To ask what your relationship is like with your MIL/DP’s mother?

[Lila653]

Wondering whether the stereotype of woman struggling with mother in law is that true in reality. What is your relationship like? And has it changed over time? By stereotype I just mean it is often portrayed in TV/film.

I think I started off in a better place with MIL than I am now - several years down the line I find more and more grating/irritating, probably unfairly in some ways! Is this normal?

DH doesn’t have a great relationship with his parents so maybe this has something to do with it!

She would say we get on well. I would say she is very trying company but I am extremely polite.

We are very different people and I don't feel like she's made any effort to really get to know me in the 15 years she's known me. (She still occasionally calls me the wrong name!) She's very self absorbed and really only wants people to listen to her. I dread seeing her but thankfully it's not very often. I just grit my teeth, nod and smile. And take wine!

Unfortunately my DH's mother died when he was a teenager so I never met her, I like to think we would have got along though, apparently she was very like his sister and I adore her

My MIL is amazing. We’ve been living on their property for the last 3 years and it’s only worked because she has great respect of our privacy and boundaries, whilst still being lovely and supportive and helpful. Absolutely adore her! And my FIL too, they’ve done an amazing job raising a wonderful wonderful man and are now helping us raise our two beautiful daughters 😊

My MIL is a lovely lady. Each year my respect and appreciation of her grows. We're different people but she loves my children and DH so we have the most important things in common.

My relationship with my MIL is based on hugs, smiles and hand gestures 😂😂 because we speak barely a word of the same language 😄😄 just how I like it! She makes excellent cake, which there’s always plenty of whenever I’m around, and she thinks I’m pretty 😂😂 she’s wrong of course - but that helps too 😜

Used to make a real effort to be friendly to her, include her and help her. Things deteriorated rapidly when I had DC and she saw me as competition, and DC solely as something to show off to her friends about.

She is a jealous, insecure and quite frankly, mean, person.

One of the highlights of my divorce was never having to see her again.

My new MIL is funny and kind. Ocassionaly slightly odd in a nice way. We're honest with each other in a polite way.

I often read MIL stories here that are exacerbated by a DIL who feels unable to communicate honestly with MIL. It seems to drive resentment and misunderstanding.

Non-existent. She went NC with DH a long time ago and has some significant mental health issues which means she is unwilling or unable to be part of his life. She had a very tough time when she was younger and is a very unhappy lady but I always feel sad for DH that he has been cut off from his family and his lovely dad because of her.

We don't speak at all and blank each other in the street, which is rather awkward considering we live across the road from her! My partner can't stand her either (there is way too much backstory to go into but she was never a good mother to him and once our daughter was born I just couldn't tolerate her behaviour anymore). She hasn't seen our daughter since she was three months old because she's too stubborn to sit down and talk things through with us. Her loss! She likes to tell people I've stopped her from seeing her which is NOT true. I get on very well with his stepmum though.

Passive aggressive, racist and uneducated, but then that sums up most of the family - not my other half though, who is cut from totally different cloth.

The passive aggressive stuff might stem from over 40 years of marriage to an overbearing ex army Sargent, and the only way she's been able to exert any control over her life.

Uneasy

We are polite to one another and she has her good points but fundamentally she has a range of opinions that I think are bat shit crazy and can never agree with. There are loads of topics we need to avoid so I find her company wearing for any extended period.

Also she thinks the sun shines out of DH arse (and indeed all her kids arses). If she thinks I have criticised him in any way she is poised to ride to his rescue. I know what she says about her other kids spouses behind their backs (that's one of the conversations I won't entertain but it's a topic she loves to start up on 'x did this. Isn't he/ she a terrible person? My poor DC' ) I can't imagine I am somehow exempt.

She likes babies and young children but she is increasingly less interested in my DC as they get older. They are only OK on her own terms and when they agree with her.
She can be frankly a bit mean to them if they do something she disapproves of.

It's been my worst nightmare for years that she decides to move closer to us as I can only take her little and often. Fortunately she chose one of her younger DC with the youngest grandkids for that particular double edged sword. If she does help out with any babysitting etc then she will feel that is carte Blanche to stick her oar in your relationship and your parenting so I try to avoid feeling indebted to her.

Both of our preference really is for her to spend time with DH on his own. I often suggest he goes when I am working or takes her out without me. I don't feel bad about that. I am not stopping him seeing his mum I just don't happen to love spending time with her myself.

My MIL was the nicest, kindest woman and I adored her. She'd do anything for me and the children. I still do love her but she has dementia and I went to see her recently and there was no recognition at all. I am inconsolable with grief and even my DH doesn't understand why because she's still alive!

I hope my DDIL's feel the same way about me and NOT that they have to put up with me for the sake of their DHs!

We're very different people, DH isn't terribly close to his family, and sadly, she's had a lot of health issues over the last 5 years that have made her life smaller. However, her intentions are always good, she adores her children and grandchildren, has always treated me as a part of the family. Spending time with her isn't always comfortable, but I know it means an awful lot to her, so we travel when we can.

She says she loves me and maybe she does but only because I love her son and I've given her two grandchildren.

The downsides... She treats me and DH like children when we visit. She cooks every meal and then tells us when to eat and how much. (You get sarcastic comments if you don't eat enough and I know she thinks I'm too thin.) She is the Queen of the backhanded compliment. (The first time we met, she said "oh, she's much prettier in real life than in the photo!")

But overall, we rub along just fine. She loves my children and is a lovely grandmother to them.

I started off really liking her and engaging with her but I just leave it all to DP now, I just can't be bothered.. I think I've heard too much about her from him. She enabled his abusive dad.. if DP verbally abused our children the way he was, I would get them away from him if he didn't change after the first few instances. We're talking screaming in his face regularly and calling him fat and worthless etc. She was a really good mum as an individual so probably thought she could make up for it and cancel out the bad. But there's no taking away that longlasting effect..
I make an effort when I see her though.

I wish I had the lovely MIL some of you describe. A proper grandmother for my DCs. I though MIL might be that at first but turns out she’s a narc who thrives on drama and is always the hero or victim in any narrative she’s running with. We’re pretty LC now, helped by distance and covid but I am sad about is especially for the DCs. Occasionally I forget and think about trying to be closer but know I’d just be opening up a massive can of worms.

Her boundaries have been a bit fucked ip too.. completely rearranging my wardrobe (which is where I kept sex related things) and while on holiday she went through my suitcases and folded up all my dirty underwear that needed washing..

Eh fine, perfectly polite. Bf and I have been together 9 years and I probably see them 2x a year as we live quite far away and they never visit.

My issue is she's a bit of a martyr which I've got no time for. Also her other child is the favourite and my bf is kind of ignored. I don't think my bf noticed the disparity in the way they were treated until I noticed it which is a bit awkward. Whenever he did something well and was sharing a success the other child was brought up about what they had done and why they were great. Drives me mad. I just being the conversation back to bf and how great they are!

My DH isn’t keen on her, this is a long standing feud way before I met him so we don’t spend much time with her. She’s quite eccentric and bolshy, not really my sort of person but I don’t hate her or anything dramatic.

My MIL is lovely. I'd be very happy to spend more time with her, invite her on holiday etc. She lives close by and has a good relationship with DH, but they both appear happy with quite limited contact. I think it's a pity, but it's not my place to interfere

DH occasionally mentions that he'd like to invite MIL on a family holiday abroad with us. Hell would freeze over before I would ever allow that. I can barely imagine anything worse. Fortunately she has beloved dogs who she cannot leave so I'm off the hook of trying to explain that one.

We have a great relationship! Never had a crossed word and after having DC it seems to have strengthened even more. She’s a lovely lady who loves her grandchildren dearly. I have gone to her for advice on DC on occasion over my own DM.

A mixture of good and bad.

The good - she loves me, loves her son and loves her grandson. She’s very generous.

The bad - she’s very snobbish, very set in her ways (believes that only the way she does things is the correct way), she’s homophobic, very sexist (she’s never worked and therefore thinks women shouldn’t/can’t work, because her lack of achievement is easier to explain that way), she’s the worst competitive under-eater you could ever meet. She also takes forever to tell any story. And she’s a clean freak and intensely fussy. About everything.

We haven’t seen her for nearly a year because of Covid and if I’m honest I haven’t missed her visits at all, I find them very stressful.

I love her to bits. Kind, generous, big hearted and alway ready to help. Sadly, she is now in a care home after she suffered a massive stroke 2 years ago. As a result she can no longer communicate, walk and her recognition is low. I grieve for the lady we lost and miss her so much.

Love my MIL, she’s fab! Go for lunch with her every week on my own(pre COVID!)