Is it okay for parents to call teachers by first name?

[thisisnot]

Hi,

At my child's previous school we referred to all the teachers by their first name, and they signed off with the same (in emails etc.).

But in this new school, despite the email address including the first name, the teacher always signs off as Mrs last name - even when I have sent the initial email with her first name.

I also sign off with my first name and she responds "hi mrs last name".

What is going on here? Is it wrong for me to call her by her first name? I don't want to be rude so I will stop if I am being unreasonable.

It just feels odd calling them mrs, but I understand there may be some etiquette I have missed.

I also don't like being referred to as mrs, but not to the degree that I would bother correcting anyone. Just not something I would use myself.

Please let me know what you think!

The other reason that it’s ‘moving on’ is because there’s such a wide scope of what’s acceptable, and so many opportunities for people to go wrong.

One party wants the formality, the other doesn’t.

Additionally, it’s much less obvious these days as to what someone’s title and / or surname even is. Mrs? Or Miss? Or Ms? Same surname as their husband? As their children? Possibly not.

It’s all well and good if, say, it’s tracked in a database, but that’s absolutely not always the case.

And we know how easy it is to offend someone by assuming a title they’ve rejected. Likewise, a surname.

So .... increasingly, people take the straightforward option of using someone’s first name.

There are early adopters of this, and late adopters. Some countries are much further down the line.

Again, if you need to insist on the formality, that’s your right. But I assume you don’t get irate when someone calls you Ms Xxxxx, when you’re inevitably Mrs. Because they’re just doing their best, right?

The 'they are not your mate' thing is probably quite weird to hear if you don't work in a school but if you do it is more relatable.

It is very easy for parents to blur that line of friend vs service provider - which is understandable considering you spend as much time with the child as they do.
But it is really important especially in secondary school to establish with the students that you are not their friend and many schools choose to stick with a formal title as if it is too friendly/informal with the parents it can blur the lines for the students.

Even if you call your doctor etc by their first name which is what some PPs have said they do - you don't see them/have some type of contact with them on a regular basis like you do school staff so it is a completely different scenario.

I know in my DDs primary school a lot of parents would always invite the teacher to the child's bday parties and they would have to decline because again it is blurring that line.

I do agree with the PP though about using last names as a safety issue. I hate that my students know my first and last name because I am constantly getting friend requests on social media from them and their parents, as do my DCs and family members weirdly. I do think only first names would be a good idea for that but then if there are several teachers with that name then it could get confusing.

@year5teacher it seems weird (and perhaps a little rude) to me that you can't call parents anything! If you want to be called MsTeacher, then why not call them Ms Parent?

@peakotter

I know one of my kids’ teachers outside school but still use her surname in school context, as that’s what the school do.

Must be easier for the teachers too, I would hate to have to learn the first names of 30 sets of parents!

Working in military schools overseas this became very complex as we lived alongside and socialised with pupils and their families. We told our own children that it was always Mr/Miss/Mrs in school, whatever they used out of school, those to whom we were close told the children to use their 'real names' out of school. One little girl in Reception called her Daddy Mr at home too, even when he was doing bath-time! I taught in High School and sailed with one of the 6th Form so I would get a note about races in my pigeon-hole addressed to Mrs, then it was Hans inside, worked well.

[quote SOmuchsparkle]@year5teacher it seems weird (and perhaps a little rude) to me that you can't call parents anything! If you want to be called MsTeacher, then why not call them Ms Parent?

[/quote]
Well, it seems rude to me to call them by their first name and then refer to myself as Miss X, but I have to refer to myself as that due to school request. I use first names if I have to.

If you are asking parents to call you by title then you absolutely should use their titles. Enormously rude otherwise.

I do agree with the PP though about using last names as a safety issue. I hate that my students know my first and last name because I am constantly getting friend requests on social media from them and their parents, as do my DCs and family members weirdly. I do think only first names would be a good idea for that but then if there are several teachers with that name then it could get confusing.

The common workaround for this in Ireland is setting your social media surname to your Irish name, if you're known under your English name (or vice versa). Have also seen spelling the surname backwards, using a mother's maiden name and all kinds of other strategies! Have never had a parent try to add me personally but I agree that it would be a pain.

This could be a cultural thing. In my home country only children address teachers as Mr/Mrs. Parents and adults across the school community refer use first names where I am from. In the UK it appears to be different.

I think teachers just get used to being known as that name at work. I work in a school and we often refer to each other as Mrs Lastname even when there's no children around!

I do think it's respectful and when I email my DD's secondary school teachers I always use Mrs/Mr and sign off with my full name. They inevitably reply with Dear Mrs Principle. Even when my DD was at primary school where I worked, I always addressed letters etc to Mrs, even though they were also my colleagues as I was liaising with them in a parent capacity.

@WombatChocolate

Going back to the thread title ‘is it OKAY to call teachers by first name’.....this strikes me as showing the essence of why people think about this/some worry.

There is no okay/not okay about this issue. It is purely a matter if convention and if someone breaks with the convention either purposely or unintentionally, calling the teacher by their first name if it isn’t convention, the world really isn’t going to end, not the vast vast majority of teachers to barely notice or certainly remember for more than a few seconds before they move on. And most people realise this and whilst when writing an email to a teacher, they have a few seconds pondering how to address the teacher, they too don’t sweat it.

The parents who do sweat it tend to be those who are from backgrounds where teachers and other professionals were seen as some kind of superior beings who needed to be treated with a lot of respect. They feel there is an ‘okay’ and a ‘not okay’ and are keen to do the right thing. And then there are those too, often from similar backgrounds who have railed against perceived social hierarchies and decided that they will not use titles as they perceive them as denoting respect that they simply don’t want to give.

More traditional schools, including independent schools tend to go with convention of calling parents by title and knowing to sign off as first name, surname. They are careful to afford respect to parents and perhaps are a little old-fashioned but conclude that if in doubt, showing respect and some formality is the best way to lean. The issue is also compounded for teachers perhaps more than other professions because the CHILDREN call the teacher by their title all day in most schools. When the child speaks about their teacher it is Mr....said.... This means the parent often thinks of the teacher as Mr....and might not even know their name. It is for this reason, that there can be a bigger mental leap to first names with teachers than other professions.

Some people poo-poo titles, conventions etc etc as old fashioned and part of the past. I think they fail to realise how long these conventions hold on for and that they aren’t necessarily about oppressing people or suggesting one group is superior to another. An awareness of convention is a useful social skill and unless you have a raging objection to it, conforming to it marks you out as ‘in the know’ rather than a bit clueless about standard behaviour. Some schools are aware that lots of their families can feel out of their depth about this kind of thing and try to make it easier for all with a very informal and fluid approach.....it probably will become more the thing. And those who are ‘in the know’ should never point out what they perceive as a social faux pas or spend time feeling annoyed by it....life is really too short. Being more gracious in reality and in our hearts seems a good thing to aim for and something we’d all benefit from.

The only thing that does make me laugh, is when students email me and write Dear Mrs. There is no surname, just Dear Mrs. I know it’s because they might call female teachers Miss, without use of surname or males Sir without a surname. they know I am married so decide Dear Miss can’t be right and use Mrs instead. It makes me think if Frankie Howard and ‘oo-er Mrs’. I’ve tried to explain email etiquette and use of names to them....Miss is fine as a stand-alone if it’s your teacher, but they would never put up their hand in class and call ‘Mrs’ without a surname.....they sort of get it. Have to say though, I’ve never had a parent just email Dear Mrs fortunately.

My kids do this - teacher's name is Miss or Sir, they speak at home about "the Miss" or "the Sir". So they address you on an email as Dear "Miss" or "Sir" - that's your name as you've described it - that's what they have been told to call you as their teacher, they'd as easily called you Joan had you asked them to - it's unlikely they will ever refer to anyone via email in the future as Dear "Miss" because it only exists in schools. And that's if they've been brave enough to email you directly for help nevermind getting told off for addressing you incorrectly.

I do think it's respectful and when I email my DD's secondary school teachers I always use Mrs/Mr and sign off with my full name.
In my opinion it is convention not respect. I respect loads of people I work with and I use their first names. I address all teachers by their titles and I certainly wouldn't say that means I respect them all.

I call people I work with by the first names too (I'm a teacher). But that's because it's a different relationship. I'd definitely call my son's teachers by their surname though... And for me it's about both convention AND respect.

@surreygirl1987

I call people I work with by the first names too (I'm a teacher). But that's because it's a different relationship. I'd definitely call my son's teachers by their surname though... And for me it's about both convention AND respect.

You are lucky if you've respected all your kid's teachers.

I've respected all my DD's teachers so far and she's in year 9.

Everybody’sTalkingAboutJamie, sorry but I think perhaps you misunderstood what I said about school children emailing teachers.

I have no problem with them calling met ‘Miss’ without a surname if in person or by email. The thing that makes me laugh is if they write Dear Mrs without a surname. No-one ever puts their hand up or calls o teacher and says ‘excuse me Mrs’ without a surname. Mrs isn’t a generic title for female teachers without a surname attached. That was my point.....and I have explained it to them gently...not to be rude or critical, but because teaching them about these kind of things is part of being a teacher and useful for later in life. It’s simply something some don’t know if it’s not explained.

I have no problem at all with them calling me Miss, or calling male teachers Sir. I am not Miss as I am Mrs, but Miss is the generic name for female teachers when you’re not using their name. It’s fine! Mrs alone isn’t an equivalent.