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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

495 replies

meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 18:55

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

OP posts:
XingMing · 30/11/2020 21:20

What? No biscuit @Buddy?

drtyminded · 30/11/2020 21:20

that will keep him in blowjobs for a while

user1481840227 · 30/11/2020 21:21

@meadinchelsea

Wow ok, so maybe I worded it wrong... his family gifted him the money to be put in a savings account for when he was 18. I've not hid it or controlled it from him FFS!! We actually let him have access early at 17 so he could pay for driving lessons too. It was a lovely thing to be able to give him and he was super grateful for it as what would a 2,3,4 or 5 year old want with it at the time. There was also inheritance added by me when my grandfather died so I just called it that. I've not seen him yet to have a chat about it, but even though I am livid, from the volume of YABU I shall tone it down to a fool and his money chat and leave it there.

He is such a good lad, and usually so sensible with his decisions. Probably why I'm so shocked!

Did he ever get given birthday or Christmas money to spend as he wished or did it all go into that savings account? If he didn't then how would he have learned how to make it last? I have a summer birthday so would learn to ration my birthday money out to last me for the summer.
Doublebubblebubble · 30/11/2020 21:21

YABU

He's an adult. It's his money.

I find it odd that you're checking his statements too, that's his business. Can he check yours?

CoveredInCrayon · 30/11/2020 21:25

This thread has been an eye-opener for me. DH and I are both working class and never had savings growing up. We aren't likely to receive any significant inheritance. We both got part time jobs to help pay for driving lessons, uni etc and neither of us went travelling. As such, we thought our DCs would be really grateful in the future if we put back some of their Christmas and birthday money whilst they were young, so that they could then have this towards their first cars or travelling or university. But judging by the responses here it seems most people don't think this is on!

dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 30/11/2020 21:25

YANBU I'd be worried if he thinks it is usual/normal for women to desire £500 handbags. I could easily afford one but have never felt any handbag to be worth that sort of money.

Doublebubblebubble · 30/11/2020 21:26

[quote meadinchelsea]@cherrypie790 that is exactly why I'm so disappointed, there is no way his grandparents would have wanted him to spend it on a designer bag for a gf.

Also agree with PP, yes the CF gf asking her student bf for such an expensive gift is Shock

It's such a thoughtful generous idea to save for them while they are young, little ones really don't need more toys! I will repeat this for any grandkids I get for sure.[/quote]
They wanted to give him their money though.

Presumably if they gave you were given the same amount would there be stipulations for you?

He bought his GF a bag and he overpaid.

I kind of think it's more wrong that GF now feels compelled, or felt compelled, to pay back half FOR A GIFT.

Jeremyironseverything · 30/11/2020 21:27

Or kids have similar. We've said the money is for a house deposit only.

If that's being controlling then so be it.

I'd be gutted op.

Nicknacky · 30/11/2020 21:29

Jeremy Their Christmas and birthday money is going toward a HOUSE?!

I wish I was your kid.

RedLipstickBigBag · 30/11/2020 21:29

Women are not defined by what their handbags cost (whether it’s +/- £500)
She’s not a good or bad girlfriend because she got bought a pricey bag
Arguably it’s a good purchase as if she keep it in good condition she can resell it

LindaEllen · 30/11/2020 21:30

You are being unreasonable in that it's his money, and he can do what he wants with it (and make his own mistakes, if that's what it turns out to be).

However, if he's going to be spending that much on something that is completely unnecessary, I wouldn't be supporting him with further money.

jessstan1 · 30/11/2020 21:34

It's his money. I know he told you to open the letter but I think he should be more discreet with his finances.

Sometimes you can buy designer goods second hand, in really excellent condition and sometimes new from outlets. Suggest that he looks around more thoroughly for things in future and then let it go. £3000 is a nice amount for him to have (or have had), but hardly a fortune and I'm sure it gave him joy to buy the bag for his girlfriend. A good bag lasts a long time.

ZoeTurtle · 30/11/2020 21:35

But judging by the responses here it seems most people don't think this is on!

I grew up very poor and working class and no, I wouldn't have appreciated that. It was more important for me to learn how to manage money (by actually having some money to manage) than middle class kids who have mummy and daddy to bail them out. If you don't let your kids have anything until they leave home, they'll spunk it (on much worse than a present for their long-term partner).

Doublebubblebubble · 30/11/2020 21:35

@CoveredInCrayon is that all inheritance is for? Houses? £3k is a lot but not nearly enough for a deposit on a house (at least where I am) let him have fun.

If you want to save up for your kids, keep it in a trust, or an isa, or your own bank account. (My grandad casually had 250k just sat in his MAIN account for my mum, aunt and uncles). Dont just hand a wad of cash to a young man whos just getting his first taste of freedom in uni and say do not touch. It'd be like that experiment of telling a 3 year old to sit in a room with a bag full of their sweets, telling them not to eat any and leaving the room And having a Shock when some of the sweets have gone when you come back.

Nicknacky · 30/11/2020 21:36

jesstan1 I’m using a Mulberry every day that I was bought about 15 years ago!

GarlicSoup · 30/11/2020 21:37

YABVU to refer to the money as an ‘inheritance’.

RedLipstickBigBag · 30/11/2020 21:42

I’ve kept bags in good condition and sold them on eBay
Keep the receipts,tags and bag cover as proof authenticity it adds to resale

CoveredInCrayon · 30/11/2020 21:43

[quote Doublebubblebubble]@CoveredInCrayon is that all inheritance is for? Houses? £3k is a lot but not nearly enough for a deposit on a house (at least where I am) let him have fun.

If you want to save up for your kids, keep it in a trust, or an isa, or your own bank account. (My grandad casually had 250k just sat in his MAIN account for my mum, aunt and uncles). Dont just hand a wad of cash to a young man whos just getting his first taste of freedom in uni and say do not touch. It'd be like that experiment of telling a 3 year old to sit in a room with a bag full of their sweets, telling them not to eat any and leaving the room And having a Shock when some of the sweets have gone when you come back.[/quote]
I'm not sure whether you meant to reply to me? I'm not talking about £3000 or a house deposit. I was thinking more like "Hey surprise, here's an extra £500 towards your first car, we saved this when you were a little kid by putting away some of your Christmas and birthday money." I don't think we would even necessarily tell them that they had it before then. Maybe get to £500, put that in a separate account and then let them save/spend as normal from then on?

peboh · 30/11/2020 21:45

It's his morning. None of your business you are being unreasonable.

emilyfrost · 30/11/2020 21:53

I've not seen him yet to have a chat about it, but even though I am livid, from the volume of YABU I shall tone it down to a fool and his money chat and leave it there.

Except it’s not your place to have a chat with him. It’s nothing to do with you and none of his business. He could spend that money on drugs and prostitutes and it would still be none of your business.

PatriciaPerch · 30/11/2020 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thevassal · 30/11/2020 21:57

but why have you assumed that the money has come from his "inheritance" just because it came from that account?

he has x amount of money
£3000 came from these savings
£a amount came from his part time job
£b amount comes from you every month (your decision)
£c comes from student loan if he has one
all together adds to his total income.
He could be thinking that he uses the money from you from basics, which he has, and then the rest is his to spend how he likes. In his mind he could have paid for the bag out of his part time earnings, not his inheritance.

Yes its not the best use of money, but I knew lads in uni who could spend £500 on just one or two nights out. A decent pair of trainers could cost nearly £200 quid. At least he's not spending it on coke and porn!

I don't think you would be unreasonable to have a bit of a chat about how quickly money goes, how hard you have to work to earn it, etc.but at the end of the day you have to accept that once he has accrued money in whatever means, be it wages, inheritance, etc. it is his money and he can decide what to do with it. At some point there will be something he wants and he will realise it might have been handy to have that £500, but that's for him to learn.

If you think you are being too generous, cut the amount you give him or, for example, pay his rent up front or load £100 onto a tesco card every month if you want it "your money" to go just towards essentials, but, realistically, ultimately it's all the same "pot" of income.

Lagoonablue · 30/11/2020 22:02

Only on MN would you get these aggressive ‘you’re so controlling!’ Responses.

He’s legally an adult. However he is still financially dependent on his parents and now he’s spaffed £500 on a bag. Yes not much you can do but YNBU being a bit pissed off.

Whattodo914 · 30/11/2020 22:05

[quote meadinchelsea]@cherrypie790 that is exactly why I'm so disappointed, there is no way his grandparents would have wanted him to spend it on a designer bag for a gf.

Also agree with PP, yes the CF gf asking her student bf for such an expensive gift is Shock

It's such a thoughtful generous idea to save for them while they are young, little ones really don't need more toys! I will repeat this for any grandkids I get for sure.[/quote]
This would annoy me so much too, OP. But teenagers can be shallow. There isn’t anything you can really do about it. I suppose when his money runs out and he’s broke, then he’ll realise how he wasted it.

But if you get too naggy or “I told you so”, you’ll only worsen your relationship with him as he’ll get defensive and angry.

boredasf · 30/11/2020 22:07

My son gets given a crap load of money each year as we're blended and gets money from 3 sets of grandparents and aunts, uncles etc. If we gave it all to him he'd spend £2000 on iTunes. We make him save half and he can spend half. No idea what he'll do with the cash, maybe a car, but that's up to him.

Wtf is an adventure anyway? Do you mean travel?

My mum on the other hand took my money that I'd saved for years from birthdays etc and put it in some dodgy scheme and lost it. I expected my £3000 to go on driving lessons only to find it no longer existed.