Sisters weddng reshecduled to when my first baby is due

[Momma2bee]

Hi ,
I am about 11 weeks pregnant with first baby first grandchild for my parents. I am in my early 30s.My sister who has no kids and has banned kids from her wedding had to sadly cancel her wedding due to covid this year. We all made a fuss of her , however she is very particular was not happy about her big day. She will express anger if she is unhappy at something her maid of honour organised a family hen do and one with friends on what would have been her hen do aboard and she was very vocal that she didn't want my dad being at that event (no underlying issues just didn't want her dad at a hen do)
My sister has now rescheduled the wedding now for first weekend in July 2021 in a very remote location a good three hour drive from where we live . My baby is due at the end of June also first baby so unlikely will be on time. I am not part of the wedding party was never a bridesmaid etc. however some accommodation has been booked and paid for me and my partner. I am just wondering how people would approach not being able to attend myself and my partner don't feel comfortable due issues with location lack of phone signal , over a hour to local hospital if we did have a baby it would be very little would be likely we would still be resting after the birth/ accommodation would be big shared house so would be noisy. Also my sister doesn't want kids at her wedding is the type of person who would get very angry if someone dulled her sparkled so to speak.
I haven't told my sister or parents yet about baby waiting for next scan 12 weeks. How would people approach this situation ? I am very worried both my sister and parents will not be happy about this news. My sister has always been the favoured child recently her and partner lived rent free with parents for over a year so there new home could be refurbished, it is highly likely if she isn't happy they wont be .We don't want anyone to change any plans but we don't want any backlash negativity at this special time for us. We where mindful of dates previous year but felt that we couldn't keep putting things on hold due to our ages etc. also this is a rainbow baby my parents and sister not aware of this.
Please help

I think all the posts making OP feel guilty for not mentioning anything sooner are really harsh.

Not everyone has the same type of relationship with their sister, it reads clear enough to me that OP both didn't feel comfortable enough to disclose it at that point (and after a miscarriage even more so understandable!!) she may not feel close to her sister.

I think OP has known her own sister long enough to clearly have had experiences with her for all this to be a cause for anxiety for her. If you've had people steamrolling you your whole life it's not that simple. It should be, but again OP has clearly experienced things in her family life to shape her worries in this situation. One poster seemed to insinuate that OPs family dynmic experience is merely 'perceived' rather than her real experience! Talk about belittling someone who already clearly doesn't feel fully confident in their own right. Unbelievable!

Saying 'if that was my sister I'd be devastated and want to rearrange' yes, that's YOUR relationship and experience, your closeness and maybe you don't have the same relationship dynamic as OP.

We don't know how her sister will react and she may well be very sad, upset and disappointed but again, if OP had mentioned it at the time, she may equally have said 'oh it'll be fine! You're still coming' anyway.

I would never make my sister feel bad if she was in this situation, I'd understand exactly why she didn't want to say anything and let her enjoy her pregnancy without having to feel guilty about not being able to attend my wedding.

@Autumnblooms

Rainbow baby? That’s strange term, surly a baby is just a baby? If not I’ve had two rainbow babies without even knowing it 😂

I would go as with the first full pregnancy the baby is more than often late.

A rainbow baby is one born after multiple losses or stillbirths. The term isn’t used for fun and you really should have looked it up online before making a tit of yourself

@Momma2bee

Just to clarify some points: its a rainbow baby- baby after a loss I am under consultant based care my sister verbally told me the new date , rebooked me in the accommodation, didn't give RSVP option or invite etc. at the time we had no heating and issues with electrics in our house , and my other half mums and dad are both in hospital one in intensive care, I have worked full time in a community job through covid so didn't put two and two together, we didn't know I was pregnant either at that time when it was rebooked when I found out was very nervous due to loss With my dad I was trying to show that she sometimes she's quite blunt A better example would be that she can kick off, once she was gifted a designed purse Mulberry and kicked off as it was her main present , she expected more her birthday(not from me , but I think that's a good example to show that if she aint happy she aint happy and she'll let people know) That said she isn't a bad person she is just very head strong and will bring others in if she is not happy about something My other half has also expressed a bit of concern about how she may react I have no issue with not going and I am happy she has rebooked what would make me sad if she had a go at me and made it an issue like I said she didn't ask me to come to the second date she told it me and booked us in, with the reaction you 'wont be doing anything else' and my mum saying 'of course you'll be going'

You tell your mum first and say to your mum you are worried about how your sister will react.

OP, are you thinking your sister will kick off because you’re not coming to the wedding AND because you’re having the ‘first’ grandchild?

Some people are telling you that first babies take a while and labour could take days, well my first baby was was 2 weeks early and was burning in just over 1 hour, after 3 very quick pushes! If I had been in the middle of nowhere I wouldn’t have had a chance to get to a hospital in time and I had no warning my labour would be so quick. Trust your instincts and be somewhere comfortable and near to your hospital.

Just wanted to add: Don't tell them the actual due date. Be vague. Do what you said in your OP and say "the end of June/beginning of July".

If you give a date they might try to bulldoze you into agreeing to go because you're due on xx.xx, it will be fine

You cannot control how your sister will react. Only she can control that. There is a difference between someone, who is blunt and someone, who is not a nice person. If she reacts badly about your pregnancy news, I would say that she is not a nice person. The fear you are stating in the emails says it all. Yes, I said fear.

You have a partner and you are building a family. Decide what is best for you and your family. Stand by that. if your sister kick's off then you know who she is. I hope she proves you wrong. do not let her bully you. You are your own adult person. Congratulations and take care of yourself.

There's no problem unless you create one. Sorry you'll miss the wedding. Congratulations on the baby!

Not wanting a man at your hen do is hardly evidence of terrible controlling behaviour!

Don’t let her plans upset your life. She could change the wedding date. First baby and you need to do it the way you want, not the way your sister wants. Sounds to me she booked it knowing you would not be able to attend. What a bitch

If she has a go at you, you know everything you need to know

Don’t offer explanations, you don’t owe any.

A sister who doesn't make you their bridesmaid, maid of honour? .... Then I wouldn't care about their wedding personally.
You will find that your hormones will change and your baby will become your most number one priority. Come July, you won't care a hoot about your sister and her diva self and the wedding, you will definitely be wanting to be near a hospital for your own mental wellbeing, and to feel relaxed about what you and your baby needs. Im pretty sure your parents will be more interested in being grandparents too... First grandchild is a huge thing.

Well you And baby are going to get the attention if you attended so your princess of a sister wouldn’t like that so that should make it easier to say you cannot go! But honestly it sounds like your walking on egg shells with your family. Why wouldn’t your parents be pleased? If they are that bad I would send them all a text announcing your news, saying you won’t be able to get to the wedding, and from now on your Only aim is stay calm, stress free, concentrate on your own and baby’s health. You would appreciate people taking that into consideration, if not kindly p.off. Sorted! Good luck and congratulations.

Things don't always work out - she doesn't want children at the wedding and you need a consultant led birth and may have a baby then. Both are lovely memorable times in people's lives but a clash is a clash and no one's fault. You simply cannot attend.

She'll have a lovely day, you'll have a much wanted baby - everyone is happy!

I can imagine in any scenario she’s going to be pissed off because let’s face it, she sounds like a spoiled brat.
You go - you’re either massively pregnant or with tiny baby and she will hate anything that takes an ounce of shine off her. Or god forbid you go into labour at the wedding, she’ll have a fit!
You don’t go you then aren’t making an effort blah blah blah.

Let’s face it 3 hours away, when you’re under care is seriously silly, not to mention a crazy uncomfortable journey if you’ve not given birth by then.

Personally I’d tell them, wait until after the scan and say, “shit I’m really sorry the date clashes with the wedding” and add in about the consultant not advising it as a PP said.

Either way I think you’re going to see some dramatics unfortunately.

Just inform them of your pregnancy and decline on that basis and don't be bullied.

It's all well and goodsaying 1st babies are late but mine was a day early and my DSD had her 1st baby in 4 hours.... it's just too close to call it and you don't need that stress.

Your sister will be lucky to get her wedding then either the way things are going.... my DD has booked hers for 2022 with good reason.

It is what it is.

I want to warn you hear, people saying first baby labour can be several days etc. I had my first this year. Entire labour from start to pushing was 4 hours. Unfortunately complications occurred from there and my little man didn’t make his dramatic appearance for another 4 hours. As I said my boy’s arrival was dramatic and messy. In no way could I have travelled 3 hours within a few days or weeks of his birth. Please prioritise your health and that of your little one. Your family should be overjoyed with your news. It will be hard at first but they’ll understand. We were initially supposed to be attending a wedding in Belfast a month after our boy’s due date for one of my oldest and closest friends but they completely understood if we couldn’t make it. Thanks to covid it was postponed. I’m sure your family will understand. And congratulations on your rainbow baby

If you are consultant led especially I wouldn’t mess around and definitely not go to wedding. She sounds a real attention seeker

GrumpyHoonMaine, I had never heard the term 'Rainbow Baby', before posting on Mumsnet and have never heard anyone use it in real life, honestly.

Congratulations!
I took a 3 week old baby to a wedding (child friendly one) and it was a nightmare.
He was a placid calm baby until we walked in to the wedding. He screamed and so I missed the whole ceremony as I had to take him out. We had a terrible journey home where we got stuck in a traffic jam and he had a huge poonami. It was a big lesson in how my life had changed.
You have to decline the invitation. It's not practical on any level.
Also, I went from first contraction to full on minute apart ones in less than 2 hours. You don't always get time. You need to be able to relax at home
Perhaps you could do a video call with your mum so you don't miss it 😀

@jessstan1 I have never heard it outside of Mumsnet. I originally assumed it referred to a baby born to a gay couple

I have lost a baby myself and know plenty of others who have sadly had this experience but never heard the term in RL. I am wondering if it is a regional thing? I am South East.

I agree with @Rachand23, the sister will not want you there anyway OP because you will upstage her. Just tell them and sit back and watch

This happened with my best friend, who was due with first baby the week before my wedding. She kept telling me she'd show up no matter what (even though she lived a days travel away). I told her not to worry about my wedding, to take care of herself and new baby. She gave birth 4 days before wedding. I wished her well and reminded her, while she was welcome, I couldn't imagine attending myself (I'd had a baby already so I was quite aware how impossible that would be). The day before my wedding she called and said, "there's no way I'm coming." We laughed because it was a "I told you so!"

My BFF is still my BFF. We sent each other photos of our big days/babies and all was well. Timing is what it is.

If it was my sister I would have told her about the pregnancy as soon as I knew and asked if she could have picked a different date for the wedding as really wanted to attend..
You don't sound close at all..if you are not close and you don't like or care about her enough to try and make it work why d9 you even care how she will react?

You definitely can't go to the wedding. Your midwife will advise against travel at that stage of pregnancy for sure. I wouldn't wait for the scan - I would tell your mum/dad now and then your sister, so she isn't building ideas or putting money down for someone who can't come, and has the option of choosing another date if it's really important to her that you be there. Tell her now or "why didn't you tell me sooner" will become the complaint.

Congratulations and best wishes!

I’m due with my first at the end of March and my bestie ( rescheduled) wedding is at the start of April - also , 100+miles from where I live.
I won’t be attending because A: recovering from having a baby a week ago and B: don’t want baby around germy ,possibly Covid strangers.
I did put off telling my friend until week 14, because she was already gutted ( and rightly so) about her cancelled Big Day. So it’s already in her head that I probably won’t be there : even tho I haven’t said as much ( Im really my waiting to see what we are even ALLOWED to do next Spring re wedding before I decline.)
I’d “announce” and let your family draw your own conclusions- they are both things to be celebrated, was just unfortunate one had to be rescheduled.
And let her rant to your mum and be annoyed ( but privately ) and have a wee pity party : so much has been taken from us this year already. I’m sure she’ll come round
I intend to make a video for my friend and wish her luck in spirit - you could ask the Best Man to collect one from you and show it ?

There's no problem til there's a problem. You have to tell them, and then deal with their reaction.... Baby is on its way and there's nothing that can be done about that