Is it okay for parents to call teachers by first name?

[thisisnot]

Hi,

At my child's previous school we referred to all the teachers by their first name, and they signed off with the same (in emails etc.).

But in this new school, despite the email address including the first name, the teacher always signs off as Mrs last name - even when I have sent the initial email with her first name.

I also sign off with my first name and she responds "hi mrs last name".

What is going on here? Is it wrong for me to call her by her first name? I don't want to be rude so I will stop if I am being unreasonable.

It just feels odd calling them mrs, but I understand there may be some etiquette I have missed.

I also don't like being referred to as mrs, but not to the degree that I would bother correcting anyone. Just not something I would use myself.

Please let me know what you think!

@CoconutGrove

You're just generally seeming very childish on this thread. Sorry.

I don’t think you’re sorry at all!

It's quite funny that over a dozen pages in there's people who manage to comprehend Mr/Mrs in schools is a convention of that line of work, people in that line of work saying it's just a convention, people in that line of work saying they use a mix of first names and titles etc, and then a handful of posters deciding that it's power play, teachers on a power trip, a sign they are insecure, a sign that they stand out for all the wrong reasons, a sign of not being equals (even though many teacher say they also call parents Mr/Mrs Lastname).

It honestly sounds like there's some fairly large chips on some shoulder to make grand claims about most of a profession based on the fact that the convention tends to be for parents and teachers to call each other Mr/Mrs.

I work in a boys' secondary. It's Mrs M or if they don't know my name, Miss. Male teachers are Mr or Sir.

Some of the views on this thread explain a LOT about why some children have the attitudes they do Yep.

@Washimal

I am a DSL in a state secondary school. Where I work it's normal for staff and parents to be on first name terms. I see no problem with this, we're all adults at the end of the day so why should I expect Parents to address me as Mrs X just because their children do?

Exactly. At my son's school, even the children call their teachers by first name out of school, i.e. sports, outdoor pursuits etc. When he started in year 7, my son found himself in a canoe with the head teacher (Dr Smith) who promptly told my son to call him Chris when out of school. It worked really well - formal in school, but friendly/informal out of school. A great lesson in context! If pupils call a teacher by first name in school, then it was automatic punishment.

I have exactly the same thing as you OP - it seems odd to me to refer to another adult as Mrs so-and-so, although I can’t say why!

I would take my cue from the teachers though, although I always sign off with my first name.

@PrettyPaper

I have 2 disabled children and deal with lots of different professionals in health and education because of this.

I'm on first name terms with all of them, with the only exception being the teachers at mainstream schools.

So I call my children's Speech therapist, occupational therapist, psychologist and paediatrician and the teachers at the special schools by their first names, and they call me by their first name.

And this means we have a easy relationship were we work together for the benefit of the children.

I personally think mainstream school teachers insistence that we refer to them as "Mrs/Miss/Mr" is a power thing, it is treating the parents like they treat the children. It saying "we are not equals, I have the position of power over you".

And some teachers definitely do talk to parents like they are a child. Some even refuse to give the parent a name at all and just call them "Mum".

I dont think it helps working relationship between parents and school staff. And it definitely creates a "us and them" mentally which you see on here against school staff at times.

This has been largely similar to our experience, until this year.

Some even refuse to give the parent a name at all and just call them "Mum"....there are several at ds's school who refuse to talk to me at all - oh the joys of fighting for an education for your child.

I think Orangeboots is definitely still in school!

Always Mrs.... She must cringe at being referred to by her first name. After all, you are not her mate, she is a professional school teacher. It show's a level of respect that the kids will follow.

The teachers expected my dc to refer to them by title. Therefore they referred to me by title (except when we started to pay when it all became more friendly and civilised).

I shall never forget one of ds's teachers, the deputy head who always referred to me as Mrs x and she was very much Miss y. In one of her more patronising moments however I do recall saying "Miss y, I am not 8 and I shall be grateful please if you do not address me as though I am 8.

She was however unspeakably unpleasant and was the principle read on why a very bright boy was removed from the school.

Choice is empowering.

In countries where we have moved on somewhat, we find it is perfectly possible to show and offer respect, without using titles and surnames.

"Miss y, I am not 8 and I shall be grateful please if you do not address me as though I am 8.

I don't know anyone who addresses 8 year olds as Mrs X

toocold54 I think you need to read my post again.

I really didn’t think it was very common anymore to use Mr/Mrs surname for teachers or any adults for that matter. At our school everyone ( students included ) use first names and I thought that was universal now. Using last names seems very old fashioned to me.. I don’t think I have ever been called Mrs Rollingfog and woulfeel really silly calling an other adult Mr surname..

toocold54 I think you need to read my post again

She doesn’t..

I shall never forget one of ds's teachers, the deputy head who always referred to me as Mrs x and she was very much Miss y. In one of her more patronising moments however I do recall saying "Miss y, I am not 8 and I shall be grateful please if you do not address me as though I am 8.

@RosesAndHellebores I don't think I do.

At our school everyone ( students included ) use first names and I thought that was universal now

Only one school that I've ever known of (in the UK) does that, and I've worked in about 12 and know lots and lots of teachers in many different schools. It very very much is not universal.

Ds was at and dd is at independent specialist school and at both all staff are referred to by their first name. I know very few of the staff's surnames.

@RosesAndHellebores I think you may have mistyped your post or else your DCs teacher would not have been able to keep a straight face haha.

Actually thinking about it from a GDPR point of view it might be actually better for teachers to use their forenames only 🤔

I work in the financial services and staff dealing with the public only share first names. If a customer requests a surname they are told they can’t give it out, and are provided with an I’d number instead.

I don't use the first names of a teacher if they are at a school that teaches any my children (unless I have an independent friendship with them away from school). The parent teacher one is a professional relationship; they are trying to hint at this by retaining their professional name, and not encouraging informality by using yours.

I remember being irritated about one of my DDs’ teachers addressing my DH and me by our first names in emails but then signing off as Ms Surname. That did feel like it was a power trip.

I felt like saying‘That’s ‘Mrs Surname’ to you. I never did, obviously, as it was more important to talk about the issues faced by DD1 (then 7, she’s 11 now), who has SEN and wasn’t getting the support she needed in school.

It was doubly weird, as she was in her (I suppose) mid twenties whilst I was in my late forties and my DH was in his early fifties.

I think that some teachers, especially younger teachers who are less familiar with convention to address people as Title surname and sign-off with first name surname, can get it wrong. In the example above, the teacher has reversed the convention by referring to the parent by their first name and then signing off as title surname. This does make it look like an attempt at a power trip.

In reality it probably isn’t an attempt at a power trip, but a younger teacher who is simply a bit clueless about convention or how this comes across. It’s why some schools have clear policies on this, to avoid confusion amongst staff. There will never be a policy about what parents should do...it would totally lacking in graciousness to tell the customer how they should speak.

There will be a few teachers who are on power trips. Others will sign off as Mrs ....because their school has told them to (I’d think few would do this as it really isn’t good form and you’d expect Headteachers to know this) or because they just haven’t realised themselves that it’s not the right thing to do but they are trying to be be professional.

As a parent, I would always address my child’s teacher in writing or in person as Mr....I wouldn’t feel it was demeaning to myself....but then I don’t suffer from self-esteem issues, and actually I think those who feel the teacher is trying to make them feel inferior by using their first name and then using their own title and surname, probably have self esteem issues and that’s why they take offence. I would always sign myself as first name, surname. Almost all replies or correspondence from the school that has been personalised has addressed me as Mrs.... and that’s what I’d expect. If they used my first name, I would be momentarily surprised (think that member if staff didn’t know convention) but not bothered in the slightest. And the usual way for them to sign off is by using their first name and surname.

The reason people find all this confusing is because convention has you address others by their title and surname, but sign off with first name and surname. This goes for whoever is writing to whoever. People get confused because they think they should reply to the person who wrote using the same terms as they signed off....and because their first name is in the sign-off they then feel uncertain about whether to use the first name in reply. It’s not really a minefield, but these days fewer and fewer people know or understand convention and so are thrown by them when they face them. No-one who isn’t Hyacinth Bouquet is offended by people not using the conventional forms and as time passes and fewer and fewer people understand them, they will become even less well understood and used until they slip away almost altogether I’d imagine.

I think it’s a mistake though to decide that the use of convention is stuffy or old fashioned or certainly that it’s to demean people....notice the convention never has the person writing using their title, but always showing respect to the person they write to by using their title.....this goes for the teacher writing to parents!

I’m a teacher and prefer Mrs with parents unless I have a personal relationship with them (either outside school or have developed a good relationship with them through school). I’m not your mate, I’m your child’a teacher. You wouldn’t call your GP by their first name would you?