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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP and shared house with sibling ! AIBU

227 replies

Istheyearoveryet21 · 03/12/2020 23:08

Ok - I am not new by the way but changed my name for this post. I will try to explain the best I can and no drip feed.

My dp and I have 3 kids between us ( me 3 him 1 )
Anyway I have my own house and he moved in.
Years ago him and his sibling got a mortgage on a house splitting the deposit and have been splitting the mortgage ever since.
This is a nice house in a nice area and his sibling lives in the house with partner and kids. . . DP has never lived there.
Now we have our own child, and he is living with me I don’t think it’s fair he is paying half a mortgage of a house he doesn’t live in or benefit from in anyway.
He said it was an investment and that it was meant so when he was ready to need a family home then he would take money out and have a deposit but of course this hasn’t worked because he doesn’t want to upset family.
So as it stands I am the higher earner but work much more hours. When it comes to finances we join money apart from this 500.00 he pays towards this other mortgage every month !
Now his sibling wants to sell the house and get another house using the money from the first house. I have asked DP to take his part money and to stop funding the mortgage also as we have our own family / house to pay for.
Am I being a total cow ?

OP posts:
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 00:17

@NoSquirrels I raised 2 children myself working full time to buy my house, I saved hard so I am no way that stupid to let someone take me for a idiot tbh.

OP posts:
Twofurrycatsagain · 04/12/2020 00:19

Yanbu or a cow. Your partner needs to extract himself from this asap. In fact, the sibling wanting to move is the ideal time to do it.
If he is hesitant to do this for fear of 'rocking the boat' with people who are hard work I'm afraid I'd be even more hard work. I speak from bitter experience from dealing with (thankfully) ex bil and mil. Trying to reason with the unreasonable is a joyless task.

Titterofwit · 04/12/2020 00:20

But surely there will never ever be a time for BIL etc to give him back 50% of the equity. If they buy a new house with 100% of the equity they could live there for 40 years and never sell but just pass it on to their own children. How will he ever recoup his money then?

Sobeyondthehills · 04/12/2020 00:20

I don't think that this is that unusual, the only time I have heard of, where one of them has moved out, they both agreed to keep the house, but the person moving out, had to get a lodger or keep paying his half on the mortgage (neither wanted to sell at this time) so technically would be paying on two places. He got a lodger to pay the bills, so he still owns half of the property (and has to deal with anything the lodger complains about.) However if they do come to sell, he would also get 50% of whatever is left after the mortgage is paid.

As long as the sibling is not expecting him to go halves on the next house. Then now is the time to stop this.

If, however, the sibling decides they don't want to sell, then he either needs to get a lodger in to cover the bills or sibling needs to buy him out. Or they need to sell the house regardless, it has worked for my friends, so far, but I know they are just waiting to see what happens in 2021 before making a decision

AviciaJones · 04/12/2020 00:21

Yes definitely tell him he can move in with his sibling, because he is not going to be living in your house if he is subsidising someone else. Foolish man.

Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 00:23

The thing is I do understand they have children and less of an income than I do ( my income is probably the same as DP, sibling and their partner combined ) however why does that mean that i should subsidise a hour for them.
They won’t be homeless, they drive nice cars , children have way more luxuries than my 2 older children have ever had ( maybe I’m just tighter 🤣)

OP posts:
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 00:25

@Sobeyondthehills he has never lived there and yes he is expecting all the money to go in to the next house.
They would not accept a lodger.

OP posts:
giantangryrooster · 04/12/2020 00:28

He won't be a lodge, he will be a co-owner.

giantangryrooster · 04/12/2020 00:29

Lodge?? Hopefully not, a lodge perhaps?

giantangryrooster · 04/12/2020 00:29

No no damn autocorrect LODGER

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 04/12/2020 00:32

If he took his money our combined with mine we could buy a house with no mortgage. However he is saying this is unfair because then his siblings mortgage would increase.

Of course their mortgage will increase - because they will be buying a whole house (and bigger than their existing one, by the sounds of it) as opposed to the half a (smaller) house they're buying at the moment. The new house will eventually be theirs outright, whereas they will only ever own half of their current home, unless they buy your DP out. Surely they can understand that buying half of something costs less (generally 50% as much) than buying the whole thing?!

I can understand how the investment arrangement might have started in the beginning, but wouldn't they have expected to split the rent from their tenant? Thus, when sibling becomes the tenant, they (theoretically) pay themselves half of the rent and pay the other half to the other 50% owner/investor. An alternative (probably a legal minefield, though) might have been an agreement that the split in ownership equity would be adjusted every month/year in favour of your DP as a trade-off for the non-payment of upfront rent.

The sibling (rightly) seems to see their half equity as a very valuable commodity but somehow (very wrongly) sees your DP's equal equity as a little something like a spare lawn mower or telly to be borrowed indefinitely.

This is madness. If they can't or don't want to get a mortgage on a whole house, they can always look into shared ownership. Naturally, they'll have to pay rent for the half they don't own, but if they complain about that your DP just needs to tell them that they've had an amazingly generous free ride so far, but exactly how long did they expect to have somebody else paying half of their mortgage with no financial benefit to themselves? They can hardly plead poverty if they're already living in a very decent family home and they want to move to something even bigger. If anything, they should be cutting their cloth and moving to somewhere smaller.

willitbetonight · 04/12/2020 00:35

Does he contribute properly to your current home op?

biwinoone · 04/12/2020 00:40

he needs to see if he can put a charge on the house so that it's not sold unless he is payed his share of deposit and mortgage back.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 04/12/2020 00:40

Why doesn't partner move in with sibling? he seems to value that relationship more than his relationship with you.
He and sibling both CFs.

Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 00:42

@willitbetonight not towards the mortgage. He does pay towards bills
/ food etc

So the plan would be we would sell my house ( worth around 800,000 ) we need a house in the same area for many reason But at least one extra bedroom and bathroom.
I could sell my house and buy again no problem it would take me longer than current to finish paying off mortgage.
Their house which is worth less but his part would mean we wouldn’t need to get any sort of Mortgage.
I would still be the one who has put more in the house if that makes sense so I don’t think is unreasonable.

OP posts:
Charliecatpaws · 04/12/2020 00:45

@Istheyearoveryet21

Right ! Now they are not short of money as such they have more money than my DP probably not more than If we add my money but I think we will need to move soon and I don’t see why only my house sale should be the contribution to a bigger house. If he took his money our combined with mine we could buy a house with no mortgage. However he is saying this is unfair because then his siblings mortgage would increase. But surely that is not my problem😐
No way - your DP needs to get his share of the profit when the house is sold, why the hell should he subsidise his brother and his partner???? WTF!!! He has a child of his own to support FFS
jay55 · 04/12/2020 00:45

If you and your partner wanted to buy together, you would have to pay the second home rate of stamp duty, which would be massively unfair.
Why does he want things to stay so complicated? Is he a doormat all the time?

FortunesFave · 04/12/2020 00:46

This would be an 'ending things' moment for me OP. I know that sounds extreme but his attitude is bad....as a Father he should be thinking of securing HIS child's future and not his brother's.

If he refused to change things, I'd end it. He's basically benefiting from your home without contributing.

Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 00:47

@Charliecatpaws exactly my point is if I didn’t have my house, then what ? It’s like they think they have for away with it because he has got with someone who already has a house.
They did the wrong person 🤣

OP posts:
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 00:48

Sorry - got the wrong person
I apologise I have very recently had the baby so my brain is tired !

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 04/12/2020 00:48

Istheyearoveryet21 "Weirdly that’s the frustrating thing he is v bright ! Just an absolutely push over."

Your DP is not just being a pushover for his own self but also for you and for his child. The idea that his sibling gets to move into another house and have your partner supporting him is ridiculous. He will never get that money back unless he acts now. He needs to get tough otherwise is he neglecting his own child. And you are loosing out too. Selfish relatives taking advantage. Yes, his relative is family but now so are you and your (shared) child.

lurklemurkle · 04/12/2020 00:51

You need to separate this into two steps for him.

  1. The house he and sibling bought 50/50 is sold and they each get 50% of the proceeds.
  1. He decides to either put his 50% of the proceeds into his sibling's new house or put it into the house you and his child will live in.
saraclara · 04/12/2020 00:52

I hope your house is safe from him taking much from it if you ever split up.

Bloody hell though. £800,000 house on your own, and you earn more than the other three combined? I'm a little less sympathetic about the £500, and very envious.

Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 00:54

My other issue is that the whole non commitment this is worrying right.

As i don’t want to go back to having a large mortgage. So He would have to contribute to new house whether out of the house money or another form however I will be contributing my house money completely it would be a contribution if about 1/5 from him. Which I know isn’t his fault but I don’t it worrying.

OP posts:
Istheyearoveryet21 · 04/12/2020 00:55

@saraclara the house is not a mansion or anything it’s just because where we live. I however worked and saved so hard for it.
It’s a 3 bedroom house.

OP posts: