Is it okay for parents to call teachers by first name?

[thisisnot]

Hi,

At my child's previous school we referred to all the teachers by their first name, and they signed off with the same (in emails etc.).

But in this new school, despite the email address including the first name, the teacher always signs off as Mrs last name - even when I have sent the initial email with her first name.

I also sign off with my first name and she responds "hi mrs last name".

What is going on here? Is it wrong for me to call her by her first name? I don't want to be rude so I will stop if I am being unreasonable.

It just feels odd calling them mrs, but I understand there may be some etiquette I have missed.

I also don't like being referred to as mrs, but not to the degree that I would bother correcting anyone. Just not something I would use myself.

Please let me know what you think!

I think it's about equality. I have no issue addressing anyone with a title providing they use mine. What I think is out of order is when a person greets me with my first name and expects me to use their title. It is reductive.

My cleaner is Angela
My window cleaner is Dave
My mechanic is Alan
My solicitor is Tom and I deal with many at work and all first names
My accountant is Fiona
My dentist is Karim
The children's teachers - it varied but became less formal, the more we paid.

All the above call me Roses.

The GPS at my practice unilaterally are known as Dr. They introduce themselves as Dr and other staff refer to them as Dr. It happens in hospital settings too. Therefore in any setting where another stakeholder requires a title all other stakeholders may use mine. If a nurse refers to my consultant as Mr Ahmed, she may refer to me as Mrs Hellebores. I find it extraordinary that most nurses assume they may use the patient's first name in those circumstances.

It is an old fashioned convention when you think about it but the thought of calling DS teacher Jane is really uncomfortable.

Strangely I would call my Dr - Dr Smith but my Dentist is Sue and my midwife was always April. V strange

I would always use full name and expect to be called my formal name too. It's always been like that at every place I've worked, although most schools haven't given parents direct email access so it's less of an issue and talking before/after school the kids are always there so it's definitely Mrs Spacegirl.

At one school where we did email parents a lot it was really strict (independent school) that we had to go proper formal name which meant looking up on the system every time Jane Doe's mum signed off as Debbie and I had to check if she was a Miss Doe, a Mrs Doe, a Dr Doe or had a different name altogether. So annoying when I'm sure she wouldn't have minded me replying to Debbie.

f I was a lawyer and you emailed me or rang me because you needed my services and you addressed me as Bob then I wouldn't think you were professional at all.

I’m a lawyer and while I agree I’d be taken aback to be addressed as Bob, people definitely use my first name when calling me.

I am a ta at dds school - we are always Mrs X, even Dd calls me Mrs Fancie if she sees me, as do her friends. The moment the bell rings they all revert to calling me ‘French’ though. I didn’t insist on it, they just do it automatically.

Pre kids I was a solicitor and my clients always called me Miss Fancie - but most were elderly and I used their title / surname too - my 94 year old granny still insists on this from Drs, Nurses and staff at her care home, she’s only Millie to her friends.

I think it’s important for some professionals to have a ‘work persona’, especially if you are in a small town or community. I always tried to maintain a separation when I was working as I hated being asked work stuff in the supermarket or wherever, and try to extend this to everyone else. So teachers doctors etc are ‘title surname’ in a work context and ‘sue’ outside of work. Helps stop me doing work chat on someone’s own time!

@ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords since covid, emailing is the only way we get to speak to them. I don't email often. But we are invited to do so if we wish to communicate with them 🤷🏽‍♀️

It seems very deliberately disrespectful to me that children can’t use the teachers first name but the teacher can use the child’s first name.

😂

Some of the views on this thread explain a LOT about why some children have the attitudes they do.

Some of the views on this thread explain a LOT about why some children have the attitudes they do.

Yes.

It seems really weird to me to call another adult Mr or Mrs.

It’s not weird to me. It has nothing to do with you both being adults, not has it anything to do with being deferential. It is to do with how you know them.

@spacegirl86 I've worked in a couple of schools like that but thought I they were the norm as I just see it as good manners... Though I agree it's a pain to check for title on the system every time! There was one parent though who actually got really angry about being called Miss or Mrs when she is Ms 🙄 so I do always check.

@CarlottaValdez

f I was a lawyer and you emailed me or rang me because you needed my services and you addressed me as Bob then I wouldn't think you were professional at all.

I’m a lawyer and while I agree I’d be taken aback to be addressed as Bob, people definitely use my first name when calling me.

DC's school always makes the teachers first names clear as full names are used on the wed site on staffing updates and on emails (will always say Suzie Smith rather than mrs smith) everyone uses their surname though. Even at work I tend to use teacher names out of habit as I use those when around the dc

In our school (secondary teacher), unwritten etiquette seems to be to use title + surname, most parents do this. I wouldn't mind being addressed by my first name these days as long as rest of email was polite in tone. Don't think it is a power trip for majority of teachers, more about maintaining professional boundaries. It's important to do that in teaching for your own mental health, if that makes sense.

@MrsGatsby99

In our school (secondary teacher), unwritten etiquette seems to be to use title + surname, most parents do this. I wouldn't mind being addressed by my first name these days as long as rest of email was polite in tone. Don't think it is a power trip for majority of teachers, more about maintaining professional boundaries. It's important to do that in teaching for your own mental health, if that makes sense.

Do you feel the same way about your MN username?😂

People saying it's about equality etc are really just trying to find issue with something there isn't.

If I email a parent I have absolutely no idea if they are 35 or 55, they could be the CEO of anything or a brain surgeon. You could be far more successful or intelligent than me but I cannot a dress you as Phil. I just couldn't do it, it's weird.

A way to get round this is just put 'Hi', and don't put the name at all, if you are emailing the teacher directly you know their name.

And emailing saying 'Hi we can't find the log in for X' is fine!

How many teachers on here have chose a username with a title?

I'm a teacher, I always sign emails with my first and last name and introduce myself that way on the phone, as I feel weird introducing myself to another adult as Mrs X. That said, parents have always chosen to refer to me as Mrs X and I probably wouldn't feel a bit odd about them calling me by my first name. Nothing deferential about it, I guess as a teacher your professional persona is Miss / Mrs / Mr and it feels like it's crossing a line a bit to be referred to by your first name - parents are not friends, as a pp said your relationship with them is an extension of your relationship with the child.

In terms of what I call parents, tbh I try to avoid calling them a name at all! On the phone I ask for "X's mum/dad" and don't tend to send unsolicited emails. If a parent is helping in class, I ask them what they want to be called by the children then call them that. Otherwise I don't generally need to use a name as they're in front of me already.

*probably would feel a bit odd, not wouldn't!

I find this irrationally annoying
At DC school they always address me as Mrs X (although I actually go by my maiden name) although I always use my Christian name
And they always use Mrs/Miss for their names
I think the reason it annoys me is that it goes along with a lot of their actions which suggest it is 1955

Everyone at my work uses first names. I am a lawyer. Pretty much the only time I am Mrs or Miss is in Court! Occasionally I get it from a litigant in person. Most of my clients and contacts are professionals though and we all use first names. Our director is referred to by their first name (although previous ones weren’t back in the day). It’s just normal to me. Using Title Surname seems old fashioned.

My dentist and my previous one use first names both ways. I don’t think I have called a dentist Mr/Mrs since I was a child,

At my Drs, the nurses and nurse practitioners use the first names, the Drs are Dr Surname,

It is rare in life I am called Mrs Surname. I find it a bit odd when I hear it, I don’t feel disrespected if some one calls me Scarlett instead of Mrs Pixie, Respect is about far more than names,

I always call the teacher by whatever they call themselves or sign off by. So would always start an email with “Dear Mrs Smith” but if they replied and signed off “Janet”, if I needed to reply, I’d reply “Dear Janet”. I always sign off by my first name but usually they avoid any salutation or put “Mrs MyKidsSurname” (not my name at all).

I also work in a school and without exception, parents will refer and address teachers by Mrs or Mr Surname.

At my kids’ school the teachers are always addressed by their first name, by everyone including the kids. Correspondence is usually addressed to Firstname Surname with no titles. It’s a Quaker school and these are Quaker conventions I believe.

It would annoy me intensely if anyone called me Mrs Husbandsurname. I am Ms Mysurname. Or Dr Mysurname. Although at work I introduce myself to patients as Firstname Surname. And they usually call me my first name.

How many teachers on here have chose a username with a title?

What’s your point, Orange

I think one of the reasons parents choose to refer to teachers as “Miss EachDay” is that then it’s one name for the whole conversation, including the bit with their child.

Like this:

Email from Smile EachDay about an issue at school.

Parent talks to child “Miss EachDay emailed, what on earth...”

Child: 😳 ummm yeah...

Parent emails back “Hi Miss EachDay, I’ve spoken to child and...”

The teacher is Miss EachDay throughout because that’s what the most important person in the interaction calls her - the parent’s relationship with the teacher is only there because of the child.

Having said that, I’m not fussed really.

The thing is, people who have bad memories of their own school days or teachers, or who think teachers are power-hungry little Hitlers, or think that teachers are all like they used to be in the 1950s, are going to insist on thinking that individual teachers desperately want you to call them Mr/Mrs Surname because they want to impose authority. But this just simply isn't true.

It's just a convention. Most of us probably don't really think about it much until someone questions it. All of us are used to being called by our first name by other people we don't know, because that's the norm these days. If the covention changed, most of us probably wouldn't care, and the rest would soon get used to it. It's not a power thing. It's just slight discomfort at something unfamiliar.

What’s your point, Orange It's curious that some have said it's about being professional - a dividing line between work and personal life. So I wondered how many chose a title in their username...in their personal life.