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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

495 replies

meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 18:55

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

OP posts:

IJustWantSomeBees · 01/12/2020 14:11

@UsedUpUsername You cannot claim it was objective when we know nothing of the scenario in which it happened! And even if it was stupid of the son to buy it for her, why is it her responsibility to ensure he spends his money wisely? I think, if anything, it shows a healthy sense of maturity that his girlfriend has not fallen into the trap so many women here do of mothering their boyfriend and claiming responsibility for his mistakes.

Original poster

meadinchelsea · 01/12/2020 14:13

So many different opinions!!

Final word from me, with thanks to all who responded...

I won't be falling out, having a word or repeating any of this to my DS gf, it's not my place. She's generally a lovely girl who I genuinely care about, this was a lapse in judgement possibly that of course I wouldn't hold against her!! It was DS who agreed to buy it with his own money (again, I didn't withold any birthday or Christmas presents it was given to me to put in an account for him...) we will have a chat about the cost privately and of course I'm not going to cut any funding we give while he is studying, that is completely separate.

I'm really not a horrible controlling mother, I was just voicing my disbelief to strangers to gauge opinions... thanks

OP posts:

AnnnaBananna · 01/12/2020 14:15

Other people are greedy and when they see someone has a bit of money they will press them to share. Teenagers are naive enough to be pressed into sharing. This is exactly why I have my son’s money in an account in my name, so he can’t be pressured into dishing it out to all and sundry before he’s mature enough to understand that’s not the done thing. Is there any way you can prevent him accessing the rest of the money and keep control of it?

ancientgran · 01/12/2020 15:25

No, hopefully she’ll dodge the bullet. Or be posting here that her mil has no boundaries and still thinks her husband is 12. Too true. It makes it easier to understand the MIL threads on here, and the DsIL, and sometimes their partners, who go no or low contact.

The most I'd say is, "Wow you're generous."

2bazookas · 01/12/2020 15:54

@ZoeTurtle

I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.

This is such an obvious lie. You snooped. Another red flag for you being controlling with HIS money.

Do you enjoy the control that financially supporting him gives you?

Its common practice for students who have left home, to use the parental home address for all important mail, bank statements, grants, DVLA, memberships etc etc ; it's more secure, and saves changing official details multiple times while at university. Then, from university, they call home, parent says "you've had a letter from the bank/hospital whatever, and is told to open it. and tell them what itsays. Ours all continued this habit for years after they graduated and were working/training all over UK and abroad. Its not snooping, or control; its just what parents do for mobile students.

Looks like many posters here have no experience of supporting dependent student offspring , and have no clue what a financial balancing act it is for the whole family.

wink1970 · 01/12/2020 16:40

he hasn’t spent it on crack and prostitutes!

.....that reminds me of that great quote from George Best quote: "I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered."

misses point of thread

Darkrainbowsquid · 01/12/2020 17:35

I’m an totally with you. I would be more upset by his CF girlfriend having the cheek to ask for it knowing he is a student etc.

Commonwasher · 01/12/2020 17:36

Gosh people have been harsh to the OP. I would be put out in her shoes.

I would have a chat about sensible uses for that money and also remove £2K from the account and put it in one which he will get access to at 21 — it will focus his mind on how use the remaining £500, I expect he will be less inclined to spend it on a handbag.

OwlOneAmorFati · 01/12/2020 17:44

@TheKeatingFive

but will the gf now have to be 100 grateful for, 100% aware of how the gift annoyed his mother

Honestly, this kind of thing is ridiculous. It’s not the gf fault that his mother is ‘annoyed’. It was his money and decisions about spending it lie at his door.

Not ridiculous. It is the crux of it. I would feel very resentful if i was made to feel grabby for a gift id 50% funded myself.

The whole thing is ridiculous though. I have a v nice handbag and the suggestion that that makes you shallow is some tedious leap 🤔

catnoir1 · 01/12/2020 17:47

He's 17 and it's his money. He hasn't blown through the lot. He's bought one expensive item that I'm sure his gf appreciates.

LazyDoll · 01/12/2020 17:48

He’s a student. This is exactly the sort of thing you do when you’re a student. I asked my parents to lend me money to fund the last part of my travels and pay for food/accommodation. I lived in a car, ate pasta and used the money to jump out of a plane. We all laugh about it now 🤦🏽‍♀️😂.

Hmm1234 · 01/12/2020 17:49

Be happy he hasn’t blown the whole fund on an engagement ring

ninka68 · 01/12/2020 17:50

If they end up staying together then it was a good investment. If they split up (partly after discovering that GF is not a woman of her word) then it's a far cheaper way of finding out than a divorce!

Lucyk1 · 01/12/2020 17:51

I'd have a word with your son... Surely someone at university standard would have more sense to run for the hills at any gf that wants a 500.00 designer bag. That's just a future slippery slope...

Ginseng1 · 01/12/2020 17:51

Am with you 100%. If he was independant & supporting himself then yes it's his business. But the guy is being put through college by his parents then spends 500 on a bag for his gf?!! I'd be ripping with him for being so stupid n her for being grabby. Who has frigging designer handbags in college?!!

FelicisNox · 01/12/2020 17:51

YANBU and it's not his money per se.

It was specifically for uni, not for handbags and all these sanctimonious responses saying it's none of your business and it's his money are downright laughable (and a lie because if was their kids they'd be bloody livid as well).

You're supporting him financially so you DO have a say in how this money is spent and I would remove his access to that money going forward.

In my vast experience of teenagers he will learn his lesson eventually but it certainly won't be any time soon so you need to nip this in the bud now and make it clear that the money needs to go back into his account ASAP via his PT job and the next time you see the GF tell her nicely to kindly stop asking your son for £500 handbags as in case she hasn't noticed, he's a uni student on a part time wage who can't afford these extravagant gifts.

You're his parent so parent him. Everyone else on this thread who thinks otherwise needs to give their head a wobble: kids are treated like adults when they start acting like adults and when they're not being bankrolled by their parents, until that time they do as their bloody told.

honeybun7979 · 01/12/2020 17:54

YABU stay out of his business. Why should she have to pay back what was a birthday present? You sound so overbearing

Kateguide · 01/12/2020 17:57

Wow, I think some people are being harsh on OP. Yes it is HIS money, however, he is still young (although I know people can be bringing up kids of their own at this age).

I was a good child /teenager but when I got to uni in the first couple of terms I was a bit of a prat with money. Fortunately, I didn't get into debt or take out tonnes of credit but I did spend frivolously on clothes / beer etc. Probably because it was the first time I was away from home.

My mum and dad sat me down and we had a chat. How I was living was unsustainable, I needed to live within my means. It was a good life lesson, which fortunately I learnt early on and I have been a saver ever since.

If OP is going to have a similar chat with her son, well I think that's good parenting - not controlling

PatriciaPerch · 01/12/2020 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sceptre86 · 01/12/2020 18:00

I think it is daft and I would be annoyed as his parent. However if you are not going to speak to his gf (rightly so in my opinion, she is not your kid) and are still going to bankroll your son then I don't see why you are annoyed? You aren't seemingly going to do anything about it? It is his money and he can do as he pleases even if that means waste it on designer bag (I have several but dh is not financially dependent in anyone and can afford to buy them for me). Who knows maybe your son will ask for a ps5 for his next birthday so it equals out?

ancientgran · 01/12/2020 18:00

It was birthday and Christmas present money so of course it is his, if you give someone a present don't you think it is their's? How weird.

Just to explain why I'm not lying, my kids got left £5k in GMs will specifically for driving lessons and first car or as a start on house deposit. That money was saved for those very reasons. They had money that was saved from birthdays and Christmas, varied as some had been taken out for a school skiing trip for one of them and a very expensive school holiday for another, but they had between £3k and £6k each. That was their money, I don't actually know what it was spent on, probably a mix of festivals, clothes, laptops, iphones and holidays but it was their money, flat deposit.

VinylDetective · 01/12/2020 18:01

@FelicisNox, it is his money. It’s accrued from various birthday and Christmas presents to him over the years. It’s in a bank account in his name.

My parents would be over 100 now and their parenting was considerably less Victorian than yours!

Sceptre86 · 01/12/2020 18:02

If it was me I would be having words with him about frivolous spending.

angela99999 · 01/12/2020 18:03

I agree with @Fairybatman, tell him you're really not in the business of providing designer bags for his girlfriend so will withhold £500 from your next financial support so he needs to replace it. You may find that he understands this and plans to replace it from what he is earning.
It's all very well for people to say that its his money, but you are the one who will have to subsidise him if he cant pay his rent or buy his food.

tenredthings · 01/12/2020 18:05

I would be really pissed off of my DS was this foolish with his money. I would also question his choice of extravagant girlfriend. Whilst he is depending on you for cash you have a right to question his spending. He needs to learn how to live within his your means !

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