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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be embarrassed to pass on a gift to my family?

139 replies

Twillow · 03/12/2020 13:04

Prepares self to be shot down in flames...

I have received an xmas gift for my whole family from a relative. What's embarassing about it is that it is sooo cheap - think poundshop and damaged/regifted items!
There is a bit of history about gift-giving which I won't go into.
I love these people very much and they are close members of my small and dwindling family.
Maybe they really don't like me as much as I like them, I don't know.
But I just think my own family is going to laugh when they open it. I don't want them to dislike these people! AIBU to buy something else and keep schtum?

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 03/12/2020 14:36

You say you love them very much.

Do you have any reason to think they feel differently about you from their behaviour towards you over time or is this feeling based solely on these gifts? Crap gifts = don't like me?

If you have never had reason to think they don't like you, and you love them (which must mean they are nice because otherwise why would you love them so much?) then you really have to ask yourself why they would choose to send you some sort of unkind message giving gift. Is that the type of person you think they are?

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/12/2020 14:41

They’re a relative you get on well with; they’ve gone to the trouble (and expense) of posting something, and they’ve done so miles ahead of Christmas. I think all those things together indicate that they’ve genuinely thought about this present. Agree with others, bring it out at Christmas with “well, lovely Auntie Mavis sent us all this, I’ve no idea what she was thinking really - but it arrived weeks ago so she was keen!” and have a fond chuckle about Auntie Mavis thinking you need a new spice rack and a home wiring kit for a plug or whatever.

ImPrincessAurora · 03/12/2020 14:56

One of my relatives once asked for a designer product that cost £30. I bought it for them. I asked for a nice surprise in exchange. They bought me a shampoo and conditioner gift set and made a big deal about what a luxury brand it was. A couple of weeks later I saw it on sale at the pound shop.
YANBU OP.

AlwaysBehindTheCurve · 03/12/2020 14:57

@ImPrincessAurora

One of my relatives once asked for a designer product that cost £30. I bought it for them. I asked for a nice surprise in exchange. They bought me a shampoo and conditioner gift set and made a big deal about what a luxury brand it was. A couple of weeks later I saw it on sale at the pound shop. YANBU OP.
There’s nothing to say that in this case the relative has asked for an expensive item in return though. Your relative is just a cheeky fucker.
LawnFever · 03/12/2020 14:57

@ComtesseDeSpair

They’re a relative you get on well with; they’ve gone to the trouble (and expense) of posting something, and they’ve done so miles ahead of Christmas. I think all those things together indicate that they’ve genuinely thought about this present. Agree with others, bring it out at Christmas with “well, lovely Auntie Mavis sent us all this, I’ve no idea what she was thinking really - but it arrived weeks ago so she was keen!” and have a fond chuckle about Auntie Mavis thinking you need a new spice rack and a home wiring kit for a plug or whatever.
Yes exactly! And if the kids pull a face or comment about ‘what on Earth’s she bought us this nonsense for??’ you say, well it was very kind of her to send a present and think of us so we just say thank you for presents because that’s the polite thing to do with a gift
goldielockdown2 · 03/12/2020 15:07

It really does depend on what it is. Is it really something insulting verging on inappropriate? Otherwise just do a knowing smile at each other and shrug as you hand it over.

couchparsnip · 03/12/2020 15:08

I don't think you're being materialistic. If someone puts no thought into a gift then YANBU to feel a little miffed.

SweetPetrichor · 03/12/2020 15:20

If I knew I was passing on a naff gift to someone I cared about, I’d warn them. My gran used to wrap up the free calendar from a magazine to give to my partner. Fortunately he didn’t have to open it around her so I’d just pass on his thanks and then tell him it wasn’t personal...she was just being an old person. He didn’t mind. She didn’t need to get him a gift in the first place so he did t care if it was just a freebie calendar that went straight in the bin...it became a bit of a running joke each year!

It’s shit to get a lazy gift though. For a work secret Santa, at a place with a small team of around 8 individuals who I’d worked with for years, I received car shampoo and a car sponge wrapped up with the Tesco bag still around them...them in the bag and then the whole bundle wrapped. Honestly, I cried cause I felt so awkward going in with no idea who gave me that and why. It wasn’t a joke gift...if I’d had a dirty car, it’s have been funny and practical but I didn’t have a car at the time! And they knew that cause it was a rural location where I had to get dropped off and picked up. Thing is, I kept them...and when I got a car a few years later, I made use of the shampoo! I was very tempted to throw it straight in the bin, but if I’m going to be scorned, I’m at least going to make the best use of it I can!

Pinkcadillac · 03/12/2020 15:24

Could you make sure you are the one to open it, do it when everyone is distracted opening their presents, and quickly hide it? After all if it is a present for the whole family, it is for you as well so you are allowed to open it.

BoudiccaD · 03/12/2020 15:32

Your children must be incredibly badly brought up if they would react so badly to a shit present. Maybe work on their appreciation and gratefulness instead of asking mumsnet what to do.

Fairyflaps · 03/12/2020 15:33

When we were children, our uncle gave us a big family Christmas present when he came up to visit in the autumn. It was wrapped up and he told us it was fragile and to keep it in a safe place and be very careful when handling it. It really was quite big so we were quite excited.

Come Christmas, we get it from where it has been stored and open it to find a crate of apples, not in a very appetising condition. To say we were disappointed was an understatement. My uncle had picked them off the ground from his own orchard. A few were still fit for cooking.

We had a competition as to who could write the best thank you letter, and the winner won the family present from another uncle.

SlightDrizzle · 03/12/2020 15:36

Is it that this person is a relative who sent a dreadful gift for your children, and you're worried that the children are going to think this person is awful as a result, and you want the kids to like Auntie X?

Otherwise I'm struggling to see why you feel so responsible for the whole situation...?

wink1970 · 03/12/2020 15:39

This reminds me of the Lampoon Christmas bit where the aunt wraps up her jelly mold, and cat, and re-gifts them!

It's not a used jelly mold is it?

Melroses · 03/12/2020 15:58

I think you are taking far too much responsibility for someone else's crap present.

It is not your fault. Hand it on and laugh.

Pumpertrumper · 03/12/2020 16:02

I’m all for ‘it’s the thought that counts’ but I think there is a real limit at which people shouldn’t have bothered.

For example;

A- Same poor family member bought us £1-£2 gifts every year- we adore them! Always something they know we like, sweets, bubble bath...etc. We are super grateful.

B- Middle earning, no kids, family member used to forget us/not bother 2-3 years then randomly send my brother and I a £1 small tube of sweets (we didn’t like) or tiny 0.87p mini selection box ‘to share!’ Even as kids/teens we thought it was ludicrously cheap/shitty and obviously had no thought whatsoever involved. It was insulting I’d rather they not bothered.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ DOES NOT MEAN ‘any attempt at a gift should be met with endless gratitude’

MustardMitt · 03/12/2020 16:09

@Quaagars

How do you know what the gift is?

You sound very materialistic and ungrateful OP - I was always taught to thank people for a gift, any gift at all - this is a great opportunity to teach your kids that it’s the thought the counts no matter what the gift is and to be thankful that someone’s given something no matter what it is

This, and same.
Always been taught myself to thank for a gift, it's the thought that counts etc and have done so to my kids as well.
I'd be more ashamed of my family if they laughed or looked down on a present or deemed it from the wrong "type" of shop than anything else to be honest!

OP has not said she won’t say thank you, so your point is invalid.

You’re obviously not a person that has received an unwrapped half used drier up nail polish as a gift while your brother gets a £20 note. It’s upsetting to feel that your relative would rather give you crap that was destined for the bin than get a cheap card or even nothing at all!

In this circumstance I would just regift or throw away rather than give it to whoever it’s for. I don’t have this anymore though as I don’t visit this relative any more. In my case it’s not just gifts.

Ringsender2 · 03/12/2020 16:20

I had an older second cousin who, when I was a child - less than 10 - would gift teatowels & dusters to me. He was very eccentric though! I guess he was not very good at thinking about what other people might like, but wanted it to be useful. I used to dutifully write my thank you letters too!

Bluntness100 · 03/12/2020 16:25

This is very discomfiting. To judge how much someone loves or likes you based on how much they spend on you. And not your overall relationship. And for your family to decide how they view them based on how much they are willing to spend.

It’s just so shallow, sad and materialistic. But mainly sad.

LawnFever · 03/12/2020 16:26

You’re obviously not a person that has received an unwrapped half used drier up nail polish as a gift while your brother gets a £20 note. It’s upsetting to feel that your relative would rather give you crap that was destined for the bin than get a cheap card or even nothing at all!

The OP has never said everyone else gets amazing gifts apart from her family so your point is invalid

LawnFever · 03/12/2020 16:30

@BoudiccaD

Your children must be incredibly badly brought up if they would react so badly to a shit present. Maybe work on their appreciation and gratefulness instead of asking mumsnet what to do.
Exactly, it’s actually quite shocking how many people aren’t seeing this perspective
Guineapigbridge · 03/12/2020 16:38

Angst about gifts is wifework. Anything that is driven by fear obligation and guilt is best avoided in favour of stuff you actually want to do. Present buying and receiving falls into that category for me. As an adult, I'm just not that into it.

(As for the car shampoo, the most likely explanation is that they forgot about secret Santa and had to dig something out of their own car at the last minute and wrap it with whatever was available at the time. A secret Santa gift is no reflection on you as a person and to make it so is a bit dysfunctional).

GreyishDays · 03/12/2020 16:39

@Bluntness100

This is very discomfiting. To judge how much someone loves or likes you based on how much they spend on you. And not your overall relationship. And for your family to decide how they view them based on how much they are willing to spend.

It’s just so shallow, sad and materialistic. But mainly sad.

It’s not about the amount spent, it’s the thoughtlessness, is how I’m reading it.
wishywashywoowoo70 · 03/12/2020 16:40

I got a secret Santa in work once. Budget £10 it was a very dusty gift set which was years out of date. Not amused.

Stopped doing it after that she suggesting donating to charity instead. The gift didn't even make it back to my desk. Straight in the bin

Quaagars · 03/12/2020 16:42

OP has not said she won’t say thank you, so your point is invalid
OP herself said though that it's from a cheap shop (so what if it is?) and also worried that her family might laugh at it and dislike the people for sending it
I just think my own family is going to laugh when they open it. I don't want them to dislike these people!
Doesn't sound like people who would try to be grateful and fake a thanks even if thinking WTF, and I'd be judging my family more if they were laughing and disliking people on the basis of what presents they were sent tbh!

damnthatanxiety · 03/12/2020 16:48

People are being intentionally obtuse. OP you have been very clear. You care about all people concerned. I don't know why some people give such dumb gifts. The complete lack of thought is weird and can be hurtful. If they are nice people and not intentionally trying to send a mean message then they are likely to be either completely clueless or overwhelmed and panicked about gift giving. No advice here. I'm not sure why your family can't have a chuckle over it. Is the giver nice? Passive agressive? Do they usually give a gift at Xmas? Is it usually normal but odd this year or is it always odd?