To think that twins with two adults at home ft isn't harder than one baby with one adult

[sunnydayin]

My sister had twins this year and her dh has been furloughed since March. His family help them a lot financially so they're ok in that respect.

Sister is always telling me how much worse she has it because there's two of them than when my dc was born.
I can't see it though. Maybe I'm being ridiculous but it's beginning to annoy

me. I wouldn't say anything to her but internally I'm thinking how is it harder than two non twin babies with two adults to care for them? Her dh is on hand all the time too. They're 5 months now and they don't go anywhere on a car they walk everywhere. Maybe I'm missing something.

@IndecentFeminist

Honestly, I would be hugely hurt if I were your sister and thought my mum was having this kind of conversation with you about me. If she doesn't want to help then she is well within her rights to say no. But to help while resenting it internally and then siding with you in rolling eyes is really not nice.

Agree with this, quite unkind of you both!

My twins are teens now but I still shudder at the relentless mess of those baby days.

We rarely went out as it was too hard. The big buggy, Car seats, waking each other, changing one then the other, feeding, gruelling opposite night time schedules.

Only parents of twins know what it's like, even having tow close together is not the same as two newborns at once.

Sounds like your sister needs all the help she can get. It's bloody exhausting.

That should say relentlessness - not mess - bloody predictive text!

I struggle to see how anyone can think that having two babies isn't any harder than one. Regardless of how many adults are involved. Surely no one is that stupid?

Maybe she does the vast majority of the care. Mothers often do!

I agree with you and your mum OP.
When you have two adults there are times when one can look after both the dc while the other gets on with things like laundry, making dinner or catching up on sleep.
That can't happen with a single mum of a singleton.
You could also say eg. dh will do dc1 all day and dw will do dc2 all day. (Swap for day 2). Voila - no difference at all to the single mum. And at least they get another adult to talk to.

So yes .... they have it a little bit easier. Although obviously many babies are far from easy.

Op, I know this might come across in the wrong way... but here goes... you sound quite young, are you?

It comes across that you have a lack of understanding which I wonder if it is just because you are a bit emotionally immature.

You clearly had a hard time and it doesn’t sound like you’ve got over it. I think you’re projecting a little. Just because she’s saying she finds it hard and having twins is hard etc, doesn’t negate your experience.

Err it's endless breastfeeding nappy change, crying, clothes change, x 2, repeat. Logistics of going out (1 person pushes buggy anyway) getting in and out of car - I used to have internal debates like, which is less likely to wake up, which stays in car seat while I move one to pavement or can I make it to the door to transfer to cot... Barely cooked or have a shower. I ended up eating microwave meals. Admittedly I was alone on mat leave desperate for DH to get home to give me a break. However if 2 adults are doing 1 twin each both dont get a break at all! If they take turns then 1 person (usually mum) still leads decisions about routines etc. One wakes the other and they have different needs eat and sleep different amounts omg it's just endless.

And yes I find their personalities change if other twin isnt around, they are soooo much nicer, calmer people! Put them together they scream and fight and play up and everything has to be goddamn fair to the tee.

A pp mentioned it's nothing like close age gaps, for me it's probably quite similar as I have boy girl twins

@MiddlesexGirl

I agree with you and your mum OP. When you have two adults there are times when one can look after both the dc while the other gets on with things like laundry, making dinner or catching up on sleep. That can't happen with a single mum of a singleton. You could also say eg. dh will do dc1 all day and dw will do dc2 all day. (Swap for day 2). Voila - no difference at all to the single mum. And at least they get another adult to talk to.

So yes .... they have it a little bit easier. Although obviously many babies are far from easy.

No one you're actually close to has had twins have they?

I have three single kids that are now adults.
My oldest son has gifted me with a DGD 8 and DGS twins 4.

I lived in the UK when my children were young and my husband spent 290 days working in Europe. I am American so I was very far away from my family and it was difficult to raise my children practically on my own but even then, I wasn't single so I had a distinct advantage.

My oldest grandchild was super fun. I helped my DS and his DP and looked after their daughter by myself. I took her to the park, we played at the park, had pretty easy days.

Then my DGS, the twins, were born and my DS and his partner split up. My son moved in with me and he got custody of his three children. My DH and I worked from home and helped our son with childcare of his children. There were three adults (and my two younger children who were teens) and it was extremely difficult to care for all the children. When my DGD started school, we only had the twins during the day and it was exhausting and relentless!

OP, I suggest you spend a week with your sister's twins and then come back and tell us how it's the same as a single child!

@PetraRabbit

Haven't read the replies but I would say 2 adults 2 children would always be easier than 1 adult 1 child just because you can mix up who deals with a particular child which usually helps give the adult a break of sorts and refreshes the child if they are playing one parent up. Being the only adult in any scenario with children is tough as there is noone else who can watch them while you answer door/go to loo etc. I'm sure twins are especially tiring with things like night wakings and feeds but during the day 1 on 1 is harder than 2 on 2.

Says a person who clearly doesn’t have twins 😂

To Paraphrase Stephen K Amos's mother
Twins are all the love and joy of one baby but ruined.
Makes me laugh every time I think of it because it is true, you love them so much but you never get moments alone just to be with one. There are many twins in my family and many have a singleton as well and the consensus is twins are harder and that is from single and partnered parents.
Multiple births carries a increased risk of divorce.

@middleager - I still shudder too, and they are 9 now!

I recently saw a woman walking around the supermarket with baby twins lying in the trolley seats (the ones that tip back for young babies). I had to go into another aisle because I felt so sorry for her and started to well up.

I already had two older children and had been quite a confident mother, hadn’t struggled with the newborn phases, or the jump from one to two.

I used to go to a twins club. There was always at least one woman crying. Twins nearly broke me.

My parents had looked after my single children sometimes, quite happily. But after having the baby twins once, my DM said to me, quite simply “We can’t have them both together again, it’s too hard”. She said that her and DF were “shell shocked”

OP, I’ve missed how nearby you live, why don’t you offer to help out by having the twins for a couple of hours to give them a break? Better still, try 24 hours. Then come back and talk to us about it.

Or even take just one twin? Your sister and her DP will find even that an absolute walk in the park, after having two relentlessly.

Twins sounds awful. With one baby, I was very mobile - we could get out of the house lots, go to baby groups (pre-Covid), take the train or bus places, drive to visit my parents. Since DH was (and is still ) working very long hours, it was all just me and baby. So I dragged my infant DS out to pubs and restaurants for meals and drinks with friends...the noise and bustle of these places put him right to sleep in his bassinet . It was only when he was around 10 months old that he started to need more of a routine, so I just did what suited me until then and he napped wherever we were. Then we made more local friends and I felt more comfortable getting a babysitter in as he was a bit older and eventually went back to work part-time.

I imagine that goes out of the window with twins....Since it's a huge logistical nightmare to get two out between feeding, changes and naps, it's probably you, two screaming babies and the four walls of your home for long periods of time. And, unless you can afford a nanny, you're probably stuck not working for the foreseeable future since nursery fees are so expensive. Also, presumably lockdown means they've been unable to have friends etc. round to visit. During mat leave, the last thing I wanted was more of my DH (well, a little more would have been nice...). Instead, I loved having my friends round to talk to me about their non-baby lives and make me feel human again.

The thing is it doesn’t matter whether you think it’s easier or harder, she thinks it’s harder. My sister is the same with her twins, she feels it’s harder even though they are now 8, I have a 1 year old and 3 year old but she will tell me she still has it harder than I do now, I just nod and smile it maybe harder for her, but either way it’s just different. Every family dynamic is different, every baby is different, personalities respond differently to challenging situations. I do understand how it grates though

I had twins and did it all alone from day one. It wasn’t that hard, but they were easy babies and slept. If I’d had a high maintenance one I’d have crumbled.

Sounds like she's massively struggling OP, COVID is a whole different ballgame for a new parent and is bound to have made things more stressful. Not going any further than her GP/garden isn't going to be doing her mental health any good.

@DiamanteFan

Sounds like she's massively struggling OP, COVID is a whole different ballgame for a new parent and is bound to have made things more stressful. Not going any further than her GP/garden isn't going to be doing her mental health any good.

Agree with this. Covid babies are a whole game changer. My twins were 3 months in March, I think just the isolation at a time when ordinarily everyone wants to see you, you're out at lots of groups, maybe popping into work with baby, just generally back on your feet and DOING STUFF but no. Covid. It just adds another layer of stress.

Never had twins ,but from friends know 2 babies is much much harder than one! My Cousin said to me when I had my DD "How I envy you that first one" never knew what she meant until I had my second,then I did. Honestly 2 babies are very full on!

Why when there is an emotive question like this does the op never enable a vote .
Yabu

To Paraphrase Stephen K Amos's mother
Twins are all the love and joy of one baby but ruined.

I love this quote. (I had a 1 yr old and twins)

If DM works FT, then surely she should not be expected to be "helping out " to a large degree? Maybe some short babysitting /nipping to the shops now and then should be enough . I mean I see Twins are hard going ,but DS and he DH are both there and DM is probably quite tired from working FT!

Well that's on the DM to say no. We had a 4.5 yo when the twins came, no babysitting here and DH went back to work after a month.

I'd rather have no help than grudging help

And don't you all gravitate to the twin parents - the shared experience that no one gets unless you've been through it - I know so many twin parents...

I found my twins easier than my singleton!
DH was back at work 3 days after they were born and so I was juggling the twins and a 3yo on my own most of the time. I actually think it helped as I didn't have time to waste and the twins fell into their routines much easier than my eldest and learnt to self settle a lot easier as well.
We had no real family help when they were young and as inlaws lived away we did a lot of travelling to them to them a few times a year.
I think sometimes, people get too much help and it stops them finding a natural flow to it all.