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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be embarrassed to pass on a gift to my family?

139 replies

Twillow · 03/12/2020 13:04

Prepares self to be shot down in flames...

I have received an xmas gift for my whole family from a relative. What's embarassing about it is that it is sooo cheap - think poundshop and damaged/regifted items!
There is a bit of history about gift-giving which I won't go into.
I love these people very much and they are close members of my small and dwindling family.
Maybe they really don't like me as much as I like them, I don't know.
But I just think my own family is going to laugh when they open it. I don't want them to dislike these people! AIBU to buy something else and keep schtum?

OP posts:
Woewoewoejoy · 03/12/2020 13:07

That's quite mean. A gift is a gift. Why would you replace it? And if you're family thinks down on someone for a gift they have given the. I would be questioning the morals of the family!

applepineapple · 03/12/2020 13:09

At the end of the day it's from them not you. Why would your family judge you for it? Surely they know what this member is like anyway if they have form for this sort of thing.

TheyPavedParadise · 03/12/2020 13:09

How odd. Are your family generally materialistic/scathing of people who don’t buy them expensive stuff?
I have an aunt who always buys us very cheap gifts. She has a low income, and doesn’t have to buy us anything at all, so we’re happy!
Whatever happened to ‘it’s the thought that counts’?

VladmirsPoutine · 03/12/2020 13:11

Yabu. Just tell them x got them this gift and leave it at that. If you replace it what happens if it inadvertently comes up? You'll just be digging yourself an unnecessary hole.

Original poster
Twillow · 03/12/2020 13:13

That's just it - if it's about 'it's the thought that counts' then is the thought that we are not worth giving something that we would genuinely use and like.
Also that we are not worth spending much on but that is not the main point!
They have a similar income to ourselves btw.
I'd rather not have anything than something which is more like a slap in the face.

OP posts:
Woewoewoejoy · 03/12/2020 13:15

What's the gift though?

Original poster
Twillow · 03/12/2020 13:17

@Woewoewoejoy

What's the gift though?
That would be too outing. I certainly don't want to start a family war, I just want to vent my hurt!
OP posts:
notdaddycool · 03/12/2020 13:17

I think you should give it to them, but if you buy a substitute by the same thing but better, so if they say thank you for the shortbread or thank you for the socks then it won't out you. Another problem is what they might buy next year and give to someone who doesn't substitute, but you'll have to cross that bridge when you get there.

TheyPavedParadise · 03/12/2020 13:17

@Twillow

That's just it - if it's about 'it's the thought that counts' then is the thought that we are not worth giving something that we would genuinely use and like. Also that we are not worth spending much on but that is not the main point! They have a similar income to ourselves btw. I'd rather not have anything than something which is more like a slap in the face.
You say it’s a much loved member of your family, then basically talk about them like you dislike them. It’s a gift. If my family were the type to think worse of someone for buying a gift they deem rubbish then I’d be a bit disappointed in them to be honest. Sounds like you’re the one with the issue though, not your family.
LawnFever · 03/12/2020 13:18

How do you know what the gift is?

You sound very materialistic and ungrateful OP - I was always taught to thank people for a gift, any gift at all - this is a great opportunity to teach your kids that it’s the thought the counts no matter what the gift is and to be thankful that someone’s given something no matter what it is

CorianderQueen · 03/12/2020 13:19

@Woewoewoejoy

That's quite mean. A gift is a gift. Why would you replace it? And if you're family thinks down on someone for a gift they have given the. I would be questioning the morals of the family!
Depends if it's obviously a slight - see millionaire buys everyone else £100 present and you a £4 shower gel.

That would hurt my feelings.

OP just give it to your family it's not a reflection on you.

DaisyDreaming · 03/12/2020 13:20

Just let them laugh if needbe, we used to have a chuckle at some things but while still appreciating it and thanking them genuinely

Original poster
Twillow · 03/12/2020 13:21

@notdaddycool

I think you should give it to them, but if you buy a substitute by the same thing but better, so if they say thank you for the shortbread or thank you for the socks then it won't out you. Another problem is what they might buy next year and give to someone who doesn't substitute, but you'll have to cross that bridge when you get there.
That's a good idea. If only it WERE shortbread or socks, I wouldn't be complaining about that! The bridge I think we need to cross is let's not bother next year!
OP posts:
5zeds · 03/12/2020 13:21

Give it as is and address any issues it raises. Explain that you find it odd and a bit uncaring but you love them. Never hide from the awkward stuff it just grows.

MrsTwitcher · 03/12/2020 13:21

Gift it to Santa instead or the dog/cat/guinea pig

TheyPavedParadise · 03/12/2020 13:21

@DaisyDreaming

Just let them laugh if needbe, we used to have a chuckle at some things but while still appreciating it and thanking them genuinely
And this. Honestly we have a little laugh at the often awful gifts from my aunt. But we love her so it’s a fond laugh, and we thank her appropriately.
inappropriateraspberry · 03/12/2020 13:23

Will the giver be with you when your family get the gift? I take it you've already opened it if you know what it is.
You come across as very snobby and materialistic.
The polite thing is to smile and say thank you, whether you like the gift or not. In private, you can think whatever you want about it.
Your relative could not have bothered getting you anything at all. Would that have offended you more? Either they don't know you well enough or you don't know them. What are their financial circumstances, how close are you all?
It seems an odd thing to get worked up about really. Just accept it with good grace and move on.

NoParticularPattern · 03/12/2020 13:27

Just give it. It’s not your place to judge why they bought something so “cheap” or what they think of you. I’m sure I’ve given many terrible gifts in my time and probably will again, but my family aren’t as mean about it as you seem to be so I don’t know for certain. It’s not a gift from you, you don’t get to decide to upgrade, replace or Chuck it.

Calmandmeasured1 · 03/12/2020 13:27

Why have you even opened the gift already? Re-wrap and put under the tree until Christmas day. Have a laugh about it, thank relative properly then part way through next year ask if they would mind if you don't exchange presents in future.

Original poster
Twillow · 03/12/2020 13:28

@LawnFever

How do you know what the gift is?

You sound very materialistic and ungrateful OP - I was always taught to thank people for a gift, any gift at all - this is a great opportunity to teach your kids that it’s the thought the counts no matter what the gift is and to be thankful that someone’s given something no matter what it is

It's in a box, not wrapped/sealed! If you knew me you would know I am far from materialistic. I always ask my kids not to waste their money on me, I absolutely love getting a drawing or a poem from them. My immediate family have always been extremely thoughtful gift-givers. Maybe that's influencing my thoughts too much.

It is as I say the thought not the generosity that I'm concerned with. Would never judge anyone for their bank balance. And tbh this is fairly typical gifting from this person.

OP posts:
inappropriateraspberry · 03/12/2020 13:31

So not immediate family, but a distant relative? Who cares? Use it, bin it or donate after Christmas. Those are your solutions.

TheyPavedParadise · 03/12/2020 13:33

But you think your family may think badly of them for giving a rubbish gift? That’s what I am finding difficult to understand.
You say she’s a much loved member of your family but honestly it doesn’t come across that way at all.
If you all love her surely it would just be a slightly amusing incident? Like a fond ‘ah look, it’s the usual half a packet of smarties from aunt x’.

WhySoSensitive · 03/12/2020 13:34

It’s not your gift to change, give it like you’ve been asked to and leave it at that.

Imagine if you found out that last five years someone had been swapping your gift out instead of giving what you’ve bought.

Popcorntoes · 03/12/2020 13:34

I don't get who all the people are here? The gift giver is a relative but bought it "for your family". By your family do you mean you and your other siblings, or your children/DH? Or is the person, say, your mum, and your only relative, and the gift is for you, DH, kids and all DH's family who will be there at Xmas?

If the gift is for me+DH+kids I'd just nip it in the bud by saying we are grateful for any gift.

If for your "birth family" surely you all are related, why are you specially having to protect the relative?

If it's about protecting "your" side of the family from DH's side who might laugh, that's more tricky- I'd suggest getting DH on side to model kindness and gratitude and rein them in a bit.

Original poster
Twillow · 03/12/2020 13:34

@inappropriateraspberry

Will the giver be with you when your family get the gift? I take it you've already opened it if you know what it is. You come across as very snobby and materialistic. The polite thing is to smile and say thank you, whether you like the gift or not. In private, you can think whatever you want about it. Your relative could not have bothered getting you anything at all. Would that have offended you more? Either they don't know you well enough or you don't know them. What are their financial circumstances, how close are you all? It seems an odd thing to get worked up about really. Just accept it with good grace and move on.
No they won't be with us. And they've mailed it before December! Of course I would smile and be polite if they were opening with us.

I was going to have the conversation that as none of us really need anything shall we do a charity donate, or a secret santa instead.

OP posts: