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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not share my Christmas bonus with my DP?

175 replies

Fressia123 · 02/12/2020 16:36

I'm the higher earner and don't keep any money to myself. This bonus was completely unexpected and feel like my either saving it or buying something for myself. Is that selfish?

OP posts:
FlyLight · 02/12/2020 16:58

If you're not married and don't have kids I don't know why you'd need to share it. Dp and I live together but have totally separate accounts and spend our own money on whatever we want once the household expenses are split 50:50. If he got a bonus I certainly wouldn't expect to be given any!

79andnotout · 02/12/2020 17:00

Depends on your setup. I never share my bonuses. My (longterm) DP has no idea what I get in them.

TooManyDogsandChildren · 02/12/2020 17:00

As I understand it this is a one-off from the CEO to you, not just your annual bonus. If so, it was meant as a gift to you and I would treat it as such.

Fruitsaladjelly · 02/12/2020 17:00

Personally I’m always grateful for extra money at this time of year and it would just go towards Christmas presents so no I wouldn’t feel guilty keeping it as it would most likely end up wrapped under the tree for my dh anyway.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 02/12/2020 17:01

I'm conflicted because he does put his Christmas bonus into the joint pot (well whatever is left after my present) but I feel like even though I do buy small treats for myself, it'd be nice to have some income I'm not expected to share.

OP posts:
OneForMeToo · 02/12/2020 17:01

From all the updates keep the money. His fine you pay for most of everything anyway.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 02/12/2020 17:02

Yes that's correct @TooManyDogsandChildren

OP posts:
Bugoluu · 02/12/2020 17:02

I feel it would be very different responses if a man who was the main earner did not share his bonus with his wife

Catsup · 02/12/2020 17:03

I'm lost off... So you're paying in the extra each month so he can save up for your engagement ring, with the extra money you put in?

funtimefrank · 02/12/2020 17:03

I work and my husband is a sahp. All my salary and annual bonus goes into the family pot and we get the same monthly personal spends.

But we used to have a work voucher reward system- you could get £75 quid of vouchers if you did a good job. I used to get about 4/5 a year of these and I'd keep them for my treats as they were directly related to my performance and hard work.

Userzzz · 02/12/2020 17:04

How would you feel if it was the other way around?

Original poster
Fressia123 · 02/12/2020 17:05

Yes more or less @Catsup , he doesn't put the money in so he can save and the gap is covered by my income.

OP posts:
loulou0987 · 02/12/2020 17:06

What is trust money?

loulou0987 · 02/12/2020 17:07

Also if it is a gift I would spend it on a gift for myself!

I8toys · 02/12/2020 17:08

My bonus always gets put into the joint account. I did get invisalign one year though!

Original poster
Fressia123 · 02/12/2020 17:08

@loulou0987 my uncle left me some money in a trust and get £600 pcm.

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 02/12/2020 17:09

So you're basically already covering his debts, OP.

I get that bills should be split proportional to income but you're putting all your trust money into a joint account with a man you've no legal ties to plus funding most of his living expenses?

Until you're legally married, I'd keep the money you are saving for your joint lives, which has come from your income, in your own name.

pessimistiquerealistique · 02/12/2020 17:09

My DP's money is our money. I know he thinks like that.

Original poster
Fressia123 · 02/12/2020 17:11

I don't care about the legalities of marriage in that way (we're getting married in April anyways), but I feel that for once I want to keep the money and I do buy something stupid it's on me!

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 02/12/2020 17:12

I don't understand why he gets £300 to himself each month and you get £0. Why doesn't he put in an extra £150, and then you'll retain your standard of living but both have £150 to yourselves each month. Much more equitable.

MrsMigginsMate · 02/12/2020 17:13

@katy1213

Oh, for heaven's sake - £500! That's hardly a matter for consultation. Just treat yourself to something nice.
Wow. You must be pretty well off if you think £500 isn't a big amount of money. Not everybody on this forum will have your privilege.
Original poster
Fressia123 · 02/12/2020 17:13

I think his debts are at least £150? I'm genuinely not sure of how he saves his money. But if his kids need anything extra in usually comes from there.

OP posts:
Osteomancer · 02/12/2020 17:14

@LannieDuck

I don't understand why he gets £300 to himself each month and you get £0. Why doesn't he put in an extra £150, and then you'll retain your standard of living but both have £150 to yourselves each month. Much more equitable.
er this!
HermioneWeasley · 02/12/2020 17:15

Don’t marry him - you’re already subsidising him at your choice. If you divorce he’ll be entitled to half your assets.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 02/12/2020 17:16

I wouldn't share it. I wouldn't even discuss it. I'd spend it on something I wanted. I'd probably treat DH and DSS to a little something as well.