2020 19:31

It's exactly the same for all the men who think it's ok to golf half the weekend. This to me is rooted in old fashioned chauvinistic attitudes. My MIL said my FIL used to sometimes golf Saturdays and Sundays when my husband and his sister were kids. I genuinely think for many men (not all granted) that they think they are entitled to do this as women look after the kids. They wouldn't admit it I'm sure but it is what it is.

Nunoftheother · 04/12/2020 19:31

Has he recently turned 40? Hmm

Seems pretty selfish to make that commitment without discussing it with you.

Newwayofthinking · 04/12/2020 19:32

Whatever time he takes out of the family to train, you take the same to do "whatever"

Tell him this is what you will do.

Original poster
Christmaspanic24 · 04/12/2020 19:33

I don't begrudge him time out or off. I definitely don't begrudge him time to exercise. If he had said he wanted to do a half marathon I could understand that. I would support that. He isnt a runner. He doesn't like running. I was the runner. He only started going because I did. He's doing it because others are at work. There is no passion or life desire here. He's always said he doesn't understand why people would want to run a marathon. It feel like he hasn't thought about it. At a time when we are on our knees he wants to bugger off training for a marathon. It's not like he's said... he needs 3 nights a week to exercise. That would be absolutely fine. He's committed to months of training, without even asking me or letting me know he's applying. I would never hold him back. And the house renovation was his idea. Something I didn't want to do but we've done. I'm not a moaning controlling wife. I just would have expected this to be a joint decision and I don't believe he's doing it for the right reasons.

But maybe it will do him good and he'll be healthier. I WILL get my own hobby /exercise schedule though as i don't think it's fair otherwise.

OP posts:
Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 04/12/2020 19:33

Wow. Thank goodness my husband wasn't like you in all my marathon attempts. Instead he supported me and stood cheering me on instead of denying me opportunities because it took away from family time.

  1. it's not his hobby
  2. did he leave you looking after 3 small children on your own after your working week in the middle of a house renovation?
Toomuchleopard · 04/12/2020 19:33

I run a lot and have 3 kids and I have terrible guilt so I always go out early and try not to impact on the family. Many of my running buddies are out running by 6am, I think you should suggest he does this at the weekends so will be back at a reasonable time.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 04/12/2020 19:34

I would sign up too, (or say you have). See how he feels his schedule can accomodate it

Crumbleweed · 04/12/2020 19:35

@Lilybet1980

It wouldn’t even cross my mind to consult DH if I wanted to sign up for a marathon.

It’s one (increasing) long run on the weekend. So absolutely no reason why you would be left with the kids both mornings. Use it as a great reason why you get a lie in, or time for the gym on the other day.

All the other runs can easily be fit in during the week. It just requires getting up very early or being prepared to run late evening.

Completely agree Lilybet. Am surprised by some of the responses. We encourage each other to take up challenges. I'm running tomorrow am and he'll go cycling on Sunday. Maybe it helps that there isn't any underlying resentment about childcare as both of us work similar hours.
ShedFace · 04/12/2020 19:36

Do it. 100%. Even if when it comes down to going you would rather slob out on the sofa with him, don’t tell him that. You are important and valuable and interesting and have your own interests as much as he does. Set the standard. Don’t let yourself be made into the childcare drudge moaning at home he is out to escape from, you’ve said yourself that isn’t you. Flowers

MaddieElla · 04/12/2020 19:38

I'm not sure you can read @Ihatemyseleffordoingthis

I left HIM looking after our young children, yes. He never batted an eyelid and all of them are proud of my achievements to this day.

Mumtwoboys90 · 04/12/2020 19:39

Not unreasonable at all he is being selfish family should come first we have 3 and id be the same in your situation. Tell him you've signed up too! See what he say then Wink

Lilybet1980 · 04/12/2020 19:39

I get left to do the morning routine on my own 4 days a week so DH can go to spin. As long as I get my own time to exercise as I want to I couldn’t really care.

ScrapThatThen · 04/12/2020 19:40

Well he's not going to raise the money or do the training is he? Just enjoying the early glory.