To think that twins with two adults at home ft isn't harder than one baby with one adult

[sunnydayin]

My sister had twins this year and her dh has been furloughed since March. His family help them a lot financially so they're ok in that respect.

Sister is always telling me how much worse she has it because there's two of them than when my dc was born.
I can't see it though. Maybe I'm being ridiculous but it's beginning to annoy

me. I wouldn't say anything to her but internally I'm thinking how is it harder than two non twin babies with two adults to care for them? Her dh is on hand all the time too. They're 5 months now and they don't go anywhere on a car they walk everywhere. Maybe I'm missing something.

@SnackSizeRaisin what I meant with the car is it's not that that's more difficult because I would assume two babies instead of one in a car is more difficult but she only takes them in the garden because of covid.
Sometimes they go around the block in the pram though and walk to doctors when needed so that is more difficult but there's two adults as well, but I'm seeing that it's not that straightforward then.

I guess it is the sleeping and feeding - waking each other up, both wanting to feed at the same time - a lot of this just biologically falls back on the mother at this stage, and it must be relentless.

I remember asking one really zen mum of twins how she coped so well, and she told me she just accepted early on that only one of them would be happy at any given time. The other one would be inconsolable or raging. That must be very wearing if you are still desperately trying to keep both of them content, which it sounds like your DS is.

If it's too much for your mum she should tell them, and do less! No point moaning to other people about it. We have this in our family...mil complains constantly about having to do free full-time childcare, but would she ever say anything to the person whose child it was? Obviously not...

@IndecentFeminist I am I thought I'd made that clear. I'm not going to say anything to her but I am a bit miffed as why two adults ft looking after a baby plus childcare from our mum would be more difficult .

Honestly and with respect you have absolutely no idea how hard it is having twins. I am a twin parent and am friends with a large group of them (thanks to our local twin club) and yes of course it’s easier when there are two of you at home rather than one, but two babies is a whole other ball game. They wake each other up crying, even if you’re holding one each and there are two of them screaming that’s still two babies screaming. Or they take it in turns screaming so it’s just constant noise, almost no sleep, etc. Twice the volume, twice the bottle prep, washing up, nappy changes, poo explosions, laundry etc etc - even with a partner sharing the work it’s never ending. Then you find they don’t like the same bottles, or when weaning won’t eat the same food, they’ll be hungry at different times, later they won’t like the same TV programmes or nursery rhymes etc etc.

One of mine was in NICU for two months and I was at home with the other for six of those weeks while DH kept working as he saved his leave for when both were home. Those six weeks were calm bliss compared to when they both came home even though DH was around. Then after a couple of weeks DT2 was readmitted to hospital for almost two weeks and I had to stay with him while DH was at home by himself with DT1. DH said it was so calm compared to when both were home.

Having said all that, we didn’t have anyone to help - no family support at all. But regardless, it is absolutely relentless, in a way that’s hard to explain unless you’ve had twins yourself. I barely remember the first 10 months of their lives because we didn’t sleep almost at all.

I was terrified I’d have twins. My boss had a lovely 4yo daughter, then twins. I have never seen a man age so quickly. I always think 2 kids isn’t double the work, it’s at least 3 times the work.

My mum thought like you. She is a twin and was critical of her mum for saying that twins were so much more hard work. When she saw me with my twins the penny seemed to drop, and she admitted that two babies was much more work than simply having two children.

A professional once told me that caring for twins is four or five times as hard as caring for a singleton. Don't know exactly about the ratio or why it is like this, but it definitely felt like it. I guess it's chaos theory: just adding another major variable in the mix creates a heap more complexities. Both babies always wanting the same thing at the same time means you often have to disappoint one for a while, and then deal with the afermath of that. Also, the sleep deprivation and not being able to recover from it is already hard for parents with one child. Two is just a whole other ballgame.

I love my twins but the idea that the next pregnancy might be twins again is enough for me to stay celibate until they're grown-ups.

Twins are brutal for the first year.
But competitive tiredness isn't a good look on anyone.
Don't try and compete with your dsis just give her a friendly ear, don't listen to her if she tries to compete with you either.

I don't really think it matters. She is finding it hard. She is telling you that. Just listen to her and sympathise.

No I don't have any idea hence why I was questioning it. Their twins have no hospital issues though. That would be very stressful and add to your stress surely.
But dh hasn't worked since they were born. If he was working I would understand prior to this thread if he was working it's harder but he's not.
My sister is 15 months younger than me so my mum is comparing that situation to theirs and saying she doesn't understand as there's two adults when most people only have one at home ft but fair enough.

@whenyouup your answer makes a lot of sense when thinking of what my mums said re having two babies and comparing it to twins.

You sound hideously jealous I’m afraid

@Sonofapizzaman I am not but ok

One of the biggest challenges with twins is that you have 2 very different babies a lot of the time. It's hard enough trying to figure out what's wrong/needed/works well/prefers with one baby. Trying to work out 2 is brutal. You'll have them both screaming for different reasons and they both need different things. It's not really a case of one adult one child, you end up trying to work it out together and you both get little downtime as one is always awake 😩

Depends on the babies really, some are easier than others, including an easy twin and the other not so easy and etc.

The Parents on the other hand are a different matter - doesn't matter the number of babies nor how easy or hard each baby is, nor even how many Parents there are - athough one does hope that, if there's at least 2 Parents, at least 1 of them is getting on with the job involved.

Compare the differences now at your peril OP because you never know what's coming down the road. Hopefully nothing but you never really know until it hits you.

Maybe she just finds parenting harder than you? You're different people presumably.

To be honest OP you're coming across as not a very nice person. Two of my close friends had twins, both had supportive husbands, both struggled enormously, far more than I did. My DS was an awful sleeper, he woke every 45 mins till 9 months, then every hour till 19 months. It was hellish, but having seen close-hand what twins is like I can honestly say they had it worse.

I'm not sure why you don't understand why twice the number of babies equals more than twice the trouble,if I was feeling kind I'd assume that you're just a bit dim, but truly you sound mean.

Honestly, I would be hugely hurt if I were your sister and thought my mum was having this kind of conversation with you about me. If she doesn't want to help then she is well within her rights to say no. But to help while resenting it internally and then siding with you in rolling eyes is really not nice.

Twins is easier with two parents than single with one. Much easier. Because one parent can take twins for a walk and the other parent gets a break...

Yes it does make a lot more sense. I was going to say about mum being tired but I won't then. Mum obviously can sort that out herself but I was definitely on my mums side saying I couldn't understand if there's two adults and two baby's why it's so hard. But this is helpful to understand. I would not say something to my sister about it not being harder as there isn't anything to gain from that but helpful to know it most likely is more difficult.

I had twins then had a singleton 6 years later, I can’t tell you how Joyous it is having one baby! Twins are a nightmare! Especially early on, the stress of if one wakes up but the other is still sleeping and you don’t want them on different schedules, constant nappy changes plus being a new mum. I had my mum and my husband with the twins, the baby I’ve worked pretty much full time the whole time And had the baby on my own (Covid meant my husband out if the house more)
You are being very unreasonable!

[quote sunnydayin]@SnackSizeRaisin what I meant with the car is it's not that that's more difficult because I would assume two babies instead of one in a car is more difficult but she only takes them in the garden because of covid.
Sometimes they go around the block in the pram though and walk to doctors when needed so that is more difficult but there's two adults as well, but I'm seeing that it's not that straightforward then. [/quote]
Two babies in a garden is worse than two in a pram! You concentrate on one and then find the other cramming soil in its mouth. Go to sort that one out and the other has toddled off into the brambles or near the stairs.

If you've never been through it, you won't understand.

Like others have said. Try to be supportive. Shes going through a tough time.

Ps surely the support off your mum is limited given she works FT.

OP you are only responding to people who agree with you...no point asking the question when all you seem to want to do is believe you are right! Here's a hint - you're not - you sound very uncharitable.

I agreed with you right up until I thought of the twice as much crying thing.
Twice as many feeds, nappies, clothes, all fine with two adults.
But it doesn't matter how many adults there is, too babies crying at the same time or taking it in turns would drive me insane.
I always thought I wanted twins, until I got pregnant, I'm so glad there's only one in here!

@Orangeboots I didn't realise I was doing that. I did say I can see sense in a lot of the posts here ie the ones saying it isn't as simple as two adults and two babies

Twins are more than twice as hard. My daughter has twins, I remember how hard it was when she’d call me and say one twin had woke up crying at 1.30 am and had woke the other. Or how one would just be getting over a snotty cold and the other would start with it.

Parenting isn’t a competition. Just nod and agree when she tells you it’s hard. You’re being rather childish.