Two weeks postpartum- to regret having children

[coralpig]

I gave birth to twins 2 weeks ago and I’m really struggling. Without sharing too much:

• they were slightly premature and struggled to latch. Inspite of a good milk supply from me they lost a lot of weight and we had nearly daily midwife visits to weigh them which were very stressful.
• I’m finding the demands of taking care of them extremely difficult. DH has been very hands on but we’ve been arguing amongst ourselves which is unusual for us and both a sleep deprived mess. We tried some formula and it really didn’t agree with them and we all ended up in hospital for a night so that’s not really an option.
• when I look at them I sometimes feel like they’re gorgeous but not mine. I resent how reliant they are on me. They are on a strict feeding plan involving 3 hourly breastfeeding, offering a bottle of Expressed milk and then expressing. I’ve been slowly working on tandem feeding but it’s hard as one is much bigger than the other and one is currently cluster feeding and wants to be on me. I keep being presented with a baby who needs something.
• my physical recovery from birth isn’t great. I had an emergency section (was meant to be a planned one but I went into labour early). My bleeding was initially very light but is now much much heavier. Filling pads every few hours with blood everywhere. The area around my lower tummy and incision is all bumpy and extremely itchy. I think I might have hives. I also have haemorrhoids and need to have a tooth extracted next week. I feel like my whole body has given up on me. I’ve been told the bleeding is normal as I’m feeding so much but it’s debilitating as I sometimes I can’t get off the sofa from feeding and need to change a pad and I worry about leaking.
• I have very complex family issues that are rearing their head and that’s causing issues with my DP and immense worries about the future.

I’ve found myself looking

My last DC was one baby. One and I was an experienced mum and they broke me.

I had a c section bled for 6 months and the c section scar opened up repeatedly and wouldn't heal. The c section is major surgery on its own. The breast feeding is draining on its own.
Lack of sleep is tortue on its own.

This particularly DC sucked on my nipples every 20 minutes until I was raw and bleeding and absolutely in a fog -I didn't leave the house for 6 weeks. I got to a point of no return at 8 weeks and walked out and left I couldn't see properly, I was hallunicating-my DH at the time was useless, beyond useless actually as he expected me to wait on him hand and foot.
Sensitive below
I would actually got so far as to say at one point for about 2 weeks I believed I hated my child and wanted to kill them -or at least stop them from screaming every hour and thought about doing it. I didn't. I stopped breast feeding at 5 months and wished I had done it sooner. This DC was also sick and reflux constantly once I found a forumla that was ok -said child was find. Said child is now in double figures and very very loved. But there was never ever any chance of me having another EVER.

You need to cry out to the GP, Midwife and HV -now -you need help and support. You must tell your DH NO -if you don't want his mum there and he must be insistent over what you want and what is helpful. In the interest of "fairness" you must get what you want. Both grandmothers have had their children -you need to make the decision for yours.

My DH's entire family came to stay when I was 6 weeks post p in the guise of "trying to help" they expected me to pass the baby over on demand, clean, tidy, cook and amuse them. They even had a game of cricket in the lounge whilst I was feeding the baby or trying to -with a tennis ball and it hit me -that's when I walked out. Just stop the world spinning. Scream and cry to your GP / HV visitor today or midwife. Tell someone to MUST have some more help.

Congratulations on your wonderful twins

OP like so many others have said it will get better.
I felt much like you at 2 weeks and that was with 1.
Bleeding- wore huge pads and changed constantly. I also used those maternity sheets or bed wetting disposable sheets you get in supermarkets . Made me relax a little.
for breastfeeding get a lactation consultant to help, they can be amazing and suggest all sort of things. I had trouble with this with my 3rd baby(thought I knew what I was doing by then but he was my curve ball to keep me on my feet :)
The midwifes in the hospital were brill when he was have problems latching on at first and they gave him formula in a little jug to develop his lapping action if that makes sense. I held it to his mouth and he lapped up formula or breast milk. It worked wonders and he was breastfeeding like a pro after that. This may/may not work for you but just saying all sorts of solutions are out there.
With my 2nd he had a tongue tie that also caused huge problem latching on. Eventually at 4wks we got an appt at St Georges Tooting to have the tongue tie cut. It was so fast and changed my life! He was the happiest baby after that.

You are going to be a wonderful mum ,believe that. You have gorgeous babies and are going through a tough time but it will get better.

Please talk to people like gps and midwifes, this is what they are there for. Someone can give you a helping hand.

I had twins and also a toddler at the time they were born.
It’s bloody hard. Honestly at times I felt like walking out - it was like my fight or flight had kicked in and all I wanted to do was escape.
I also breast fed, expressed on a constant loop.
Get a tandem feeding pillow OP. If you can manage to tandem feed on it then the twins will fall asleep on this after feeding.
My DH and I also argued, it’s just so hard with the life adjustment and no sleep.
I also had the midwife all the time as my babies didn’t put on weight either.
Put a dark towel under you when sitting or laying. Keep asking if the bleeding is normal because after 2 weeks I would have thought it would have calmed down?
Ask about the scar. Mine got infected. In another week it should have calmed down.
This is the biggest piece of reassurance I can give you—-
At 6 weeks things get slightly easier.
At around 3 months there is a bit turning point. The babies will interact with you more and start to give back with smiles. You will know them better by then. Count down the days until 12/13 weeks. I literally had to cross them off on a Calendar to cope and almost wished away those first 3 months.
It feels like a never ending nightmare uk the beginning esp if you are a new mum as the adjustment to having a baby(S) is just enormous.
It does get better, one day at a time at the moment and focus on the 3 month target!

OP; do talk to your GP if your mood doesn't improve, even if just to get reassurance.
I had my first baby nearly 6 months ago and had to be dragged kicking and screaming to the GP. I waited too long. Like you, I have MH history - in my case anxiety/depression. Like you, I couldn't face opening that can of worms again, as getting off of meds 2 years ago was one of my best achievements. However, 2 months in I was crying continuously, daily, and not sleeping or eating. Physically and mentally broken. I resisted as my PND was telling me I'd failed my baby if I felt like this. I had night anxiety and shook if the baby cried. Baby had colic and screamed nightly for 4 hours, and wouldn't feed. Looked at my partner and knew we'd be divorced before the year was up. Thought my life would be like this forever. Had a section too and convinced myself I was going to die as the stitches got slightly infected. This is with just one baby - you are doing incredibly to manage with two!!
However.... GP was fantastic and I'm currently on light dose of escitalopram but no CBT/therapy currently as don't have the time/inclination. This has been enough to take the edge off. Spoke at length to my partner and reassured him I love him but we need to just get through this year. As PP have said, it will get easier. In my case, I see a pattern - 2 good weeks, 2 awful weeks, nowadays the occasional hellish day. Last night baby woke 6 times, cried for food, wouldn't feed. Previous week, he had been sleeping for 13 hour stretches!! 🤷
Try to remember- this won't be your life forever. Deep breaths, adjust your expectations for now (basically write off the next 3 months) and ask for help (and take the help!!) Hang in there x

Hi Coralpig,

Fellow premature twin mum here who also had trouble breastfeeding and the general exhaustion and complete lifestyle change pushed me to the brink of mental despair.

I’ve now got two year olds and I’ve still got barely time to post this and I’m sure you’ll have barely any time to read this so I’ll try to keep it short:

1. nipple shields were a life saver for me to help work on my latch and establish direct feeding before our tongue tie appointment. Push to have them assessed again for tongue toe if needed.
2. tandem feeding pillow also saved my life. I had the peanut and piglet (petite) one which was great. I’d definitely buy it second hand though rather than full price
3. there’s an amazing support group on Facebook called Breastfeeding twins and triplets. Come over to join us. Lots of informative articles are linked. The leader is amazing and other mums will help support you even at 5am!
4. I know it’s hard to ask for help. If you’re like me you try to keep ‘it all together’ and asking for help is like a sign of defeat. If so, please try not to think like that. You have just carried two beautiful healthy babies into this world and no one will judge you for finding this process to be overwhelming. I reckon I would have struggled with only one baby but twins are the perfect excuse to be late, forget to do something, have an untidy house. It doesn’t matter. You’ve got twins to look after. I’m sure things are different in Covid times but sure starts and other charities are there to support multiple families. Please speak to your health visitor who can refer you. I only wish I had done this . Sometimes it’s easier to accept help from a stranger who sees you at ‘your worst’ than a family member that you are desperately wanting to keep face for.

Lastly, just want to say congratulations and what I think you are doing for your babies has been amazing it really is one of the hardest things to do is to breastfeed premature twins.

Oh and so glad I discovered Mumsnet. The advice you will get on here is fantastic. And I also find myself relating to loads of posts I read (like yours!!) Really reassures me that I'm completely normal, however alone I feel!

Everything you describe here is normal. I actually don’t think you sound depressed just exhausted. Please seek breastfeeding support from NCT or La Lache League. Breastfeeding is extremely hard work in the
early days and that’s with one baby, trust me you’re super woman doing it with two.
Although it’s bleak right now it WILL get better I promise. I would personally stop expressing and just feed the babies on demand from the breast but you need to get professional help for their latching to make sure they’ll be getting enough milk.

You will not feel like this forever. You are not alone. Everyone’s relationship goes through the mill. Your DP loves you more now than ever before, he is not going to abandon you he’s just tired and overwhelmed too.

You are absolutely everything to both your babies and they absolutely need nobody but you. You are perfect for them and everything they want and need. Being something’s everything is actually a hard deal but they would absolutely not be better off without you.

If you’re having reflux / issues with formula please explore the possibility of cows milk and other allergies / intolerance with professionals.

Can you buy in any practical support? I had help from a doula for both of mine and I didn’t even have twins. Even if you’re breastfeeding they can keep you fed, do jobs in the house like tidying, washing your sheets etc, and are an emotional support too. Google doula uk.
You can do a search by area and if you message one you like who isn’t available you could ask her to put a message out on a local doula board to find out who is available

At the beginning with my eldest I thought she would of been taken off me by social services in the first week, I cried every two seconds. I couldn't get this out my head. All I can reiterate is this will pass, things will get better if you feel worse or this continues seek help from your midwives, you still have all these hormones settling themselves down too remember. A close relative felt the same and told me they contemplated leaving their baby with me as she felt she was doing a rubbish job, this passed too. You are not alone in these feelings. They are not the truth though you sound like you are doing an excellent job

Don't fall under the pressure thinking that you should be having a great time right now, having fully recovered physically, totally adapted to bring a mum, coping gracefully with sleep deprivation, and knowing all the details of what you should do with your baby.

This is the media experience of life as a new mum. The real life experience is exactly what you are going through. It takes time to adjust to your new life and the reality us that it's going to be tough, very tough, but you will gradually get used to it being so and most important, the joy and happiness that your babies will bring will make it all worth it.

Seek all the help you can and don't put yourself under any pressure, just take it one day at a time.

You've still got baby blues and it is very, very hard being in the immediate post partum phase at the best of times, and I can't imagine what it must be like with twins.

I cried solidly from a few days after I gave birth until I was about 2 weeks post partum and then gradually began to feel better by week 3.

By week 8 I was actually enjoying it!

If it helps, when I had my first I felt like this. I remember 3 weeks in thinking, why did I have children? Sleep deprivation is a form of torture and will put a massive strain on you. I also breastfed my third baby successfully, and it’s so easy now..but the first 10 weeks I’d say, were hard. Cluster feeding, constantly feeling needed by someone, touched out..can your partner put one baby in a sling and carry the other one for half
Hour while you have a cup of tea and a bit of time to yourself? Xx

oh my lovely I wish I could give you a hug - you have two new babies and you are doing so well.
to everyone on this thread - it is wonderful to read all the support

Ah @coralpig I couldn’t read and run!
I can not echo enough what PP have said.

To show some solidarity and hopefully make you feel less alone in this I had my first 8months ago....

.... third degree tear so also experienced a lot of bleeding and feeling like my body wasn’t my own - I got so constipated I had to go back to hospital for manual intervention! I then got out on so many laxatives I was basically fecally incontinent. I spent weeks sat on incontinence pads for fear of destroying our sofa with an unexpected sneeze. I can laugh about it now but at the time it was anything but funny. It was traumatic and I felt horrendous - I was diagnosed with PTSD from my labour and referred into perinatal specialists for mental health.

...I too have previous mental health concerns. I was so on edge looking for PND but in the end it wasn’t there. It was the normal post natal rollercoaster but it’s great you are aware and I wanted to say not to be anxious if you can about the support that comes. Make sure if you do make the call to specify you want a peri natal specialist. These are the most wonderful people who are specially trained to help in our cases. I also didn’t want to jump on the cbt train (I actually specifically stated for me it didn’t work and the therapist used other methods to help me. I completely credit her with allowing me to enjoy my mat leave amidst a pandemic as she helped me get my head straight!)

...I have in the last 8 months looked at my husband (and partner of 15 years) and at least once a week thought “you’re such a knob” and in the first few months, no matter how much he helped or what he did I frequently considered cleaning the loo with his toothbrush because we were bickering so much. You’re both knackered, fuses have never been shorter. Advice we were given was to find a safeword, something silly you can both say if it’s getting too much (pineapple, codswallop, etc!) then when one of you calls it you both try and diffuse things and make time and space to talk.
Don’t get me wrong the first few times it made me want to scream but it worked for us with a bit of practice.

Congratulations on your babies - a friend of mine has twins and I’m in absolute awe of mums of multiples because frankly it’s fucking hard with one, I can’t imagine 2!!
You are not alone in this, you’re welcome to message me direct if you want to chat at all. X

Your feelings are completely normal, nobody talks about it though as nobody wants to admit it.

I had a baby only a few months ago. I didn't feel like he was mine, I don't think I loved him either. It felt like I was looking after someone else's baby and I didn't dare tell anyone. Then one day I went to pick him up out of his crib and all of a sudden I knew I loved him and he loved me.

You've been through such a large operation and are still in the very early stages of healing. On top of this you've now got 2 babies to care for who require constant attention.

Please be kind to yourself, you're doing an amazing job.

Hello, I’m a mum of multiples (more than one set). The first four weeks are amazingly hard. I promise you this will settle down. The babies will get into a routine and feeling will be easier. Have you got a special twin breast feeding cushion? The peanut and piglet is amazing. I couldn’t have tandem fed without it. You can normally find one second hand on the twin selling pages on Facebook. If you buy new they hold their value.

Are you health visitors coming? If so have they referred to breast feeding team? They were helpful (although it’s very different feeding multiples to a singleton).

Can you send your husband to buy some nice ready meals? We never eat ready meals but for the first four weeks they were my friend.

Join some multiple Facebook groups. Fabulous for support. There is a specific breastfeeding one which is full of really experienced parents with really helpful advice who have all fed either twins or triplets.

The main thing is to let things go at the moment. As long as you and the babies are fed, warm and safe nothing else matters. My top tip is to get into some comfy, easy feeding clothes and get a good box set. Get latching and feeding established and don’t worry about anything else.

If the bf problem is that they are a bit small to latch well/feed efficiently (BTDT), that will change, but if you have a good latch now then, all other things being equal, they do tend to get more direct than from expressing. I'd probably be looking at whether they are well and content overall (wee and poo, colour and conistency of poo, general demeanour) than how many grams they're gaining at this stage. Have you been given specific 'targets'? How were their births weights in relation to their gestation? Have you looked at kellymom? They have a guide to average and acceptable weight gain for bf babies. And I would definitely be speaking to a bf line or lactation consultant.

The feeding little and often thing is utterly exhausting, but also very, very, very normal.

As far as 'fairness' goes, I feel a bit angry with your dh, tbh - right now is about you and the babies, not about which grandparent 'gets a turn' when. If you were better able to be around your mother than your MIL right now, so be it, frankly. Any mileage in getting your HV/MW to have a word with him along those lines, if you feel you can't?

I could of written this 8 years ago

I had a premature baby. That was on a very strict feeding cycle. My milk never came in. We had daily weighing. If they didn’t put on weight in the week we were forced to the pead drs. I was told to wake and feed every 3 hours. But mine didn’t want to wake! Oh I was a mess. I did everything they told me. I stripped them. I did all that and I just ended up crying. Because of how small they were everyone wanted to look at them. I would freeze. I hated it. I nearly died. I was very unwell and spent nearly a year in hospital. But those first two weeks. Oh my goodness.

You’ve got hormones rushing all over your body. You’re sleep deprived. You’ve got peen babies. Which adds in more stress. To get that weight on. To keep them out of hospital. You’ve got midwifes. You’ve got Heath visitors. You’ve got pead drs.

My saving grace ended up being my pead dr. I broke down to her. My health visitor kept ringing me. If I didn’t go in to get her weighed every other day. She’d ring me and tel me I HAD to see the pead dr. Eventually I just broke. My pead dr said just don’t get her weighed anymore. I’ll vouch for you. I’ll tell them that we will be weighing them and i outrank them.

After that it was bliss. But that was about 14 months down the line. Prem babies are so much different to a normal weight baby.

If you ever need a friendly ear. I’m here xx

You poor woman! This brought back memories of post partum stress and anxiety and feeding difficulties/ daily midwife visits etc

I only had one baby!

Just hang in there. The babies will gain weight and they will be fine

With all the stress your body has been through, don't feel that you have to BF if it's causing Even more anxiety. Fed is best

Firstly as a Mom to 11 month old twins I just want to send you a massive massive hug. This feeling of being overwhelmed with so much neediness is perfectly normal.

It s very early days.
Get some help.as was said.
Pay for whatever you can. Meals, a nanny for a few hours a week, a cleaner. You have twins!!!

Soeak to h v maybe there is homestart support?

Sending hugs to you! You’re doing a great job and as everyone else has said it will get easier. Take all the help you can get and sod the housework!

I SO wanted children, have always been very maternal but I sometimes feel like they’d be better off with a different mum. They wouldn't. You're doing an amazing job. Just because it's hard and shit sometimes doesn't mean you aren't doing brilliantly. It's hard to explain to people who did one or the other but expressing and bottle feeding is so much extra work and then twins... I lasted just over 4 weeks because I have awful supply and I just wanted to get them to term on my milk. Formula all the way from then and one of those machines that makes the bottles. God my brain is mush.

It will get easier, but probably not yet so please please do get help, speak to DH, join any twins groups you can (of you're not on FB I'd join just for that purpose), reach out to other Mom friends for advice. Just keep talking, it's crap being in lockdown because people can't just come and do stuff for / with you.

Lack of sleep is torturous but they will eat less often, sleep longer, poop less, want to touch you less.

You will get there

Awww poor you OP. It’s brutal the first few weeks and that’s with one. The vast majority on here will tell you the same.

One minute you can please yourself, go for a meal, have a early night and get a full nights sleep etc... then you give birth and your life becomes unrecognisable. Absolutely knackered all the time, wonder how you’re ever going to find the time to shower again, grab anything that’s edible because your time is filled with feeding, winding, changing, try to get them to sleep, trying to get the rest of the house tidy etc... 24/7.

It’s a shock to the system and overwhelming really. Your experience is twice as hard as the majority of mothers.

You’re doing a great job, even though you don’t feel like that now.

One of mines at secondary school now and the other is in juniors so I can tell you that it does get easier, I promise.

As the weeks go on you’ll start realising that it’s you that knows what they want over and above the midwife/health visitor.

As hard as it is right now, when they’re older they’ll entertain each other and that will be the positive trade off for how difficult it is now.

My best friend has twins (11 now) and she said it was so difficult at the beginning, she didn’t think she could manage. Yet now they’re 11 shes broody for another!

The love grows and grows as the weeks go on and when you see their smiles, you’ll melt I bet. Then it’ll click.

Good luck OP xx

@coralpig, you are probably the most exhausted you have ever been. Be kind to yourself. It's very important to remind yourself that this is temporary, and it will get better.
Don't give up on formula altogether from one bad experience. You might need the rest that some Ff will provide. Speak to your gp.
As far as your mil goes, relax and be yourself. It doesn't matter what she thinks and if she has any decency she will support you completely.