... things I've learned from mumsnet (mostly serious!)

[MakingAComment]

I read MN for many years. I've never really asked any questions myself, but from reading posts from others I've learned some things that helped me in real life. My specific examples are

1. lovebombing is something I'd never of. However, reading here I saw so many threads, got a good picture of it, and it did help me in alerting me to something.

1. fertility and related challenges are a big deal for some people. Reading through the related forums it helped seeing stories, challenges, advice from others

Of course there is a lot of fun/amusing posts too, but it's been useful to me in a much more serious way

My biggest eye-opener on here is how many women are in abusive and unequal relationships, and relatedly, how many women have no economic power because they are de skilled longterm SAHMs with no access to money and no confidence, time or support to retrain.

I don’t know anyone in the latter situation in RL. I feel the entire Relationships forum is a warning against the potential pitfalls of becoming economically inactive.

Emotional abuse, I thought it was "normal" to be sworn at, physically intimidated etc. Mumsnet taught me it wasn't acceptable. ExH thought mumsnet had brainwashed me and told me to stop reading it

On the lighter side of things I've learned lots of abbreviations :) and found some books and TV series I would not have known about.

Some things I genuinely did not realize:

• importance to watch for red flags. It's too late for me, and I've been lucky enough in life in that respect, but it is on my radar for when DD gets older

• push and push for medical diagnosis and support, don't be fobbed off

• some women never had an orgasm (I don't mean PIV)

To be honest though I just find it an entertaining way to pass time :)

I have learned that I could have dealt with my husband in such a way that he knew I could have done but was afraid to. I had nobody to talk to and felt impotent and he took advantage of that.
If I had talked about my situation on here I would have acted so so differently.

That marriage is not just a piece of paper, and that there is no such thing as common law spouse.

The first thing that springs to mind is that "No is a complete sentence."

I knew that some men took a thrill out of dressing up as women, but didn't know the term autogynaephylia.

The people I had come across in life who were genuinely confused as to their sex I had, and still have, the utmost sympathy for (I really hope that doesn't sound patronising. I don't know how else to convey the compassion that I feel for them.)

However, I've found mumsnet has opened my eyes as to the extent of male entitlement, to the point that (some) men would be happy to erode women's hard fought for rights in order to gratify their sexual pleasure.

There are some posters on the Feminism board who explain matters with ease and erudition.

Don't take a step back in your career if you're not married. This doesn't apply to me - I got married shortly before I became a SAHM but that was purely coincidental. I think I went into becoming a SAHM with my eyes shut (it was circumstantial, rather than a desperate desire to be at home) and I might have made different decisions if I'd been on MN then.

I learned that I was not on my own I’m not falling I love with my newborn straight away. I learned that the love would come (it did!!) and that I wasn’t a monster but that sometimes a bond could take longer to develop. I genuinely didn’t know this. I also learned that my relationship with my mother was toxic and that she was a narcissist. I learned that my behaviour to cope wasn’t my fault but that I was gaslighted and “in the fog”. I also learned that women can be amazing at lifting eachother up. Even strangers given the chance are rooting for you. When I reached out in my darker darkest hours of PND I wasn’t met with judgement but with sound practical advice and unconditional understanding and support. I’ll never forget it.

I have also learned that many more people than I ever realised hold racist and Xenophobic views. In real life for example I don’t know anyone who voted Brexit or feel that the BLM movement is unjustified. It has been gut wrenching to witness the sheer ignorant and racist views on here at times.

It’s an invite not a summons.

That every second person is a narcissist. No one can just be an arse, they’re all suffering from this actually very rare medical diagnosis. It’s incredibly irritating seeing so many posters describe people that they just don’t like as a narcissist. Especially when it’s shortened to a narc.

But more seriously I have learned a huge amount about the risks women take by stepping back from their careers to have kids, especially if unmarried. I have also learnt just how rare my DH is by working a four day week the same as me and sharing all child-related responsibilities 50/50. Thoroughly depressing, but eye opening.

Firstly, my eyes have been opened about the number of really really awful men out there in the world. It makes me angry to think about it. It does make me concerned for my kids and relationships in their future.

Secondly, a lot of people on the boards do take time to post genuine and helpful and thoughtful replies. It's a really useful sounding board (and take the replies with a grain of salt maybe!)

Finally, growing up I saw money/finance related stuff create havoc in relationships. While this is no doubt an issue for many, the number of people in mismatched relationships relating to sex on this board is astounding. It seems about 50-50 F/M split! Must be awful for those people.

That half the posters on here seem unable to make any kind of decision without consulting the MN deity. 'Should I take my child to A&E' ''Should I kick him out after he raped me' - for goodness sake get a grip. I love the parking issues and the like, but MN should not be the bible by which you live your life. Everyone on here is just a normal person, and everyone on here has had a different life experience, so although two answers may be the same how the posters got there will be different.

That sometimes there is no point arguing with stupids on the internet. It only makes you frustrated.

Seriously. How awful some men are. I don’t see it as they don’t behave like that around me, but mn has shown some men are abusive, controlling, sexist and to a greater degree than I thought.

And the importance of calling out that poor behaviour on the occasions I do see it. I want to be an ally.

I learned how to get the Vileda mop head off the pole so I could put on a new one ! (Stand on the mop head and pull upwards!). God, I was struggling before that 😂

That you can say no, that it's okay to have boundaries. That you don't have to justify or explain the having of boundaries.

Also, does anybody remember that thread about asking questions in small talk? Some posters said they find small talk interrogating and even asking where people are going on holiday is a complete no-no. That was such an insight into some people's social skills!

that some people genuinely have issues about the most petty things, that they actually do care about ...nothing.

that some people are convinced doing anyone a favour means being taken for a fool, and anyone asking for a favour is a CF

that people feel REALLY strongly about toilet brushes

and apparently that anyone earning less than you is to be pitied and patronised, but anyone earning MORE than you is a bastardy rich twat.

Thanks sunsalutations

I learned I'm stronger than I thought.

that life is a minefield. As an example, when some people INVITE you, they expect you to pay for your share (or more).

It's ok to have boundaries.

How to recognise and manage (with at least some success compared to previously) difficult relationships. (See boundaries....)

How to parallel park my car (I was ok at it before but taking 20 manoeuvres - now it's reverse, straighten, maybe reverse for spacing - but I'm also far more comfortable doing it in tight spots that I would have left in the past).

Looking at things from someone else's perspective better, which has lead to me planning ahead how and when to address certain things, and picking my moment better to be better understood.

And I know I have picked up a few cleaning and household tips and tricks here (DIY etc) I just can't think of them offhand.

That when a thread is entitled "Is this abuse?", 99.9% of the time the answer will be yes. I think the OP usually knows it deep down but can't admit it to themselves, and sometimes they just need it confirmed by other people to prove they're not mad.

That some people really are neurotic about toilets. I've never seen anything like it. Hovering instead of sitting down, or insisting that some loos, even at work, should be for pee only and you're only allowed to poo in certain loos! And of course getting annoyed with workmen for using their home loo. FGS I wish people could see just how insane this all is. I don't know of anyone in real life who makes these policies.

That most women are incapable of saying no.
Then go online to moan like hell about what they're incapable of saying no to.

Also, that for some reason MN has a lot of HR professionals working at big, corporate organisations, who act as if job hunting and interview advice is universal and applies everywhere. They just don't seem to realise that applying to small to medium companies is a totally different kettle of fish, they don't operate the same and don't tend to have such structured interviews. Your small, local company just wants to know that you'll fit in with the team. And yet the corporate HR people will insist you must use the STAR method or you're doing it wrong. So I guess what I've learned is that people think their workplace setups are universal. Most of us don't even have an HR department.