Is it okay for parents to call teachers by first name?

[thisisnot]

Hi,

At my child's previous school we referred to all the teachers by their first name, and they signed off with the same (in emails etc.).

But in this new school, despite the email address including the first name, the teacher always signs off as Mrs last name - even when I have sent the initial email with her first name.

I also sign off with my first name and she responds "hi mrs last name".

What is going on here? Is it wrong for me to call her by her first name? I don't want to be rude so I will stop if I am being unreasonable.

It just feels odd calling them mrs, but I understand there may be some etiquette I have missed.

I also don't like being referred to as mrs, but not to the degree that I would bother correcting anyone. Just not something I would use myself.

Please let me know what you think!

Going back to the thread title ‘is it OKAY to call teachers by first name’.....this strikes me as showing the essence of why people think about this/some worry.

There is no okay/not okay about this issue. It is purely a matter if convention and if someone breaks with the convention either purposely or unintentionally, calling the teacher by their first name if it isn’t convention, the world really isn’t going to end, not the vast vast majority of teachers to barely notice or certainly remember for more than a few seconds before they move on. And most people realise this and whilst when writing an email to a teacher, they have a few seconds pondering how to address the teacher, they too don’t sweat it.

The parents who do sweat it tend to be those who are from backgrounds where teachers and other professionals were seen as some kind of superior beings who needed to be treated with a lot of respect. They feel there is an ‘okay’ and a ‘not okay’ and are keen to do the right thing. And then there are those too, often from similar backgrounds who have railed against perceived social hierarchies and decided that they will not use titles as they perceive them as denoting respect that they simply don’t want to give.

More traditional schools, including independent schools tend to go with convention of calling parents by title and knowing to sign off as first name, surname. They are careful to afford respect to parents and perhaps are a little old-fashioned but conclude that if in doubt, showing respect and some formality is the best way to lean. The issue is also compounded for teachers perhaps more than other professions because the CHILDREN call the teacher by their title all day in most schools. When the child speaks about their teacher it is Mr....said.... This means the parent often thinks of the teacher as Mr....and might not even know their name. It is for this reason, that there can be a bigger mental leap to first names with teachers than other professions.

Some people poo-poo titles, conventions etc etc as old fashioned and part of the past. I think they fail to realise how long these conventions hold on for and that they aren’t necessarily about oppressing people or suggesting one group is superior to another. An awareness of convention is a useful social skill and unless you have a raging objection to it, conforming to it marks you out as ‘in the know’ rather than a bit clueless about standard behaviour. Some schools are aware that lots of their families can feel out of their depth about this kind of thing and try to make it easier for all with a very informal and fluid approach.....it probably will become more the thing. And those who are ‘in the know’ should never point out what they perceive as a social faux pas or spend time feeling annoyed by it....life is really too short. Being more gracious in reality and in our hearts seems a good thing to aim for and something we’d all benefit from.

The only thing that does make me laugh, is when students email me and write Dear Mrs. There is no surname, just Dear Mrs. I know it’s because they might call female teachers Miss, without use of surname or males Sir without a surname. they know I am married so decide Dear Miss can’t be right and use Mrs instead. It makes me think if Frankie Howard and ‘oo-er Mrs’. I’ve tried to explain email etiquette and use of names to them....Miss is fine as a stand-alone if it’s your teacher, but they would never put up their hand in class and call ‘Mrs’ without a surname.....they sort of get it. Have to say though, I’ve never had a parent just email Dear Mrs fortunately.

But Orange, most MN usernames are a bit jokey, so a teacher choosing to call themselves e.g. "MrsMarkBook" or "MrsSitNicelyChildren" would 100% be taking the mickey out of themselves rather than thinking "I know- I'll give myself a teacher username with a title- that'll make those other MNers respect me and toe the line!".

@lazylinguist

But Orange, most MN usernames are a bit jokey, so a teacher choosing to call themselves e.g. "MrsMarkBook" or "MrsSitNicelyChildren" would 100% be taking the mickey out of themselves rather than thinking "I know- I'll give myself a teacher username with a title- that'll make those other MNers respect me and toe the line!".

Just curious how many do...I'll put my hand up next time!😂

WombatChocolate

Your email etiquette story reminds me of when I worked in a school that changed from students calling teachers “Miss/Mr X”’ to first names.

The students who had been there a whiskery struggled with the transition and often called me “Miss Firstname”. It was like being a Southern Belle 🤣

Orange

Do you not like teachers very much?

Mine is! It is what I hear many times throughout the day from my year 1 class
From experience at my school, most parents seem to say they are X's parent in emails and I tend to start an email with good morning/afternoon. It seems to work and nobody seems to care. It's such a non-issue, especially at the moment.

I have 2 disabled children and deal with lots of different professionals in health and education because of this.

I'm on first name terms with all of them, with the only exception being the teachers at mainstream schools.

So I call my children's Speech therapist, occupational therapist, psychologist and paediatrician and the teachers at the special schools by their first names, and they call me by their first name.

And this means we have a easy relationship were we work together for the benefit of the children.

I personally think mainstream school teachers insistence that we refer to them as "Mrs/Miss/Mr" is a power thing, it is treating the parents like they treat the children. It saying "we are not equals, I have the position of power over you".

And some teachers definitely do talk to parents like they are a child. Some even refuse to give the parent a name at all and just call them "Mum".

I dont think it helps working relationship between parents and school staff. And it definitely creates a "us and them" mentally which you see on here against school staff at times.

@SmileEachDay

Orange

Do you not like teachers very much?

I love teachers!😍

Just curious how many do...I'll put my hand up next time!

My username isn't a teacher name, but it's related to what I teach. It's the only one of my MN usernames that has been though.

@PrettyPaper I've definitely noticed this with school staff. Very similar situation with two disabled children so loads of professionals. Its only school staff that get Mrs/Mr... its mostly school staff who call me mum. Last year even my DDs 1-1 with her 32.5 hours a week didn't call me my name once. Her 1-1 this year does and it makes a nice difference.

@Butmiss

Mine is! It is what I hear many times throughout the day from my year 1 class From experience at my school, most parents seem to say they are X's parent in emails and I tend to start an email with good morning/afternoon. It seems to work and nobody seems to care. It's such a non-issue, especially at the moment.

Are we only allowed to talk about important Covid related life and death stuff at the moment. Sorry Miss!😏

If the children are expected to call the teacher by Mr/Mrs/Miss, then I'm fine with the parents doing so too, as it keeps things consistent, and means the teachers don't have another million names (for each parent of their pupils) to remember!

@verybadhairdoo

Frankly i think it is ridiculous for parents to call teachers Mrs / Mr last name. Ok for for the kids, but parents I just don't get it. We're all adults. Why the tiltles?? I don't call my boss Mr Lastname, so why teachers? We're all on the same level here. Also i think refering to each other by first name actually helps to break down the them / us barriers. We're all on the same side when it comes to the kids education, surely?

I think it depends on your line of work. I do have to refer to my boss as sir/ma'am and I am referred to by my rank by those below me. It's unusual in this day and age I'll admit, but not unheard of.

What @MissHoney85 said.

I guess as a teacher your professional persona is Miss / Mrs / Mr and it feels like it's crossing a line a bit to be referred to by your first name - parents are not friends, as a pp said your relationship with them is an extension of your relationship with the child.

Teacher of 20+ years here. I always call myself Mrs Tops and address the parents as Mr / Mrs / Miss last name.

I consider it just to be part of the formal relationship. In the same way that my doctor's first name is George, but I always call him "Dr Stevens"

@OrigamiOwl Are you in the armed forces?

I am a DSL in a state secondary school. Where I work it's normal for staff and parents to be on first name terms. I see no problem with this, we're all adults at the end of the day so why should I expect Parents to address me as Mrs X just because their children do?

Orangeboots I'm assuming you're very young by the way you are relating to teachers on the thread. (I'm not a teacher, so no need for any jokes about whether I'm going to put you in detention)

@CoconutGrove

Orangeboots I'm assuming you're very young by the way you are relating to teachers on the thread. (I'm not a teacher, so no need for any jokes about whether I'm going to put you in detention)

😂

@CoconutGrove - are you very old? 😏

Yes quite old

@thisisnot

That's fair.

But guess this means she should send my emails with my first name too!

Also just want to know why they like this?

(FYI, I will use mrs last name as you have all suggested, just curious to know why the mrs last name for someone you see every day?)

By calling you first name but insisting you call her surname it's creating a power imbalance. She is creating distance and you are allowing use of a personal less formal name.

That's probably why she's also calling you Mrs x she's saying I would like you to call me Mrs x and it would be disrespectful of her to then use your informal name when she's insisted on formal.

For the sake of your relationship I would go with Mrs x even though you prefer first names.

@CoconutGrove

Yes quite old

Says it all really!😂

Does it?

[quote Orangeboots]@OrigamiOwl Are you in the armed forces?[/quote]
No I am not.

You're just generally seeming very childish on this thread. Sorry.