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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and shared house with sibling ! AIBU

227 replies

Istheyearoveryet21 · 03/12/2020 23:08

Ok - I am not new by the way but changed my name for this post. I will try to explain the best I can and no drip feed.

My dp and I have 3 kids between us ( me 3 him 1 )
Anyway I have my own house and he moved in.
Years ago him and his sibling got a mortgage on a house splitting the deposit and have been splitting the mortgage ever since.
This is a nice house in a nice area and his sibling lives in the house with partner and kids. . . DP has never lived there.
Now we have our own child, and he is living with me I don’t think it’s fair he is paying half a mortgage of a house he doesn’t live in or benefit from in anyway.
He said it was an investment and that it was meant so when he was ready to need a family home then he would take money out and have a deposit but of course this hasn’t worked because he doesn’t want to upset family.
So as it stands I am the higher earner but work much more hours. When it comes to finances we join money apart from this 500.00 he pays towards this other mortgage every month !
Now his sibling wants to sell the house and get another house using the money from the first house. I have asked DP to take his part money and to stop funding the mortgage also as we have our own family / house to pay for.
Am I being a total cow ?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 04/12/2020 00:00

I’d say either

A) he gets sibling to buy him out by taking on the whole mortgage (and solicitor draw up legalities over what proportion he owns)

B) house is sold, he gets 50%, everyone moves on.

But he should 100% get to fuck if he thinks he should keep subsidising sibling to pay less whilst simultaneously expecting you to pay more.

notapizzaeater · 04/12/2020 00:00

Have they even discussed it with your partner ? Did they think he was going to sub them forever ? Is there much equity in the house ?

giantangryrooster · 04/12/2020 00:00

He is not afraid of rocking the boat with you, is he? Could you tell him that as long as he is choosing to maintain another mortgage and not going full in on your joint household, you don't see him as totally committed.

He is choosing for you to live 'less charmed', so his db can get a bigger/better house. So nah, either he is not fully committed to your family or he is in serious lack of a backbone.

notdaddycool · 04/12/2020 00:01

He should be taking 50% of equity and half what it would rent out at since they’ve been there. But 50% equity would probably be the mad you would get.

MiddleClassProblem · 04/12/2020 00:01

When does he think this arrangement will ever end?

Does he not want to put his child/family first?

hadesinahalfahell · 04/12/2020 00:01

Your DP is SUCH a mug. Is he really, really going to forego all of the equity he has put into his house just so it won't be 'awkward'? He's crazy.

giantangryrooster · 04/12/2020 00:03

so I told him it was either that or I will sort the house out for the kids and I and he can sort him self out 🤣

Apart from the emoji this is spot on, op you need to stick with this.

Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 00:03

@giantangryrooster because our joint income is more he is saying we can cover a higher mortgage which is true. To be honest I could do that without him if I wanted to but I don’t think that’s the point.
I am so close to being mortgage free and don’t see why I should sacrifice that.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 04/12/2020 00:03

@Istheyearoveryet21

Weirdly that’s the frustrating thing he is v bright ! Just an absolutely push over.
Well, you need to draw a line in the sand, pitch your tent, whatever.

Does he want to keep mum & sibling happy at the expense of you and your DC?

(Why did his relationship with mother of his 2 DC come to an end? Being a pushover is ... not great for a relationship.)

Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 00:04

He says his family will be fine with it when the time is right but I keep asking when is the time right.

OP posts:
FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 04/12/2020 00:05

This is so weird! Does the sibling really think it's reasonable to keep your dh paying half the mortgage when they move into a completely new house with their partner?

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 04/12/2020 00:06

Or rather, keep slk the prices of a house they've only paid for half of?

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 04/12/2020 00:06

Proceeds!

Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 00:06

@FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 yes because sibling is hard work ( I do know that ) so is their mum.
I have made it very clear that I will not tolerate them selling the house and using DP equity in another house for them and their children.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 04/12/2020 00:07

Why did his relationship with mother of his 2 DC come to an end? Being a pushover is ... not great for a relationship.)

IGNORE THIS! re-read your OP and see hies just got 1 DC with you.

Why does sibling need to move from a 4-bed house?

giantangryrooster · 04/12/2020 00:07

Why on earth not be mortgage free if that is possible. He is so conflict avoidant he is willing to let you have less for him to avoid conflict. I truly think you response so I told him it was either that or I will sort the house out for the kids and I and he can sort him self out is the one you have to stick with, he might grow a spine Smile.

SimplyRadishing · 04/12/2020 00:08

This is insane.

He is fucking over both his wife and his child
Is he going to be named as an interested party when they buy the next house or will the money somehow magically drift into his siblings pocket?

If they are selling the house then this shot needs to stop now.
I would find a reason to need the money and insist its returned

BackforGood · 04/12/2020 00:08

Currently 96% of the vote is with you OP

I can totally see how the arrangement came about, and I could see, if the brother's family were settled and comfortable in the house, it could be an awkward conversation to start - even though it wouldn't be unexpected, and he totally should.
However, you've said they are selling anyway. So this is clearly the natural end to their plan.
Plan was 'Buy a house, make some money out of it'. Which they have done. The house sells now in the next few months or year, and both brothers take their half of the profit that has been made. Up to your dp what he does with his money and up to his brother what he does with his. His brother can choose to increase his mortgage or to downsize (or possibly other options like move to a cheaper area or take in a lodger), but that really isn't your dp's problem. They made a plan, and now they are selling, the plan has come to fruition.

Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 00:08

@NoSquirrels yes he only has the 1 DC which I mine, ( not expected and had thrown a whole lot of spanner’s in the works )
However my point being is we now have our own child and she needs to come before his niece and nephews.

OP posts:
Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 00:11

I am glad I’m not being a cow 🤣
I told him her could leave if he wishes but there wouldn’t be any other women he would meet that would put up with it either !

OP posts:
Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 00:12

My I have 38k left to pay off my mortgage I just don’t think it’s fair !

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 04/12/2020 00:13

@Istheyearoveryet21

I am glad I’m not being a cow 🤣 I told him her could leave if he wishes but there wouldn’t be any other women he would meet that would put up with it either !
I like you, OP.

I hope he wakes up and smells the coffee.

TheCraicDealer · 04/12/2020 00:13

Honestly if he didn't grow up, realise he needs to prioritise his own family unit and pull out his half of the equity I'd leave him. I couldn't be with anyone who's that much of a walkover. It will never change. They'll just keep taking the mick and it'll impact more and more on you and your kids.

Also worth taking into consideration that if he owns a house already, then if you buy together without him offloading his share you'll have to pay the higher rate of stamp duty. So that's another way you'd be out of pocket just so he doesn't "rock the boat".

cabbageking · 04/12/2020 00:15

I would start putting £500 away a month as your investment.

Then he can see how this monthly sum impacts on the household.

That is in reality what he is doing and it would be fair for you to do the same.

giantangryrooster · 04/12/2020 00:16

@Istheyearoveryet21

My I have 38k left to pay off my mortgage I just don’t think it’s fair !

Not only is it not fair, it's down right stupid and showing lack of commitment.

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