To think that twins with two adults at home ft isn't harder than one baby with one adult

[sunnydayin]

My sister had twins this year and her dh has been furloughed since March. His family help them a lot financially so they're ok in that respect.

Sister is always telling me how much worse she has it because there's two of them than when my dc was born.
I can't see it though. Maybe I'm being ridiculous but it's beginning to annoy

me. I wouldn't say anything to her but internally I'm thinking how is it harder than two non twin babies with two adults to care for them? Her dh is on hand all the time too. They're 5 months now and they don't go anywhere on a car they walk everywhere. Maybe I'm missing something.

I'm sure it is hard. Babies are hard, one or two. It's not a competition though is it. She probably thinks you coped really well and is trying to make herself feel better about how tricky she's finding it.

Absolutely depends on the babies involved.

Well, from what I've observed (not having twins myself), but both babies tend to kick off at the same time, and both babies seem to want the same person and the same thing. Particularly if they're breastfed.

Are you a single parent or do you have a partner? If you have a partner then they presumably help with the baby, even if it's just evenings and weekends.

It's probably harder to leave twins with grandparents who may not be able to manage two babies.

It's probably harder for the mum too if she's breastfeeding and a twin pregnancy may have been harder on her body.

I don't have twins, but Know a few who do. I think it's because it's two at once who are the same age and it's all so new to her.

Yes having two small ones is hard, but they are at different stages and the mum already had practice of looking after a baby before no.2 came along. Two can often have naps at the same time (admittedly not all) and twins can be famous for not napping at the same time so they get some along time with mum.

She's gone from nothing to twins, rather than it being gradual. Hubby at home might help for some, but not all, and also as others have said all babies are different

Were you a single parent?
Regardless - there are practical complications to twins which you don't have with a singleton (I have both kinds). It does depend to some extent on the baby, but twins are harder in quite a lot of ways regardless.
Even though her DH is at home presumably he is also working so it's not a 1 adult to 1 baby ratio all the time.
But it's not a competition.

I'm a twin mum. How old are her twins?

The first year is ridiculously hard, two parents or one. They cry at the same time. Need feeding at the same time. Wake twice as much at night. You have to hear crying constantly.

It's not a competition but don't underestimate the grind for twin parents. It's a whole other ball game.

I did not cope at all and have been quite upfront about it. Obviously I don't say anything now sister has babies of her own but she mentions it everytime and it's because my mum said she's tired from keep going around there to help so I wondered if I'm missing something.
She's formula feeding and dh does everything that she does ie happy changing feeding/night feeds. Which is nice. The babies sleep and wake at the same time according to my mum but she could be biased because she wants to get out of looking after them so I don't know. But sister also tells me 'but twins' every time I say they're nice and it's good they don't have any problems like colic etc.
Her dh is not working. But this is helping to understand!

Depends on her DH, mine is great with my 2nd child but he was clueless with the first and I found things easier when he wasn’t home. Maybe she feels like she has 3 dc needing her!

It's also a lot harder to get out. Managing double prams in tight spaces. Getting two babies in the car, out the car, a huge bag with enough for two babies.

Then there's the lack of childcare. Double costs of nursery make it impossible for many and I never felt I could leave them with family (and no one offered).

It's really hard.

Twins to me sounds like the ultimate hell, even if another person there a parent, particularly a mother can’t switch her brain off one child whilst coping with another. Double the exhaustion imo

When we had dd2 it felt a lot harder than just having one because it was relentless. Yes technically speaking you are not outnumbered but realistically one baby will sleep and you get a bit of a break but two babies are unlikely to be perfectly in sync. Although I don't have twins I imagine it has that relentless aspect that took us by surprise when dd2 arrived.

Hmmmm, I beg to differ. More noise, more demands, not napping at the same time, one crying then stopping and the other one starts. It's very very tough having 2 small babies, even with 2 adults around. If you have one then you do get an easier ride, even when theres only one adult. You get a break at nap time for a start.

It depends on the baby / babies surely. My first child cried all day and all night for 6 months rarely sleeping for longer than 40 mins at a time whereas my second child slept most of the day and most of the night as a young baby and as an older baby he sat happily in a bouncy chair for anything up to an hour. I could have had triplets of my second child and it would have been far easier than one my first child.

Everyone manages and copes differently. Maybe she needs to vent and let it out.

Doesn't really compare

I've been a single mum since birth of my DS and I think I have it easier than most of my friends with partners. It's depends how you manage

Are they doing always having a twin each rather than one person looking after both so the other gets a proper break??

I had twins - it was fucking hard and at 5 months I was drowning. I'm in no doubt some people with a single child had it harder - but who gives a shiny shit? We only feel our own pain. Competitive misery is a bore. Allow your sister to vent and be supportive - it's not all about you now, having two new babies and not having a clue how to look after them is a lot to deal with - try being just a bit patient and supportive.

every time I say they're nice and it's good they don't have any problems like colic etc.

There may be part of the issue, you may be saying that it’s good that they don’t have comic and meaning it in a nice way but she may be hearing it as “it’s easy for you as they don’t have colic.”

Maybe not, but it’s a possibility,

I had twins when DC1 was 1 so we had 3 DC under 2. It was chaos. When you’re exhausted and struggling, a - albeit well-intended - remark like ‘at least they don’t have colic’ could feel a bit dismissive. Sometimes it’s nice to hear ‘it must be really hard but you’re nailing it.’

Parenting is challenging isn’t it, one, two, three or more babies, we all need a friendly word of encouragement and affirmation every now and then..

Two is more than twice the work.

I was told that so many times by older parents when I had my first as a kind of warning not to rush into baby 2.

Mine were 18months apart(not planned that way). And it was bloody hard. I can't even begin to imagine how hard two at once is.

@Anniemabel that basically how my dc was. So when I see these wonderful twins who are docile and no colic no problems (mine has allergies, colic reflux and was generally a nightmare) and I was on my own so I'm not sure how this is harder in the way sister says it is. But I don't know.
I didn't have childcare and still don't. Mum is helping as it's twins but she also works ft and doesn't want to keep up helping so much as she thinks as dh is home ft they should be ok too but maybe we're both wrong.

Unlike PP most twins I know have been on separate schedules. Sleep at different times, feed at different times. Therefore you have less sleep. But a relative had 3 under 3 including twins and ran a business with 20 staff full time (only took minimal maternity leave) and a husband working away during the week (only back at weekends) so it's doable.

Some people find one baby much harder than others do. No doubt there are some who managed fine with twins, whilst plenty who have single babies really struggle.
It is irrelevant really. Don't compare, just support each other as needed at the time. Who cares if they go out in the car anyway?

@TLIMSISNW maybe you're right, sister also said she gave the health visitor a good telling off because the HV mentioned breastfeeding when they were born but because it's twins she said she couldn't try it as it's impossible. So it isn't just me but perhaps it's because she's offended when we don't mean it in a mean way.

Just twice the noise, twice the needs. Regardless of how many adults are there, two babies is twice the work. One baby is relatively easy if there are no underlying issues.

I think you're being a little disingenuous and wide eyed with your pretence of 'missing something'. It reads very much like you're actually just a bit 🙄 of your sister.

My experience is limited but I had twins with both me and dh at home for the first year then I went back to work and he stayed at home.

I'll be honest, whilst not a walk in the park it was fine. But I had to bottle feed so we could split feeds and had one excellent sleeper and one good one. Neither were great nappers but both were naturally routine led (as is dh).

We accepted that to both get enough sleep we'd basically need to sleep in shifts - I'd go to bed early with babies and he'd stay up and deal with any noise then he'd come to bed late and I'd do the early rises. It wasn't for long and then it was over in one go.

No family support really. SIL would have em for half an hour or Bil and dh would take them to the park with nephews so I could have a bath.

So I agree with you based upon my specific experience BUT I had easy babies and a dh who was a fully equal parent.