Two weeks postpartum- to regret having children

[coralpig]

I gave birth to twins 2 weeks ago and I’m really struggling. Without sharing too much:

• they were slightly premature and struggled to latch. Inspite of a good milk supply from me they lost a lot of weight and we had nearly daily midwife visits to weigh them which were very stressful.
• I’m finding the demands of taking care of them extremely difficult. DH has been very hands on but we’ve been arguing amongst ourselves which is unusual for us and both a sleep deprived mess. We tried some formula and it really didn’t agree with them and we all ended up in hospital for a night so that’s not really an option.
• when I look at them I sometimes feel like they’re gorgeous but not mine. I resent how reliant they are on me. They are on a strict feeding plan involving 3 hourly breastfeeding, offering a bottle of Expressed milk and then expressing. I’ve been slowly working on tandem feeding but it’s hard as one is much bigger than the other and one is currently cluster feeding and wants to be on me. I keep being presented with a baby who needs something.
• my physical recovery from birth isn’t great. I had an emergency section (was meant to be a planned one but I went into labour early). My bleeding was initially very light but is now much much heavier. Filling pads every few hours with blood everywhere. The area around my lower tummy and incision is all bumpy and extremely itchy. I think I might have hives. I also have haemorrhoids and need to have a tooth extracted next week. I feel like my whole body has given up on me. I’ve been told the bleeding is normal as I’m feeding so much but it’s debilitating as I sometimes I can’t get off the sofa from feeding and need to change a pad and I worry about leaking.
• I have very complex family issues that are rearing their head and that’s causing issues with my DP and immense worries about the future.

I’ve found myself looking

Sorry haven't read the thread but as well as the advice from PPs, you'll remember there are significant hormonal changes post partum that, together with the tiredness, change in lifestyle and everything else make the first couple of weeks harder. That's not to say that sometimes pre-existing or even new MH issues can present but everything might become easier as hormones settle, routines are established and stresses moderate and become easier to manage. It's difficult but try to keep an eye on MH issues but don't discount that it might be 'routine' hormonal changes and tiredness. Good luck.

Oh sweetheart you and your body are probably still in shock.
I can’t imagine the physical and mental demand that two babies have on a mum.
I think it’s also very normal to be arguing too, it’s a shock for both of you and then times that by two.
Please also remember that any posts on social media about twins or new babies in general is highly likely to be highly sanitised. Don’t believe all that “my babies are wonderful, look what an amazing earth mother I am” bollocks.
Don’t be frightened to ask for help from the professionals or even friends, who could maybe cook a meal for you and leave it on your doorstep. Make sure you’re eating enough. Big hugs 💐

You are doing amazing, be proud of yourself. I struggled with one child so let alone two! I had a similar pattern of feeding, trying to get baby to latch and he lost so much weight. I was having to feed every 2 hours in the night as well. The sleep deprivation is abysmal.
Please contact a health professional about how you feel, it's normal. Talking and reassurance may be all you need but don't forget you can take anti-depressants while breastfeeding, there are several safe ones.

I haven't read all the replies but wanted to say those first few weeks are brutal, and I most definitely felt like that after having my first (and it wasn't twins). The bleeding is awful.
But what I really wanted to say is get your wound checked - after all three of my sections it got infected, and that made it so itchy. Need antibiotics, regular dressing changes and cream, but it made me feel really down. It was so much better once that healed.

If you do not feel comfortable with your MIL being there at this stage she needs to NOT COME.

This is about you. What you feel will be best for you, and crucially - will provide the most relaxing environment is what HAS to happen. As previous posters said, it's bollocks to 'fairness' right now - it is not about that. It's actually worse than that - for you to be put second here to your MIL's feelings by your DH is utterly negative and could have an impact on your relationship with both of them. He needs to simply listen to what you want and support it.

Why? Because the welfare of the babies is the most important thing. You are essential to that - your DH is far far less so, your MIL not at all.

If your MIL being there is going to make you feel less comfortable about breastfeeding/walking around half naked etc then it's going to have an impact on the babies' care. That can't happen.

Show him this thread. He needs to give his head a wobble... the word 'fairness' should not be coming out of his mouth right now. If it is, he's failing at his job here.

You have it very tough and the one thing I would say is grab all the help you can possibly get. Help with PND? Yell for it. Support online from people who have been there? Get it. Knowing this is all normal probably won't make you feel much better, but believing that you deserve help and then getting it will. Be the squeaky wheel. Good luck.

to echo PPs, OP, your DP should not have a fairness mindset concerning his DM and your DM both staying to help. Breastfeeding and recovering from labour, like giving birth is highly private. You may be comfortable breastfeeding in front of your DM and no other woman. He may need to think whether he'd be happy to be naked, defecate or some other private action in front of your DM or some other comparison if he is an exhibitionist to help him realise he is being unreasonable.

This is really not unusual. I didn't have twins, but DS lost a lot of weighty and I had to do the feeding, giving expressed milk, expressing and it was awful, especially at night as it meant pretty much no sleep.

All I can say is that it did get better for me.

If he wants fairness, perhaps encourage him to deliver a bowling ball through his penis then polish it with his testes every hour and then be told by you how to feel when your DM comes round every weekend to have a look so she doesn't feel left out.

I’m in awe of anyone with twins. I don’t know how you manage. I found the first 6 weeks with both of mine horrendous. I’d also say I was on a similar feeding regime with my first and it nearly broke me. If I’d had two I’d have had a breakdown I’m sure of it. I felt like a failure each failed feed and the routine of feed, express formula was awful. Be kind to yourself and don’t demonise formula. If that ends up being the best thing for your situation then it is perfectly good. I wish I had accepted that sooner because once my first time was being fed properly life got much better.

So much good advice on this thread I have nothing to add but to say I felt this way too, you are not alone

I found that it gets better and better as they get older, two steps forward one step back but asking for help made all the difference. I had no history of any mental health issues and had no PND with DS1 but needed a 9 month course of sertraline after DS2 and some talking therapy. The thing that helped the most, through both my children's infancy, was posting on here incessantly which was actually MUCH better than talking therapy since I got an avalanche of support and advice from people who had been there before me.

This nest of vipers is here for you, day and night

@Zilla1

to echo PPs, OP, your DP should not have a fairness mindset concerning his DM and your DM both staying to help. Breastfeeding and recovering from labour, like giving birth is highly private. You may be comfortable breastfeeding in front of your DM and no other woman. He may need to think whether he'd be happy to be naked, defecate or some other private action in front of your DM or some other comparison if he is an exhibitionist to help him realise he is being unreasonable.

Yes, this isn’t a ‘social occasion fairness’ situation where you say you can’t go to a dinner party at X’s again until you’ve had them to dinner at your house. You should have people, or not have people, according to whether it’s easier or harder for you when they’re there. I didn’t have a single visitor for three weeks after DS was born, because I didn’t want anyone.

And don’t be too quick to label this PND either, OP. Think about it. If someone gave you major abdominal surgery then sent you home with two tiny, dependent, screaming strangers who continually need your attention and will not let you sleep, you would feel as if you were going mad, even if you normally had completely untroubled MH.

I didn’t have PND, I was just miserable because I was in pain, had a difficult, high-needs baby, was trying to feed via a supplemental nursing system to encourage supply, and was getting very little sleep. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to feel awful in those circumstances.

As I said, it’s like an SAS stress test, physically and psychologically.

Hi Op,

I am a mum to 15 month old twins and I honestly felt the same as you when they were born. Twins are so much hard work and in the early weeks I thought I had made the worst mistake of my life ( now it definitely feels like the best decision). Nothing can prepare you for all the crying, it really is a massive culture shock. Even if you have someone else to help you it is never a break for you, as you still have at one baby to look after while someone else holds the other. It is definitely constant in the early weeks. Please do not feel guilty about feeling the way you do. I still shudder at the thought of the newborn stage with twins.

I breastfed mine and the first few weeks of cluster feeding felt like hell. I remember sitting for 9 hours straight one night feeding them. I definitely found my self 'touched out' and would make my husband take us all for a drive each evening just so I got some time without a baby attached to me. I can honestly say it does get better, especially after about 8-10 weeks. You mention that you can't use formula, so I just want to reassure you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel if you stick with it. I am so glad I stuck at breastfeeding as it became the easier option after this point ( no waiting for bottles or washing up etc). Though there is no shame in choosing to stop if that is what is best for you. As others have suggested trying another version of formula may help solve your issue.

You mention tandem feeding, I hated and never did it as I found it stressful. I got quite alot of pressure from the, HV to do it but it didn't work for me. Also if you dont have to express then maybe don't. You can always come back to it in a few weeks once you supply is settled. In the early weeks it can just cause more stress trying to fit this in aswell.

I think with twins you just have to do what is right for you to get you through the first few weeks and ignore what everyone else is doing. I would often look at other mums and wonder at how they managed, and has to remind my self that they only have 1 baby to deal with.

I know 8-10 weeks seems like a lifetime now but It really does get better I promise.

You are amazing!

1. Try a different formula. Even if you can just get DH to give them 1 formula feed at night it means you can have a 6 hour break not 3! Formula is a great option, and if you mostly breastfeed they get the best of both worlds

1. Talk to a doctor about going on an antidepressant. There's lots you can take when breastfeeding, and if it is PND starting will make you feel so much better

1. Get someone to have a look at your scar, if it's infected antibiotics asap will help!

1. You won't feel normal until they are 1, a singleton is hard work, twins s ridiculous. But it won't lat forever, in 5 years time you'll be dropping them at school and having a cuppa. Your life I sort of ruined right this second, but it recovers and you'll have your babies for life

1. Tell people you are struggling and accept all possible help

It gets a lot easier when you have physically recovered from childbirth, which from memory is about 6 weeks

Well done and hang in there!

I felt like this at two weeks postpartum with ONE baby. Just one. Who wasn’t born during a pandemic, so I had family support.

You are an absolute hero. But please do seek some help - both practical and medical.

Lots of good advice on here already. I dont know if anyone has mentioned the charity Twins Trust yet. Lots of helpful stuff on the website and a phone line staffed by volunteers who have experience of being parents of multiples. I know it's horrendously hard at the moment but it won't always be like this. Twins are amazing I promise.

Oh gosh OP, it is such hard work having twins, the feeding, changing etc is relentless. I had an easy birth with my twins so didn’t struggle physically afterwards, but with my singleton DD I felt awful after birth, stitches, bleeding, mastitis, PND, so completely understand where you’re coming from. It will definitely get easier, I promise, physically as you heal and with the relentless newborn days. And please seek help for PND, it’s OK to take ADs if you need them. I waited over a year to seek help with mine and regretted leaving it so long.
But mostly, it is REALLY early days, and a lot of people just don’t like the newborn stage, but it will be worth it.

Buckets of empathy/sympathy for you OP.

I’ve got 1 month old twins. They were born 5 weeks early by emergency c section (was meant to be a planned c section a couple of weeks later, but issues were picked up at routine scan so they had to come out earlier), so fairly similar story to yours. 10 days in SCBU, which were hellish, as I had an older DD at home, so time was split between special care and trying to have some time with my daughter (who was upset as I had disappeared rather abruptly weeks before she had expected it).

Breastfeeding has been rocky so far. I have plenty of supply (had massive oversupply with my DD, and found it incredibly easy pumping while in hospital), I’m very lucky in that regard. BUT twins were too small/weak to latch well. They were fed by tube rather than bottle in hospital as I wanted to breastfeed. But after 10 days in the unit they were well enough to come home, except they couldn’t come home with the tube still in and couldn’t maintain their weight by breastfeeding. So we introduced bottles to “top them up”. Since then, one twin has combination fed quite successfully, but one is less good at breastfeeding and now takes almost everything via bottle. He has expressed milk during the day, formula at night - although I have plenty of supply, I just can’t find time to pump enough!

One suggestion I was given by the neonatal nurse was to mix breast and formula in one bottle - the breast milk contains enzymes that partially digest the formula, making it easier on babies digestive system (although I don’t know what the exact issue your babies had with the formula - was it the milk itself, or bottle feeding?)

Tandem feeding is a bastard. Mine cluster feed in the evening. This was going quite well for a while, but one twin is now refusing to feed in rugby hold.... so evenings are often quite disasterous, with a lot of crying, which then wakes my DD..... I get stressed when I see 8pm approaching as I know all hell is going to break loose.

My section wound felt MUCH better by 3 weeks. I don’t think your bleeding should be that heavy. I had little bumps, they were from the adhesive from the dressing, which seemed not to suit me - is that where yours is itchy? Phone your GP and insist that someone checks your wound - it’s possible you have some level of infection, which would require treatment, and the sooner the better.

I’ve been finding the nights not too bad (twins are still pre due-date, so actually don’t sleep all that badly so far... waiting for it to get much worse as they get harder to settle and wake up for reasons other than hunger!). I don’t express at night - I breastfeed them if possible, and have bottles of formula made up ready I case I need them (sounds like that parts not possible in your case). Having a full tummy from the bottle seems to help them sleep better than just feeding from the breast night now, hoping that changes as they get stronger. My DH helps, but he is really struggling with being tired at work, and that is causing lots of arguments.

Do you have any family support? My Mum is coming during the day, and I am totally reliant on her - the twin who feeds less well won’t fall asleep on me (because I smell of milk I think), but will nap on her, so that gives me my hands and time to express.

Buckets of sympathy OP. I think I feel more normal than 2 weeks ago, so hopefully you will too. Fingers crossed it’ll get even easier over time.

I've had a scroll and you've gotten some great advice.

This is definitely a normal way to feel. It sucks. I'm sorry. But it's not forever.

As for the bleeding. Order some big incontinence pants instead of using pads.

They'll give you hours and hours so at least you'll have one less worry. Really helped me a LOT with the heavy bleeding.

You won't feel normal until they are 1 I have 11 days until their birthday, I'm holding you to this 😂

I'd love to give you a hug, make you a brew, and hold your babies whilst you drink it.

I haven't had twins, but 2 weeks in is SUCH early days. It will get so, so much better - hang in there. And if you need support for your mental health, bang the drum till you get it. xxxx

I could have written your story except I had to feed my twins 2hrly although they were also prem so could not establish my milk and they were on formula. Breast feeding on top of the sleep deprivation must be hard. Don't worry about you and your hubby fighting that is normal at this stage. My twins had feeding issues also ended up in hospital and went onto the diary-free nutramigen in the end on prescription from the doctor. Try looking in specialist twin shops for time saving techniques - such as twin breast feeding pillows. There is also bottle rester, which I wouldn't use at this age totally, but I would sit cross legged on the floor with a twin in the nook of each knee and a bottle in each hand. The bottle rester meant I could rest the bottle on their chest if I needed to free up a hand.

Oh don't be so hard on yourself OP. You've had a traumatic birth, major surgery and have to try and recover whilst breastfeeding newborn twins! It's physically hard enough with an easier birth and one newborn. Just try and get through to 6 weeks, the first 4-6 weeks breastfeeding are definitely the hardest and it gets much easier from there and you will be better recovered from surgery by then too.

I remember the first few days after my third child (singleton, homebirth so much less to deal with than you) my MIL came to help because my OH couldn't get the first week of paternity off work. Whilst it was lovely of her to offer to help, I felt like it was all arranged for me. I wanted someone to take my older kids away and leave me alone with my baby so I could sleep and do things at my own pace. I remember sobbing in bed because I just wanted to hide away and not have someone else there. I should have just asked her to take my other kids to hers but hormones and exhaustion do weird things. It took my FIL turning up with her the second day and me bursting into tears about it for them to offer to take the kids away. I'm embarrassed about that years on but that day I felt much better after being able to sleep with my baby and walk around half dressed etc. So regarding your MIL, don't feel bad about cancelling if she will be an emotional burden rather than a help. Fairness is nonsense. Delay the stay until Christmas? Or if not, really use the opportunity to catch up on sleep. Tell her you are exhausted and not recovering physically and doctors have ordered bed rest and can your DH and MIL just bring babies in to you to feed. Don't feel you have to socialise and be present downstairs.

Just a suggestion incase someone else hasn't said this already. If you are struggling with tandem feeding, could you feed one and express from the other side at the same time? The only time I could express in large volume was when feeding from the other breast at the same time. This option might be easier than tandem feeding? Also you could ask for milk bank donor milk if you are struggling to express. Local breastfeeding support pages often have mums with lots of excess milk they are happy to donate too.

Ask midwife to check your scar isn’t infected . I had an infection quickly cleared up with special dressings