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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not share my Christmas bonus with my DP?

175 replies

Fressia123 · 02/12/2020 16:36

I'm the higher earner and don't keep any money to myself. This bonus was completely unexpected and feel like my either saving it or buying something for myself. Is that selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fressia123 · 02/12/2020 17:49

Because it's debt that it's about to end. And I love my jewelry!

OP posts:
BuntysTwinkle · 02/12/2020 17:50

Wait, you're the higher earner, and he's the one with all the spending money? Why?!

How would you feel if it was the other way around?

If all of it was the other way around she'd probably be feeling quite pampered...

TinkerPony · 02/12/2020 17:51

The trust fund money was for you alone and should be for youself and your kids to do what you please. Not in a pot or joint account. IMO
Until he cleared all his personal debt then only after look into joint account and agree to put in a certain amount affordable weekly/monthly anything leftover for own expenses or savings

MrDarcyismines · 02/12/2020 17:54

My husband got an 8k bonus recently and basically invested in to our home. I however, will invest my £500 towards a holiday for us!

flaviaritt · 02/12/2020 17:56

The trust fund money was for you alone and should be for youself and your kids to do what you please. Not in a pot or joint account. IMO

Imagine a man being told this. Pigs would fly.

Look, OP, I think the really important thing is for you to think about how this would feel to you if, in a few years and for whatever reason, you were in a more dependent position in the marriage, and your DH (as he will be) got a medium-sized bonus and kept it for himself.

Are you always going to want to joint savings even if he ends up earning more?

Are you always going to want separate debts?

Are you always going to be happy with someone keeping £500 to treat themselves, when other things are not covered (and yes, I’m talking about debt - married debt is just debt).

If so, great. If not, remember that this will be the precedent you set.

flaviaritt · 02/12/2020 17:56

*sorry: separate savings

Hopoindown31 · 02/12/2020 17:57

Hi OP, imagine if your DP hid a £500 bonus from you and spent it on himself. If you are happy with that then keep it yourself.

fashu · 02/12/2020 18:00

Personally, I would be keeping any bonus to spend on what I wanted, but I would most likely spend it on something for the house that we could both use or for kids. DH would keep any bonus he got, but would again probably buy something for the house or kids. I don't think there is a problem both ways. If you want to keep it, fair enough, your choice. But there is nothing wrong with sharing either.
Also, I suppose the question is, if you DP got a bonus, would you want them to share it with you?

Cherrypies · 02/12/2020 18:01

Why not give some to your local charity, mine would be a local dog and cat rescue, and treat yourself and feel good all at the same time!

Feedingthebirds1 · 02/12/2020 18:02

@tenbob

If this was reversed, and someone posted to say their DH spent his £500 bonus on himself without consultation, the screams of ‘LTB’ and ‘family money’ would be audible from space
I'm not entirely sure that's true. If the family had debts that weren't going to be paid, definitely.

But if the DH was the main earner, put almost everything he got into the pot and paid for all the extras, bought very little for himself, paid in much more than his DW who was paying off previous debts so couldn't contribute as much...not so sure.

flaviaritt · 02/12/2020 18:05

But if the DH was the main earner, put almost everything he got into the pot and paid for all the extras, bought very little for himself, paid in much more than his DW who was paying off previous debts so couldn't contribute as much...not so sure.*

They wouldn’t. They’d said ‘You’re a family and it is family money.’ And they’d be right. Leaning on, ‘Well I pay more’ when you earn more in a family with kids in it is pretty weak stuff.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 02/12/2020 18:10

He says I'm free to do whatever I want with it!

OP posts:
Leaannb · 02/12/2020 18:11

@Feedingthebirds1...Yes they would. I was told my husband should leave me because he has no legal right to my home and properties or my pension and the list goes on...

scrunchiesforever · 02/12/2020 18:11

@Bugoluu

I feel it would be very different responses if a man who was the main earner did not share his bonus with his wife
This The responses are hilarious This is the set up in lots of families where the man is the higher earner I'm the higher earner here and share main bonus If this was me my DH would tell me to keep it for myself (as long as no debts etc)
CountFosco · 02/12/2020 18:14

It depends on your income. I get a bonus yearly that is £500 to £1000 and I tend to tell DH what I'm spending it on. But we have a high household income and so we can afford to have bonuses in that region spent on nice things. I got an much larger early inheritance recently and he got half to put in his savings, that's different though.

Disfordarkchocolate · 02/12/2020 18:17

My husband would be making sure I spent on myself. I'd be keen on giving him £100 to have fun with.

notalwaysalondoner · 02/12/2020 18:17

I get serious bonuses every year, DH doesn’t, and we treat them the same as a pay rise - whoever gets them has to take the other out for a nice dinner, can buy something nice for themselves as a reward, but then the vast majority goes into joint savings. Could that be a compromise, that you buy a little something for your DP but spend most of it on you? I agree though, £500 is an amount I’d understand if my partner wanted to spend it on themselves rather than putting it into the pot.

MirandaMarple · 02/12/2020 18:20

Enjoy it all to yourself but I think he might deserve a 10p mix up.

Honestly though, I'd treat us to a nice bottle of wine or something similar.

My husband would want me to keep it to myself, but then I'd probably buy something house related anyway.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/12/2020 18:21

Op is his debt £150 or £150k?

SleepingStandingUp · 02/12/2020 18:24

@TinkerPony

The trust fund money was for you alone and should be for youself and your kids to do what you please. Not in a pot or joint account. IMO Until he cleared all his personal debt then only after look into joint account and agree to put in a certain amount affordable weekly/monthly anything leftover for own expenses or savings
She is doing what she wants with it, it's giving her a nicer quality of life than she would otherwise have. Do you really think she should use £600 pm to buy her and DC nice food whilst DP and his have beans on toast, or to pay for her and DC to go away whilst he stays at home? Perhaps a car on finance he's not allowed to ride in eh?
Purplecatshopaholic · 02/12/2020 18:25

Jeez, you already pay for most things, and we are talking £500, not 50k! Treat yourself! Wouldn’t even occur to me to do otherwise (would say that to a higher earning man too..)

Sweettea1 · 02/12/2020 18:26

Its a thank you from the boss to you not you+husband spend it as you want i wouldn't split it wouldn't expect them to split with me either tho.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 02/12/2020 18:28

It is a 'thank you' present from your CEO - a present, to you.

If it was a voucher for a clothing store, or a jewellery store, or a book token would you share it?

SillyUnMurphy · 02/12/2020 18:28

It’s up to you I guess. My DH gets a good bonus every year (10 percent of salary) and he always buys something for the house we need, buys himself a little something (last year it was AirPods but he bought some for me too) and then puts the rest into savings or pays something off. I don’t get a bonus ever (public sector)

texelgirl · 02/12/2020 18:30

Save most but buy a treat for yourself

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