To not share my Christmas bonus with my DP?

[Fressia123]

I'm the higher earner and don't keep any money to myself. This bonus was completely unexpected and feel like my either saving it or buying something for myself. Is that selfish?

Don’t blame you
Also higher earner
My £2k bonus all went in family stuff
My very rare overtime paid childcare for 2 months
Sometimes it’s fine to keep something for you

Just seen your update. Why are you both not getting equal personal money ? Not your fault he has debts.

Yes my OT also paid for childcare so I fell you @Figgygal

The £500 bonus would be the least of the issues. You as the higher earner put ALL your salary and trust money into the JOINT account and he gets to keep about £300 for things incl whatever he's saving for!!? He's bloody lucky!! Men would walk over hot coals to land a woman happy with that sort of set up! I don't care how much I was in love with someone I could never have this arrangement!

Depends on your set up with your oh.

In my family OH and I put in equal effort into the family so get equal rewards.
We share all money.
Doesn't matter who earns what.
When the kids were small I dind't work at all- money was shared. We both put in equal effort- whether earning/housework/mental load/childcare
I now earn twice his income and we still share all finances- we put in equal effort so we share the income equally.

We are a team.

If I were in your shoes I would speak to dh about it and I would offer to go out for a really nice meal or get a takeaway and a good bottle of wine if in lockdown and say that I have something in mind for the rest of it.

My dh would not care in the slightest but I would feel bad pocketing it and not saying anything at all as I know this would never occur to him if the situation was reversed. He would try to give it to me.

I got a £1600 bonus but it went to our shared account, my husband sent £950 toy personal savings and he insisted (I wasn't bothered), £600 less as we had the NIPT done and I got a night guard which cost £300 which was unexpected outgoings.

Keep it if you want, I don't think it's unreasonable.

Because I guess our quality of life would be reduced? My trust money pays for a "comfortable life". I also do some freelancing and that goes to the joint pot too.

Do you resent him op? The way you typed ALL and then mentioned his debts suggests that you do.

Oh I cross posted and had not seen your update, I think you need a broader discussion about your finances really.....

@katy1213

Oh, for heaven's sake - £500! That's hardly a matter for consultation. Just treat yourself to something nice.

Actually £500 is a matter of consultation to some people (OP say she is the higher earner, not a high earner per se)

If you're comfortably off that you don't "need" the money for the family pot I'd spend it on yourself but maybe buy him a gift with it.

A bonus is supposed to be something over and above the usual day to day needs.

My husband is the higher earner. If he got a similar bonus, he'd tell me and I'd tell him to buy himself something nice. He hardly ever treats himself, and I'd only save any I was given. But the important thing for me would be that he would always tell me.

OP,
Are you saying he gets an EXTRA 300 pounds for his debts, plus a bit for a ring from YOUR income AND your asking about a measly 500 one off extra bonus?

If so, doesn't sound like a great arrangement.

Why would you be paying off his debts?

Share it without a doubt.

As long as you don’t mind him keeping secrets and hiding money from you !.

I genuinely don't. I mea. We have a lovely life and I guess I can go and buy new shoes (and will ask of he needs any) but he only gets such things as presents, whereas I can go and buy them. Obviously nothing extravagant, but I feel like £500 could definitely buy me something nice.

It wouldn't even cross my mind to share a bonus with my partner. Especially not £500.

That clearly makes me an awful person!

I would expect to share it.

Well it depends, does he earn much less because he's at home looking after your kids or does he earn much less because he is trying really hard to find a decent stable job but can't or is he just a cocklodger?

But surely it’s just the same as your DH putting the money in the family pot and then taking it out again ?
Don’t you take out money for your spending?
Do you feel it’s an unfair set up ?

@tenbob

If this was reversed, and someone posted to say their DH spent his £500 bonus on himself without consultation, the screams of ‘LTB’ and ‘family money’ would be audible from space

Absolutely!

We have our money as joint, we each get the same amount of personal money a month. But with bonuses we will sometimes say “do you mind if I spend it on xyz”, as it’s a bit of a treat, and the other agrees because it’s reasonable and the money isn’t otherwise accounted for.

What is unreasonable is to keep it because you’re fed up of not having money. The answer to that is to sit down and discuss a fair arrangement you’re both happy with.

No, no, he pays his debts and is saving from his income.
So it's more black and white, our monthly basic expenses are £2k. He puts in £900 and I put the rest and whatever else is needed that month.

How long have you been together? Do you have kids together?

Is there enough money in the pot that no one is struggling to afford the shopping or small luxuries for themselves?

If there's other things that's needed but you cant afford it and you've been together 10 years with two kids then YABU.

If you're perfectly comfortable, have been together a year and have no kids YANBU. Would he even notice in this situation?

Well any small luxuries are usually bought when we're together (it's mostly going out for a meal and good old TK Maxx). We do have one baby together. A dog, a cat, I have I have another DC and he has two.