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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be embarrassed to pass on a gift to my family?

139 replies

Twillow · 03/12/2020 13:04

Prepares self to be shot down in flames...

I have received an xmas gift for my whole family from a relative. What's embarassing about it is that it is sooo cheap - think poundshop and damaged/regifted items!
There is a bit of history about gift-giving which I won't go into.
I love these people very much and they are close members of my small and dwindling family.
Maybe they really don't like me as much as I like them, I don't know.
But I just think my own family is going to laugh when they open it. I don't want them to dislike these people! AIBU to buy something else and keep schtum?

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/12/2020 13:36

Your family would be that shallow that they wouldn't like someone who gave them a shitty gift, even although the gift giver was a much loved part of the family? Eh?

RaspberryCoulis · 03/12/2020 13:38

Just hand it over and say "this is from Auntie Agatha" or whatever. Let them draw their own conclusions.

NovemberR · 03/12/2020 13:38

Give it to the family and smile at the thought that this relative gave you something really peculiar.

As a teen the pubs were closed on Christmas Day - but my mates and I used to meet Boxing Day evening and you had to wear all the utter shit relatives had given you. I won most years! I had dreadful handknitted things from my Gran - sort of cowpat coloured jumpers with one arm longer than the other etc. I think her eyesight was going, but I was still very fond of her and touched that she'd make me something (despite my ooh Gran...don't be making stuff for me, it's far too much trouble for you)

When married DHs peculiar aunty and uncle once gave us a Christmas present in a cardboard box that contained (we were early 20s...) :-

  • a cracked 'Congratulations on your Ruby Anniversary plate
  • 2 packs (approx 100) cardboard beermat coasters from a pub
  • a photo album from the 1970s that was faded and yellow and actually had a few old snaps of them left in it

I can't remember the rest of the stuff, but I was utterly fascinated and wondered if they'd got the wrong box or were just chucking out their crap. We'd just got married and bought a house and perhaps they thought it would be useful to us.

Original poster
Twillow · 03/12/2020 13:38

@TheyPavedParadise

No, I like them very much indeed, we get on great in person though we don't live near each other.

I just had this fear that they don't really like me or my family much in truth when I saw this gift.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 03/12/2020 13:40

I understand where you're coming from. I have a relative that gives some bizarre gifts where they've clearly thought 'I like this so I'll give it to Lola / other family member'.

Eg. Relative likes twee signs for the house such as 'garden' / 'kitchen' / 'bathe' and so we got one even though it's totally not our taste at all. Part of me is a little frustrated by the lack of thought, but over time I've come to realise their lack of thought is not a reflection on me.

WillingWarlock · 03/12/2020 13:40

This exact situation happened in our family year after year. Part of my mum's extended family used to buy her children (me and siblings) presents until way into our 30s (we never saw these relatives) and they were always bizarre, Pound-shop type items, damaged/ regifted, came free with something else or clearly nicked from a hotel. We used to beg mum to tell them to stop, it was so embarrassing. It was like they felt like they had to buy us presents - for absolutely no reason - and begrudged it . But they didn't have to!

ancientgran · 03/12/2020 13:41

I understand how you feel, it isn't that it isn't something you want or isn't expensive it is the slap in the face that hurts. I had it with a Secret Santa at work one year. We all had a budget of £10, some people got a nice bottle of wine or their favourite chocolates or something like that but I got something that was a joke item, I felt humiliated as people opened their gifts and had something nice and then I opened mine and everyone laughed. I threw it in the bin and never did Secret Santa again. I know it sounds a bit childish but it did feem humiliating and I don't think a present is supposed to do that.

Original poster
Twillow · 03/12/2020 13:43

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Your family would be that shallow that they wouldn't like someone who gave them a shitty gift, even although the gift giver was a much loved part of the family? Eh?
I know what you're saying, but this is really not like a dotty old aunt's gift. Think more like wrapping the items you had from a lucky dip and didn't want!
OP posts:
Bonsai49 · 03/12/2020 13:45

I don’t understand the criticism your getting here at all OP ... I don’t think you’re being ungrateful or materialistic at all . I understand the feeling of hurt and the fear that your family will also hurt.

I think though you just need to accept the giver is a bit peculiar like this and shrug shoulders and move on - encouraging your family to do the same

Original poster
Twillow · 03/12/2020 13:46

@ancientgran

I understand how you feel, it isn't that it isn't something you want or isn't expensive it is the slap in the face that hurts. I had it with a Secret Santa at work one year. We all had a budget of £10, some people got a nice bottle of wine or their favourite chocolates or something like that but I got something that was a joke item, I felt humiliated as people opened their gifts and had something nice and then I opened mine and everyone laughed. I threw it in the bin and never did Secret Santa again. I know it sounds a bit childish but it did feem humiliating and I don't think a present is supposed to do that.
Yes, humiliating is the right word - thank you!
OP posts:
GreyishDays · 03/12/2020 13:47

What really the ages of the people who will be receiving it?

Will the relative know that it wasn’t received?
We’ve had dreadful gifts, some I’ve not given out as they would upset a child (complicated to explain), some DH have gently rolled our eyes at and given out as they weren’t to our taste but were meant well and the children kind of liked them.

It’s hard to advise without knowing the specifics, but I can see you can’t go into those.

GreyishDays · 03/12/2020 13:47

*What are the ages, roughly?

OneToThree · 03/12/2020 13:48

Why make an issue when there isn’t one? Open the present, have a chuckle about it, say thank you.

sleepyhead · 03/12/2020 13:51

Is it scented drawer liners?

Me and my cousin always got crazy presents (like scented drawer liners) from my aunt. We loved it - was a big gutted when she stopped sending odd market/pound shop finds and just went for a tub of Quality Street instead (not that I'd ever turn down the QS).

Original poster
Twillow · 03/12/2020 13:52

@GreyishDays

What really the ages of the people who will be receiving it?

Will the relative know that it wasn’t received?
We’ve had dreadful gifts, some I’ve not given out as they would upset a child (complicated to explain), some DH have gently rolled our eyes at and given out as they weren’t to our taste but were meant well and the children kind of liked them.

It’s hard to advise without knowing the specifics, but I can see you can’t go into those.

I don't think the relative would know if it wasn't received. The people receiving are old enough to recognise the sources and value if you kwim. So while I do feel a bit hurt it's that I want my family to have a good relationship with the other relatives and I'm afraid that this gift is not giving out the same message Hmm

I would obviously send a thank you, the specifics of the content wouldn't need to be mentioned!

OP posts:
helloxhristmas · 03/12/2020 13:53

Why would you get involved, let them open it, draw their own conclusions, end of.

Original poster
Twillow · 03/12/2020 13:53

@sleepyhead

Is it scented drawer liners?

Me and my cousin always got crazy presents (like scented drawer liners) from my aunt. We loved it - was a big gutted when she stopped sending odd market/pound shop finds and just went for a tub of Quality Street instead (not that I'd ever turn down the QS).

I could use scented drawer liners!
OP posts:
TheyPavedParadise · 03/12/2020 13:54

Is this one of those ‘love languages’ type things? I can see that if gifts are something that makes you feel loved, then this could be an issue?
I just personally can’t imagine being humiliated by a gift, unless it was something like a razor for my facial hair, for example. Some people are really shit at giving gifts, they just are.
If you think she’s done it personally to make you feel rubbish, then that’s a different issue really.

Original poster
Twillow · 03/12/2020 13:55

@OneToThree

Why make an issue when there isn’t one? Open the present, have a chuckle about it, say thank you.
There'll be no chuckle. Just a sort of Shock Sad
OP posts:
sleepyhead · 03/12/2020 13:55

Was there not someone on here who got a ball of string from their MIL one year? Again, I guess there are uses for it.

LagneyandCasey · 03/12/2020 13:57

Is it a 2020 calendar? Grin

Original poster
Twillow · 03/12/2020 13:59

@TheyPavedParadise

Is this one of those ‘love languages’ type things? I can see that if gifts are something that makes you feel loved, then this could be an issue? I just personally can’t imagine being humiliated by a gift, unless it was something like a razor for my facial hair, for example. Some people are really shit at giving gifts, they just are. If you think she’s done it personally to make you feel rubbish, then that’s a different issue really.
My mum used to give my brother deodorant, every year, not to anyone else, to the point where it became a much-loved family joke. I think she'd got in in her head one year that he liked a particular brand and it got stuck!

The gift is beautifully presented - I suppose that's why I feel it might actually be a bit passive-aggressive! I suppose I won't know without asking this relative but is that a conversation one can really have?

OP posts:
Quaagars · 03/12/2020 14:00

How do you know what the gift is?

You sound very materialistic and ungrateful OP - I was always taught to thank people for a gift, any gift at all - this is a great opportunity to teach your kids that it’s the thought the counts no matter what the gift is and to be thankful that someone’s given something no matter what it is

This, and same.
Always been taught myself to thank for a gift, it's the thought that counts etc and have done so to my kids as well.
I'd be more ashamed of my family if they laughed or looked down on a present or deemed it from the wrong "type" of shop than anything else to be honest!

notanothertakeaway · 03/12/2020 14:00

@ancientgran

I understand how you feel, it isn't that it isn't something you want or isn't expensive it is the slap in the face that hurts. I had it with a Secret Santa at work one year. We all had a budget of £10, some people got a nice bottle of wine or their favourite chocolates or something like that but I got something that was a joke item, I felt humiliated as people opened their gifts and had something nice and then I opened mine and everyone laughed. I threw it in the bin and never did Secret Santa again. I know it sounds a bit childish but it did feem humiliating and I don't think a present is supposed to do that.
@ancientgran I'm sorry you felt humiliated by your SS gift. Most likely, it was someone trying to be humorous, not a reflection on you
fluffiphlox · 03/12/2020 14:00

This is all so enigmatic.