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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not share my Christmas bonus with my DP?

175 replies

Fressia123 · 02/12/2020 16:36

I'm the higher earner and don't keep any money to myself. This bonus was completely unexpected and feel like my either saving it or buying something for myself. Is that selfish?

OP posts:
Respectabitch · 02/12/2020 17:17

We have an agreement that any bonus or work-related discretionary payment, the earner takes 50% to treat themselves (or save, at their discretion) and the rest goes to joint savings. But we'd probably only bother with this for amounts over £500.

In your case it depends how significant a sum £500 is for you I think. If it's a significant sum that could help pay off debts or pay bills or increase your savings cushion then I think you should 50:50 it. If it's just play money you could keep it, but you shouldn't hide that you got it.

IVFNewbie · 02/12/2020 17:19

Put it towards something nice for you both- a weekend away or the like.

Osteomancer · 02/12/2020 17:19

But I put ALL of my salary and my trust money into the joint account. He gets to keep about £300 every month

So it's more black and white, our monthly basic expenses are £2k. He puts in £900 and I put the rest and whatever else is needed that month.

So you put 600 from your trust, and then 500 from your salary - but you call yourself a high earner? so where is the other money going?

Original poster
Fressia123 · 02/12/2020 17:21

I said "higher earner" not a high earner (as a PP clarified it). In reality my salary is fairly low, bit thanks to my savvy budgeting skills, OT, trust ££, and freelancing we do ok.

OP posts:
reluctantbrit · 02/12/2020 17:23

I won an award which had a £1K price attached to it. The award was for working myself stupid for 2 months.

DH is determind I use the money for myself, normally all bonuses end up in our joint account and are used for holidays and house improvement/updates.

I feel a bit guilty as the 2 months work were a nightmare also for DD and DH so most likely I will split the money.

CheetasOnFajitas · 02/12/2020 17:23

Is he not paying maintenance for his kids?

Derelictwreck · 02/12/2020 17:24

@Osteomancer

But I put ALL of my salary and my trust money into the joint account. He gets to keep about £300 every month

So it's more black and white, our monthly basic expenses are £2k. He puts in £900 and I put the rest and whatever else is needed that month.

So you put 600 from your trust, and then 500 from your salary - but you call yourself a high earner? so where is the other money going?

This is what I was going to say. And where is the fairness in him having to share his bonus but you don't?

Tell him about it. You're a partnership

FizzyPink · 02/12/2020 17:24

I think if I had a surprise £500 DP would very much want me to treat myself to something lovely. However, I would personally put it towards a holiday/weekend away for us both but really that’s just because I’d enjoy that much more than something material

5zeds · 02/12/2020 17:24

Put the same amount into the pot each month and all other money is yours/his.

OR

share everything 50:50

DianaT1969 · 02/12/2020 17:25

The sums don't make sense. You say your expences are £2000 per month. He pays £900 and you pay £1100. You get £600 per month trust fund income. Do you only take home £500 per month?? If you earn more than £500 per month, where does that go? Currently, you contribute more than him to household expenses, but I assume your older child lives with you full time? So you have 1 DC extra to take care of within your household expenses.
Presumably childcare is in the £2000.

youngestisapsycho · 02/12/2020 17:26

I wouldn’t even tell my DH I’d been given it... go and treat yourself!

greenspacesoverthere · 02/12/2020 17:27

and whatever he's saving for (in this case the engagement ring).

So he's saving for the ring you are going to wear?

And you're keeping the £500?

Original poster
Fressia123 · 02/12/2020 17:28

My income (from work, freelancing, and trust) add to about £2200. The the give or take //£1000 that are left are used to bug whatever extra is needed that month (including going out and occasional childcare) and whatever is left is saved. We have no joint debt.

OP posts:
TigerDrawers · 02/12/2020 17:29

Are you currently saving any money OP? You mention that he's saving but all your money is going in to the joint account? Are there any savings in the joint account? I would feel a little uncomfortable with that situation if it was me, but obviously you know your DP and situation better.

I agree with a PP, if it's been given to you as a gift, rather than a bonus, I wouldn't share it, or would take him out for a meal or get a nice takeaway maybe.

Look at it this way - if he receives vouchers for Christmas or his birthday, does he share them with you?

Feedingthebirds1 · 02/12/2020 17:34

OP I know you want to play nice, but my take on it would be that he's already had his treats, or he wouldn't be in debt. And if he wasn't in debt, then he could put more in the pot. Or have more to spend on himself so that the nice extras don't only come at Christmas and birthdays.

Spend it on yourself, and don't feel guilty.

(And I'd then have an honest think about your joint finances. Are you happy to bankroll him forever?)

savethewales · 02/12/2020 17:34

@tenbob

If this was reversed, and someone posted to say their DH spent his £500 bonus on himself without consultation, the screams of ‘LTB’ and ‘family money’ would be audible from space
This, one hundred times this!
DinosaurGrrrrr · 02/12/2020 17:35

I'm married with children so it'd just go in the pot we don't have mine and yours, but that's us. As you aren't married and it doesn't sound like you have kids I'd probably keep it for myself, but I would tell him about it.

AlwaysLatte · 02/12/2020 17:38

We share everything here, but it depends what you normally do?

HollowTalk · 02/12/2020 17:39

So he gets spending money and you don't? That needs to change, for a start. He's the one with debt; it's down to him to repay that. I think you should keep this sum and also set aside an amount that's at least what he has every month.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 02/12/2020 17:40

I'd tell him I had it because to conceal it feels dishonest, but in your circumstances I would keep it and spend it how I liked. Unless you come on here and say he's a sahp who facilitates you being able to earn more by doing all the childcare. If that's not the case, I say it's your money and you are already contributing more than your share.
I'd also be a bit careful of what your legal obligations will be once you get married. But only you can judge what kind of man he is and whether he's a grafter who just happens to be paid less or if he's a cocklodger. If the former then I'd be happy to share everything - that's what marriage means to be. But if the latter, be very careful.

flaviaritt · 02/12/2020 17:41

I think this sounds messy. Confused

What sort of long term financial arrangements do you want? Do that.

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 02/12/2020 17:41

I love the way 'shall I keep my bonus! Has turned into a forensic analysis of op's accounts and relationship, and advice not to marry him!

Keep the money op, nice bit of jewellery or a handbag.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 02/12/2020 17:46

Sometimes people start a thread about one issue and it turns out to be linked to a wider concern. The OP is paying her dp's debts and is about to make a big legal commitment -it wouldn't be right not to talk about potential other issues.

WorraLiberty · 02/12/2020 17:47

If he's in so much debt, why is he saving to buy you an engagement ring?

Surely that's unnecessary?

OhioOhioOhio · 02/12/2020 17:48

Omg. Please do not marry him or buy a 'treat'.