To ask what your relationship is like with your MIL/DP’s mother?

[Lila653]

Wondering whether the stereotype of woman struggling with mother in law is that true in reality. What is your relationship like? And has it changed over time? By stereotype I just mean it is often portrayed in TV/film.

I think I started off in a better place with MIL than I am now - several years down the line I find more and more grating/irritating, probably unfairly in some ways! Is this normal?

DH doesn’t have a great relationship with his parents so maybe this has something to do with it!

We get on ok. Two pleasant people who have very little in common but both make an effort. She is wonderful with the kids. (And the existence of the kids makes conversation easier as we can talk about them.)

We chat but it’s all small talk. We don’t see each other often, 4-5 times a year maybe? She can be quite rude to me but I take it as we don’t see her much so no point causing an issue. DH knows about her rudeness and he decided the way to deal with it was to see her less. We got on better before I had children, she turned nasty when I was pregnant and suddenly became very judgemental of me.

My MIL was awful from the beginning and 23 years later doesn't bother to hide her contempt for me.
I've refused to go through the polite charade of exchanging pleasantries since she asked my DH why my elderly mother was bothering to hold on, (who was seriously ill with dementia at the time). She was on speakerphone at the time, so couldn't pretend she hadn't said it. She's never apologised and gets away with being rude as FIL and DH let her. She unsupported of my son's artistic pastime and belittles his achievements even though he's had recognition from some seriously talented people. It's so sad as if my mum was aware she'd have been so proud and happy for him. Fate is cruel to leave us with the grandparent who doesn't give a damn. Life's too short. Protect those you love from hurt and go NC.

I have the most wonderful relationship with my in-laws. I grew up in a very chaotic household and although I love my mother we never had the stereotypical mother-daughter relationship. My mother in law welcomed me with open arms immediately. She has nursed me after operations, Held my hand at my father’s funeral and (before Lockdown) we’d regularly get drunk rode her and put the world to rights. She is an amazing woman. Last year sadly there was a divorce in the family. My brother in law’s ex still has close contact with MIL - that’s how great she is!

I don't particularly like mine. She had mental health problems which, whilst I appreciate are beyond her control, have really affected DH. She loves DS to bits, but I don't trust her enough to leave him alone with her.
There have been a lot of miss-placed good intentions over the years (rearranging the house, 'sorting' stuff she doesn't think we need anymore, 'helpful' advice about DS)
Ruined Christmas one year - name calling my parents (who had invited her for Christmas Dinner), then refused to talk to DH about the fallout & ended up making the 2hr journey home on Christmas eve to spend Christmas alone.

I don't think she likes me either to be honest, I probably come off a bit passive aggressive.

My MIL is perfect. Wouldn't change a thing about her.

My MIL is neurotic, negative, obsessed with death, passive aggressive and a nightmare at times. We had a falling out last year because of her behaviour and I thought we'd drawn a line under it. She told me a couple of weeks ago that she's still really angry at me and that when I told her I was pregnant, she and my SIL cried because of the "situation".

I have known DP's mother for over 30 years and I'm really not close to her at all. Our relationship is cool, but cordial. People who don't know her very well think she's lovely, all smiley and friendly. Like Mrs Doyle on speed with her offers of tea and cake. But she's very controlling and always spoiling for a fight, making endless snippy little comments in the hope of a reaction, then when everything explodes, she gives a totally different version of events and acts like the wounded party. It has happened so many times, I could write the script. So, I button my lip and keep quiet. When we had DS1 things got 10 times worse, but it's all relatively calm now and lockdown was bliss!

We get along ok, she has lots of children though, so can spread any crazy around all of us.

Our last exchange was enquiring if she had space in her recycling bin (ours is jammed and we walk past her house on the way to school). She’s a little disappointed due to Covid we’ve not needed her to do any school pick ups as we’re both wfh, but she’s hidden it well.

Mine is fantastic. She's a would do anything for anyone type, absolutely adores the kids. My eldest isn't oh's but she has never once treated her any different to mine and oh's son. I'm very lucky, she's a lovely women and we have a good laugh when we're together.

My DMiL died 4 years ago. She was wonderful and we had a brilliant relationship. She was a great GM to my kids and was kind and funny. I miss her.

My mother in law is dead, so is FIL. They were lovely people, treated me and other children's partners nicely. I was lucky one.

She's fine, generous, warm and kind. We share no interests etc. But she's always keen to hear about what we've been up to, nice to have a cup of tea with .... saying that it's a different story when she's had a few drinks, gets lairy and arguments ensue ... I try to avoid functions that will involve her drinking as it's just exhausting!

Garbage

My MIL is 'challenging'
She cries at the drop of a hat is childish jealous and bizarrely flirty and bizarrely very handsy with my DH not envy!!!

I am naturally fairly generous but paying for expensive restaurants when up with them "as we are the guests" and when they visit as "they are the guests" at £400+ got ridiculous.
Now I insist on cooking and she gets pasta pesto or tuna pasta bakes. it's gloriously awkward

We are hosting het for Christmas and invited them from 24th-27th she cried because she expected to visit from 23rd to 30th. she is arriving on the 23rd and I am already wondering what the excuses will be as there is no way she will actually leave on the 27th like a normal fucking person

The only saving grace is she lives 300 miles away and demands special treatment at every turn is "scared" to drive
(She drove long distances for work for over a decade) 🙄

Oh AND DPs younger brother has a "secret" bank account his mum pays 300 a month into - his brother is 26 with a job....

I’ve always liked mine but we had no direct relationship, I would never call her or see her without DH. Since we had DD and I’ve been on mat leave that has changed and I will face time her or arrange a walk so she can see DD, she’s very much a besotted grandmother. She’s also the only person in my life who seems to have been conscious of how hard it can be to look after a tiny baby and stay on top of everything else so she’s done lovely things like asking if she can come round and do some gardening for us, or dropping off some nice food. We are very different people but she is kind and she loves my husband and my daughter and that’s enough for me

She is dead now, but the thought of her always puts a smile on my face. She was such fun, and such a warm loving person. Just one of those people that light up the world! She still does for me!

Very close to my own mum, so it's not that I needed someone to fill that role, but you just couldn't help loving MIL.

Been with DP 5 years, I get along with her great when I see her and she was very helpful when me and DP where trying to figure out logistics of how the relationship would work long term ( 2 nationalities living in a 3rd country). However I don't know her hugely well as we have spent much of the last 5 years always managing never to be on the same continent at the same time (not intentional). I would like to get to know her better and hopefully will do when covid is over now me and DP are settled in one place.

Unfortunately mine's the sterotype negative. She had a really rough start in life which excuses some of how she is, and her husband is a controlling arse, which explains some more of it. But she's really unpleasant. She's never held down a job properly but believes it's unfair she's not better off; she insisted she was pushed out of her other grandchild's life but when we had DD, we realised all she wants to do with a baby is hold it while it cries and complain that it's crying. She barely bothers with DD now she's a bit older. She was the same with my DP - she moans that we live far away, but when DP lived round the corner, she never once came to visit.

During the first lockdown, she insisted her daughter drive her to the supermarket for the over-70s time slot and accompany her round the shops. She was 59 at the time (she just turned 60). She could see no problem with this. If you said maybe she should let her daughter do the actual shop, alone, so as to reduce risk to her as an older person, she'd say smugly she wasn't at risk, she was under 60. If you pointed out she was going in the time slot for the elderly, she'd say 'no one's stopped me yet' and giggle.

When DD was born, she and DP had a rough time and it was traumatic. DP's mum kept banging on about how lovely it'd be if DD was late and born on Mothering Sunday. In the end DP was in hospital for days while they tried to induce, and DD was born on Mothering Sunday. It was pretty horrible. A year later it's DD's birthday and MIL was back to it saying how great it was that labour took so long as it meant DD was born on Mothering Sunday, and DP was sitting there looking wretched, so I pointed out no, it wasn't great for DP, it was really miserable for her. So MIL burst into sobs and cried, because 'nobody thinks of my point of view'.

That about sums her up. Incredibly manipulative and self-centred.

I was married before, and my ex-MIL was the nicest woman you could wish to meet. I miss her!

I had a fabulous relationship with my mil and fil, which continued after I divorced my husband and up until they both passed away. I do still miss them, they were genuinely lovely people and absolutely adored their grandchildren.

No genuine, deep relationship, but we are cordial. We are just very different people with different world views so our paths wouldn't cross if it weren't for DH.

I am guarded around her as I have heard her gossip about other family members, which obviously keeps the relationship very surface-level!

Mine started out ok with her, but has become a non-relationship over time which I'm fully on board with.

She wanted us both to sleep over at her house every weekend and be there all the time. To begin with I'd spend every Friday night there but wouldn't sleep over most of the time because I like to go back to my own house. This caused some friction and incessant comments no matter how many times I explained to her I didn't want to basically live with her at the weekends. She doesn't like when I stand up to her and my OH doesn't really make the point clear when he does the talking.

I think she sees her two fully adult sons as children still and probably can't stand that they're away from home and independent. It doesn't come across as healthy at all.

Pre-covid I was seeing her an afternoon once every few months and my OH saw her weekly.

Now I haven't seen her since February and I'm glad there are no plans to see her again any time soon 🥳

I like her and we get on. Been with DH 17/18 years, and she’s always very welcoming and her home is our home when we go and stay. She loves the DC and is really kind. Wish we lived closer (350miles apart) as I think we’d have a better relationship if we did. It’s intense, and therefore we annoy each other when we see each other as we are in each others pockets, as both have small homes. If we were closer we’d see each other more often for shorter periods, and she’d see the DC more often, which has been a big issue this year. She’s someone I’d be friends with in a different life, even with a 30yr age gap.

I got on really well with DP's mum - she was incredibly intelligent and funny, with lots of great stories. She liked me too - we spent quite a bit of time together, I'd go and visit on my way home from work for a brew and we'd have a bitch about politics.

I'm always sad that we didn't get more time than a few years to get to know each other - obviously not as sad as I am for DP not to have her around any more, but I miss her and wish we'd had decades of breaking the MIL/DIL trend

Loathsome woman. Can’t help but try and inflict her racist and homophobic views on my kids to “educate” them about the “real world”.... Called my then 12 y/o DD a slut because she was playing with makeup that she had saved her pocket money to buy. Threw an an epic tantrum and called me an ungrateful food snob in front of my DH because I wouldn’t eat the cricket-ball sized meatballs that I had helped her prepare and explained in the process that I would need to cook something different for myself as they were full of breadcrumbs. (I have coeliac disease.) She maxed out the drama as though I hadn’t disclosed this info. (My kids backed me up, though.) Now the best bit....Plays favourites with my twins - has decided that my girl twin takes after her. (She loathes her more than anyone else in the family!!!) She sent DS fake Lego in a ziplock bag and $5 in a card, and DD2 (his twin) a big box with nail polish and lipsticks (the irony), jewellery and hair doodads and $50 in a card. Who the fuck does that? My husband is Pollyanna and changes history to make her “not THAT bad...” drives me fucking insane. The only thing she is going for her is that she lives about as far away from us as you can get in Australia, and that’s quite some distance!

After 20 years of the most unbearable shit from her, I finally decided to go NC earlier this year. No idea why I didn't do it sooner.