Two weeks postpartum- to regret having children

[coralpig]

I gave birth to twins 2 weeks ago and I’m really struggling. Without sharing too much:

• they were slightly premature and struggled to latch. Inspite of a good milk supply from me they lost a lot of weight and we had nearly daily midwife visits to weigh them which were very stressful.
• I’m finding the demands of taking care of them extremely difficult. DH has been very hands on but we’ve been arguing amongst ourselves which is unusual for us and both a sleep deprived mess. We tried some formula and it really didn’t agree with them and we all ended up in hospital for a night so that’s not really an option.
• when I look at them I sometimes feel like they’re gorgeous but not mine. I resent how reliant they are on me. They are on a strict feeding plan involving 3 hourly breastfeeding, offering a bottle of Expressed milk and then expressing. I’ve been slowly working on tandem feeding but it’s hard as one is much bigger than the other and one is currently cluster feeding and wants to be on me. I keep being presented with a baby who needs something.
• my physical recovery from birth isn’t great. I had an emergency section (was meant to be a planned one but I went into labour early). My bleeding was initially very light but is now much much heavier. Filling pads every few hours with blood everywhere. The area around my lower tummy and incision is all bumpy and extremely itchy. I think I might have hives. I also have haemorrhoids and need to have a tooth extracted next week. I feel like my whole body has given up on me. I’ve been told the bleeding is normal as I’m feeding so much but it’s debilitating as I sometimes I can’t get off the sofa from feeding and need to change a pad and I worry about leaking.
• I have very complex family issues that are rearing their head and that’s causing issues with my DP and immense worries about the future.

I’ve found myself looking

Sooo normal to feel like this postpartum even without the other issues you are dealing with. Abc twins too! I think the first 6 months are brutal. Your babies are effectively strangers at this stage. You are getting to know each other. I loved mine but I often look back at pictures of those early days and realise I under appreciated how cute they were at the time because I was muddling through in a haze of exhaustion while trying to recover from the birth physically.
Breast feeding can be difficult at the start with one baby let alone two! Honestly, you’re doing fine. It really is awful, exhausting, draining and confusing to begin with.
It WILL get better I promise. Just hang in there.

I think most people wonder wheat on earth they've gotten themselves into in the first 2 weeks

It does get easier

Oh you poor love
The first few weeks post birth are challenging at the best of times but add in two babies, feeding issues, family stuff and other health issues and I bet you're miserable.
The feeling like they aren't yours might be a sign of post natal depression creeping in, OR it might just be because you've had a huge shock, physically and mentally and you are trying to process and recover.
It will improve, you'll start to feel better and they will feed less intensely and generally it will get easier bit by bit. What do you need from people that you aren't getting now?

I hope this stage passes quickly for you op. I felt the same way. Sleep deprivation is evil. I hope you have some support outside your house. Friends or parents who can come over and help or even just sit with you. I found having someone there to talk to helped. Even if I ignored them 90% of the time. It does get better. My DS is two and he’s brilliant but I did regret my decision for a while at the start.

Also my scar looked like a complete mess and felt terrible but now it is barely visible

That is very tough having one is busy and exhausting two must be just immensely

Have you had bleeding checked out ?
Do you think hives are stress related ? Sounds like it would be no harm to have a check up yourself !

I felt exactly as you did two weeks post-partum. I was Googling adoption services and felt I’d made a huge life-wrecking error. I once got dressed and walked out of the house at 2 am, after telling DH I just couldn’t do it. (I turned back at the street corner.) Breastfeeding never worked, despite giving it everything for two miserably difficult months. I got a CS scar infection. And this was with one planned and wanted baby.

It’s an awful period for many people, and you have my total sympathy. The only thing is, you’re doing everything right. The love — and coping skills — come by themselves in time. Think of this as a generally awful time, like SAS training or something. Just concentrate on the basics, like keeping all of you breathing. Investigate other types of formula, maybe? And don’t worry about the big stuff. It sorts itself out. The baby I wanted to give away is now a beloved, leggy, clever, silly eight year old.

Twins!!!??
Find some twin mum Facebook groups or local twin groups as there are very specific twin hacks that will get you through this. Two weeks pp is awful with one baby! You are in the trenches at this point.

Try a towel or maternity sheet pad (like a3 size from boots) to sit on if your worried.

Do what you can to ignore family issues as you have enough going on and if you are not the centre of your family’s thoughts right now, they’re not worth bothering with.

Pay for whatever you can. Meals, a nanny for a few hours a week, a cleaner. You have twins!!!

Congratulations on your babies. Hang in there.

3 hourly feeding of two babies and then expressing sounds like you must not be getting any rest at all. Especially if they are feeding one after the other.
Do you have anyone who could form a support bubble with you as you have children under one? Someone that could come and stay for a couple of weeks and help you all? If not is there any way you could afford a mother's help even for a couple of days?
Sending hugs, things will get easier. Hold on xx
Xx

Honestly I think EVERYONE has a what the fuck have I done stage . Whilst kids can be the biggest joy of your life there is also some of the most difficult times as well.

Wow OP any one of those things would knock a normal person out never mind all of them. Yes to what PPs have said. Tell your doctor, get rest, get help, get friends and family in. Sending hugs 💐💐

Darling, you are two weeks in and you have twins. I'd be more worried if you weren't shellshocked. Feeling as you do is completely, utterly, entirely normal, and it is most likely to pass in due course if you make sure you are being physically and emotionally looked after. Can your MW visit and check you? The bleeding sounds heavy but I never had a section so the process may be different. You should certainly get your scar checked.

Why are you expressing? Direct bf is usually more effcient, for want of a better word. At whose suggestion is this plan? I wonder if you may want to chat it through with someone from a bf helpline, to make sure it's right for you and not another burden. (I sympathise - I was on a very similar schedule with just one baby after my first, due to breast refusal (38 weeker, so not prem but, going by the way he was, prob born earlier than he should have been), and it was a bit of a nightmare).

Is there any chance of putting the family stuff aside for now? Would it be helpful to talk it through here?

One baby felt hard enough so you are amazing for coping so far with two. Are you still under your midwife's care or HV now? Please keep talking to them about how you are feeling physically and emotionally because they will know what is 'normal' and should improve on its own, and what you might need extra support with. You are doing an amazing thing with breastfeeding two - I had a lot of ups and downs but am still bfing my 12 month old and it gets so much easier. When they get a bit bigger you won't need to keep expressing and topping up which will make such a difference to you in terms of time and energy. Are you getting support from your local infant feeding team? They should be able to help in terms of when to move to solely breastfeeding so you dont have to bother with bottles as well keep talking to your DH because you are a team and he can do all of the changing, burping etc to give you a break. You do love each other still and your relationship often takes a knock from a baby but if you keep talking and try to appreciate what each other does you can move to an even stronger place than before.

Bloody Nora! That’s a very rough ride you’re on, love.

Is there no one else you could add to your team- family, friends or professionals- to help you?

I remember that I didn’t ask for help enough- let alone scream it to everyone I knew! Use what strength you have left to assemble a bigger team. I’m sure if people knew they’d be around in a flash. Wish I could!

Please believe me this all sounds quite normal and many of us will relate to what you've said. Twins obviously doubling the impact. This phase will pass, although when you're stuck in it, it's difficult to see how things will ever get easier. Please go easy on yourselves. Your lives have been turned upside down but you will get through this and it will get better I promise. Congratulations!

Wow congratulations on your babies!
It gets easier. It really does. The bit you are in now is insanely hard and I don't even have twins. I did tandem feed two under two though even when my older child went on food strike for weeks and back to exclusive breastfeeding. The human body is amazing and you can make enough milk. You just need the right support. Follow someone like Lucy Webber or Lucy ruddle on Facebook, they are always posting helpful advice. There's a Facebook group called tandem breastfeeding and one called breastfeeding the younger baby and beyond and it's worth joining both.
I had the hives thing too after my first and it was awful, I wanted to scratch my own skin off. I thought I was having an allergic reaction to something and ended up in an out of hours clinic at midnight hours away with a days old baby- the clinic was full of kids with coughs and colds and someone with chicken pox. It was so grim. Anyway they said it was a reaction to birth hormones called PUPP and 1 in 160 women get it. You take the maximum dose of piriton (obviously check all this out with your own midwife) literally on the clock every eight hours or whatever the packet says, once won't do it. Also get Eurax anti itching cream for your poor skin. Feel better xxx

It does get easier and what you are describing is normal. I definitely lived off adrenaline for the first fortnight and then felt so tired after this.

Can your partner take anymore time off work? Any family help? We formula fed and slept in shifts. I had 8pm until midnight. After 4 solid hours I felt more capable. Have you tried having slings each?

This is not how it will always feel.
This is not how it will always feel.
This is not how it will always feel.

I think you need to explore the feeding thing with your midwife or health visitor, whoever you are still under. If you are feeding twice and then expressing every three hours then there is little chance of you getting any rest. You say that formula ended then back in hospital - do you want to use formula a bit or was that on advice due to the low weight? I’m sorry it feels so rough. Newborns are hard; twins more so; pandemic is terrible and then everything else too.

But I promise, it will not always feel like this.

It's so hard, but it really does get easier. Imagine having no stress about the feeding, getting sleep, connecting with your twins, your body feeling better, and not arguing with your partner - this will happen, by the time your babies are 10-12 weeks things will be a lot brighter.

You're doing amazing to keep breastfeeding despite how challenging it's been.

Don't worry about not feeling attachment yet, that is most likely to come and if not ask for help, but give it time.

The most important thing is to get some rest. If possible, ask a friend to come and sit with the babies so you can lie down for hours with the friend bringing them to feed. Ask someone to do this regularly if possible for the first 10-12 weeks. After that things will feel very different.

Well done you, good luck

Thank you for all the kind comments.

I’ve called the hospital and spoken to the midwives about the bleeding and they told me it was normal because of how much feeding and expressing I’m doing.
I’ve got a history of mental health problems and think this is the onset of postnatal depression. DP is pushing for me to make the call and ask for help and I think I will but I’m also kind of dreading that process as I’ve been there before with counselling, CBT etc.
I’m expressing as they won’t feed efficiently from me and need to gain weight. The cycle of breast feed, bottle, wind, change, express for 2 babies takes about 1 hour and a half with 2 of us doing it and sometimes longer if it’s just me. My younger twin is feeding every couple of minutes and also has reflux.

My mum came to join our support bubble and leaves today. She’s been a big help but we also have a difficult relationship and her and DP don’t really get on. It’s been useful but stressful having it here as I feel like I have to manage his emotions towards her as well. There’s also an insistence on ‘fairness’- his mum comes up this weekend for a few days. I get on well with her but I don’t feel like I can really be myself with her.
I’ve just filled in an econsult about the skin itching. I wish I could just go to see my doctor but Instead I had to take a picture of It and upload.

I SO wanted children, have always been very maternal but I sometimes feel like they’d be better off with a different mum.

You poor thing. I had feeding issues with my first and I honestly felt so fed up with the trying to get him to latch then expressing it took up the whole day and I only had one. I would look into trying different formula if I were you if you can get that sorted it will make a big difference. Go easy on yourself it’s a massive adjustment period and you’ve got double the babies most people have. You are doing great keep going it will get easier.

You are not alone! It is so hard, and you are doing amazingly!

Please ask for help with your mental health - early intervention is the best, and it might not be anything formal in the early days. You can also ask for a health visitor to come out every day and help you.

You're doing such a wonderful job. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you are! You're exactly the Mum your babies need. It won't always feel the way it does now.

My partner has a lot of time off work which is great but I’ve been feeling a real distance between us and he is also struggling with a back issue that started several months ago but he only got help for the week before I gave birth. He has regular physio but is in a lot of pain and it affects his mood a lot. I’m constantly asking him for reassurance that he isnt going to leave me. The anxiety about that is so hard to cope with on top of everything else.!

Your post could have been written by so many mothers, it is so incredibly difficult.

I have no idea if either of these things might help or are available due to COVID but have you had some help or advice from a lactation consultant? This turned out to be a real turning point for me- these can be available on the NHS although I ended up paying privately. An I undiagnosed tongue tie and a slightly prem baby caused havoc with me.
The other think that came to mind is the charity home start- they can offer amazing support /help at home in situations like yours. They are national and have been functioning in some capacity throughout lockdown.
I contacted the GP about PND in the end and got the support I needed, if you can do it it's worth it. Take care

Bless you, you have just been through a monumental change in your life, you're allowed to feel like a bit of a mess :)

DD was wonderful when she arrived but honestly, as an early years teacher, it just felt like the attachment I had for any of the children in my nursery. I cared for her, met her needs, gave her affection but it didn't feel like she was mine. I felt a lot of guilt over that. It came in time though and now when I look at her I get that wonderful fuzzy feeling knowing she's mine except when she's throwing a tantrum and then she's DH's.

Prepare for leaking so it doesn't stress you out. Dark knickers, dark leggings/bottoms, dark towel on the sofa. Then if it happens, it happens. Worse and more humiliating things happen through pregnancy, birth and raising kids than a bit of blood and you've got more to concentrate on than worrying about your pad :)

Have you asked anyone to look at your wound? Mine got a bit infected around the 2 week mark and I ended up on antibiotics so you do need to look after yourself, keep it clean and dry and seek help if it doesn't look or feel right.

Go easy on yourself, you're doing an amazing and extremely difficult job raising two tiny babies. Call on all the support you can get to ease the load and remember it will all get easier with time.