Two weeks postpartum- to regret having children

[coralpig]

I gave birth to twins 2 weeks ago and I’m really struggling. Without sharing too much:

• they were slightly premature and struggled to latch. Inspite of a good milk supply from me they lost a lot of weight and we had nearly daily midwife visits to weigh them which were very stressful.
• I’m finding the demands of taking care of them extremely difficult. DH has been very hands on but we’ve been arguing amongst ourselves which is unusual for us and both a sleep deprived mess. We tried some formula and it really didn’t agree with them and we all ended up in hospital for a night so that’s not really an option.
• when I look at them I sometimes feel like they’re gorgeous but not mine. I resent how reliant they are on me. They are on a strict feeding plan involving 3 hourly breastfeeding, offering a bottle of Expressed milk and then expressing. I’ve been slowly working on tandem feeding but it’s hard as one is much bigger than the other and one is currently cluster feeding and wants to be on me. I keep being presented with a baby who needs something.
• my physical recovery from birth isn’t great. I had an emergency section (was meant to be a planned one but I went into labour early). My bleeding was initially very light but is now much much heavier. Filling pads every few hours with blood everywhere. The area around my lower tummy and incision is all bumpy and extremely itchy. I think I might have hives. I also have haemorrhoids and need to have a tooth extracted next week. I feel like my whole body has given up on me. I’ve been told the bleeding is normal as I’m feeding so much but it’s debilitating as I sometimes I can’t get off the sofa from feeding and need to change a pad and I worry about leaking.
• I have very complex family issues that are rearing their head and that’s causing issues with my DP and immense worries about the future.

I’ve found myself looking

Bless you, the early days are so hard and that's without having twins. My friend had twins and it was so hard for her, she also had issues with feeding (at term, they weren't premature) and had to supplement with formula.

• The feed/top up/express cycle is brutal, and that was just with a single baby. They should train the SAS on it because it is hell. You need to make sure you express at night but I would drop it down to a couple of times and give formula if you can find one that suits. I found that exhaustion makes the milk supply drop and it got better when I actually got some sleep.

• Try a different formula if you need to. One of mine was more colicky with formula than breast milk but it settled down after 8-10 weeks. Normal formulas have the same ingredients but the consistency can be different. Or there are the anti-reflux or lactose free/anti-allergenic formulas if there is an issue with reflux, lactose or CMPA.

• If they are colicky, Dr Browns bottles helped.

It is very hard having tiny babies as they often don't feed well, especially if they've been poorly or tiny enough to have time in SCBU.

• Make sure you get your c-section scar checked, they can get infected. It is major surgery, especially with an emergency one.

I have 6 kids (I must be mental!)
I’ve always said that I wish women could give birth,have a fortnight off to recover and then dive in to look after their babies
Twins must be doubly tough-everything your going through is normal but times 2
You will get through this and look back with a mix of pride and horror
(I know I do)
Have you got anyone who could be an extra pair of hands?
Just having someone to put a wash on or make a cuppa helped me massively
You also need to go easy on yourself and maybe see a gp
You really can’t pour from an empty cup

Sorry I haven’t read the whole thread but really latch: please get someone competent and qualified to check for tongue tie and consider seeing a lactation consultant privately if you need to. Don’t just suffer with pumping and schedules. It doesn’t fix the problem and I don’t think regular midwives or hvs are particularly helpful in these situations.

OH OP my heart goes out. I haven't RTFT but didn't want to read and run

I have BF twins. Its HARD. I did it though, partly becasue I already had one baby and had BF ok so I knwo what I was doing up to a point ;-)

My advice is firstly to speak to someone who really knows what they are talking about - midwives DON"T always know about BFing and only get short training, and won't know about twins.

I did breasfteed successfully but I must stress that I didn't try and feed to a schedule, adn I really didn't try and express. With one baby expressing was hard enough as it never gets as much out as a baby who has learnt to latch properly. It also takes much longer, and is much more effort. You are no likely to get enough out easily. Much better to try and sort the latch and technique out.

Please contact La Leche League or your local breastfeeding gruop, or if you can afford it a breastfeeding consultant. You can try lots of different hold to find whihc suits - have you tried the 'rugby hold'? You need someone to help you get set up with cushions supporting both babies for this.

Also tehre aren't any 'rules' fro BFing twins - people will tell you all sorts of stuff about which boob to do first, what schedule, whether to do both at once or not. The answer depends on you. I often did one at a time - which was also great for bonding with each baby. I did crack both at once and did that too; in lots of different positions.

I spent a lot of time in bed with them feeding. I managed my expectations about getting out with them (basically I only attempted one thing per day - baby group, post office, doctors, supermarket - only one of them). I ate loads - hunger appeared from nowhere when they were feeding well. I had a lunch at 11.30, and another at 2pm! Never sit down to feed without water too.

And get a referral for postnatal depression if possible.
Best of luck

How do you get on with your GP? Ask for a double appointment and really talk over all the problems with him/her. Your prior MH history should be an indicator for further support.

I found an organisation on Google called Twins Trust who run support groups for families with multiple births. I hope there is a group near you. twinstrust.org

It is really tough at first and you are definitely not alone in feeling like this - keep going through the exhaustion and it will gradually improve. Post birth bleeding and pain is awful, constant breastfeeding not much fun, the lack of sleep is crippling...and that's with just one baby!

I sometimes think the more the baby is wanted the harder it can be, as parents put pressure on themselves to enjoy every minute when in reality it is much as you describe.

You do need help though. Can you meet others at a baby group or a twin support group? These things should be restarting now lockdown is over. Breastfeeding groups are great as you can turn up in a right mess and everyone is nice to you. Take any practical help offered - cooking, doing laundry etc. If relatives stay, make sure they are helpful and not too annoying - if they are more trouble than help, don't let them come.

Be kind to yourself and to DH.

Oh my gosh. That sounds really tough OP and not surprising at all that you feel that way - especially after having twins and it sounds like not a straightforward birth or feeding experience!

I don't have kids of my own but have much younger twin brothers and I remember how it was when they were born. My mum always used to say it's definitely more than twice as hard as having one! I can't imagine any parents getting through having twins without some scrapes on the way. It's really difficult and actually kind of traumatic in some ways - my mum struggled so much too! But now of course we are all glad they're here and love them, but there were times my parents were just at their wits end.

I hope you get through this too and remember it's not always going to be this bad. If you're really struggling go to your GP about some emotional support.

Thank you so much for the kindness and encouragement. I’ve contacted my health visitor who is going to discuss a referral to perinatal services and also contacted gp who has seen my rash and said that it’s likely an allergic reaction to my dressing or the iodine that was used in labour. Got up feeling quite positive and proactive but now DH is in a bad mood saying he is really unhappy about what was discussed yesterday when I shared this all with him including the depths of how I was feeling. He’s being really off and said he can’t help his mood. I’m finding it really hard not get sucked down into the low mood again seeing him like this as I kind of expected a more positive response from him seeing as I let him sleep from 4-9 then told him about the referral (he’s been begging me to get help). I’ve tried to give him his space but he keeps saying he woke up on the wrong side of the bed and is very upset about what I discussed with him last night. I’ve gone to another room now to express and said I would give him space.

Sorry to hear your DP isn't supporting you well OP. I'd ring Twins Trust helpline if oyu can

0800 138 0509

Email Twinline:
[email protected]

Also If your DP has a friend or sibling can you confide in them that he needs some support and hopefully hint that they could give him a head wobble on supporting you.

I'm going to say again about the expressing being counter productive. If I had to deal with this again I would r get some proper help on latching on and if that didn't work I'd be bottle feeding - with a few different bottles and formulas.. I don't know anyone (I know lots of other twin mums) who successfully expressed.

When MIL comes one thing she could do is take one twin out at a time to allow you to bond individually. The reminder of one being dealt with and the other screaming next to me is giving me flashbacks!

Also re: changing. I foudn doing it next to me on the bed easier on the back

@coralpig you'll get there - two weeks is so early. I was a crashing hormonal mess 2 weeks pp this year and that was with my second baby (c section as well but a single baby!)

I have the absolute utmost respect for anyone managing twins!

Some ideas

• can you get a postnatal doula or cleaner or nanny to help (££ I know)
• the bleeding should ease off soon so that should help
• DPs can struggle after birth too. Mine is the absolute most hands on you could ask for and will happily take the baby on his own if I have plans (he did the whole overnight with the baby when I came out of hospital while I slept as I had a mini breakdown) but he really struggles with lack of sleep or unsoothable crying and just doesn't have the patience I do. Also normal to argue a lot as you're both running on empty
• there will be a formula your babies can tolerate if you can't keep up with the expressing, even if you have to go hydrolysed/lactose free. If your milk hadn't come in you would have found sth to feed them with the hospital's support if necc
• as you and your babies are in the fourth trimester make sure you aren't expecting to do anything other than meet their needs for the next few weeks. Get Cook meals or something else easy but nourishing. Reach out for support from friends if you can. I wish I had told people how bad I was feeling after DD1 so you've already done better than me!

You've got this

There's loads of good advice on here, so I don't feel I need to add anything, other than to say do not worry (or even think) about Christmas! This year, Christmas Day will be just another day for you with two tiny babies, so please don't feel that you need to be Christmas shopping or cooking or any of the usual things. Just concentrate on getting through each day, one day at a time!

Having a baby is never a picnic. And dealing with twins would be very overwelming. Fix what you can and accept what you cant. It has only been 3 weeks. The first weeks are the roughest. Youll soon enough be a pro.

Accept that your body doesnt belong to you at the moment and wont be for a while. Try not to resent them for being so needy. They depend on you. But do make it as easy as you can when it comes to feeding op.

Cut some corners where you can to preserve you mh. Talk about your feelings with dp and make sure to get a good cry or scream in every now and then.

It is ok not to be ok.

But trust me. Weve all been there. Your world has been turned upside and inside out. It is haaaard. But will only gey easier
Everyday that you cross off, is one day closer to when things become easier. X

I can see you have had lots of support here already but I wanted to chime in that you are not alone. I don't have much experience with pnd but I will say at the moment everything you have said sounds completely normal. I once stood at the side of the cot at 2 in the morning shouting 'I don't know what you want!' To my inconsolable baby. DP had to steer me out of the room and take over. I promise you it does get easier. Breastfeeding is so rewarding eventually but it is also incredibly challenging. It took me 3 solid weeks to get a single baby to correctly latch. I am in awe of anyone that feeds twins. I'm told by my friend that positioning them on a breast feeding pillow 'like rugby balls' was the easiest way for her to achieve the double latch but it takes time to establish.

Please don't be hard on yourself or your relationship. Millions of couples survive this tumultuous time and there's no reason to think yours won't. Be kind to yourself and allow your feelings. Spend as much time as you can resting and worry about the rest later. Babies change constantly. You will get stuck in a rut and just as you think you can't cope they change again.

You're doing phenomenally well. Be proud of what you have accomplished.

Op you sound very positive and proactive. It doesn't sound like your DP is in a very good place. Whilst not wanting to make excuses for crap men, I think it's very common for men to find the early days very difficult. They do not have the stamina that women do, nor the hormones to help with surviving the sleeplessness. Don't take anything he says at the moment too seriously.

How’s the tooth op ?
I don’t take dental issues well so have been thinking of you x

Your DP , well just steer clear for today frankly
Gah 😣

You're amazing. I feel exhausted just reading what you've written!
Just to address a few issues you raised:

1. The constant weighing and midwife visits are horrendous. I remember resenting them so much. All you want to do is chill but, no, you have to have a stranger in your house and you have to get your baby undressed and it's so tiring. Hopefully that is over now. It's utter shit. Well done for getting through.
2. The arguments. Totally normal in my opinion. Me and my husband have had vicious arguments, unlike anything we ever had before, in those early days. Just think how tired you both are. It's perfectly understandable that tempers are frayed
3. The feeding schedule. I have one four month old and a toddler. I am exclusively breastfeeding the baby and I am exhausted! It's relentless. You are doing the double the work! You're just amazing. I found week three to be awful, and I wanted to give up, but after that it slowly for more manageable. You have it so hard at the moment, but it will get easier. If you need to switch to formula, do it. No guilt.
4. Your body. I should imagine giving birth is like being in a car crash! It's perfectly normal to feel like you've lost yourself. Be kind to yourself...you went through a massive procedure a really short time ago. Don't hesitate to see the doctor if necessary. I left it too long with my first and ended up with an infection!
5. Your feelings of the babies not being yours...this could be postnatal depression. Speak to someone. You won't be judged and help is available.

I am sending you a massive hug. If you happen to live in South Manchester, I am up for a socially distanced walk/coffee/playdate whenever you feel up to it. xx

So I’m just chiming in for an update. OP is me as I named changed.
Things got much worse:

• the excessive bleeding which was dismissed as normal by midwives turned out to be a sign of infection which developed into sepsis. I was admitted to hospital 5 days after I wrote the first post and was very very ill. It took months to recover and I nearly needed surgery.
• the itching turned out to be a plaster allergy to my c section dressing. Never had one before but it developed during pregnancy.
• the extracted tooth ended up getting infected and I had dry socket. It was agonisingly awfully painful.
• the family issues got much worse too and I am now NC with my mother. We had death threats.
• I had severe PND and made serious plans to end my life. I had support from the community mental health team.
• DH struggled a lot too but we worked through our issues.
• BUT things ended up getting better, the twins are now one and thriving and totally wonderful. I love being a twin mum but my gosh that was a hard year.

Thank you for all the support

Oh wow OP you've been through so much. My DD has just turned 2 and I can remember the trauma of the early days so vividly, but it doesn't even come close to what you experienced with sepsis etc. So glad you and your DH have managed to work things out and you are now enjoying your lovely babies ❤️

@charmingbat you are amazing and I’m so pleased to read your update. Sorry you went through so much.