To think that twins with two adults at home ft isn't harder than one baby with one adult

[sunnydayin]

My sister had twins this year and her dh has been furloughed since March. His family help them a lot financially so they're ok in that respect.

Sister is always telling me how much worse she has it because there's two of them than when my dc was born.
I can't see it though. Maybe I'm being ridiculous but it's beginning to annoy

me. I wouldn't say anything to her but internally I'm thinking how is it harder than two non twin babies with two adults to care for them? Her dh is on hand all the time too. They're 5 months now and they don't go anywhere on a car they walk everywhere. Maybe I'm missing something.

I think sometimes, people get too much help and it stops them finding a natural flow to it all. I think sometimes it helps when you know what you're doing with one baby before you have twins. My MIL was convinced I just wasn't seeing the natural routine my twins had fallen into, I invited her to find it - funnily enough she didn't.

All babies are different, situations and personalities vary - this is not news to anyone - if someone you love and care about, says they are finding it really hard with their baby/babies, maybe you should just believe them and try to support them, instead of entering in to competitive misery, one upmanship - seeking evidence on social media to support your need to appear to have it worse than anyone else.

Depends on the babies really as a PP said. If I had twins like my four month old it would be a walk in the park even if I was alone compared to one baby like my DD... She was relentless!

I can see how twins would be difficult, I always imagine one crying sets the other one off and it’s just constantly like that for months. Sounds like a nightmare.

I'm a twin mum. The feeding regime is hard but I found my first singleton harder than the twins. He had colic and needed a lot of support, cuddles etc. The girls were very content and soothed each other. As they get older they are playmates so you are a bit surplus to requirements. It is a completely different experience to a singleton and obviously each child's individuals needs will dictate how easy an experience it is.

@Orangeboots yes you are right, I was grateful that I had the twins second time round and not first.
You are also very right that it does depend on the babies.

I think in this case, the competitive misery is coming from both sides though and that the sister with twins needs to understand that just because she is finding it hard, it doesn't mean the OP didn't struggle too. I can also understand that it's hard for the OP to listen to it and not feel resentful when the sister is getting much more help than she did.
Motherhood is damn hard no matter what and no one should want to bring others down, however, it is easy to feel resentful when things are unfair.

@3 is my lot we have very similar situations. You have described my situation to a tee.

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes yes it sounds similar, I just found I had no choice and got on with things and the twins just kinda fitted in lol, with our eldest I spent hours trying to rock him to sleep and settle him etc and you are right about once they are a bit older, I could get so much done while they played together, whereas eldest always wanted my attention when he was a similar age

@Simplyunacceptable

Depends on the babies really as a PP said. If I had twins like my four month old it would be a walk in the park even if I was alone compared to one baby like my DD... She was relentless!

I can see how twins would be difficult, I always imagine one crying sets the other one off and it’s just constantly like that for months. Sounds like a nightmare.

It was hard when you were trying to feed one and the other started crying - hard not to tense up, hard to focus on one, hard to breast feed...so many people telling you babies shouldn't be left to cry but you have no choice when feeding, so you plop them into a rocker, sit in between them and hold the bottles - you lose all that intimacy, you feel so inadequate, you feel like your babies and you are missing out with one to one...you just feel that you are always giving them second best. Emotionally it's very draining.

@Orangeboots - My HV told me not to leave them to cry, as she watched me feeling one while the other one was sitting in a bouncer starting to cry..: didn’t really help! When they were both hungry at once I used to give one a little bit of milk to take the edge off, then the next one, then keep swapping. It was horrible

And I did the rocker thing too in the end, which she’d previously told me not to do. Could have done with a twin experienced health visitor really

The twins/two adults scenario honestly sounds easier other things being equal [i.e. assuming the babies are roughly as good sleepers etc], but things often arent' equal & as others have pointed out this isn't a competition, etc.

Of course it's harder! 2 babies is harder even if there is 2 adults. When it's one baby between one or 2 adults, you can get a little break, when the other one has it, or when it's sleeping, but when it's two baby's between two adults, both are stressed as it's x2 for everything! Even if one twin is ok another is playing up.

I think your just annoyed as she keeps comparing it to you and making out you've had it easy

@Robinelf

And I did the rocker thing too in the end, which she’d previously told me not to do. Could have done with a twin experienced health visitor really

My HV recommended Gina Ford to me with the words normally I wouldn't recommend it because demand feeding and sleeping are really best for baby but in your situation you have no choice - second best option for the twins then?

Two babies crying is worse than one baby crying, it doesn't matter how many adults you have in the house and they set each other off quite often.

I have twins and an older child with a 9 year gap. I often had comments about how hard it must have been but I found them easier in the early days.

They were prem and spent a few months in nicu and so were very routine driven by the time they came home. I used to say that I’d have found a baby and a toddler harder because at least mine slept at the same time etc.

They’re 14 now and a nightmare. But that’s their job as teenagers.

[quote Robinelf]@Orangeboots - My HV told me not to leave them to cry, as she watched me feeling one while the other one was sitting in a bouncer starting to cry..: didn’t really help! When they were both hungry at once I used to give one a little bit of milk to take the edge off, then the next one, then keep swapping. It was horrible [/quote]
Oh god I remember those days. Thank God they're old enough to hold their own bottle now.

I'd found having dc 1.5 years apart ridiculously difficult.
A newborn and a just started toddling toddler needing different things was horrendous.
Still needed the double pram/pushchair. Bottle feeds, nappy changes etc but one needing totally different 'care' and stimulation.

@Spied

I'd found having dc 1.5 years apart ridiculously difficult. A newborn and a just started toddling toddler needing different things was horrendous. Still needed the double pram/pushchair. Bottle feeds, nappy changes etc but one needing totally different 'care' and stimulation.

Thing is I don't think it's about one being hard and one not, it's just different and when every parents and baby is different"harder" isn't lateral. If you're willing to plonk a 1.5 year old in a chair strapped in, if they're quite chilled and happy with a drink, snack and Mr Tumble it's totally different to if you're doing full on attachment parenting of a clingy toddler whose reacted badly to having a new baby and have no telly.

We all, Inc op, just need to be kinder

There is no fruitful end to trying to compare people’s subjective experiences like this. Parenting is hard. Babies are hard. Twins are hard. Being in sole charge is hard. How well you ‘cope’ is as much to do with loads of other variables your health, baby’s health, your wealth, your family support as it is anything else.

When I reacted to someone saying something similar, I realised what it was actually about is that person not being kind/helpful to me when I really was struggling. So I had these knots of anger and resentment. Once I’d realised that, I realised this person just wants some support. Who had the harder time is neither here nor there. It’s whether I wanted to continue the friendship given how they had been before.

I have 4 kids. People always backtrack when there talking about how hard their day is and say they cant really complain. When I had 1 I found it difficult,2 was different difficult, 3 and 4 varied too! It's all hard, vent away if you're finding it tough, but none of this is a competition. And if she uses the words 'I have it harder than you' just tell her it's not a competition or ask her is she ok

Nah I'm only really impressed by people with 6+ kids these days