DP and shared house with sibling ! AIBU

[Istheyearoveryet21]

Ok - I am not new by the way but changed my name for this post. I will try to explain the best I can and no drip feed.

My dp and I have 3 kids between us ( me 3 him 1 )
Anyway I have my own house and he moved in.
Years ago him and his sibling got a mortgage on a house splitting the deposit and have been splitting the mortgage ever since.
This is a nice house in a nice area and his sibling lives in the house with partner and kids. . . DP has never lived there.
Now we have our own child, and he is living with me I don’t think it’s fair he is paying half a mortgage of a house he doesn’t live in or benefit from in anyway.
He said it was an investment and that it was meant so when he was ready to need a family home then he would take money out and have a deposit but of course this hasn’t worked because he doesn’t want to upset family.
So as it stands I am the higher earner but work much more hours. When it comes to finances we join money apart from this 500.00 he pays towards this other mortgage every month !
Now his sibling wants to sell the house and get another house using the money from the first house. I have asked DP to take his part money and to stop funding the mortgage also as we have our own family / house to pay for.
Am I being a total cow ?

What was the reason for the arrangement in the first place?

If he was paying rent to live somewhere else and substituting his sisters mortgage, he can't have had much money. Or did they both once live in the property?

It's all quite strange. Is she the favoured child and your DH treated like a black sheep? Is he emotionally manipulated by his parents ?

Is he on your land registry documents? Do you plan for this to happen because if he remains on the other property it will affect stamp duty a lot! It makes sense how it came about but it's now time to pull his money out, but if he's not on your property then for his own security buying somewhere makes sense (if the roles were reversed everyone would be saying this!)

Please protect yourself financially. I think you should buy the new house in your name only.

If you have 2 kids who aren't his and 1 who is, then bills should be split 4 ways not 5, since you have equal responsibility for your joint child. So you pay 3/4 and he pays 1/4 and then you split all childcare/child expenses for joint child 50/50.

If you are going to buy with him, get a lawyer to ring fence your massive deposit, so if you later split, he can't take any of it. Buy as tenants in common with % defined by input.

Do not marry him. You could lose half of everything if he later decides to leave you.

You might have known him since you were 10, but people change an awful lot in their 20's and you may not be compatible any more. You could move him back out and go back to being friends.

I suspect you will find that if DP requests his share of the equity, his sibling will suddenly decide not to sell

Don't get married whatever you do

He pays 1/5?
So contributes *nothing

• to his child while his living costs are subsidised by you? Sounds an absolute prize of a man.

The more I read the more I am raging on your behalf. You have a child he needs to step up and stop pissing about.

You need to show him the cost of a child inc nursery and ask him where his half is coming from.
Why does he expect not to pay for his child and for you to pay in full?
How does he see that as fair?

I'd also be inclined to ask him to move out so there is more room as you are overcrowded and start claiming child maintenance.

As others said marriage, new house with shared mortgage etc are off the table for you due to his choices and behaviour - very sad he'd behave this way.

I would 100% break up over this as I couldn't kid myself I was in a mutual respectful relationship.

So if they move, which they have decided to do because your do now has a house (your house but why should that worry them) it’s likely to be their forever home. When will HIS dd see her inheritance? If anything happened to Dp the money will be needed to raise her but is tied up in a house so they’d be forced to sell? How long would that take and the fallout would probably mean dd wouldn’t see dps family etc. Or dd will only see the money when sil and her partner passes away? What if her cousins have stayed at home/moved in, can’t sell it then either? If he doesn’t sort it now it’s never going to be, and that would be a deal breaker for me because he’s priorities are all wrong.

because our joint income is more he is saying we can cover a higher mortgage which is true. To be honest I could do that without him if I wanted to but I don’t think that’s the point.

Ask him to repeat that!

He is saying that becauae he is living with you his sibling is entitled to benefit from your wages too! Where does that end?

If you threw him out and he had to pay CB how would that affect his disposable money? You both have to think about that because he either considers you and his child his immediate family or he does not! If he does not then you have a problem that is already starting to fester!

Nice guy he may be, generous too when allowed to use someone elses earnings to prop up his family guy persona! But he has to grow up... quickly!

It might be easier to split the problem into parts:
1. DP has a sum of money that it invested in a house
2. DP’s half of the house isn’t earning any rent as it would if let to strangers
3. DP is paying £500 per month to support his sibling’s family
4. DP is only paying 1/5 of your household bills (not sure why it’s 1/5 rather than 1/4 if you have 2 other children & his baby). No rent.
5. If DP was not living in your house he would be paying maintenance to support his child - would this be more or less than his current input?
6. Having had DP’s baby, you are worse off financially due to mat leave, childcare & needing bigger house
I agree with some of this, except:

1. Having his own investment in a property isn't a problem and is something that many posters on here suggest women do if they find themselves moving in with a man who owns his own property.
2. If the £500 is his mortgage payment on his jointly owned house then he's still paying for his own investment, albeit without rental income.
3. Thread after thread tells women not to be paying rent to a man or paying towards the mortgage on his house unless she is on the deeds. I wouldn't expect her DP to be paying her rent either because the same principle applies.

However, he should be paying his share of bills plus part of his child's.

It's a complicated situation and the OP is probably better off buying the new house in her name, using her money and then DP pays his (fair!) share of the bills and costs for his child. In the event of a split, he can move out, OP keeps the house and he would have to pay maintenance. The house being in her name only means he cannot try to force the sale in the event of a split and he doesn't have a claim on the property.

Yanbu. He'll probably never get the sister to buy him out and if she does it'll probably be at below market price.

So essentially your DP has just been chucking hundreds of pounds and his family every month - at your expense!!!!

I feel so angry for you. Like actually twitchy. Your dp is not a nice man to do this to you. Can an entire family be a cocklodger?? Cause that’s kind of what’s happened to you here

Where did he live before he moved in with you?

I think you have to end the relationship or at least make sure you are legally protected. You could end up losing half your assets if you buy a house together and put his name on the deeds. Make sure you ring fence your proportion. Else buy on your own and get him to buy his own place.

What arrangement does the sibling want going forward re DPs contribution and name on deeds.

@Istheyearoveryet21

Thanks guys you have given me a lot to think about !!! I am worried about the fact that I earn a good wage will mean they think they have got away with it.

Drag him to a financial advisor and make them spell out in words of one syllable why this is crazy.

He might listen to a professional

Have I got this right, you work hard, lots of hours, with 3 kids, earn more, pay more into the budget and pay the mortgage. While he works less, pays less and give 500 a month to a mortgage he can't 'cash in' through obligation. Surely the sibling moving would be a great time to extract his money. I would suggest he needs to start paying you towards the mortgage aswell/or a rent, up to you. No reason why he shouldn't. If he has less money he may realise how this needs to stop and get his money back. I would suggest to him how is it fair that you have to work more for his sister to have her mortgage part paid. And that his child should be coming first now and not his sister

Also if they split the deposit and mortgage and they move and upgrade and the mortgage increases will his payment increase to or how would the percentages then work?

This is unbelievable and I can't believe your DH is subsidising his siblings lifestyle! What does the siblings partner say about it? Laughing all the way I suspect

Getting to the basics, he is paying £500 every month in maintenance, which is a huge amount of your family income anyway; but he isn't paying that money to support his child(ren) as a NRP should, but he is paying it to maintain children who are not his as well as their parents!

That would be an unusual state of affairs even if you were rich and they penniless; but they actually have a better lifestyle than you do - because they only have half a mortgage to pay and no rent for the other half.

Imagine your DP and his sibling were still children and they'd been given a big cake to share between them, which their mum cut into quarters and gave them two quarters each. If DP's sibling then asked DP for one of his two quarters, on the basis that he would still have a whole quarter left for himself and, besides, DP's sibling would really love to have three quarters of the cake - because who doesn't love cake and want as much of it as they can get? Would anybody ever think that remotely fair? It's exactly the same thing - except they are adults and no longer children, which only makes it even worse.

Tell Dsis to rent out rooms to cover his half of the mortgage.
I don't know anyone paying a mortgage not living there and getting no kick.
My Dsis has many mortgages she'd never pay them from her personal funds.
The rents cover them.

The sibling should have been paying all the mortgage considering they're living there, your DPs half should have been rent for his half of the house. So now the sibling wants to sell the house and continue having your DP pay for a new bigger one? What a cheek, I think they definitely should sell up and take their halves back, let the sibling buy and pay for their own house/family

@Istheyearoveryet21

Right ! Now they are not short of money as such they have more money than my DP probably not more than If we add my money but I think we will need to move soon and I don’t see why only my house sale should be the contribution to a bigger house. If he took his money our combined with mine we could buy a house with no mortgage. However he is saying this is unfair because then his siblings mortgage would increase. But surely that is not my problem😐

His siblings mortgage is not his problem, why does he think it is?

yanb a cow but I think you were very foolish to not have asked and resolved all of this before having a child with him. This has entirely worked out in your dp favour. Im not saying that he was up to something dodgy, but you are now sitting with an issue and the only mug here was you. He was paying for a house that he didn't even live in?

I am not a mug and my daughter wasn’t planned and as much as she wasn’t planned which might have been stupid I can’t change that and she is very much loved and will be very well looked after no matter what.

Sorry I am probably a bit hormonal as she came early and I’m still dealing with all that.

To be honest I’d ask him to move out! Where did he live before he moved into yours?

He can move out and pay rent elsewhere and you stay in your own house that’s your not his

Tell him if he wants to live with you he can get his equity and deposit from sale if other house and you both contribute to buying a new house

He’s hoping for a free ride and I wouldn’t be enabling it

What happens if he loses his job who’ll pay the mortgage on the joint house with sibling will they expect you to pay it cos I can see that happening and yes I think they’ll ask through your DP.

Time to be hard and sort this out and tell him this happens or he’s out plus where was he staying before he moved in too was it with mum by any chance.

Also will he get a mortgage whilst having one already. Won’t it affect him as he isn’t a high earner as affordability.

What your assets are and what you earn aren't really relevant here.
What you and he have agreed about splitting finances coming in to your home aren't really relevant.

The point is, two brothers bought a house as an investment.
The house is now being sold, so that investment is realised - they each take 50% of the profit.
End of.

I mean, we could question why your dp's db's partner hasn't been paying rent to your dp over the years, but that ship has probably sailed. Two brothers made an agreement and now - as the house is sold - that "contract" (even if it were just verbal) has come to an end any each brother walks away with 50% of the profit, as planned when they looked in to buying the house.

The family earn a decent amount between them - they now should be appreciating how lucky they've been to have been living in a big house without paying rent for the 50% they don't own, for so long, and now they need to stand on their own feet like grown ups and make decisions about where they are going to live, based on the equity they will start with and the income they have. They are in a much better place than most young families, due to your dp being so generous for so many years.

I think they definitely should sell up and take their halves back, let the sibling buy and pay for their own house/family
I agree.
The property was a sensible investment by 2 brothers at that stage in their lives. Now their lives have changed they should sell the property, take half each and use their funds to finance their own independent investments and lives.