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Original poster

Sisters weddng reshecduled to when my first baby is due

231 replies

Momma2bee · 01/12/2020 11:14

Hi ,
I am about 11 weeks pregnant with first baby first grandchild for my parents. I am in my early 30s.My sister who has no kids and has banned kids from her wedding had to sadly cancel her wedding due to covid this year. We all made a fuss of her , however she is very particular was not happy about her big day. She will express anger if she is unhappy at something her maid of honour organised a family hen do and one with friends on what would have been her hen do aboard and she was very vocal that she didn't want my dad being at that event (no underlying issues just didn't want her dad at a hen do)
My sister has now rescheduled the wedding now for first weekend in July 2021 in a very remote location a good three hour drive from where we live . My baby is due at the end of June also first baby so unlikely will be on time. I am not part of the wedding party was never a bridesmaid etc. however some accommodation has been booked and paid for me and my partner. I am just wondering how people would approach not being able to attend myself and my partner don't feel comfortable due issues with location lack of phone signal , over a hour to local hospital if we did have a baby it would be very little would be likely we would still be resting after the birth/ accommodation would be big shared house so would be noisy. Also my sister doesn't want kids at her wedding is the type of person who would get very angry if someone dulled her sparkled so to speak.
I haven't told my sister or parents yet about baby waiting for next scan 12 weeks. How would people approach this situation ? I am very worried both my sister and parents will not be happy about this news. My sister has always been the favoured child recently her and partner lived rent free with parents for over a year so there new home could be refurbished, it is highly likely if she isn't happy they wont be .We don't want anyone to change any plans but we don't want any backlash negativity at this special time for us. We where mindful of dates previous year but felt that we couldn't keep putting things on hold due to our ages etc. also this is a rainbow baby my parents and sister not aware of this.
Please help

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 01/12/2020 16:35

I think you are being a bit unfair to your sister, you seem to want to paint her a very bad light including that she is some sort of favoured child, which may be your view but not the actual truth.
There is no point worrying about it, the facts are as they are. You are pregnant and you need to tell her she may try:
a) change the dates so you can come.
b) get angry with you for being pregnant, in which you just ignore her - you certainly don't need that toxicity.
c) save a place for you but understand you may not be able to make it.
d) be upset that you didn't mention it earlier so she hadn't picked that date ( which I can understand to be honest).

Either way the longer you take the more difficult it will be and the more stress for you as well as her.

RedMarauder · 01/12/2020 16:43

OP I was under consultant care.

You just need to inform your mum and then your sister you are pregnant after you have had the scan. Then decline the wedding invite saying as you are under consultant care you have been advised to stay within easy reach of the hospital from 35 weeks onwards.

Then don't engage in any of your sister's drama. Just keep silent particularly if you don't get on that well.

And congratulations on your pregnancy.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/12/2020 16:48

OP I was under consultant care.

You just need to inform your mum and then your sister you are pregnant after you have had the scan. Then decline the wedding invite saying as you are under consultant care you have been advised to stay within easy reach of the hospital from 35 weeks onwards.

I was too and I second what RedMarauder says. It's not a thing to be taken lightly. Don't allow yourself to be bullied into doing otherwise.

IseeIsee · 01/12/2020 16:50

Decline politely now. This happened to me years ago. I said I couldn't go but she kept pushing back and I was too wishy washy. Then I had my DS premature and she was ringing while he was in the neo unit wanting to know can I go since he was born. Caused a big fall out for a while. I wish I had been firmer and said no from the get go even if I have the baby as 2week old premature baby can't be going to weddings.

PurpleMustang · 01/12/2020 16:55

Congratulations. I would tell your parents first so that their first thought isn't towards your sisters wedding. Then tell your sister, if she is liable to twist things do it with others around. If her first sentence isn't Congratulations blah blah blah but of the wedding you know where you stand. And others will see it too, for if she does cause a fuss about it all. You don't want months of her sulking.

Jobsharenightmare · 01/12/2020 17:20

I would be really disappointed you didn't choose to say so I could have arranged the date to enable you to come. It's like you've deliberately made timing an issue, when she could have accommodated your pregnancy and what worked for you easily. It's also going to put pressure on your parents which was avoidable by changing the wedding date to earlier or later to suit you.

I told my best friend at 6 weeks pg when she sent a save the date I'm really sorry but I'll be about to pop if all goes to plan and she brought her wedding forward by a month no hassle at all. Why haven't you given her a chance?

Obviously if you are not close and are looking for an excuse I can see why you'd choose to keep quiet, absolutely your choice. I don't think not saying anything to immediate family will go down well with parents or sibling.

diddl · 01/12/2020 17:43

"I would be really disappointed you didn't choose to say so I could have arranged the date to enable you to come."

Me too.

And then I'd get over myself & see if anything could be done.

sandragreen · 01/12/2020 17:51

Congratulations OP. Flowers

It does sound like you have grown up in a family dynamic where you have been unable to or influenced against having healthy boundaries with your sister.

You are having your own child now so you have to be wary of continuing this kind of behaviour. Believe me, I have the t shirt.

You can only control your own behaviour and are only responsible for your own behaviour, not your sisters or your parents. I suspect that if the situations were reversed, and you were the sister getting married, yoru response to your sister explaining the predicament would be kind, measured. "Oh that's wonderful! So sorry you will have to miss the wedding but so pleased for you." That kind of thing? But you know from experience that your sister's reaction will be along the lines of WHAT ABOUT ME!!!???? HOW COULD YOU????!!!!!!

And this will lead to similar responses from your parents?

Well that's horrible. but you cannot control it or change any of them. Tell them as soon as you feel comfortable, maybe by email with a scan image? Say you are dreadfully disappointed to miss your sisters big day but look forward to seeing all the beautiful photos. I would probably explain the back story regarding your previous loss but that is your call.

Then step back and if she tantrums she tantrums. I would like to think your parents might have second thoughts about prioritising your sister over you considering a grandchild is on the way, but maybe don't hold your breath on that Sad

Fudgsicles · 01/12/2020 18:05

Just tell them you cannot attend and stand firm. If she kicks uo then so what. It's not like you can actually change things so she'll have to suck her tantrum up.

mummmy2017 · 01/12/2020 18:12

Do not mention the wedding.
Just tell your both set of parents
Call your Sister next tell her your expecting, and have a scan next week.
If she mentions the Wedding tell her you will know more after your scan as to dates.
Leave her for as little afterwards as you can, so she had time to absorb the news .
Then when you speak in say a few weeks time, just say your doctor told you not to travel after 35 weeks.
Baby's and your health comes first.

Brefugee · 01/12/2020 18:13

just do what you were going to do: have your scan, share your news and then after everything has settled down let your sister that unfortunately you won't be able to attend her wedding.

FWIW my first labour was 4 hours.

Littlepaws18 · 01/12/2020 18:21

Funny I'm in a similar position except it's my wedding. Due on July 30th my BBC wedding is on August 8th. It's going to be an interesting summer!!!!

You just have to say that you are really looking forward to the wedding, but i will see how I go. I might be able to attend and you will be there for the build up.

Littlepaws18 · 01/12/2020 18:22

It's not a bbc wedding! Phone gremlins

notalwaysalondoner · 01/12/2020 18:22

I agree you may well be worrying over nothing and they’ll all be thrilled by the news. If not, suggest you accept the invitation, go if baby hasn’t arrived, and don’t go if it has. As others have said, an hour to the hospital for a first baby really shouldn’t be an issue as it often takes days to get going.

Autumnblooms · 01/12/2020 18:24

Rainbow baby? That’s strange term, surly a baby is just a baby? If not I’ve had two rainbow babies without even knowing it 😂

I would go as with the first full pregnancy the baby is more than often late.

slipperywhensparticus · 01/12/2020 18:26

@Autumnblooms

Rainbow baby? That’s strange term, surly a baby is just a baby? If not I’ve had two rainbow babies without even knowing it 😂

I would go as with the first full pregnancy the baby is more than often late.

Rainbow baby is one born after a loss
timeforanewstart · 01/12/2020 18:37

phone signal blackspot won't be an issue as im sure they will have a landline
Just announce your news once scan has been done and you are positive on dates then go from there
Maybe say to her you are gutted that you probably won't be able to make it , is there someone else they could invite as you won't be able to confirm for sure ( baby may be couple weeks early so is possible for you to go ) its her wedding so Understandable also a big day for her and she didn't know you were pregnant either
Tell them when your ready and go from there maybe their reaction may suprise you

cansu · 01/12/2020 18:47

I think you are over thinking it and also being quite dramatic yourself. It feels a bit like top trumps and a rather fake concern about how she will take it. The best thing to do is wait until the scan, share your news appropriately and say nothing much about the wedding at all. If asked / if it is mentioned, say you will have to think about it as it is close to the due date. Obviously if baby arrives on time, your sister might prefer to not have baby at the wedding in which case you understand and won't come.

Mansmansmum · 01/12/2020 18:56

Just tell her?

How she reacts is not your problem. You can't change the baby's plans. Say you'd have loved to come but you know she will understand that obviously you can't come. Wish her well and leave it at that.

mangoandraspberries · 01/12/2020 18:59

Tell her ASAP - this gives her a grater chance of being a able to change the dates so you can be there (assuming she wants to). If you don’t want her to tell anyone else at this point, then be clear about that.

I would be angry if I were her, if you didn’t tell me until later when nothing can be done about it

MyGazeboisLeaking · 01/12/2020 19:11

@Autumnblooms

Rainbow baby? That’s strange term, surly a baby is just a baby? If not I’ve had two rainbow babies without even knowing it 😂

I would go as with the first full pregnancy the baby is more than often late.

@Autumnblooms - as others have said - rainbow baby is a term used by some people for babies that are born after previous miscarriages / still births / losses.

It's not something to be mocked.

FeedMeSantiago · 01/12/2020 19:12

I know someone who went into labour on the morning of her sister's wedding. The sisters both lived in their home town and the wedding was there. The labour was quick and there are lovely photos of the bride and groom meeting the new baby in hospital in their wedding finery after the ceremony.

I wouldn't go to a wedding 3 hours from home when heavily pregnant, especially if I had a Consultant led pregnancy. Don't feel guilty OP, you can't go.

I agree with others OP - tell your parents the good news and start by saying you have wonderful news. Then tell your sister.

Give them a chance to be happy for you first.

It's fine for your parents and sister to be disappointed you can't be there what wouldn't be fine if they complained to you about it or blamed you for it.

Burnthurst187 · 01/12/2020 19:19

You tell them and they bloody deal with it. Don't be scared of your drama queen sister

mountbattenbergcake · 01/12/2020 19:32

I really don't get this. Why would your sister kick off about you being due around then? It's not like you planned to be due then. She sounds bratty about the Mulberry bag but why would this stop you telling her about the due date?

When were you told the new wedding date? I would call my parents now and tell them (and also that it's a high risk pregnancy), and then call sis. She needs to know asap if they want to change the wedding date.

Sorry about your miscarriage and congrats Flowers

Lancrelady80 · 01/12/2020 19:38

@NellyDElephant

As your parents and sister don’t know yet, and I’m sure they will be pleased for you, you are potentially worrying unnecessarily. First babies are often late, so you should be able to attend all being well. Also, as a rule, labour with first baby takes a fair while and often several days to get going properly (in my experience!), so if you should need to make your excuses and leave (in the very unfortunate event you go into labour on the wedding day), you will have time to travel home. Or do you not really want to attend? I get the impression maybe you don’t from your OP?
Yes, but they can also come early and fast. I got caught out 5 days early. And from nothing to babe in arms in less than 5 hours. So not really fair to say to op that she can bank on that.

Plus, very heavily pregnant, tired, hormonal, long drive, on edge just in case, potential pregnancy complications etc are not a good combo.

Could try spinning declining invitation as not wanting to take any of the limelight away from bride, esp if 1st grandchild. Relatives will likely be oohing over you, how long to go, baby stories etc. And can you imagine if you actually went into labour? Thunder would be well and truly stolen.