Two weeks postpartum- to regret having children

[coralpig]

I gave birth to twins 2 weeks ago and I’m really struggling. Without sharing too much:

• they were slightly premature and struggled to latch. Inspite of a good milk supply from me they lost a lot of weight and we had nearly daily midwife visits to weigh them which were very stressful.
• I’m finding the demands of taking care of them extremely difficult. DH has been very hands on but we’ve been arguing amongst ourselves which is unusual for us and both a sleep deprived mess. We tried some formula and it really didn’t agree with them and we all ended up in hospital for a night so that’s not really an option.
• when I look at them I sometimes feel like they’re gorgeous but not mine. I resent how reliant they are on me. They are on a strict feeding plan involving 3 hourly breastfeeding, offering a bottle of Expressed milk and then expressing. I’ve been slowly working on tandem feeding but it’s hard as one is much bigger than the other and one is currently cluster feeding and wants to be on me. I keep being presented with a baby who needs something.
• my physical recovery from birth isn’t great. I had an emergency section (was meant to be a planned one but I went into labour early). My bleeding was initially very light but is now much much heavier. Filling pads every few hours with blood everywhere. The area around my lower tummy and incision is all bumpy and extremely itchy. I think I might have hives. I also have haemorrhoids and need to have a tooth extracted next week. I feel like my whole body has given up on me. I’ve been told the bleeding is normal as I’m feeding so much but it’s debilitating as I sometimes I can’t get off the sofa from feeding and need to change a pad and I worry about leaking.
• I have very complex family issues that are rearing their head and that’s causing issues with my DP and immense worries about the future.

I’ve found myself looking

Oh and I had terrible feeding issues too. I ended up switching to mainly feeding with expressed milk and formula to allow my nipples to heal, then got dd slowly back on the breast as I healed. It was a ridiculous amount of work and pain and I do sometimes regret not just switching to formula.

Sweetie, Talk to your midwife/heath visitor about formula TODAY.
it will make you life so much more livable. There will be one that suits them

If I lived near you i'd be there in a heartbeat to help you through.

it will be worth it

Sorry, I was going to add, if you feel like this still in a couple of weeks time do talk to your doctor.

I’ll say what the others have said - it will get better. My baby is ten weeks, so those initial stages are quite fresh in my mind (although I’ve only got one baby to contend with! I think you’re doing wonderfully!)

From a practical level regarding your fear of leaking: tell your DH to go to the shop and buy you some high absorbency Tena lady pants. I only discovered them with my third baby, and they’re a bit of a game changer in terms of peace of mind. I didn’t leak once, despite bleeding heavily. However, I didn’t have a c-section, so can’t be certain they’d be comfy on your scar, but certainly worth a try!

I think in those first weeks, when you’re bleeding, and constantly covered in sick, and your milk is leaking all over you, and you smell a bit funny (I did! 😂), your body feels completely alien. This sensation will pass.

With regards to the feeding, I would certainly seek specialist help from a breastfeeding professional. Unfortunately, midwives, health visitors and GPs often know very little on the subject, and give out incorrect advice. I’m not saying you’ve been told anything wrong, but it’s worth getting someone who really knows their stuff to come and see if there’s any way to make feeding easier.

I think it might be worth considering letting your DH read through this thread. I think it’s easy for the father to completely underestimate just how difficult it is to be a new mother. If he’s talking about “fairness” in terms of your respective mothers’ visits, then he obviously doesn’t quite grasp what you’re going through. Two weeks after twins arrive is not the time to raise such trivial but tricky matters. All that matters at the moment is that you receive the help you want and need. Whatever YOU want right now must take priority. Bollocks to fairness.

Best wishes to you, OP. It sounds as though you’re doing wonderfully well, even though you may not feel like it. And all the other PPs are right - you absolutely will feel so much better in time. Your babies are lucky to have you.

Have you spoken to your midwife and/or GP how you feel? It's not uncommon to feel low post partum with the hormonal crash but I would raise it to see if you can get some support for your mental health.

other than that - I really struggled with my first (non sleeper) and went through a difficult patch but it will get better. You are still healing from birth, it takes a while until BF is fully established (my nipples killed me for the first month on top).

I have 2 friends who EBF twins. It can be done but I think you need some proper breast feeding support as well. Is anything locally available.

Morning @TrashKitten10 another twin mum here, mine turned 1 last month. You are not alone, I certainly felt like you are now. After many raging arguments hubby and I agreed to wipe the slate clean of anything we said to each other in the first 12 months!
It’s so so so so hard at first and even though it’s still hard now it’s WONDERFUL! Expressing is temporary (even though I did it for a year), that level of sleep deprivation is temporary, the arguing is temporary and you will soon be head over heels with your new life.
Talk to your Dr or midwife about your feelings, they are amazing and will spot any signs of PPD and help you through it.

You can message me any time if you need a chat/advice. Messaging friends got me through it because I found out that all new mums are struggling.

Lots of love to the 4 of you xx

It’s so hard those first few weeks & the sleep deprivation makes everyone snap at each other I think
Things will get easier as routines get established, I am a twin mum & it was so hard to get my girls to feed for the first few weeks, they didn’t wake for feeds like their brothers did & they needed to get the weight on much more. I had 2 chunky single babies previous who would wake for feeding on demand & then to have the tiny babies that would not demand but need waking was very hard, a couple of months in it was all a distant memory of how hard it was.
Try & express as much as possible to see if you can get a break, I promise it gets more manageable.

It sounds as though you’re doing amazing. One thing stands out - it sounds as though you’re carrying the emotional baggage of your husband too. At two weeks postpartum you shouldn’t be worrying or aware of his ‘stress’ with your mum (if you find her presence genuinely helpful). He can take himself off for a walk and sort his own head out with that. The priority right now is YOU and whatever helps you. Please please don’t have your MIL come and stay out of fairness. I did that and our relationship has never been the same and I hold so much resentment about it. You need people around that you feel 100% comfortable with and can get support from. Show your husband these messages and get him on board. If you’re at a cross roads of ‘crap mental health but very situation dependent’ and ‘full blown mental breakdown’ then a sulking husband because of your mum’s presence or a stay from a MIL could definitely push you down the latter.

These aren’t battles you should be having now and you shouldn’t be aware of these tensions. Everyone needs to be supporting you. And it sounds like you’re doing absolutely amazing with the breastfeeding, but don’t lose sight of the big picture. If you can find some way to give even one formula top-up in 24 hours it might just give you that little bit of respite you need to recover some head space. When you’re breastfeeding twins that won’t affect your supply!

If you do decide to try formula again I would try the anti-reflux formula for the smaller twin, I mix fed my DD with formula and expressed milk and she always kept the anti-reflux milk down, whereas with the BM she usually regurgitated at least part of each feed.

Oh lord OP

As someone once said , Birth is like a car crash and then afterwards you have no recovery time and have to look after TWO newborns
Two sweet Jesus
Plus tooth
Plus life

It’s hard as fuck . Promise me if you feel your MH is even vaguely wobbly you will see a GP and be open to their suggestions ?

And it’s hard . The newborn times are brutal with just one

See a kind GP and acess every bit of help you can

It’s totally normal to feel this way

Omg , you poor thing! I'm so sorry to say it is completely bloody normal .
First of all congratulate yourself on keeping them both alive for two weeks! I thought I was superwoman for doing it all with just one!

It does get easier but not going to lie- first six months are so hard.

Take any help you can get and get as much sleep as you possibly can.

I’ve got twins and honestly those first 3 months were so overwhelming and exhausting, I thought I wouldn’t survive it. But day by day it does get easier. By 4 months everything was so much brighter. Mine were also premature (by 2 months) which adds a lot of stress. Have you joined the breastfeeding twins uk Facebook group? It’s a brilliant support and really helped me to keep going with breastfeeding. Do talk to your GP or midwife, the earlier you can get support the better. Take whatever help is offered, even if it’s just someone taking them out for a walk so you can have a snooze. Twins is such a different situation to a single baby so never compare to friends with one baby. With twins it is about doing what you can in those first months.

This is just so normal after giving birth. I remember as if it was yesterday - it was 40 years ago - and thinking what the fuck have I done, I'm stuck with this thing for ever.
Just a week ago I was pregnant but going about my business as a normal person on my own - now I have prams, carriers, bottles (didn't breast feed) a screaming baby that keeps me awake all night, I'm knackered and my life is over. Cried a lot.
It gets better that's all I can say - this is just a temporary situation and it will end.
This time in 5 years you will all be celebrating christmas as a family having had a wonderful nights sleep.
With twins doubly so.

Also remember that
Your toothache
His back ache
Your MH
Is all
Massively impacted by no sleep
It’s a killer

If you have known and LT mental health don’t rule out medication 💊

I started sertrqline and it’s been great

Sometimes getting counselling is too much stress and time . But let GP assess that , there is no shame in it

Itching scar plus heavier bleeding may be indicative of an infection so please get a GP appointment to check that out

Hi OP.

I felt like you. I felt like things would never be normal again. I thought I would never feel normal again. I had health issues too and I also just felt disgusting, not helped by leaking down there, leaking boobs, itchy skin (eczema flares), night sweats.
I never ever thought I would be able to function outside my house or even get dressed properly or ever get sleep.
You WILL. You will get through this. It's so so tough. Don't be afraid of formula - it was so hard at first as he wouldn't take it but it helped me get him into a good routine.
You can do this.

I’m 8w post partum w second and still thinking I shouldn’t have had kids as it is bloody difficult.

It will get better especially as you recover physically - and I remember so much bleeding the first time. I think having to look after tiny babies while physically recovering is a very bad idea from nature/ our society. One of those things on their own would be enough. You’re doing great in tough circumstances.

This isn’t the time for ‘’fairness’ by the way. I wouldn’t want my MIL around if I’m sitting there with my breasts out most of the day as I struggle with different latches and a pump, sitting on my ring cushion and worrying that I’m bleeding though my clothes. Especially as she is the sort that would need cups of tea made rather than offering to make me one. So if you can push back on that, do. Your first obligation is to yourself and your twins here, only then to your partner and for the moment, no one else counts.

I have twins and felt exactly like this. My twins were very much wanted children born after years of fertility treatment but I remember googling things like “when will I start enjoying parenting”.
I’m not going to lie, it probably took a year as they did not sleep great at all. I breastfed them until 7 weeks and moved to formula then as it was just consuming my life, I still carry a lot of guilt for that but I know it was the right choice at the time.
I did find it for a bit easier when my DH went back to work, although I was dreading that before it happened, if allowed me to get into my own routine.
I would keep an eye on the bleeding though, I bled a lot and ended up having to go back to hospital with an infection due to retained placenta (I had a section too).
My advice would be- don’t listen to anyone who only has 1 baby or even 2 children close in age. They all mean well but they really don’t understand what it’s like to have newborn twins and will only cause you annoyance, smile and nod. Try to have a sleep during the day if you can, even get your partner to take them for a walk in the pram as soon as you feed and you know they will sleep and put your head down for an hour. I did stuck to a strict feeding schedule too and always woke the other twin if one woke to feed. Looking back I’m not sure if that was best, if one shows signs of sleeping more I would probably leave them now (bit young yet but maybe from 8 weeks or so). Try your very best to start putting them down to sleep awake rather than fed to sleep, doesn’t seem too important now but ultimately it will save you so much stress if they learn how to settle without the breast. I ended up with 2 one year olds who needed rocked to sleep for naps and bedtime and I literally was ready to run away due to it.
Honestly it’s not easy, and in ways it gets harder but the totally dependent newborn days are so so tough but in the blink of an eye they will be grown. Good luck x

The way you are feeling is absolutely normal. We have in our heads that when baby arrives we will know exactly what to do and be head over heels in love instantly and just be happy all the time. The reality is, when your baby is born, you don't really know them, and they cry, eat, and crap a lot and stop you sleeping. Those first few sleep deprived weeks are a testing time for anyone, but you've got double trouble!
You are doing an absolutely amazing job even attempting to breastfeed two babies, I bf mine single babies, I can't even imagine how you do it with two. I'm pretty sure the hospital can advise on topping up with a suitable formula just to give you a break, your body can only do so much and you need to give yourself a breather.
Please be kind to yourself, accept any help that you can, and congratulations on your babies op, you won't feel like this forever I promise

You poor sod. This sounds absolutely brutal. I've no experience of twins but I'm another one who is here to say that it's brutal at first but then gets better.

I've had two csections- first one I bounced back from, second one I thought my body was broken forever.

Two years on, I'm actually fitter than I have been in years.

I say this as someone who has breastfed two babies into toddlerhood- in your shoes I don't think I'd get hung up on expressing. I have expressed myself and found it just about manageable for one, and that was after 6 weeks pp and with a very good supply. It really takes it out of you in a way that straight BF doesn't. I'd contact La Leche League or your local Surestart breastfeeding support group, though actually your best bet atm is probably a breastfeeding twins Facebook group, as someone else said. But after a certain point I think I'd be supplementing or switching to formula
You can mix feed if needs be- there are a lot of people who mix feed very successfully.

Also I definitely think you should see your GP re PND. And something for your refluxy baby.

Don't be afraid to ask people to stay away if they're more help than a hindrance and if you just want peace though.

My scar was also lumpy and awful too, I found that a few baths with a big scoop of salt in it really helped.

Hi OP this sounds really stressful. Hope you are doing better this morning. Breastfeeding twins is really difficult. The twin who is tandem feeding can help bring in the milk for the smaller twin. Keep a regular eye on them to check they are eating enough. My friends son had reflux and she spent a lot of time with him in a soft material baby sling to keep him upright so that gravity could help the milk go down. Bring up the bleeding again if it doesn't calm down. You might need iron tablets. Keep drinking lots of fluids yourself to replace the fluids you loose through feeding. Expressing is really hard work. A breastfeeding consultant told me to try to express at least twice in the night as you make hormones in the night that increase your supply. At least the filing will be free under maternity exemption. Twins are hard. Breast feeding is hard. You sound like you are doing a great job. Ask your MIL to bring food(!) Good Luck

P.s. with the sling get some one else to wear the baby! DH?

I can totally relate to this and i only had 1. Its really difficult and i can assure you you'll be doing great. With bf'n don't put too much pressure on yourself, a fed baby is a happy baby and then maybe you won't feel like you are a slave to feeding them. Just to say its okay not to bf! Sending love

Hi op. I've been where you are.
When my twins were born everything just went to shit. I felt like I was living in hell or something.

I honestly felt I could die from the pain and sleep deprivation.

I hated and resented my dp as he just wasn't cut out for what we were experiencing and left me to do everything as he couldn't cope.

I had twins and a toddler and my every waking moment was to serve them. I felt trapped feeding my twins constantly and they didn't latch easily and were being weighed very frequently. My toddler craved my attention and it was heartbreaking to see her face when I said I need to feed the babies ( which was every fucking minute)

Long story short, they are 5 now and at school. I feel like we made it!

Things will get easier as they grow and you adapt to having twins.

Dp is a much better father now even though I still resent how he acted when they were newborn.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel op and don't ever be afraid to ask for help

I SO wanted children, have always been very maternal but I sometimes feel like they’d be better off with a different mum.

I remember saying this exact sentence when standing looking at my twins. It’s so overwhelming but I promise you it gets easier and in a few months those demanding little things will be making you laugh more than you ever imagine. Mine are now 9 but your post reminds me so much of those early days. I mix fed so had one bottle a day with formula mixed with breast milk to start with then reduced to just formula one time a day. Keep that to the same feed so you don’t affect your milk supply.

You’re their mummy and you are good enough. Twin groups are great because you don’t get the judgment you get at normal groups where I found they saw me struggling and watched in fascination as to how I’d manage rather than actually help (except one mad German lady who came and took a baby for me when both were screaming).

I worried they’d not be close to me as they had less individual attention compared to a single baby but they are such lovely cuddly girls I needn’t have worried so my advice is worry less. It’ll get better!