Is it okay for parents to call teachers by first name?

[thisisnot]

Hi,

At my child's previous school we referred to all the teachers by their first name, and they signed off with the same (in emails etc.).

But in this new school, despite the email address including the first name, the teacher always signs off as Mrs last name - even when I have sent the initial email with her first name.

I also sign off with my first name and she responds "hi mrs last name".

What is going on here? Is it wrong for me to call her by her first name? I don't want to be rude so I will stop if I am being unreasonable.

It just feels odd calling them mrs, but I understand there may be some etiquette I have missed.

I also don't like being referred to as mrs, but not to the degree that I would bother correcting anyone. Just not something I would use myself.

Please let me know what you think!

You should not call a teacher by their first name when they indicate they do not want this- as here.

@lemonsquashie

OP it's more normal than not to call the teacher mr mrs or miss

Are you from outside the UK?

I am from the uk!

I knew to call my teachers mrs etc. When I was in school but somehow felt it would be different as a parent?

It's honestly just not something I come across day to day even at work where I am meeting and speaking to new people daily.

I just think, come on, we're all adults here! (I realise my thoughts are not totally valid after reading this thread!)

The UK is a bit odd sometimes. I'm a teacher, I sign off with both names and take my cue from the parent, although sometimes parents do the same and I'm not sure so I stick to title surname.
Personally I wouldn't mind if the kids called me by first name (better than Miss) but that's not the done thing.

50 years or so ago everyone except close friends and family would use titles and society has become much less formal. Schools have never adapted quickly to change, look at our uniforms!

PTA/governors to school staff is still a professional relationship
I understand this, but in all other professional relationships these days people use first names.
I have utmost respect for my boss, but if I used their surname people would think I was absurdly bowing and scraping.
I think its just a bit old fashioned.

I guess I would always call a doctor Dr Surname though thinking about it. But I don't have a professional relationship with them, its a doctor patient relationship.

How would I address a solicitor or someone? Its got me thinking now...

By calling myself Miss Lie, I feel like I’m imparting some superiority.

Do you? Even if you're also calling the parent Mr/Mrs/Miss surname? Surely that would be equal? I don't feel that way at all.

As a teacher I always sign of Mrs Bluepolkadots42 and if a parent addressed me in an email by my first name I would be embarrassed (for them) and feel it was a huge overstep. For me I like to keep a professional distance and this is one way I do that- first name terms feels far too familiar for me.

Mrs Last Name is my name at work. It's on the students' timetables, in their planners, on the school's website and promotional materials.

Parents would ask "Who?" if I used my first name. Also, they'd have 10 first names to learn in addition to the 10 teacher names their children know.

(From a secondary point of view, obviously)

Completely agree op, at 6th form college as a student I used teachers first names, it was still professional. But it seems very important to some, had a teach in one school i worked at who insisted on the kids addressing him Dr., surgeons don't do that!

Teacher here. Our rules are very clear - we always address parents by their title and surname. Doesn't matter if you sign your emails off as Sarah, i will always address you as Mrs Jones. I sign off with my full name

My point is it may not be up to the teacher to 'follow your lead'

I don't think it's got anything to do with being on the same level - it's just convention. I can't bear it when parents call me by my first name, it feels very rude and over familiar. I wouldn't call them by their first names either. Some parents definitely do it (as someone said above) to make a point or as some kind of power thing. This thread is fascinating to me, I never knew some parents felt so strongly that they should call us by our first names!

There is a teacher who was at my children’s school whose daughter was in her year. In school/school mode she is Mrs E*

Out of school she is Sue

I've always called teachers by their title + surname.

What used to get on my nerves was the ones who either

a) called me Mrs (my surname) - I'm not married, and never have been!

b) called me Mrs (DC surname) - again, I'm not married and this has never been my surname, on all school paperwork I've always had the same surname because I've always had the same name!

c) called me 'Mum' Feck off, I'm not YOUR mother.

Keeping it all to titles and surnames all round seems safest imo.

It’s interesting how it persists with teachers. Some people have mentioned maintaining a professional relationship but in most professions you very quickly use first names, with colleagues and clients.

I think doctors are different as if you’re about to show them your bits you want to keep as much of a psychological barrier between you and them as possible (so you can pretend it didn’t happen when you spot them in Sainsburys later that day feeling the melons for ripeness).

Trying to think of anyone else outside of the medical profession and teachers where this formality persists. The legal profession I suppose in certain situations.

@lazylinguist If parents sign off with their first name, I do the same. My philosophy is exactly the same as yours @wonderstuff

Just putting this out there - I am married, and I do share a name with my husband - but he took my name and I am not a "mrs" - just a personal thing.

Happy to call the teacher this, was genuinely confused as to whether she cared as she does not refer to me the way that I sign off. Hope this makes sense!

I just don't want any enemies haha

I address them as whatever they sign off by. If they use my first name instead of my title and surname then I do the same.

@OhToBeASeahorse

Teacher here. Our rules are very clear - we always address parents by their title and surname. Doesn't matter if you sign your emails off as Sarah, i will always address you as Mrs Jones. I sign off with my full name

My point is it may not be up to the teacher to 'follow your lead'

Interesting. Thank you, I will not take it so personally then 😉

I think its just a bit old fashioned.

Schools are a bit old-fashioned in some ways. They sometimes try to emulate practices from the corporate world, but usually a decade or so behind!

I don't think this will change unless schools start having pupils call the teachers by their first names. Because like I say, the parents' relationship with the teachers is kind of an extension of their child's relationship with the teachers. I think possibly a lot of parents would feel slightly uncomfortable calling their child's teacher by their first name too.

I mean... I don't really care. It's not like I'd be offended to be called by my first name by a parent or anything. I'm not especially formal. I'd just be a bit surprised because it's not the norm. If my school said "Right, from now on we're signing off emails/ introducing ourselves to parents as First Name", I wouldn't be against it.

I'm not a Mrs either and so I go with Ms if its unclear, I try to check. Loads of mothers aren't Mrs, its strange to assume that as a title imo.

I’m a college tutor so I often have to remind my A Level students not to call me Miss or Ms X. We all use our first names, being called Ms X makes me feel ancient .

I’d never call my DC’s teachers their first name though, it seems too informal for school teachers.

Bluegrass
It's easier in schools to maintain distance with Mrs/Mr Lastname. Although I career changed I definitely was more religious about not using my first name. My mentor explained it as being friendly but not friends and the formality keeps a useful distance.
I've had parents phone me in tears when their parent passed away, I've had parents disclose problems in their marriage that were affecting the child, I've had parents share about mental health struggles in the family, and parents open up that they don't know what to do about their child's challenging behaviour. Too much informality can blur boundaries, which then makes it difficult if the next week you've got to call because their child has been in with the head for a serious incident.

There is a skill in handling parent relationships that I don't think gets covered as well as it ought to during teacher training.

It is pretty obvious when she replied to your email using Mrs for both of you what titles she expected to be used.

Schools are a bit old-fashioned in some ways. They sometimes try to emulate practices from the corporate world, but usually a decade or so behind!

Like the idea that school uniform prepares you for the corporate world. Right, ok then.

I support uniform BTW, but lots of places don't make you wear shirt and tie nowadays.

If I'm contacting school or on school premises as a parent then I always use title surname. I'm also a school governor so we mutually use first names in that capacity and when emailing/visiting as a governor. Then at school pick up its Mrs Smith again. One of my good friends also teaches at the school. I still call her by and refer to her as title surname when she's at work.

I don't think this will change unless schools start having pupils call the teachers by their first names. Because like I say, the parents' relationship with the teachers is kind of an extension of their child's relationship with the teachers. I think possibly a lot of parents would feel slightly uncomfortable calling their child's teacher by their first name too.

Yes I think this has a lot to do with. Parents of my class hear about Ms. X all the time so I'm sure that's the first name into their heads when they think of me, it's only natural. I used to work in a school that has students calling teachers by their first name. Can't say it made any difference to me and my authority in the classroom 💁🏻‍♀️ The only change was my recurring school stress dream (happens occasionally) had a monster chasing me yelling my first name instead of "Ms X! Ms X!"!