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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP and shared house with sibling ! AIBU

227 replies

Istheyearoveryet21 · 03/12/2020 23:08

Ok - I am not new by the way but changed my name for this post. I will try to explain the best I can and no drip feed.

My dp and I have 3 kids between us ( me 3 him 1 )
Anyway I have my own house and he moved in.
Years ago him and his sibling got a mortgage on a house splitting the deposit and have been splitting the mortgage ever since.
This is a nice house in a nice area and his sibling lives in the house with partner and kids. . . DP has never lived there.
Now we have our own child, and he is living with me I don’t think it’s fair he is paying half a mortgage of a house he doesn’t live in or benefit from in anyway.
He said it was an investment and that it was meant so when he was ready to need a family home then he would take money out and have a deposit but of course this hasn’t worked because he doesn’t want to upset family.
So as it stands I am the higher earner but work much more hours. When it comes to finances we join money apart from this 500.00 he pays towards this other mortgage every month !
Now his sibling wants to sell the house and get another house using the money from the first house. I have asked DP to take his part money and to stop funding the mortgage also as we have our own family / house to pay for.
Am I being a total cow ?

OP posts:
rainkeepsfallingdown · 04/12/2020 06:27

@Istheyearoveryet21 If you're living together as a blended family, you must have shared costs. Whatever proportion of those costs you and he pay, they all go into one pot to pay for the whole family, being you, him and the kids. I apologise as I've clearly offended you by how I've expressed that - the point is, you are living as one family unit. You make decisions as a family. But his sibling seems to be very much not a part of what you consider to be your family unit.

If you don't care about how much he earns, can you just look at it as his salary is whatever it actually is minus the amount his pays towards his sibling? Now that you are a family, he certainly shouldn't be chucking any more money towards his relatives without discussing that with you, but it sounds like he made this arrangement before he moved in with you?

Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 06:32

@rainkeepsfallingdown because his sibling is family but I don’t pay for a house for my own siblings and they would never ask me to. I won’t reduce the amount he puts in and I won’t increase the amount I put in because he wants to pay for his sibling.
As it stands that’s exactly how it is but how will he afford to pay anything towards buying our house if his deposit and equity is still tied up in the other house ? That means I would be solely paying to whole house and he contributes nothing despite owning a whole house.
If we then add siblings in to the equations and I decided to put a deposit half on both my siblings to get a house and pay half their mortgage we wouldn’t be able to afford our own house at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 06:32

Half house not whole house.

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 04/12/2020 06:37

Very weird.

Why have you allowed him to move in with you/have a baby with him when he is throwing a large chunk of his money at his brother each month and refusing to take equity back?

Again, how strange.

ukgift2016 · 04/12/2020 06:39

To add, just realised he is also not paying his way in YOUR house! Come on girl, he is a cocklodger.

You should got this sorted before he moved in and before you had a child with him. Beggars belief.

converseandjeans · 04/12/2020 06:40

I agree with you - he needs to at least stop paying £500 a month.

I'm intrigued as to what your job is - you sound really sorted to pay off a big mortgage like that on your own & it sounds like your children are at private school too.

I think you should consider moving and buying on your own. Otherwise you may end up losing half the full value of your new property if DP goes on the paperwork. You have something like 750k equity. He would be entitled to half that.

Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 06:44

Ok so baby wise - she wasn’t planned but she is here now and I ant hoover her back up so that’s done.
Which is why we are starting to sort out all this stuff.
So yes irresponsible - fell pregnant my fault however I am trying to make things work.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 04/12/2020 06:45

His brother should have being paying rent on the half of the house he doesn't pay a mortgage on, has he?

YANBU by the way.

Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 06:46

@ukgift2016 he has only very recently moved in. He is paying in to the bills etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 06:50

@ukgift2016 I have no idea ! I do not have the same relationship with my siblings I mean we love each other but we would never put one another and I would help them out if needed short term but not something like this. However for what ever reason he even seeks validation from this sibling about everything !

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 04/12/2020 06:52

YANBU to expect him to sell his portion of his house in order to fund a joint houss with house both on the deeds.

It's fine for him to have a separate property when he is living in your property. In fact that's sensible as you aren't married, but a joint property moving forward should be paid by both of you fairly.

Your DP needs to decide if he is going to prioritise a family home, which will also be an investment for him, or continue being a pushover.

Original poster
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 06:52

@converseandjeans ha it’s nothing exciting I am not a high flying business women or anything like that.
The house is cheap for around here I got off lightly.

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 04/12/2020 06:54

WTF!!

LilyLongJohn · 04/12/2020 06:58

I can see why he's doing this, and can understand why, but I do think he's being taken for a ride but his sibling. She gets to live in a house with half the mortgage being paid. In his shoes I'd have wanted her to pay rent on my half of the mortgage, or get a larger proportion of the equity..

If he decides to continue the arrangement on the new house she buys, he needs to ensure his half of the equity is protected legally. (She sounds like a cf so who know what may happen in the future)

As for your financial set up with him, I think as long as the house is in your name and he's paying for half of bills etc, then what he does with his disposable money is up to him, even if it is paying for a mortgage on another house. But if you move, please make sure it's either in your name (as you're not married) or you ring fence any equity legally and he pays his half, not your responsibility to subsidise him if he can't afford two mortgages

Quartz2208 · 04/12/2020 07:14

I think the problem here is that in many ways if it is an investment the house with his sibling (which I assume was put in a contract at 50/50) was a good idea and easy to set up.

If his sibling now wants to sell of course it is the time to dissolve this partnership and for him to now prioritise the family unit of his new family.

However merging your assets together isnt I think quite so straightforward and would need a lot of legal advice and a well written contract to protect fairly both you assets. Given your house worth at the moment and the fact you are looking at mortgage free how will his investment in the house grow.

I recommend actually that you both get some independent legal and financial advice about the best course of action for both your investments before coming together and getting it all down legally together (including wills etc and how that works with children) and who owns what proportion of the house.

Because he doesnt own a WHOLE house OP he owns part of it. And with the complicated bits at play I am almost tempted to say he remaining a part owner in his brothers house but them paying rent (and his equity as a proportion ringfenced and no mortgage being paid) and you buying your own house and keeping that as a ringfenced asset and then having more disposable cash to share does almost make sense to protect everyones investment.

But as I said I think proper advice here is needed

LilyLongJohn · 04/12/2020 07:15

If his sibling moves to a bigger house, are they expecting your dp to cover 50% of the larger mortgage, continue to pay his £500 or simply slip away quietly so they can pocket his share of the equity?

Mamanyt · 04/12/2020 07:22

Tell DP that it's great that she wants to sell up, now he'll see the return on his investment. If, however, he makes noises about NOT splitting the proceeds, I'd have a serious discussion about fiscal responsibility to one's wife and children.

billybagpuss · 04/12/2020 07:23

It will be interesting to see what the mortgage company think of this set up, as when he bought I guess sibling was alone, now has DP and dcs, so 3 adults having interest in the house one not resident, in the current financial crisis. My knowledge is very out of date but this wouldn’t have been a straightforward agreement
.

slipperywhensparticus · 04/12/2020 07:24

I think you saying your trying to make it work is a bit if a red flag dont tie yourself further to him financially set yourself and the kids up right he can go share a house with his brother

Thecatisboss · 04/12/2020 07:35

YANBU. If you do buy a house with your DP please make sure you ring fence your deposit and buy as tenants in common rather than joint tenants - speak to a solicitor about it (tenants in common will let you leave your percentage to your children rather than going to your partner though you can leave a life interest since could live there -joint tenants would automatically pass to the other person buying the house with).

OverTheRainbow88 · 04/12/2020 07:42

How bizarre, hope it gets resolved

billybagpuss · 04/12/2020 07:49

And if you’re paying privately for your dcs surely you will want the new one to have the same advantages so would he be able to afford to contribute towards that?

CakeRequired · 04/12/2020 07:52

This is just so weird and sorry op, but he is stupid. He's letting them take him for a ride and he doesn't even seem to care.

You are right, he should be asking for his half now and focusing on his child. But he's probably not going to, he is ruled by his family. You knew this for almost 20 years, I'm not sure why you actually bothered to have a relationship with him. His family are priority. You're unlikely to ever be priority. He's into a long ingrained habit now of letting them have their own way.

I'd give up, kick him out and proceed in buying my own bigger house. It will at least show him you're serious, but don't expect him to come running back.

WildfirePonie · 04/12/2020 07:55

Make plans to move without him OP. He is like a dead weight around your neck, why should you carry him?

He can live with his sibling in the house he part owns. The whole family are taking the piss!

Shelby2010 · 04/12/2020 07:56

It might be easier to split the problem into parts:

  1. DP has a sum of money that it invested in a house
  2. DP’s half of the house isn’t earning any rent as it would if let to strangers
  3. DP is paying £500 per month to support his sibling’s family
  4. DP is only paying 1/5 of your household bills (not sure why it’s 1/5 rather than 1/4 if you have 2 other children & his baby). No rent.
  5. If DP was not living in your house he would be paying maintenance to support his child - would this be more or less than his current input?
  6. Having had DP’s baby, you are worse off financially due to mat leave, childcare & needing bigger house.

It sounds like you would be better off not marrying DP and making sure he doesn’t get a claim on your house. In which case he should keep his investment.

Solution: Sibling sells house and moves to one that they can afford the mortgage on. If DP decides to keep his investment in their property, this is done legally & they start paying rent at a rate that covers the mortgage. DP then pays you the £500 a month he’s saved as maintenance for you shared child. You use it to pay your mortgage on your bigger house.

Other solutions: DP tells sibling that he’s moving into his share of the house as it’s the only way he can afford to support his child.
Or you tell DP that you want to be a SAHM can he support you doing that?