Is it okay for parents to call teachers by first name?

[thisisnot]

Hi,

At my child's previous school we referred to all the teachers by their first name, and they signed off with the same (in emails etc.).

But in this new school, despite the email address including the first name, the teacher always signs off as Mrs last name - even when I have sent the initial email with her first name.

I also sign off with my first name and she responds "hi mrs last name".

What is going on here? Is it wrong for me to call her by her first name? I don't want to be rude so I will stop if I am being unreasonable.

It just feels odd calling them mrs, but I understand there may be some etiquette I have missed.

I also don't like being referred to as mrs, but not to the degree that I would bother correcting anyone. Just not something I would use myself.

Please let me know what you think!

@Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor

Do teachers go in the staff room and go 'morning Mrs x how was your weekend?'

I've always imagined you do. It's a quaint image I have in my head.

We do quite often! It is a habit 🤣🤣

@thisisnot

That's fair.

But guess this means she should send my emails with my first name too!

Also just want to know why they like this?

(FYI, I will use mrs last name as you have all suggested, just curious to know why the mrs last name for someone you see every day?)

Because you are not friends. They are the professional paid to teach your child.

I dont expect anyone in a formal setting, or who I don't know, to use my first name

God, the UK is so stuffy about this sort of nonsense.

At DD’s primary school, the children call the teachers and principal by their first name.

As DS’s college, the boys call the teachers Mr, Ms, Mrs, etc. But the teachers use their first name in comms to parents, and expect to be addressed by their first name when in person.

Some people would have heart failure if they came here, I think. We even address our doctors by their first name.

The sky has not fallen on our heads.

I teach a specialist subject in a primary school. This week I was forwarded an email from a parent that had been sent to the school office. Both myself and the child's class teacher (year 6) got the email.

In the email, the parent introduced herself as First Name Surname parent of XXXX. Her email signature was Miss Surnames. I replied all and started with Dear Mrs Surname.

The class teacher followed up with another email to the parent and started it Dear Mum ;-0

I'm a teacher and I never know! Previous schools have insisted we maintain "Mrs/Mr X" in correspondence but current school don't seem to mind. If it's my first email I put Mrs X as that's what is on the pupils' timetables but afterwards I take my lead from the parents. It's a weird issue and seems different in different schools!

I think the issue is that in mainstream schools the distance between pupil and teacher is reinforced by using the surname. If the parent then uses their first name, it's slightly undermined (with the kids/parents who are a pain in the neck anyway).

In special ed I've always been known by my first name, to the kids and their parents. When kids have severe speech and communication issues, you make your name as easy to say/attempt as possible. Also the relationship with families is very different, and the use of first names helps the relationship.

Schools generally have a "way" of dealing with names. Obviously in this school it's the formal Mrs X for parents and teachers. It's not the teachers, generally, they decide that.

I've worked in schools where everyone, including teachers and pupils, were first names and other schools where even staff generally used Mrs X (in one we all used to joke that in pre-internet days the first name of the Head would have been as mysterious as Inspector Morse's name for years because none of us were to use it).

@thisisnot

Hi,

At my child's previous school we referred to all the teachers by their first name, and they signed off with the same (in emails etc.).

But in this new school, despite the email address including the first name, the teacher always signs off as Mrs last name - even when I have sent the initial email with her first name.

I also sign off with my first name and she responds "hi mrs last name".

What is going on here? Is it wrong for me to call her by her first name? I don't want to be rude so I will stop if I am being unreasonable.

It just feels odd calling them mrs, but I understand there may be some etiquette I have missed.

I also don't like being referred to as mrs, but not to the degree that I would bother correcting anyone. Just not something I would use myself.

Please let me know what you think!

Like with any correspondence, use the name they sign off with unless they say otherwise.

When it comes to business or professional relationships (and I'd class teacher-parent in that category) I wouldn't presume to use someone's first name without them initiating it.

Fwiw I sign my emails and messages I parents with my first and last names. I don't mind if parents call me by either.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with doffing caps or a power play or anything like that.

I prefer to be referred to as Mrs Grape because that’s my teacher name. It’s just a convention of my profession. I know my doctor’s first name (and rehomed our dog from her actually) but I still call her Dr Surname.

I’ve taught friend’s children and they still called me Miss Grape as I was then when in a school context.

I don’t get upset or anything if a parent uses my first name - I sign off emails as Firstname Surname and would say on the phone ‘hi is that Mrs/Mr/Miss Whoever, it’s Firstname Surname from Child’s school here’. I’m sure some parents have used my first name and it didn’t mortally offend me or anything, but it feels off somehow.

I always use title and surname for parents too - to not do so would feel like I was overstepping.

I’ve taught in countries where the convention is for both children and parents to use the teacher’s first name. Didn’t bother me at all because that was professional etiquette in that setting. It isn’t in any of the settings I’ve worked in in this country, and therefore I prefer to stick to what is the expectation for my current workplace.

@sirfredfredgeorge

*By signing off with Mrs Lastname, she's telling you she wants you to c all her Mrs Lastname*

Yet she doesn't acknowledge the OP's preference by how she signs her email...

Could be school policy or that she wants to keep the relationship of a more obviously professional basis.

I work in the school my child goes to. DS teacher calls me Mrs surname when I'm a parent and Christian name when I'm staff.

By surname only ta.

@wonderstuff

Completely agree op, at 6th form college as a student I used teachers first names, it was still professional. But it seems very important to some, had a teach in one school i worked at who insisted on the kids addressing him Dr., surgeons don't do that!

I thought surgeons were Mr or Ms? Not Dr.

I can't bear it when parents call me by my first name, it feels very rude and over familiar

Over familiar? You sound insecure.

I call my dentist, optician, hairdresser, physiotherapist, the dog's vet by their first names and none of them act as though their professionalism is being undermined. Why do some teachers feel they need to be addressed by their title in order to be respected?

Yet she doesn't acknowledge the OP's preference by how she signs her email...

No, but she's still being polite. It's normal to address emails to Mrs/Ms last name, the issue is with using someone first name if not invited to.

@Hollyhead

I just go with what feels right - but I do find it a bit wierd. I work in a very professional large organisation and even the Chief Exec is referred to by first name, so to then have to refer to the 21 year old NQT as Miss Teacher, is really strange. Plus I hate Miss/Mrs in a professional context - it should always be Ms to be professional, your marital status has nothing to do work!

If the person prefers Mrs, what's the problem? I'm not Ms Ogg and wouldn't answer to it

@Nanny0gg exactly, highly skilled actual medical doctors use Mr but this guy with a PhD in Geography got really upset if anyone addressed him as Mr instead of Dr. Seemed odd.

I used to find it deeply odd that teachers signed off communications as Mrs or Mr X at DS's last school. It was absolutely a rule of the school. When his childminder, who had looked after lots of children at the school down the years, joined the school as a TA, there was a huge stress on even the tinies suddenly calling her Mrs Smith all the time on school premises , even though she would often be walking them to and from school as 'Holly'.

At the one he's at now, all teachers, including the Head, are on first name terms with the children and parents.

I also don't see it as being that unusual in other professional situations either.

I call my doctor Dr Xxxx
I call my consultant Ms Xxx
I call my dentist Mr Xxx

Dh is a solicitor and almost every client (unless a long lasting relationship over the years) will call him Mr Surname and he calls them Mr/Mrs/Ms etc.

I know a few elderly people who still only want people they don't know very well to use their title and surname, not their first names.

I think parents who call the teacher by their first name are cringeworthy attention seekers, but that's only my opinion.
Calling the teacher by what she wants shows respect from you and also respect from your child who knows the teacher is not simply another adult in their life but a special one.

It’s not about power and deference.

There is a standard protocol for business correspondence.

When you write to a client or customer or business associate. (ie teacher writing to parent or parent writing to teacher ) you express respect by addressing them as Mr/Mrs/Miss whatever.

When you sign off, you sign yourself as first name followed by surname...ie Sarah Wombat. This should go for both teachers and parents.

In a professional relationship, you simply call the other person by their title and surname. It goes both ways and isn’t about anyone exerting superiority over the other.

Sometimes people will sign off as Sarah Wombat (Mrs) so that when the person replies, they know what title to use. That can be helpful from a teacher or any other professional.

However, as said, schools adopt their own protocols. You probably won’t find independent schools not addressing parents by their titles, but some schools might decide the professional methods of correspondence are stuffy or not understood and want to promote informality and so use first names in all communication. Sometimes it’s also that staff (especially younger staff) just don’t understand professional business correspondence.

If in doubt, always write to someone who isn’t your friend as Mr/Mrs/ Miss etc. You can’t be wrong in doing that. Signing yourself as Mrs Wombat is pompous and even though that’s what children might call their teacher and parents might call them that in both writing and in a meeting, it is poor form to use it in writing. Equally, if introducing oneself at a parents’ evening etc, the right form would be to say ‘Nice to meet you,I’m Sarah Wombat’

I guess that lots of parents these days aren’t familiar with these professional protocols and find it confusing. So if the teacher sign the self or introduces them self as Sarah Wombat, they think they should refer to them as Sarah in writing or person. But they are not your friend. Unless they actively say ‘please call me Sarah’ and that might happen if you need lots of contact, then I wouldn’t. That said, a teacher or other professional would be daft to take offence if called by their first name or to correct people. Things are a litttle more fluid these days and certainly in a lot of schools which are less traditional or keen to feel inclusive to a wide range of parents, they might dispense with standard courtesies to make people feel more comfortable.

I don’t think it’s unusual either. I would not address a teacher by their first name. I think it’s rude.

I say hello or good morning in emails and sign myself as doreen whizzle - pop. I really don't care. I loathe being Mrs outside of school but live with it for the sake of my job. Children and most parents call me Mrs W-P (or similar obvs) as my name is hyphenated and long. Seems less formal and does the trick. I'll either call myself Mrs W-P or Doreen W-P when I introduce myself on the phone.

Seems to be what most parents feel most comfortable with.

It was absolutely a rule of the school. When his childminder, who had looked after lots of children at the school down the years, joined the school as a TA, there was a huge stress on even the tinies suddenly calling her Mrs Smith all the time on school premises , even though she would often be walking them to and from school as 'Holly'.

Kids adapt to that really quickly.

I run a playscheme that also has breakfast club and after school care. At those I’m just Lyralalala to the kids.

For many years I worked in various schools in a learning support role and I was Miss X there.

The kids adapted to it much quicker than their parents did.

[quote wonderstuff]@Nanny0gg exactly, highly skilled actual medical doctors use Mr but this guy with a PhD in Geography got really upset if anyone addressed him as Mr instead of Dr. Seemed odd.[/quote]
Surgeons call themselves Ms/Mr as a form of inverted snobbery.