... things I've learned from mumsnet (mostly serious!)

[MakingAComment]

I read MN for many years. I've never really asked any questions myself, but from reading posts from others I've learned some things that helped me in real life. My specific examples are

1. lovebombing is something I'd never of. However, reading here I saw so many threads, got a good picture of it, and it did help me in alerting me to something.

1. fertility and related challenges are a big deal for some people. Reading through the related forums it helped seeing stories, challenges, advice from others

Of course there is a lot of fun/amusing posts too, but it's been useful to me in a much more serious way

@tectonicplates

That when a thread is entitled "Is this abuse?", 99.9% of the time the answer will be yes. I think the OP usually knows it deep down but can't admit it to themselves, and sometimes they just need it confirmed by other people to prove they're not mad.

Yes, I agree with this and there are always replies saying how can you not see what is happening. It's not always as simple as that and at times you just need someone, even a total stranger, to say no this isn't OK.

Oh, and the sheer number of people who live "very rurally", apparently.

Lighthearted but buying a rubber broom was a life changer

@NoddyWithAVoddy

That most women are incapable of saying no. Then go online to moan like hell about what they're incapable of saying no to.

This. People seem to put up with all manner of bizarre shitty behaviour and just go along with it for years without saying anything.

I don't mean abusive relationships where people are in fear of their safety but people who just let CFs just take take take.

Like going along with splitting a restaurant bill when they only had a main and a soft drink because that was all they could afford but ended up paying £50 for because they did want to say anything when the person who had 3 courses and cocktails wanted to split evenly.

One sided present giving or hosting of the 'we bought lots of lovely things for SIL and they gave us a selection box to share' or 'we've hosted 18 people every Christmas for the last decade and I'm fed up of it but they will all moan if we say someone else should take a turn'.

Just open your mouth and tell people you're unhappy with the situation FFS.

@tectonicplates

Oh, and the sheer number of people who live "very rurally", apparently.

Yes it seems that everyone either lives 'very rurally' or in central London because it's the only place they could possibly do their job and they're not rich despite their £200k salary because they have a big mortgage on a modest flat or terrace.

That there are soooooo many "people pleasers" wet lettuces in the world.

Serious thing I've noticed is how conditioned we are as women to sit down, shut up, smile and nod politely even when someone (man or woman) is being a total arse and trampling all over reasonable boundaries. We, generally, seem to be unable to say 'no' without great angst or assert ourselves for fear of being labelled difficult.

So I have learned that assertiveness (not aggressiveness), body autonomy, and a sense of self/your own mind are something I will try my very best to instill in my (very young atm) daughters. I do not want them on here in twenty years time agonising about if they're allowed to politely decline an invitation, able stand up to an interfering MIL or tell a handsy young man at a bar to stop touching them and back off.

On a less serious note I've also learned that so many people do not remove outdoor shoes in houses and are actively against doing so and I still find that weird, rude and a bit grim but 50 odd percent of you disagree heartily with me so I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on that one

I have learnt that there is a lot of hatred,fear and sheer bloody ignorance spouted almost on a daily basis in the Feminism chat. Honestly some days it has made me tearful!

Although I learned from another thread that when people say they live in Central London, they sometimes mean Angel or Notting Hill which I wouldn't have considered central. When people say it, I always envision them meaning they live in Westminster or the West End. I grew up in zone 4 and I didn't realise until my 20s that people actually lived in Soho. I still find it weird.

That so many people are offended about such trivial things in everyday life.

That a lot of people think it is perfectly OK to find anything to do with numbers, even the very basic primary school level to be impossibly difficult but if you so much as put a comma in the wrong place or make a spelling mistake, you deserve to be banished from Mumsnet for eternity.

@BarbaraofSeville

That a lot of people think it is perfectly OK to find anything to do with numbers, even the very basic primary school level to be impossibly difficult but if you so much as put a comma in the wrong place or make a spelling mistake, you deserve to be banished from Mumsnet for eternity.

Yes!

I've been amazed by the sheer numbers of people who look down their noses at people who don't drive. I sort of thought it might be the case, but I've been taken aback by the vociferousness about it, even saying they wouldn't date a man who didn't drive.

As a Londoner, I find it frustrating when those people can't see it's the other away round here, that most people use public transport, and that unless you're disabled or working as a courier, I find it idiotic when people insist on driving into zone 1. If I had a car I don't even know where I'd park.

That marriage is so important (I'm already married and a lawyer so really ought to have worked this out myself.)

That so many men AND women don't believe in true equality even if that's only subconsciously.

That things I thought were sometimes empowering for women (glamour modelling etc) actually aren't because it cements the idea that women are commodities to be bought, sold, traded, used and discarded.

That most other people seem to wash their clothes/bedding/towels more often than I do. Ditto putting their children to bed earlier! We lead rather Spanish hours in this house...

That there are so many adults in the world who don't drive and aren't bothered about learning.

That veet spray on hair remover is fantastic at getting the hair out of plugholes and I can use my steam mop to "iron" shirts etc.

That ASD and ADHD are so common. This led to me finally getting my son diagnosed in his teens and realising that I (and my father) almost certainly are similarly afflicted.

I didn't know anything about all the different types of people out there,,,Narcissists, flying monkeys, grief thiefs, cocklodgers, cheeky fuckers, Wendys, nightmare MILs. I thought domestic abuse came only in the form of violence, I didn't know anything about coercive control.
I also learnt all that about being married if you're a SAHM, so I'm getting married after 11 years and 2 DC, though my DP has always been very honest about sharing money.
Thanks MN, you've taught me so much.

Oh, someone upthread has mentioned "trivial things". I've been amazed at the minutae of things some posters agonize over. I work full time and often don't give this stuff a thought. I'm very much "here's your dinner take it or leave it" / "oh dear you fell out with X, try and make up tomorrow" sort of mum. So much pandering isn't good for anyone.

That a lot of women are responsible for managing their husband's family commitments & relationships. (aka "my MIL insists on attending my home birth")

That there's a lot of ways to dis someone with a seemingly innocent word (aka Karen, snowflake)

That a lot of people have weird/noisy/violent neighbours (but that's ok as some of the stories are hilarious)

That if I'm rude/cruel in my comments someone will slap me for it. (which is usually the right thing to do)

That is someone is puzzled/dismayed/questioning someone will slap them for it (which just seems cruel to me)

And much more

That using a drop of fabric softener in water to clean your windows actually works to make them sparkling and streak free!

Oh and how many women are in horrible relationships with lazy men 😟

That to solve a problem you first need to provide a diagram 😁
Seriously tho, I am also surprised how many woman rely on the DH financially, have no money of their own and seem to have no control over their own life with Dh's who seem to treat them with contempt for not working and raising their children.
The post that stuck with me is the poster who hadn't had a haircut for xx years, who had holes in their knickers and shopped at a charity shop and who's husband swanned around in designer gear, it was like stepping back to a time when woman were deemed to be worthless, a real eye opener

1. Most importantly, MN told me not to ignore the feelings I had that my marriage wasn't working for me because my ex husband was an abusive alcoholic. I probably would have divorced him eventually but MN opened my eyes a lot earlier, encouraged me to admit this to myself, and gave me the support of knowing I wasn't alone and that my daughter would benefit from me not struggling to keep the marriage together through thick and thin. For that alone, its worth its weight in gold.

1. It's shown me how bad a huge amount of relationships are and how so many women stay with awful men because a) they are financially dependent b) they are worried about "breaking up the family" c) they feel they will have failed themselves if they end the relationship, mainly because society still doesn't acknowledge that its better to be single than in a bad relationship.

1. Its shown me a lot of people don't have real friends and don't consider this to be a problem. And that another equally large number of people are totally batshit and controlling with their friends and block them from social media if they get blown out once.

1. How generally socially conservative a lot of people are and how much of a liberal urban bubble I live in.

How many people are happy just to take a random person's word that something has happened/is law just as they say etc rather than asking for published facts. And rarely think to even look up or refer to facts, news reports, laws, guidance etc which usually give a much fuller picture than the poster/SIL etc has put forward!

Oh, and the number of women who claim they don't wear makeup because they "only use a quick dusting of powder and blusher that takes ninety seconds", or they "don't really wear makeup, just a bit of lipstick and eyeliner", or "I don't wear proper makeup, just a bit of concealer".

Sorry to disappoint you but if you wear "just a bit" of makeup, no matter how small, then you are wearing makeup.

Financially disparity in earnings, between men and women pre-children.
I’m in my early 50s, and even as a teen was aware of this as a topic.

I am surprised that I see it on here all the bloody time, “he earns more than me”. And this is pre children.

Of course we have Xenia to adjust the MN average for us, but I really am disappointed that 30 years on from me being in my 20s, my impression from MN is that not much has changed.

@tectonicplates

That some people really are neurotic about toilets. I've never seen anything like it. Hovering instead of sitting down, or insisting that some loos, even at work, should be for pee only and you're only allowed to poo in certain loos! And of course getting annoyed with workmen for using their home loo. FGS I wish people could see just how insane this all is. I don't know of anyone in real life who makes these policies.

So you’ll sit on any public toilet happily and thunk nothing of it?

I find that astonishing. We have no idea if the person before us peed all over the seat and it just dried in, or had been sick, or when it was last cleaned.

So god only knows what bodily fluids you sit on when you sit down on a public toilet. That’s why people hover because the thought of the above is disgusting!

that apparently there are some men who are kind and respectful and treat their partners well. that in fact most people think of that as normal.