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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and shared house with sibling ! AIBU

227 replies

Istheyearoveryet21 · 03/12/2020 23:08

Ok - I am not new by the way but changed my name for this post. I will try to explain the best I can and no drip feed.

My dp and I have 3 kids between us ( me 3 him 1 )
Anyway I have my own house and he moved in.
Years ago him and his sibling got a mortgage on a house splitting the deposit and have been splitting the mortgage ever since.
This is a nice house in a nice area and his sibling lives in the house with partner and kids. . . DP has never lived there.
Now we have our own child, and he is living with me I don’t think it’s fair he is paying half a mortgage of a house he doesn’t live in or benefit from in anyway.
He said it was an investment and that it was meant so when he was ready to need a family home then he would take money out and have a deposit but of course this hasn’t worked because he doesn’t want to upset family.
So as it stands I am the higher earner but work much more hours. When it comes to finances we join money apart from this 500.00 he pays towards this other mortgage every month !
Now his sibling wants to sell the house and get another house using the money from the first house. I have asked DP to take his part money and to stop funding the mortgage also as we have our own family / house to pay for.
Am I being a total cow ?

OP posts:
AGirlCalledJohnny · 04/12/2020 15:57

@Whatsnewpussyhat

I confidently predict if he raises withdrawing from this agreement when the house is sold the sale will be off

Yep. Then he can tell his brother to buy him out.

I said that earlier, once they realise they’ll have to pony up there will be no budging them. They’re so brass necked, I doubt they’ll ever buy him out. They need to have a serious conversation about why he should still be contributing to the mortgage in that case.

OP, I don’t think you’re a mug. Families and lives are tricky and interweaving, it’s not like you were together when this came about. I’m sure you’ll be able to help him realise how crazy the situation he’s in is, and that he has to start manning up and putting his own DC first for once. Good luck!

dane8 · 04/12/2020 16:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

saraclara · 04/12/2020 17:04

the OP is probably better off buying the new house in her name, using her money and then DP pays his (fair!) share of the bills and costs for his child. In the event of a split, he can move out, OP keeps the house and he would have to pay maintenance. The house being in her name only means he cannot try to force the sale in the event of a split and he doesn't have a claim on the property.

I'm inclined to agree with that. I'd keep whatever house you buy as entirely yours, OP. But get him to pay half the bills. It's ridiculous that he's only paying 20% of the household outgoings.

If you do buy a house together with such an uneven split, for goodness' sake get really good legal advice and ring-fence your investment if you can. Otherwise half of your house will end up going to the inlaws at this rate.

Doidontimmm · 04/12/2020 17:30

He can’t rely on you subbing him, what if you lost your job, got sick.... anything, he has a child now and can’t afford to sub his sibling.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 04/12/2020 17:33

The DB needs to move to a cheaper area or downsize to a 3 bed so he can afford his own mortgage.

Your DP started this for his future family. That family is here now and his DB and girlfriend are taking the piss.

Shamoo · 04/12/2020 17:43

How silly!

I would point out that by him not paying his share of your mortgage, and instead paying for his sibling’s home, you are effectively paying for his sibling’s home. Your DP isn't losing out, you are. Then give your DP the following options:

  1. He tells his sibling he needs to buy him out / sell and give him half;
  1. His sibling starts paying rent to the value of anything over the mortgage interest/your DP only pays half the interest and takes a 50% right in any equity - when it is sold your brother gets half the equity;
  1. He chooses to carry on subsidising his sibling from his own money (not from shared finances) but he also has to pay his half of your mortgage and therefore needs to earn more/spend less on himself;
  1. He moves in with his sibling and you stay in your home paying your mortgage, but he has no stake in your home (he relinquishes it all to you).

Say he’s free to pick, but they are the only options and he has a week to pick and sort it out.

Daleksatemyshed · 04/12/2020 17:54

As MN is always saying, you have a DP problem. I'm sure he's a lovely man but he's by no means financially astute. He's contributed for years and got nothing in return and now he wants you to do the same, in effect you already are because he's adding so much less to your family budget. Sadly there's really not a lot you can do here because he's the one who needs to tackle his DB and say OK now I want to cash in my investment and he's not going to do that is he @Istheyearoveryet21? Your DP is now stuck between a rock and a hard place because he's going to annoy the hell out of someone whichever way he goes.
You're obviously very hard working and financially savvy so can you find it in your heart to do the right thing for you, you say you will but it's going to be difficult to dump him out in the cold. Good luck and don't give in!

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/12/2020 18:14

I’m sure he's a lovely man but he's by no means financially astute

Not so sure about this. He may just be a bit shell shocked as a new dad to an unplanned addition and not really thought about what it means for him in terms of stepping up to the plate to provide for his daughter. But what he is suggesting could be seen as scheming rather than naive. He’s having his own lifestyle subsidised by OP while building up an asset she won’t have any claim on should they split. However, OP seems very switched on and not likely to put up with it, so will likely work out well one way or another.

LannieDuck · 04/12/2020 19:10

Perfect time for him to get his money out.

If he doesn't, and he puts it back into sibling's new house, when will he get the return on his investment? He'll either have to wait until they sell up, or get them to buy him out... or just leave the money invested in the house forever.

What's his plan? It will be really awkward when he suddenly needs that money for something and his sibling doesn't have the ready-cash...

endoflevelbaddy · 04/12/2020 19:18

I've been in a similar position with a sibling - it was our DFs house we owned.
Something that came up,and caused problems, is that from a mortgage affordability POV, the fact he has another house has a big impact on his borrowing capacity. Mortgage companies have to view you as liable for the full mortgage payment, not just the half your responsible for, in case the other owner defaults for some reason.

If your DP's sibling buys a much bigger house with a much higher mortgage payment, that full amount will immediately be taken off in your DP's affordability calculation. You could find yourselves in a situation where you can't get a mortgage to the value you want if you decide to move (as happened with my sibling) and only being able to so by selling / signing over the house to the sibling.

I appreciate you may be in a comfortable enough position that it's not an issue, but I'd certainly be making sure he knew the situation he was putting you and your family in.

billy1966 · 04/12/2020 19:28

I don't understand this "don't pay towards their morgage"....do people not grasp the concept of landlords buying to rent.

If you don't pay a morgage you rent.
Man or woman doesn't get to live in a house and only pay towards the bills.

Do landlord's low this?
Of course not.

If you move in with someone and they own the home, of course you should pay rent on top of bills.

Just because they own their home and are paying a mortgage doesn't mean you don't have to contribute.

I would think he shouldn't be living with her if he doesn't want to give her rent.

He's paying 20%......absolutely unbelievable.

He's one cute fellow that has landed on his feet...20%🙄

SciFiScream · 04/12/2020 20:04

You know what- if you as a couple pay half of their mortgage...why don't you ask them to pay half of your mortgage?

I don't mean that they actually do it but if you ask the question surely they'll realise how ridiculous they are all being?

im5050 · 04/12/2020 20:27

What do you call a family of cocklodgers 😂
Anyone ??

billy1966 · 04/12/2020 21:09

@im5050

You mean the correct anthropological term?...... not sure. 🤔😁

timeisnotaline · 04/12/2020 22:08

@LolaSmiles

timeisnotaline It's complicated by her being on maternity leave and he should be covering more of the bills during her leave, but on the mortgage and paying rent towards the mortgage then I still think he doesn't because I would always advise a woman not to pay towards a man's mortgage when she isn't on the deeds. I'd advise her to pay for her own investments in her own name whilst covering her bills in a man's house. It would be hypocritical of me to then say that men should pay to a woman's mortgage and pay her rent towards a property he has no claim to.

Either it's entirely reasonable for the partner moving into someone's house to pay towards the mortgage of a house they aren't on the deeds for, or it's unreasonable. There can't be having it both ways where a woman shouldn't pay towards a man's house but a man has to pay towards a woman's house.

HOW can you not think whether or not a woman is off work on mat leave with their joint baby doesn’t affect what a man should contribute? House or no house? The woman is not earning as someone needs to look after the baby not to mention she’s given birth. In a relationship that role is supported financially. Any man who doesn’t contribute more in this scenario should be taken off the birth certificate.
LolaSmiles · 04/12/2020 22:18

HOW can you not think whether or not a woman is off work on mat leave with their joint baby doesn’t affect what a man should contributeHouse or no house?
I said he should pay more of the bills during that time.
Ultimately if two people are not married and don't have joint assets (because they own separate properties) then that's their decision. If a couple choose to have a child whilst having a more unusual separation of assets then that's their decision. Two unmarried people with their own properties and no claim on each other's property is very different to an unmarried couple who jointly own a property with both names on the deeds.

I just don't believe the argument that gets thrown around on here where a woman should (rightly imo) never pay towards a man's mortgage because she's throwing money at someone else's investment, covering his mortgage, has no claim on the house and so on, but then if a man moves into a woman's house then he ought to he paying her rent towards the mortgage and failure to pay part of her mortgage is awful cocklodging.

I think OP's DP should get his share back from the joint investment with his brother and use that money towards a new family home with the OP where both of them are on the deeds and their respective contributions ring fenced to ensure the OP doesn't lose her higher investment.

I'm just very wary of shifting the goalposts regarding paying mortgages for properties without any legal claim on the property.

LolaSmiles · 04/12/2020 22:22

billy1966
I disagree with you because romantic relationships are not business decisions such as choosing to be a landlord.
However, I can respect your position as long as you genuinely go on threads where women have moved in with their DP and tell them that they should be paying him rent to live there as their DP is essentially their landlord.

Wales34 · 04/12/2020 22:56

What ??? SIL is being completely out of order

DisorganisedPurpose · 05/12/2020 02:09

I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for him. He is being financially abused by his DB. I expect he was living rent free at home before so maybe then he thought it was okay and effectively then his mother was subsidising the DB and DP probably thought he was just protecting his assets. But now it has to stop.

It is hard because splitting from someone you love and destroyiing your dream of a loving family unit will be painful. But I don't see another way. He is also holding himself back. How will he get assets for independence if his DB keeps them tied up in a house he cannot use or rent. He needs to see a solicitor and force a sale of the house. Then if you buy together make sure you are tenants in common and ring fence proportions of deposit. Do not marry. You owe this to your other children because if you marry and die before him, he might disinherit them. He has to choose between you and them because I can see this leading to a complete split with his family if he chooses you. He needs to break out of this arrangement though for his sake as well as yours

coconutpie · 05/12/2020 11:42

I agree with previous posters that you need to be very careful in order to protect your asset (the house). This is not a normal setup when siblings buy a house together. Your DP, while his name may be on the deeds of the other house, is effectively subsidising the housing of his sibling. Sibling should be paying him rent. Is it supposed to be an investment property for your DP or a gift to his sibling?!

Now is the perfect time for him to pull out of this crazy situation. In fact when it comes to the equity after the sale, your DP should probably be getting a higher % of the equity since he has had to cover his own housing costs while sibling has only had to pay half the mortgage plus got housing! Your DP is a right idiot in all of this, he's been completely taken advantage of.

He is effectively paying maintenance of £500 pm to his sibling. Have you put it to him like that?

TeddyDidIt · 05/12/2020 11:50

Am I right to assume your DP also had free housing before and that's maybe why he didn't see the problem in paying half each? It's the only way I can see he was ever happy with this arrangement.

Newkitchen123 · 05/12/2020 14:13

Fascinated by this!
I can't believe anyone could be so cheeky!
Whether you can afford it is irrelevant. It is not up to you to subsidise someone else's lifestyle or keep their mortgage down

WiddlinDiddlin · 05/12/2020 14:23

Ask him what exactly he has invested in, where is this investment?

Currently, this is just a drain, with no clear terms of return on his investment or time frame or anything.

So they want to sell... then they can give him back his money plus his share of profit.

Or they don't want to sell in which case they can buy him out, or they can rent his half from him.

But continuing to fund their lifestyle at your expense.. nope. No deal.

TasslesandFringes · 05/12/2020 21:03

Wow good luck OP

LovePoppy · 06/12/2020 21:11

I hope your talk went well last night OP