Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

[meadinchelsea]

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

Its really good to hear that your son has a mind of his own and wants to treat his girlfriend to nice present.

Your grandparents may not approve of the way that their grandchild has spent the money, nor may you - but he is not you, you can't make these choices for him.

You have brought him up well and that is all you can do, you must now sit back and let him lead his life. I bet your very proud of the way he behaves, treats his friends - take joy in the positives about your ds and what my 22 year old tells me is

be thankful mum Im not out selling drugs or getting drunk every night of the week

and I have to think - yeah, they are good people and they are different from me

It’s nothing to do with you and none of his business. He could spend that money on drugs and prostitutes and it would still be none of your business.

Would it? I’d be incredibly concerned and upset if my son, at any age, was spending money on drugs and prostitutes, given buying drugs is illegal and a lot of them are addictive and harmful, and using prostitutes would make me question what I’d taught him about sex and relationships. Even more so if he was still financial dependent on me (as OP’s son is).

I think this attitude that parenting stops at 18 and anything they do past that age is none of your business is incredibly simplistic - any decent parent remains still concerned about their child’s welfare past that age.

you are also supporting him financially, therefore he is not completely independent

My sister did similar and my parents went bonkers. They were giving her money to support her while she studied and she blew it on a friend.

There is a big difference between being concerned and interfering
How are they ever going to learn to stand on their own 2 feet while being micro managed

His money, his decision but I would be as disappointed as you that he didn't value his best egg more especially as it was money saved for him over years by family.

I had a similar nest egg and a long term boyfriend while in uni but would never have dreamed of using that money for an expensive present for my BF at the time. It went to travel, funding expenses for unpaid internships and extra uni expenses. As well as the money my parents sent me.

I paid for presents like that out of money from my student job. I thought it was disrespectful to use my parents' money for things like that even tho ex used to say you get £££ and have lots of £££ you are selfish to not want to do this for me (glad he is gone) but I used to tell him I earn £40 a week that is my budget.

My parents had no problem supporting me even at postgraduate level because they knew I was responsible, appreciated the help and was not taking advantage. I wouldnt support him as much anymore your position.

Your DS has spent one sixth of his savings (collectednover 18 years) on a present he won't even enjoy. I doubt that was the intention behind those who contributed to this fund.

I'd be pretty pissed off too and understand where you're coming from. A £500 bag at uni in my opinion is an absolute waste of cash and it's fucking rude she's not paid him back! As bank of mum and dad is very much alive and kicking, I think you're quite within your right to be annoyed.

This is the reason we haven’t given our daughter the money her grandparents saved for her uni. She manages well on the lowest maintenance grant and we pay her accommodation, so that’s extra towards her from us.
I’d rather she has the money when she really needs it, possibly when finishing uni trying to find work than when we can still support her as we are both working.

I think it is difficult for you to be mad at him because you have taught him that money is unlimited with the fact that you can afford to financially support him away from home AND he has savings already saved for him by other people. He has never had to work to live so he doesn't know the true value of money and therefore knows he can spend it as he wishes and more can come along. He always has his parents to fall back on so he can use his jobs to make money to do things that make him happy, like making his girlfriend happy. Money to him is a mere play token. If you want it to be for something specific like travelling you could convert it into travel vouchers or something.

You should have a proper word with him and show him where your money comes from and how many hours you have to work to fund his lifestyle. You can't be mad at him because you taught him that money is indispensable by giving it to him and I'm guessing the girlfriend knows this too.

It's absolutely none of your business. Why shouldn't he blow 500 on a present for his gf? Would you feel better if he'd bought himself a playstation?

Wow op. What do you mean you’re glad someone understood. Do you mean you’re glad someone agreed?

This lads birthday and Xmas money was saved for him? He got no benefit all those years growing up? And now he’s an adult and eventually given it , you’re pissed off he’s not spending it as you feel appropriate?and in line to millions of people calling his girlfriend a cheeky fucker?

Nice. That’s some real nice stuff right there op.

I think it’s disgusting that there’s such a thing as a handbag that costs £500, and even more disgusting that students (living off their parents) think it’s an acceptable way to spend their money. I’d be livid.

Well the girlfriend sounds greedy and a cheeky fucker to boot. I bet she's gone down in your estimation. I could never imagine asking my student boyfriend to buy me a £500 handbag. Your lad needs to toughen up and learn to say No. Will she be spending the same amount on him for his Christmas or birthday present?

@Welikebeingcosy

I think it is difficult for you to be mad at him because you have taught him that money is unlimited with the fact that you can afford to financially support him away from home AND he has savings already saved for him by other people. He has never had to work to live so he doesn't know the true value of money and therefore knows he can spend it as he wishes and more can come along. He always has his parents to fall back on so he can use his jobs to make money to do things that make him happy, like making his girlfriend happy. Money to him is a mere play token. If you want it to be for something specific like travelling you could convert it into travel vouchers or something.

You should have a proper word with him and show him where your money comes from and how many hours you have to work to fund his lifestyle. You can't be mad at him because you taught him that money is indispensable by giving it to him and I'm guessing the girlfriend knows this too.

I think it's a bit over the top to say that £3k and his parents contributing to him at university (which is built into the system as an expectation) is teaching him that money is unlimited or a 'play token'. He's hardly been raised as a Saudi prince.

I think its awful that she is expecting £500 handbags (if she is) but when I was 22 and my DH 24 and doing his masters in Europe, he used his savings i.e. student loan money to buy me an engagement ring- think it was £500 for both. He lived on pasta and jalapenos for a month, saved up money from his student loan instalments to fly to singapore (where I was living) and ask me to marry him. I wonder, OP, if you would have been ok with that.

We have been married for more than 5 years and own a flat in London together

My dd earned 3k working over the summer. It's hardly a fortune.

I also don't know why people are being so nasty about the girlfriend. We don't know anything about how this came to be. Maybe he said he wanted to buy her something really extravagant and asked her to pick something. Maybe he loves feeling like the big man and the bag brings him more pleasure than it does her. Maybe she is going to buy him an equivalent present - if she buys him a PS5 is that then ok?

Yabvvvu! It's absolutely none of your business what he spends his money on. What his grandparents would have wanted is irrelevant too as it became his money the moment they gifted it to him.

It not for you to disapprove of his decision. Nor is it your position to say anything about it to him.

The language used about the girlfriend on this thread is disgusting. I hope she loves her bag and uses it every time she visits the OP

My children aren't spenders. They have cold hard cash just sitting in their money boxes from relatives. Now the relatives transfer money directly into the children's savings accounts and should they wish to spend it they can, but they don't.

They get bought presents too so are never without gifts. Although teenagers they don't care about branded clothes, or trainers. They have desktop gaming computers so Steam games are relatively cheap compared to Xbox games.

So I can see how the OP's son built up money. I would be pissed that someone thought a £500 handbag was a good investment especially when he is a student and relying on his parents to no doubt pay thousands to support him.

Does she work or is she at uni too?

Me too Patricia.

I would be gutted if the money our family has squirrelled for my sibling’s kids was spaffed on a handbag for someone else.

The thought is kind. Of course it is. But I wouldn’t have asked for a posh handbag from anyone either so what do I know.

I do know if I’d have been lucky enough for something similar, I wouldn’t have wasted it.

Each to their own though.

TheLadyOfShallnot It was his birthday and Christmas money that was out away. It’s his choice what he spent it on.

Who knows what the girlfriend is spending on him. Everyone seems to assume it is one sided, for all you know she spent £1,000 on him.