Two weeks postpartum- to regret having children

[coralpig]

I gave birth to twins 2 weeks ago and I’m really struggling. Without sharing too much:

• they were slightly premature and struggled to latch. Inspite of a good milk supply from me they lost a lot of weight and we had nearly daily midwife visits to weigh them which were very stressful.
• I’m finding the demands of taking care of them extremely difficult. DH has been very hands on but we’ve been arguing amongst ourselves which is unusual for us and both a sleep deprived mess. We tried some formula and it really didn’t agree with them and we all ended up in hospital for a night so that’s not really an option.
• when I look at them I sometimes feel like they’re gorgeous but not mine. I resent how reliant they are on me. They are on a strict feeding plan involving 3 hourly breastfeeding, offering a bottle of Expressed milk and then expressing. I’ve been slowly working on tandem feeding but it’s hard as one is much bigger than the other and one is currently cluster feeding and wants to be on me. I keep being presented with a baby who needs something.
• my physical recovery from birth isn’t great. I had an emergency section (was meant to be a planned one but I went into labour early). My bleeding was initially very light but is now much much heavier. Filling pads every few hours with blood everywhere. The area around my lower tummy and incision is all bumpy and extremely itchy. I think I might have hives. I also have haemorrhoids and need to have a tooth extracted next week. I feel like my whole body has given up on me. I’ve been told the bleeding is normal as I’m feeding so much but it’s debilitating as I sometimes I can’t get off the sofa from feeding and need to change a pad and I worry about leaking.
• I have very complex family issues that are rearing their head and that’s causing issues with my DP and immense worries about the future.

I’ve found myself looking

Oh OP, I felt the same and didn't believe anyone when they said it would get better! But it does. I would say if you feel some support would help, please do reach out. There are teams and professionals who specialise in postnatal mental health, and they understand and can help. That's odd about the formula, I am absolutely not saying you should stop BFing at all, it sounds like you are doing amazingly well, but for both to have the same reaction, if formula is something you think would help, combi feeding or something then maybe speak to your HV and see. Remember you are still healing from major surgery as well, throw not sleeping into the mix as well and it's bloody hard.

I felt the same way so please don't think you're alone in this. Although I didn't breastfeed (I tried, didn't work out for me) a friend of mine actually paid for a breastfeeding consultant to come out to her and help her. Would that be an option for you? If breastfeeding really isn't working perhaps talk to the GP about formula options (they may be lactose intolerant). It sounds like you've had a rough start for sure and the arguments between you and DH is most likely down to sleep deprivation. If you're bleeding has gotten heavier, it may be you've got your period (this is what happened to me) so I wouldn't worry too much. If you're worried about anything though, please speak to the GP. Good luck.

You are doing ok. Everyone thinks “what the hell have I done and where is the manual?” Must be even more intense with twins. Call the HV and tell them how you feel. this is a crazy stage but it’s not forever.

Talk to the MWs about the itching as well - it's probably normal scar healing but you should still mention it.

Blood loss, post anaesthetic and having twins are all going to combine to make you VERY tired, which will reduce your ability to cope anyway - so it's important to get as much help as you can to make sure that everything is "normal".

Twins are bloody hard work - I haven't had them but my siblings are twins and I remember it was just constant. However, you WILL get them into a routine, they WILL start to become easier - just hold on for the first 6 weeks and things will improve.

Again, ask for help any which way you can - and yes to joining support groups for twins, it does help to know that you're not alone in finding it harder than you thought it would.

I would try a different formula too.
Similar problems with one baby, was a nightmare.
Make life easier for yourselves.

Oh my goodness OP, you have a lot to contend with. My little one had feeding issues initially and I found cluster feeding and expressing extremely difficult, not to mention the pressure of three hourly feeds on top and comments from midwives. I cannot imagine this x 2, it must be really difficult.

Just wanted to send solidarity and assurances that it will get better xx

Many congrats on your babies.

It will and does get easier. Perhaps the extra help of mum/mil is causing you to stress further by the sound of things, do you think you could cope better and get used to being parents by having time on your own with your babies? If so say it, do what is right for you. You are a new mum and your needs should be respected.

Have you told the midwife how you are feeling? It may be worth having a chat about it.

Good luck OP, you are doing brilliant, it’s hard work I know, I didn’t have twins but I had two under 2.

There are lots of different formulas you could try. Formula feeding is a perfectly valid choice, and I say that as someone who bf.

Hi Op

Its very normal(most/all new mother's feel the way you do,especially having twins.

(It will get easier to cope in time.

Its obviously all new at moment, its transition time for you and your husband,( like you have stumbled into unknown territory on adventure you both trying to trying to navigate as a couple.

Get as much support out there as possible online and in real life..

This bit is so hard and then add on having twins Mayes it doubly harder: I felt like I’d physically and mentally been hit by a bus after my first DD; it did subside after a bit of time. I think it’s important to talk to your midwife or health visitor about how you’re feeling; after I had my second DS I developed pnd and one of the things I felt was that DS was really sweet but it was like looking after someone else’s baby and it then developed into me thinking that other people were looking after him better than I was. I talked to the midwife and they put in some support which caught me from tumbling down the black hole I was going into.

Completely normal OP. You are absolutely exhausted, have not one but two babies that are relying on you full time and this is all new to you both. I remember when dd1 was born I used to fantasize about her being abducted and then having a hysterectomy It does get easier OP

Sending my utmost sympathy. As many others have said, and even though it seems like you're now forever trapped in this hellish cycle of feeding, crying and so on, it DOES get better. It really, really does. I only had the one baby to deal with recently ish and I can vividly remember sobbing one night at 2am and saying "What have I done!?" Over and over again. I honestly thought I was cracking up. We also had endless struggles with his weight gain and it was so so hard. But now he's almost two and things are so much better and have been for a long time.
I did look into giving my son formula top ups when his weight gain wasn't great, but I was told by one HV that it can be counter productive as it can affect their breastfeeding latch because bottles are easier to drink from and therefore they become a bit 'lazy' with their sucking. So I carried on just exclusively breastfeeding and eventually his weight improved.
I wish you all the best and remember you aren't a bad mum at all. You're doing your very best in difficult circumstances.

Oh OP I could have written your post 2 years ago. Looking after twins (especially prems with feeding issues) is the hardest thing you will ever do and you have a bit of a journey to go on yet but it's worth it and you will do it.

There's nothing as special as being a twin mum and over time you'll start to enjoy them and marvel at their development together. The first 18 months is hell but it goes quickly. After that it gets easier and more enjoyable by the month.

You have 2 different babies with different needs, sleep becomes a distant memory. People always assume twins do everything together but they don't. Mine ended up on different (3 hour) feeding schedules and each feed took about an hour. I had such short time between feeds I never slept for more than an hour at a time for months. It's exhausting. Ask for help and try to get advice on moving to formula. It is possible and means others can help with feeding, it really helps.

It's good your husband is hands on. So is my DP and that will help get you through. He does work but when he's home he doesn't stop and we do 50/50 childcare. It's still not easy. We have a safe word for when we're not getting along. It's 'oranges'. Either of us can say it at any time and it means 'I'm really sorry I've had a shit day I love you let's put this behind us and forget it.' Sounds a bit shit but helped us loads. If someone says it you need to stop fighting and hug it out.

Anyway, you will figure it out. You're doing brilliantly. Good luck xxx

I wanted to take my baby to the hospital and leave him there on the steps for the first 6 weeks or so. I just felt he'd be better off with someone else. Breastfeeding difficulties can feel all-consuming, and the sleep deprivation is horrendous. I was so tired I was hallucinating, and at one point forgot who my DH was! And that was only with one baby.
BUT I don't think it's 'normal' to be feeling that way, just because it's quite common. I also have a history of MH issues and really, really wish I had reached out for help as I think in hindsight I did have some PND. I got through it with heaps of support from DH and my mum, but it really affected my early bond with DS. I didn't feel anything for him, beyond a sense of obligation to try and keep him alive, until he was about 6 months old, and I think if I'd gotten help it might have been different.

Birthing in a global pandemic during lockdown and establishing breastfeeding for not one but two humans just shows how fantastic you are.
The cycle of breast feed, bottle, wind, change, express for 2 babies takes about 1 hour and a half with 2 of us doing it and sometimes longer if it’s just me
Once you're ebf and your babies are able to nurse without winding (like side lying) this will cut the to do list by half.
Contact your local LLL as they provide lots of tips and support and even zooms to meet others and keep in touch with breastfeeding network as they also help with direction and advice.

Ah op. I ready this because my sister is 30wks pregnant with twins, she also has an almost 3yo, and I really want to be able to help her (if bloody covid let's me!) when they are here.

If you were my sister I would say :

Have a bath, have a cupa, sit.

Knock the expressing on the head. Unless you're getting a decent amount in a go, I don't think it's worth the time. It's hard enough to express in between feeds with 1 baby.

I would suggest trying again to top up with formula. There are different brands you can try, although they're all the same components. I know there's a lot of emotion around this subject. But honestly mixed feeding could be so practical for you with twins.

Everyone else is needs to become your slaves. They fetch. They carry. They feed you.

Extended family can do one. Unless they're practically useful and requested by you.

Don't underestimate the effects of sleep deprivation. It's hell on earth. Sleep whenever the opportunity presents itself.

As pp said you're in the trenches. Survival is good enough for now.

I'd suggest trying your local infant feeding team or find a trained IBCLC to help with feeding rather than going straight to formula - nothing wrong with formula of course and combi feeding might be helpful later (so your DH can give a bottle in the evening for example and you can get a bit more sleep) but if your breastfeeding journey ends suddenly and in a way that you aren't happy with the hormones and guilt might make you feel worse. If you want to move onto formula and that will help you, do it but dont rush that decision if you're not comfortable with it. I'd also carefully consider Gina Fording your tiny babies as suggested - not a decision I'd have made, they shouldn't be in a routine at their age (especially if low weight) and being responsive to their individual needs is generally accepted now to be a good choice.

That sounds pretty awful. It will get better in time but that doesn't help now. This will doubtless be an unpopular point of view but:

1. Speak to midwife or HV about what formula you could try to help with the feeding. I think the amount of feeding you are doing is crazy and is not helping with YOUR recovery.
2. If the MIL is coming over, she will need to help. Greet her in this way - Oh MIL it is so good of you to come over to help, could you ...

What you are feeling is so so common. The first few weeks are so awful, it's impossible to put into words how awful they are. I regretted having dd totally and utterly. It got easier very slowly. I hated the baby stage but by about 4 months in I didn't regret her any more. By 18 months in I couldn't imagine life without her. Now at 6 years old she gives me nothing but joy. I avoided all people who talked how precious and wonderful the baby time was; it made me feel such a failure. It was unremitting hell, but it ends.

OP, I feel for you! This takes me right back for he first few weeks with my first (singular!!) baby! Once she was born it was like jumping into a moving train of appointments, trips back and forth to the midwives, round the clock feeding/ pumping... I just wanted to get off.

I remember the midwife in hospital explaining I was going to have to express every two hours and they would come and wake me if I wasn't already awake and I was thinking "but this can't be right... Why aren't I allowed to sleep?!" this after 3 days and 2 nights of labour and I was just so, so exhausted.

But! I got through it. And looking back I wasn't kind enough to myself. It's great you have the physical help from your mum though appreciate it is stressful - try and switch off from all of that and focus on getting he rest you need. Don't worry about functioning in the day. Take every opportunity you can to sleep/ rest. I was terrible at that and kept inviting people round to see the baby etc because I felt like I should and also because I craved normal human interaction... But it didn't help me!

What happened with the formula? I would definitely look into a different type if you can. Expressing for twins sounds absolutely brutal.

Keep posting on here for advice and hang in there. You are doing an amazing job!

My DD is five now. It is all worth it!

I can’t begin to imagine how hard it s to have twins and all that you’re going through.
I had an itchy skin condition straight after giving birth and it was awful. Eventually I found a dr that knew what it was and was prescribed steroid tablets-nothing else worked.
It will get easier, but two weeks after a such early days & you just need to muddle through until you find your feet again-you will get there. I walked back to my hospital and nearly left my ds there as I was so overwhelmed. You’re not alone.

Oh sweetheart wish I could give you a cuddle, put you to bed with a cuppa and stroke your head till you sleep!

It does sound like speaking to someone about how you are feeling would be a good idea. I understand it's hard, especially when you've been through it before BUT you know dealing with it earlier is better.

One baby is tough, I can't imagine twins (or more). Added the other stuff it's no wonder you feel overwhelmed.

Be kind to yourself. Whilst there can be lots of lovely moments there are tricky times as well.

Like all the PPs I felt exactly the same too. Those first couple of weeks are hard and you've got all the difficulty of the post partum time with the added difficulty of twins.

It is also normal not to love your baby straight away. When dd1 wasn't quiet two weeks old I remember dh kissed her and told her he loved her before going out. I felt so sad because I really didn't know if I did love her. Protective: yes, straight away but the love grew over time.

Think of these first few weeks as being time for you to recover. You don't need to go anywhere, you don't need visitors, just sit, heal, and get to know your babies. And congratulations