To think that twins with two adults at home ft isn't harder than one baby with one adult

[sunnydayin]

My sister had twins this year and her dh has been furloughed since March. His family help them a lot financially so they're ok in that respect.

Sister is always telling me how much worse she has it because there's two of them than when my dc was born.
I can't see it though. Maybe I'm being ridiculous but it's beginning to annoy

me. I wouldn't say anything to her but internally I'm thinking how is it harder than two non twin babies with two adults to care for them? Her dh is on hand all the time too. They're 5 months now and they don't go anywhere on a car they walk everywhere. Maybe I'm missing something.

I’ve got twins and a singleton.

Singleton was hard because first baby totally changes your life. But looking back now I find it hilarious that I ever thought I was tired, busy or skint when I had only one baby.

Twins was a total shock to the system. I didn’t sleep for more than 90 mins for 8 months. They were premature which brings a a whole world of worries. They rejected all solid food until 9 months (actual age). I had an older child as well.

The point I was trying to make is that both of us had to care for one baby alone while the other wasn’t at home and found it so much more straightforward than handling both together when we were both at home.

I do get quite annoyed when people think they understand what it’s like to have twins because they have two close together in age. It’s really nothing like that, not least because you had one first, figured out what the hell you were doing, and then chose to have another one. No way on earth would I have chosen to have two babies at the same time or close together in age if I’d had the choice. I know people with babies close together and it definitely has its own challenges but not the same ones.

We have a whole other situation now, as when my twins were 18 months old it became clear they had neurodevelopmental issues and they were both diagnosed with autism at 2. All of my friends with twins a similar age (4) are finding things starting to get easier now - the twins entertain each other, they no longer need buggies or nappy changes etc. Unfortunately that’s not the case for us and in many ways it’s like still having 1 year olds but with advanced gross motor skills. Bloody stressful, basically. But when they were babies it was just the sheer relentlessness of it all. We were just firefighting the entire time, it was just a period of time to get through and survive rather than enjoy, which is really sad looking back.

I love my boys more than my own life but I often feel slightly envious of those who have singletons. I would have loved to have one baby, focus on them, enjoy them and make an informed decision about a second. Twins came totally out of the blue and while I could never change things now, I do wish I’d had the experience of one at a time.

Well I think I've been insulted enough for one day. Thanks for the advice all.

I'm due twins in May next year and you all have put the fuckin fear into me hahaha
(already have DD who is 1)
I'm am prepared to never sleep again and write of the year 2021 😂😂😂😂

I think twins will always be harder

Oh blimey where do I start! I have 20 month old twins and honestly it felt like the first year I had PTSD and just blocked all memory of it 😂 it was so incredibly hard. My DH worked full time and still got up for every single night time feed. Literally the first 12 months are about survival.

You’d think it gets easier but it doesn’t, I feel more isolated now than I did when they were babies. I can’t go anywhere on my own with them as they’ll just run off in different directions, they constantly bicker over the same book/toy/beaker/seat, you name it they’ll fight over it. You worry you’re giving more attention to one than the other and then there’s the direct comparisons, that you’d never ever get with a singleton, for example TG1 walked at 12 months TW2 walked at 17 months, TG2 still only has 2 teeth at 20 months old, the worry is absolutely all consuming.

I’d be inclined to believe your sister is as tired as she says

I’d rather be a single parent of one than with a less than 100% FP and twins. However much a partner may help it’s unlikely they are taking 50% of childcare and wife work

I had a single child who didn't sleep followed by twins who did sleep so woke up about the same as DC1 in all.

My whole day was scheduled around getting them to bed on time so I could sleep. I have no idea how long it lasted 🤷🏻‍♀️

It was pretty intense at all stages but I did have the experience of having DC1. I remember 5 months being (the/one of the) most exhausting times as they were awake a lot but needed entertaining coz they couldn't do it themselves yet.

@rosegoldivy

I'm due twins in May next year and you all have put the fuckin fear into me hahaha (already have DD who is 1) I'm am prepared to never sleep again and write of the year 2021 😂😂😂😂

They are lovely too.

You have to channel your inner Mary Poppins

I have a 13 yr gap between 1 & 2 so when out little boy came along it was easy as 13 year old self sufficient enough.
He was always quite poorly when younger with bronchitis and lost of hospital trips but still in general pretty easy.
Then had another baby when he was 18 months and 100% harder with two for me! I
Feel like I've got twins now to be honest ! Lol
They 1 and 2.5yr and they are hard work! They sleep all night and happy, they don't really cry or whinge but still hard work!

Husband is gone by 5am every morning, I work 3 days a week too. So always very early starts.
2.5 yr old boy is total mummy's boy, very very jealous of my 1 year old girl abs wants my constant attention, can't leave them alone for a minute as he can be rough with her.
She has been walking since 10 months and now runs eveywhere/ climbs on everything!
The toddler will still have a couple of hours nap but the 1 year does not nap at all in day!!

Luckily my parents and in laws have them whilst I work but they do joke about how much hard work they are in that they are just constantly on the go, my mum swears the baby must walk miles everyday as she doesn't sit still for a minute.
Then I'm taxi to the nearly 16 year old in between!

But dh hasn't worked since they were born. If he was working I would understand prior to this thread if he was working it's harder but he's not.

You only know what you know, though, eh? So yes, if it had been a normal year and he’d gone back to the office your Dsis and her DH would have had a whole load of different circumstances to cope with. But they only know what it’s like to have these twins in 2020 (just like you only really know what it’s like to be a single parent to yours) and they’re finding it hard.

It’s not a competition. No one objectively ‘has it harder’ but if you try to see it that way you’ll miss what’s really going on - which is that your sister is struggling, she says so repeatedly and needs extra help from your mum, and rarely takes them out.

Be kind. Forget about you - how can you help her, if at all? Is it as simple as saying “Fucking he’ll you’re doing amazingly - I wouldn’t have coped.”?

Being the winner of who has it the worst isn't a competition I would want to win. If I was aiming for first place I'd seriously be looking at why I wanted that.

I have twins and unless you have had twins you are never going to understand how much harder they can be than one . Everything takes twice as long and by the time you have sorted 1 baby the other one starts up again. Its one non stop cycle, which is exhausting. You can't ever just sit and enjoy your baby as you are always conscious that the other baby is going to need your help shortly. Twins is easily 3 times the work of 1 baby.

Or how one would just be getting over a snotty cold and the other would start with it.

Oh don’t get me started - our twins started nursery two mornings a week when they were two. After visiting a few nurseries all four of us caught norovirus - that was the beginning of 8 months where one or more of us was sick literally all the time. As soon as one got better, someone else got sick, and round and round it went for 2/3 of a year. Absolutely awful.

Then chicken pox (how I wish I’d vaccinated them, but I had no idea how bad it could be) - one got it, finally recovered enough to go back to nursery after 14 days, DT2 started with it that day and ended up with a serious bacterial infection. We lost an entire bloody month to chicken pox.

I would have bitten a family member’s hand off to help us though - it would have made a huge difference but the constant noise and absence of sleep would have been the same, but maybe they’d have spent less time sitting in bouncers which I still feel terrible about now.

Huge respect to single parents dealing with one baby alone though. I also know a single mum of twins who were very premature and she is some kind of bloody superhero. It’s just not as simple as it behind equally difficult because there’s one parent per baby - two babies causes it’s own difficulties regardless.

I'm a twin mum. How old are her twins?

The first year is ridiculously hard, two parents or one. They cry at the same time. Need feeding at the same time. Wake twice as much at night. You have to hear crying constantly.

It's not a competition but don't underestimate the grind for twin parents. It's a whole other ball game.

I am also a twin mom and could not agree more.

I also think none of this is competitive and your sister is probably not in her right mind--sleep deprevation, stress, hormones. Telling her it is great her kids don't have colic is not going to help.

I breastfed, my then husband had a grueling work schedule (medical fellowship), and I lived away from family and did not have a car. I still don't know how I got through the first six months and in the back of my mind was this fear that I was screwing it all up. I went from no experience (and had twins because of fertility treatments) to ALL MY CHILDREN in one go. I felt maybe I had not been intended to be a mom because my body had no cooperated and I was missing whatever magic you needed to do it right. I was tired and scared which is an awful combination.

Try to step out of feeling annoyed that she has it easy from the outside (help from family). We are all lucky in different ways.

Just listen and reassure her that she is doing a good job and this phase will pass.

I think the first three years of having twins was quite difficult, but once they are in any kind of nursery program having twins is WONDERFUL. I am so grateful for the relative ease in planning, scheduling, and meeting the needs of both of my kids.

@sunnydayin

Well I think I've been insulted enough for one day. Thanks for the advice all.

You’ve been great, OP -the point of the thread was to find out what you didn’t know and couldn’t ask your sister and it’s done that. Don’t take any rude posts to heart, seriously.

Then there is the 2 Parent with one Parent being pretty useless 'model' - which, no matter how many babies are involved, results in more difficulty for the Parent (that isn't useless) than if there was only 1 Parent who got on with it unhindered by the negativity of the Useless Parent.

I believe the 2 Parent (1 Useless) Model is far more common an explanation than most of us would like to think.

[quote sunnydayin]@Orangeboots I didn't realise I was doing that. I did say I can see sense in a lot of the posts here ie the ones saying it isn't as simple as two adults and two babies[/quote]
Oh, OP, it’s not all that difficult to understand, is it?

One thing that had never occurred to me till a friend had twins who were difficult, fussy babies was that one seemed to settle far better for her DH, which meant she generally fed and settled the other baby much more — and then realised when her husband went back to work that she hadn’t bonded at all with one baby, and found trying to rectify that really difficult, on top of the day to day double baby care.

2 adults with 2 kids is actually easier but I think she's trying to tell you she's not coping with parenthood

@liveitwell

I'm a twin mum. How old are her twins?

The first year is ridiculously hard, two parents or one. They cry at the same time. Need feeding at the same time. Wake twice as much at night. You have to hear crying constantly.

It's not a competition but don't underestimate the grind for twin parents. It's a whole other ball game.

Ditto. I have never been so grindingly knackered than then. I had an almost two too and a dh who worked very long days. I’d imagine being stuck in lockdown with a furloughed dp would no be a bed of roses.

I've not had twins but I can only imagine how hard it is! I had one with hubby on hand and that was hard enough!

I would imagine twins are very hard work.

Twins are hard. My friend had them sort of on purpose (put 3 embryos in knowing she was likely to carry successfully as v young and no fertility issues). She is absolutely tough as boots and astounding levels of energy but it nearly finished her off. The worst thing was when they started fighting at about 8 months and are still at it a decade on. She had planned a big family but decided no more after the first year.

I have twins.

I can categorically say if she is struggling so much with five month olds, a husband and her mother to help, then she is going to drown when they are toddlers. At five months they can't even crawl, at least they stay in one place if you need to go for a shit!

My babies were very docile, happy babies, never had colic or anything - I remember being so worried when DH went back to work but honestly it was fine. Personally I think that your sister is acting totally smug as in 'no one has ever had it as hard as me, I have TWINS'. I've seen it many, many times before. People without twins often say stuff like that to me, it's like, sure it was hard, but I had no other children so I had nothing to compare it to! And it could have been harder.

Potty training twins and trying to take them out when they're toddling, buggy refusing, afternoon nappers was the worst.

My babies were very docile, happy babies, never had colic or anything

followed by...

People without twins often say stuff like that to me, it's like, sure it was hard, but I had no other children so I had nothing to compare it to! And it could have been harder.

🤦‍♀️