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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and shared house with sibling ! AIBU

227 replies

Istheyearoveryet21 · 03/12/2020 23:08

Ok - I am not new by the way but changed my name for this post. I will try to explain the best I can and no drip feed.

My dp and I have 3 kids between us ( me 3 him 1 )
Anyway I have my own house and he moved in.
Years ago him and his sibling got a mortgage on a house splitting the deposit and have been splitting the mortgage ever since.
This is a nice house in a nice area and his sibling lives in the house with partner and kids. . . DP has never lived there.
Now we have our own child, and he is living with me I don’t think it’s fair he is paying half a mortgage of a house he doesn’t live in or benefit from in anyway.
He said it was an investment and that it was meant so when he was ready to need a family home then he would take money out and have a deposit but of course this hasn’t worked because he doesn’t want to upset family.
So as it stands I am the higher earner but work much more hours. When it comes to finances we join money apart from this 500.00 he pays towards this other mortgage every month !
Now his sibling wants to sell the house and get another house using the money from the first house. I have asked DP to take his part money and to stop funding the mortgage also as we have our own family / house to pay for.
Am I being a total cow ?

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 04/12/2020 01:24

I am so confused as to why your DP ever entered this agreement and it is definitely time to bail.

Essentially your DP and his sibling have each paid the same in regards to the deposit and mortgage while his sibling has had a roof over his head but your DP has also had to fund accommodation.

No one in their right mind could possibly see that as being a fair deal.

Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 01:28

I have no idea why they agreed to it or where the money from the deposit even come from ! They both are in the same career so I doubt their wage that many years ago was even that much.

OP posts:
pallisers · 04/12/2020 01:34

This is a very weird family dynamic. I don't know another family where a sibling is expected to substantially subsidise another sibling's housing choice. I can't help but think that given your level of income compared to all of theirs, they - even if it is subconscious - see you as a cash cow - sorry OP.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 04/12/2020 01:36

The sooner the other house is sold and your DP takes 50%, the better. His future should be sharing with you and DC, not supporting his CF relatives.

popsydoodle4444 · 04/12/2020 01:42

Maybe it's time to start charging your DP "rent" to live in your house.

Rent will £500 per month.

Your thread is one of a couple I've come across recently where the Male DP is taking advantage of the female DP financially in one way or another.Your paying the mortgage to put a roof over his and his child's head so he can afford to put a roof over his siblings head.

When you return to work I take it he'll be contributing at 50% of the childcare costs for your LO?

My other concern is if the siblings new house is bigger and therefore has a bigger mortgage is your DH expected to pay more too for his "half" therefore taking more away from his family.

If the sibling and there partner cannot afford a bigger mortgage they shouldn't be moving full stop.It was irresponsible for them to have kids if they couldn't afford the roof over their heads so why keep adding more until they need another house?

Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 01:50

@popsydoodle4444 I can’t dive in to that part about me and my DP without hugely drop feeding.

His sibling has 2 kids and not having any more I’m not sure why they want a bigger house tbh !

I have a 3 bed house( which is worth more than theirs because of location ) but big age gaps between 3 kids and so it’s hard to do room sharing etc hence needing a bigger house.

Apart of me is like I can afford it, I just don’t feel like it’s fair on me.
So either I want to afford it without him And him not move in to new house or I want him to financially contribute to it and not his siblings house.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 04/12/2020 01:54

So he owns half the house sibling lives in- how is sibling selling it not the absolute perfect moment to recover his capital? If sibling uses dps money to buy herself another house what are the chances she even puts him on the deeds? Either way she would 100% regard it as hers (as she pretty much does now), she’d never see that money again. I’d tell dp to stop making me a mug, if it doesn’t matter he can move out and see how much it matters when he has to house himself instead of just relying on me to carry his slack.

popsydoodle4444 · 04/12/2020 02:05

The last thing I'm going to say on this is if your DP does bite the bullet and stand up to his family over this issue is that he takes full responsibility and doesn't try to pass the buck and say you made him do it otherwise his family will hate you and paint you as the scarlet woman to other people;they may even chose to be petty and take it out on your child.

If he does tell sibling he wants thé equity as their selling be prepared for the shit to hit the fan big time;no doubt they'll be some hysterics,finger pointing and accusations of your DP trying to screw sibling over.

Thé thing that puzzles me is if they can't afford a bigger mortgage how was the sibling planning to pay your DP for his half of the house?,was he expecting your DP to 15,20,25 years until the mortgage was paid off so they could take out a second mortgage to pay your DP his half or were they expecting your DH's future kids go stake their claim to half of the house when their dad/uncle/aunt were all dead

AGirlCalledJohnny · 04/12/2020 02:24

Dollars to donuts once they hear he wants equity, they won’t budge. Especially as they don’t have to move, they just fancy a bigger place. I don’t think he’ll ever see a penny, he needs to stop paying the mortgage at the very least

Pringlemonster · 04/12/2020 02:47

I think you will regret him moving in
He will end up with half of your money if you split up later ,I think buy the house yourself and don’t put him on it ,and don’t have him live with you.
Don’t get involved in his family Dynamics ,that is his issue that he is clearly happy with ,or otherwise he would change it .
He’s a grown man
It’s his choice to pay half their mortgage.
I’d crack on as a single mum if I was in your shoes
The only thing he has brought to your table is his sperm and stress
I say cut him loose

Got2beglue · 04/12/2020 03:11

Like a previous poster stated you will almost definitely end up losing half of your hard earned money. Even if he did get the money from his sibling I wouldn't buy with him but if you do, make sure your 800k is ring-fenced/protected and definitely don't marry him.

He's taking advantage of you. Don't put yourself in a situation where he has a legal claim on your assets or you'll be massively kicking yourself further down the line.

Got2beglue · 04/12/2020 03:18

Also what's his plan if you do go ahead and purchase a house without the equity from his other property? Will his name be going on the mortgage/deeds? So he'll own half of the expensive family home purchased with your significant deposit as well as the other property? And you'll essentially gift him half of your 800k while having no legal claim to his other property? He has it all figured out doesn't he! Please wake up OP.

Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 03:26

@Got2beglue my eyes are open hence why I have made it very clear that I won’t allow it to continue and have given him ultimatums.
He knows very much where I stand on this.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2020 04:02

If he wants to do this, he needs to move in with his sister and family. In the future, his sister may legally claim the whole house if he’s not careful precisely because there’s no rental contract for his 50% share. There have been posters on threads in the past, where people have let family live in their house for free for decades and the person has then claimed and won title to the house. Rent free then completely free house. She has no qualms in fucking her brother and your dc over. It wouldn’t surprise me if she tries this in the future.

Bluetrews25 · 04/12/2020 05:15

What is he going to do when cf sibling decides not to move if they will have to give up 50% equity?
Impressed that a 28year old has almost paid off an £800k mortgage. I'm clearly in the wrong profession.

Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 05:40

@Bluetrews25 I am very lucky to have had a talent for something that progressed really well. I have been extremely fortunate with career and have I am also quite frugal. I have a good income ( I am not a millionaire by any means ) but I live a really simple life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 05:41

My Name change was pointless at this point haha

OP posts:
MeridianB · 04/12/2020 06:09

@StoppinBy

I am so confused as to why your DP ever entered this agreement and it is definitely time to bail.

Essentially your DP and his sibling have each paid the same in regards to the deposit and mortgage while his sibling has had a roof over his head but your DP has also had to fund accommodation.

No one in their right mind could possibly see that as being a fair deal.

This. Unless the sibling was destitute or ill I don’t understand why he would live there rent-free. Totally unfair. Presumably your DP pays half of all maintenance costs, too?

So the fair approach would be as a PP described and for DP to fund that mortgage from his disposable income.

pincertoe · 04/12/2020 06:11

This whole situation your dp has found himself in is bonkers!

If I were you op and you need to move and can afford to move without his input I would do so. Keep your house in your name and fund the increased mortgage yourself. Then split all other bills as per how much you earn (ignoring his own mortgage as you ignore yours) then he pays his own mortgage with his sibling out of whatever is left and you pay your own mortgage out if your money.

I would also consider getting an agreement drafted up with your solicitor to confirm he lives in your house rent free or even come up with a rental amount and have the legal agreement that it is rent only and he doesn't have any claim on your property.

rainkeepsfallingdown · 04/12/2020 06:12

I'm going to go against the grain here.

Yes, your DP is subsidising his sibling. But he's also subsidising your children. You've asked him to treat your children as if they were his own, and yet, when it comes to his sibling, apparently it's his sibling. You have no responsibility towards him.

It feels a bit like your family is your family and his family, but his family is his family alone.

A lot of people feel a similar sort of protectiveness towards a sibling as a child (especially if there's a large age gap) and I think you need to cut him some slack. He made a commitment to his sibling before he did to your kids, and he's trying to stand by everyone.

I sense that it's not so much that he's funding his sibling but that he's earning less than you and you're funding him. It's just that you funding him feels more obvious with his wages even further reduced.

Being honest, are you happy with his level of ambition/career/earnings potential, or are you starting to resent being the breadwinner? Are you both in the same place with what you want to achieve financially in life, or do you feel he's holding you back?

Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 06:20

@rainkeepsfallingdown he does not financially support my 2 DC at all.
I pay 4/5 of the household bills, I pay the mortgage, I pay 4/5 of the food etc so I would like to know where you have worked that out from.
We pay a certain amount in to the house budget again at the same ratio 4/5.

I don’t care how much he earns I don’t care about what his career is, I love him for who he is.
I do care that I will be having to pay the whole of a house why he subsidies his siblings house.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2020 06:22

Omg rain. I am baffled you could think he’s being reasonable. He’s not just subsidising his sibling but her kids and partner. That’s 4 people! Where are you reading he’s subsidising op’s 2 kids. She’s on circa 100k. Idk where you get he’s subsidising op. He is not contributing his fair share to the household he actually lives in, it’s op doing the subsidising. Subsidising 5 people.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2020 06:23

Cross post...

Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 06:26

@Mummyoflittledragon exactly my point. If he didn’t have half a house and I loved him and we are a team it would be very different I wouldn’t mind the whole I put more in but at the moment he owns a half a house and it’s only me who has to sell my house for the next house.
Plus he is paying 500 a month to the house instead of the house his DC lives in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 06:27

He doesn’t subsidise my DC at all I provide for them, I put a roof over their head, I feed them and I pay for their education - not him.

OP posts:
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