Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to be embarrassed to pass on a gift to my family?

139 replies

Twillow · 03/12/2020 13:04

Prepares self to be shot down in flames...

I have received an xmas gift for my whole family from a relative. What's embarassing about it is that it is sooo cheap - think poundshop and damaged/regifted items!
There is a bit of history about gift-giving which I won't go into.
I love these people very much and they are close members of my small and dwindling family.
Maybe they really don't like me as much as I like them, I don't know.
But I just think my own family is going to laugh when they open it. I don't want them to dislike these people! AIBU to buy something else and keep schtum?

OP posts:
30mph · 03/12/2020 16:49

Could they be feeling the effects of age? My Mum was always a bit 'strange' with her gift choices, but this got much more extreme as her health declined into dementia :-(

Quaagars · 03/12/2020 16:51

then randomly send my brother and I a £1 small tube of sweets
Even as kids/teens we thought it was ludicrously cheap/shitty and obviously had no thought whatsoever involved. It was insulting I’d rather they not bothered*

See, that's where we all differ then as it honestly didn't cross my mind to think things like "this person only bought me shitty chocolates, shouldn't have bothered at all" - I'd be like "well I love chocolate, yum"

Quaagars · 03/12/2020 16:51

Bold fail whoops

Lougle · 03/12/2020 17:02

I think you need to value the sentiments (presented nicely, sent way in advance) rather than the contents.

GabsAlot · 03/12/2020 17:02

is it hot and cold taps

Sonofapizzaman · 03/12/2020 17:16

People are so previous about gifts.

Some gifts are crap gifts - there’s just no getting away from that and I can see why the OP might just rather not pass it on but then there’s the risk the giver might find out which could be awkward.

It’s really not a case of all gifts and lovely and thoughtful and you should be ever so grateful.

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2020 17:24

If this relative is

a) the sort of person who is in general a bit bad at gifts (never saying thank you etc)
b) keen to get it sent pre-December
c) a generally otherwise loved person

then I'm not sure why the conclusion you'd jump to is that they don't like your family?

Isn't it much more likely - this year - that they have struggled to get to the shops (lockdown etc), wanted to make sure you received something on time, and just made you a little box of stuff they're not using but thought would be reasonable for a gift.

Some people are shit at gift-giving.
Some other people take it to heart in a way that is not healthy.

Not sure why you're worried about your family opening it, that bit is odd.

NoSquirrels · 03/12/2020 17:25

@Lougle

I think you need to value the sentiments (presented nicely, sent way in advance) rather than the contents.
This is perfectly expressed.
Donotlikemyname · 03/12/2020 18:36

*I think you need to value the sentiments (presented nicely, sent way in advance) rather than the contents.

This is perfectly expressed*

You don't know what the gift is.
Would you feel the same way if your bf/ dh bought you a lovely vacuum cleaner for Christmas, perhaps a nice bottle of washing up liquid too, all nicely wrapped and in good time for Christmas ?

majesticallyawkward · 03/12/2020 18:56

Dammit, smile not smoke @Twillow 😂 unless that's their thing of course 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Twillow · 03/12/2020 18:58

@Bluntness100

This is very discomfiting. To judge how much someone loves or likes you based on how much they spend on you. And not your overall relationship. And for your family to decide how they view them based on how much they are willing to spend.

It’s just so shallow, sad and materialistic. But mainly sad.

Some people have really understood but other are'nt quite getting it! It's not about how much they spent. My husband wouldn't care but our kids are of an age where they would recognise shitty presents that are essentially valueless to us, however nicely they were presented. It's not like the giver doesn't know us from Adam.

But I'm going to accept that this relative has no ill intentions, is otherwise lovely and just not brilliant at gifting and present (geddit?) it that way to my family. Fingers crossed!

Thanks everyone for your input x

OP posts:
GreyishDays · 03/12/2020 19:02

Ooh Nosquirrels might have it. Maybe they couldn’t or didn’t want to go to shops?

Original poster
Twillow · 03/12/2020 19:02

@Donotlikemyname

*I think you need to value the sentiments (presented nicely, sent way in advance) rather than the contents.

This is perfectly expressed*

You don't know what the gift is.
Would you feel the same way if your bf/ dh bought you a lovely vacuum cleaner for Christmas, perhaps a nice bottle of washing up liquid too, all nicely wrapped and in good time for Christmas ?

You haven't read that I DO know what is inside the box, as it wasn't sealed! Also, regardless if it was a gold-plated vacuum cleaner, my partner would be getting VERY short thrift indeed if he got me that, or saucepans, etc, for Christmas! Some people might be happy, of course, but gifting is all about the thought of would make each individual person feel special.
OP posts:
Donotlikemyname · 03/12/2020 19:07

The point wasn’t addressed to you, but the two posters and countless others that are telling you to appreciate the thought, irrespective of what it is. I am aware from your post that you know what it is.

Lila653 · 03/12/2020 19:33

I am so intrigued as to what this is!!

Is it just that it’s not ‘your taste’ or useful to you, or is it actually:
broken (so ridiculous!)
or overtly offensive in some way
or something one wouldn’t usually give as a present e.g roll of toilet paper?

The latter three I can see why you’d be uncomfortable. The first, surely just accept it gratefully and donate to charity after Christmas?

I can’t for the life of me think what it could be!

LawnFever · 03/12/2020 21:44

Some people have really understood but other are'nt quite getting it! It's not about how much they spent. My husband wouldn't care but our kids are of an age where they would recognise shitty presents that are essentially valueless to us, however nicely they were presented. It's not like the giver doesn't know us from Adam

I honestly can’t understand how you can’t see that your kids viewing something as a ‘shitty present’ isn’t a rude and materialistic way of looking at a gift that someone’s gone to the trouble of sending you, it’s the principle you should be teaching them here which seems to be going right over your head

LolaSmiles · 03/12/2020 22:36

I honestly can’t understand how you can’t see that your kids viewing something as a ‘shitty present’ isn’t a rude and materialistic way of looking at a gift that someone’s gone to the trouble of sending you, it’s the principle you should be teaching them here which seems to be going right over your head

Is it rude and materialistic to correctly identify situations where the gift giver hasn't thought about the person they're giving to?

One of my friends is teetotal and yet one year her MIL decided that wine was the birthday gift. Was my friend materialistic for thinking that MIL my as well have no bothered than passed a bottle of alcohol to someone who doesn't drink?

Sometimes a present that has no thought is worse than not getting anything.

I would expect my nearest and dearest to know me well enough to make a reasonable decision about what I would like. If DH bought me a makeup kit or fake tan or a spa day then my feelings would be hurt because I dont enjoy any of those things.

Brockaslass · 04/12/2020 18:07

I'd say give the gift to someone who will appreciate it and admit your too self centred for recognising what Christmas and gifting is all about. Salary has nothing to do with it. My neighbour earns three times as much as me but doesn't manage money as well and Christmas is often tight for him. He always gifts us a box of biscuits from B&M doesn't mean he doesnt care. His salary goes on trying to keep his famiky home where he grew up, and his expensive to run car that his dad drove before he died. They mean so much to him he can't let them go. Salary isn't everything and how you manage yours could be totally diff rent from ithers. Lots of people have debt beyond their means. We still gift him a small hamper because I enjoy making them and Christmas is not about who can spend the most. As for saying it implys they can't be bothered to make the effort that's ridicolous why would they even bother if they couldn't be bothered to make the effort. Why goto Poundland even if they don't think much of you then maybe they could just move on. They could certainly have better friends. If it bothers you so much I suggest you stick to friends who can shower you in all the meaningless gifts you want and forget those who are clearly trying but obviously can't provide what you want.

MollyMinniesMum · 04/12/2020 18:20

It’s been a very hard year maybe be a bit kinder and more Grateful?

FelicisNox · 04/12/2020 18:22

OMG, the sanctimonious faux indignation from posters on this thread is totally hypocritical and downright rubbish: if someone in your family who you thought highly of and is on a decent wage gave you a poundshop offering/broken gift you would NOT be inpressed so kindly eff off pretending #itsthethoughtthstcounts and it's #thespiritofchristmas and you're all #soblessed.

Like hell you would all be fine with it you filthy bunch of liars. 🤣

@Twillow you're absolutely right, if someone doesn't even like you enough to give you a half decent gift once a year then they clearly don't think much at all and it's really quite hurtful.

It's different if that person is hard up or on a tiny budget but even then a box of maltesers for a quid is preferable to tat.

I would keep it and regift it to them next year and maybe then they will get the message, just open it and keep your family in the loop.

If you're not brave enough to do the above just buy them similar gifts, it will have the same effect.

combatbarbie · 04/12/2020 18:53

Just tell us what it is.... You may get better responses 🙄

bemusedmoose · 04/12/2020 18:53

So what happens when these people ask your family about the gift!? You can't just substitute it for something you consider better. Maybe these people have zero cash right now and have give what they can. You are being really spoilt. Just give the gift. After all - if it was wrapped up and you didn't know what it was, you would have given it and all found out together - like you should with a family gift.

Nearly47 · 04/12/2020 19:02

I know exactly what you mean OP. I worked out a relative didn't much care for me when they gave socks for Christmas.

Nearly47 · 04/12/2020 19:04

Just to clarify. Not lovely fluffy winter socks. Just socks. It shocked me. Grin

Justbrutallyhonest · 04/12/2020 20:27

How can it be housing??? We don’t know who the F you are or who the F your family is? Give proper details of the gift or shut the F up