Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

[meadinchelsea]

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

The thing is waste is in the eye of the beholder. I also think that travel is a better use of money than a bag, but there's a pretty compelling argument that it's far more wasteful to spend the money on a trip and so have nothing to show for it the day after you get back than on an item that would at least have resale value. And I see why the OP is annoyed it went on someone else, but on the other hand if her DS had said as a small child that buying someone a present was a waste of money because he could spend it on himself instead he'd have got a lecture about it being better to give than to receive!

I said upthread he could spend it as he pleased.

But for me, I’d be sad that the money our not very rich family have put away to give the kids a jump start that we didn’t get was spent on someone else.

That is all.

TheLady Where as I would be delighted that I had brought up a young man who wanted to treat his long term girlfriend to a fabulous birthday gift.

It's part of that first flush of freedom, blowing money on something daft and learning how to budget. I'm sure most of us know people who blew most of their loans in freshers week and lived on 9p noodles the rest of term.

This year has been especially hard on students who have been treated like lab rats, without any reward.
Get off his case.

I am missing out on all of this fun by sending any post DS1 receives on to him without asking him.

Indeed. A lovely expensive gift that she asked for from a student who she must know is being supported by his parents and is therefore not exactly flush.

A lovely thought on his part yes. But as I also said, no way would I ask anyone - loaded or not - for a £500 bag. And I would not be exactly chuffed If someone took advantage of my lovely nephew’s nice nature in a similar fashion. IF that is what has happened here. IF.

I guess we just differ.

I would be disappointed at his spending choices and also his choice of girlfriend.

What gf specifically asks for an expensive gift from a student who is not from a wealthy family as a present? And even if your son were from a wealthy family, what does this say about the values of a woman who wants status symbols and expects her boyfriend to buy it for her and asks for it by name rather than earn it herself. I would consider her materialistic and shallow.

This is a veeeery long thread but I’ll throw in my two penn’orth having been kind of on the other side of this as a student.

I bought an expensive student ball ticket. My mother, who gave me help towards living costs each month, was furious with (what she felt was) this frivolity and misuse of her money. I had bought it with my savings/gift money, which I felt was quite different. I was equally furious with her for being (I felt) controlling and untrusting.

We had a row and she grudgingly accepted that I had about half a point. It affected our ability to talk about money for years after.

In brief: I think given he’s done this from his savings, you ought to stay out of it. But I wouldn’t be inclined to give him £ if he then wants to eg travel and there isn’t enough in the pot.

YANBU to have a personal opinion on how he's spent the money but you would be VU to voice that opinion. It's his money and he can do what he wants with it. How would you feel if he started commenting on how you spend your money?

YABU

I haven't read the whole thread but understand where you're coming from because I would feel disappointed and upset as well and would let both of them
Know about this as he is a student. Time will come when he would wish he had kept the £450 and just got her a £50 bag instead but don't remind him of this when that time comes, he will figure it out himself. Students splash out their loans during the first week and regret it later, this is a just a vicious cycle unfortunately because they haven't worked for that loan and received it in a large sum so it has no value to them. Of course not all students but most live like this.

@greensnail

Its his money. DH blew his student loan on my engagement ring, 20 years on and I believe he still thinks it was a good investment.

That was his money though

Your parents/PILgace your son money instead of other gifts though ... doubt they’d want it to go on a GF not their grandchild!

Your anger will I hope teach your son to consider value of money

He’s a fool, she’s very cheeky indeed: why isn’t she buying her own bags/asking her parents/GPs!

Maybe teach him how to be responsible with money. If he still needs financial support from you despite a part time job, he shouldn't be spending £500 on a bag for the gf.

I gave a relative £350 for his birthday and said I hoped he would spend it on something substantial to benefit him rather than frittering it away bit by bit. He spent it on bills (phone, electricity, etc) so he has nothing concrete to show for it. In the end he would have to have paid those bills anyway. Although I would like him to have spent it on something he could see and use Its not really any of my business how he spent it.

@sneakysnoopysniper
If someone is living month to month and always has a bill due and then they're given £350, the sensible thing to do is to pay some bills with it and then maybe keep a bit of money in the bank. There's nothing wrong with it.

WTAF? Stop trying to control your son with money. This is why I hate the fact that university students do not get grants anymore and many of them have to rely on their parents to fund them through university. It means that people with controlling parents are unable to break free from them in the way they could in the past. You should never give a money gift with strings attached, if you find yourself doing that then you need to take a long, hard look at yourself and your motives for giving that gift. It's not up to you to police your son's spending of HIS money.

I'll give you a little warning OP. I have a mother who has tried for years to control and hurt me with money. I have had to buy my freedom by losing out monetarily in many ways but it has been so worth it. I make my own money and spend it how I please. I haven't spoken to my mother for 20 years.

Sorry - I cannot believe so many PPs have said you were BU! Firstly - £500.....???? Utterly stupid and ridiculous and you need to have a serious chat about value for money and costs of living etc. That is what very rich (and stupid) people might spend on a bag if they are well off and can afford it.

It is not what young student types can afford or should even aspire to until they are earning - is she working? I have worked for decades and earned some seriously good money in my time. I have spent big on certain, practical, (lovely....) purchases, but only after my mortgage was under control and when it wouldn't impact on essentials. I have never ever spent £500 on a bag!

You need to explain that the money was for helping him get on in life, and talk about priorities. If she knows he is a student she also knows he can't afford that - she's a taker. Stop supporting him and let him learn the value of money - if you don't do it now he will never learn! Good luck.....

That's his birthday and Christmas money. Not a uni fund

Well it might not be right but I'd cut down the financial support for him too. If he wants to blow that kind of money on his GF then he can earn it to start with.

My boys have money from birthdays and Christmas saved up - they're still only fairly young though (12 and 8) - and when they want to spend it, they're told to weigh up carefully whether or not this is how they want to use the money, rather than saving it for something bigger and better later in life. Sometimes they realise that actually they'd rather save it for something bigger, sometimes they're just that desperate for whatever it is that takes their fancy now that they go for it.

But it is made Very Clear to them that once it's gone, it's gone and I won't be replacing it later.

I have seen the results of unconditional financial support in my husband's family and I refuse to go that route with mine when they get older. It will be interesting to see if I'm ever in that position - I sincerely hope not but who knows - and whether I can hold firm.

It's his money. If it meant he got into debt and wanted you to bail him out, then I would see your point. As it is you are treating him like a child. If the support you give him has conditions then you shouldn't give it.

Right. A few things.

A. We only have OPs word for it that the GF asked for the bag. My brother would have said that at his age too despite the fact she probably didn't and he just wanted to treat her.

B. He hasn't said the full £500 has gone on a bag at all. What's to say he didn't spend £250 on a new xbox s series and £250 on a designer bag?

C. If I ever caught my DDs bfs mother (many years away yet thankfully) talking about her like this online or to anyone she would be getting the sharp end of my tongue, or a fist to the face. Most of you are so fucking vile about a girl who you don't even know for sure asked for a bag. I highly doubt she did. Not only that but OP claims to like her and still talks about her like this. I'd hate to see what you were like about someone you dislike OP.

D. It's his money. And his post. And his life. If you want to withdraw support because you raised a kind, thoughtful ds because you don't agree with what he spent his savings on, then go take a look in the mirror and think about exactly what you are saying. I'm so disappointed at the support you are getting over this when you have crossed so many boundaries you're out of the pissing field. Unreal.

@LucilleBluth

I would go absolutely apeshit. I have a DS in his first term at uni. Everything is costing a fortune, I’d actually kill him a s she’s a massive cheeky fucker.

^^ this Plus what the hell will she want for Christmas