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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

495 replies

meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 18:55

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

OP posts:
Simplyunacceptable · 01/12/2020 10:53

It is his money to spend as he wishes. He’s an adult now so if he wants to spend his money on ludicrous handbags he can do so, not really any of your business.

TheKeatingFive · 01/12/2020 10:54

I also can't believe people are suggesting OP has a word with the girlfriend about asking for an expensive present

I know, right?

Imagine if your partner’s mother sat you down to harangue you for accepting a gift? How would you feel?

This is how nightmare MILs are made.

WiddlinDiddlin · 01/12/2020 11:10

At best OP, you have a LITTLE chat with him about the folly of buying expensive gifts...

However the money was his, as you state it was for emergencies and adventures - he's not likely had a chance at adventures all year, giving a present has hopefully given him some joy.

That money wasn't as some people seem to think, an allowance to live on, he has money from you and his p/t job for that. If he were spending THAT on things he can't really afford I think you'd have a bigger problem and more reason to have a serious talk to him.

As it stands he has used what he believes to be his money to buy someone hes been with a long time, a present - the size and extravagance of the present may be foolish but I think your drama over it is disproportionate really.

buckingmad · 01/12/2020 11:11

@ancientgran

can see why people are saying let him make his own mistakes but it's hard when the mistake he is making is with money thoughtfully set aside by grandparents that are no longer here. According to the OP it was birthday and Christmas money when he was 2, 3 or 4. As a grandparent who gives money to grandchildren I wouldn't be worrying about what they are doing with it in 15 years time. It is different if grandparents set up a "uni fund" but his birthday and Christmas presents are his.
My Grandma would give us a token amount of actual birthday/christmas money but then put extra money in bonds. The money in bonds was birthday and christmas money but it was "for" a car or uni etc. So I guess it depends what the grandparents said when they put the money in.
IJustWantSomeBees · 01/12/2020 11:15

@LivingDeadGirlUK

I also can't believe people are suggesting OP has a word with the girlfriend about asking for an expensive present. We have no idea how the topic came up, who offered first, if the OP's son gave her a limit which she chose from or if she was just like 'I want this £500 handbag for my birthday, go buy it for me'. They aren't children, this could be OP's future daughter in law, it would be a huge red flag to the gf of how her future mother in law will be.
Exactly this. It will just breed resentment (and rightfully!) for the girlfriend if the OP tries to make her responsible for her son being responsible with his money/blame her for her son's actions.

Also, whether it is a reasonable gift to ask for is subjective, to some it will seem outrageous to others it will not and I don't like the tone some people are taking implying that the girlfriend is a gold-digger; it's such a sexist concept.

CorianderQueen · 01/12/2020 11:39

Annoying and stupid but it's his money now.

CorianderQueen · 01/12/2020 11:40

Plus it's not like he can go on 'adventures' this year or maybe next.

thecatsthecats · 01/12/2020 12:12

@TheKeatingFive

I also can't believe people are suggesting OP has a word with the girlfriend about asking for an expensive present

I know, right?

Imagine if your partner’s mother sat you down to harangue you for accepting a gift? How would you feel?

This is how nightmare MILs are made.

Agreed.

Some really nasty language about her, when posters have no idea how that went down.

"Oh, I'd luuuuuurve a Mulberry. They're so pretty."

(My husband had a propensity to buy me expensive things because they're well marketed and were a 'safe' way to spend money. And when I chose my engagement ring to my max budget, he went and upgraded the gold for another £250.)

UsedUpUsername · 01/12/2020 12:16

@ancientgran

DS was kindly gifted this money by hard working family members for his future No he was given birthday and Christmas presents. His mother has decided not to give it to him till he's at uni, she now wants to control what he spends it on.

He should have been allowed to make decisions years ago and he'd be in a better position to make decisions now.

This wasn’t the case. She explained that the money was specifically set aside for this fund.
liveitwell · 01/12/2020 12:18

YABU. He's an adult and it's his money to spend as he wishes.

If you don't want to pay for his uni, don't. I survived without any financial support from my parents. You can't use that as an excuse to control his spending.

UsedUpUsername · 01/12/2020 12:21

Also, whether it is a reasonable gift to ask for is subjective, to some it will seem outrageous to others it will not and I don't like the tone some people are taking implying that the girlfriend is a gold-digger; it's such a sexist concept

It was objectively poor judgement to accept such an extravagant gift from a student still being supported by family. They both have displayed an astonishing lack of maturity here.

Reverse the sexes and no one would think this appropriate at all. Imagine money being set aside for your daughter’s future being spent on an Xbox or some other dumb thing for her BF ...

TheKeatingFive · 01/12/2020 12:35

It was objectively poor judgement to accept such an extravagant gift from a student still being supported by family.

We have absolutely no idea how this went down.

He could have been giving her the billy big balls routine about how he has all this money tucked away and wanted to treat her.

She may not have known how much it cost.

He may have spun a tale about getting it on sale or something.

She may have protested but he wouldn’t listen.

I expect it’s fairly unusual to turn down a gift from a loving partner. Though you might chide them a bit for being extravagant. I’m finding the attempts to shift blame onto her very strange.

canigooutyet · 01/12/2020 12:36

Once the money was given to him it was his choice to spend it how he wanted.

It's still his birthday/christmas money and not really his fault if others decided what he would be doing with it.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 01/12/2020 12:37

'think it’s none of your business really?'

Of course it's her 'business' as they are still financially supporting him! Fine if he was financially independent but this is taking the piss massively.

canigooutyet · 01/12/2020 12:38

With his loan/grans and part time job is the additional money from family needed?

chestnutshell · 01/12/2020 13:04

Can he replace the money into the savings account with money he receives from his job? I often “borrow” money from my savings for bigger ticket items and replace the money in the coming months and I did this when I was a student too.

I don’t like some of the comments about the GF being “grabby” on here. He’s young and in love and weren’t we all a bit daft when young and in love? I’d imagine a conversation with him explaining that although it was a lovely gesture, that wasn’t really what the money was for and it may give him piece of mind to replace that money gradually would be better than pure fury at him and the GF for what was a youthful show of extravagance.

Having said that, if it’s some Michael Kors monstrosity then YANBU

Viviennemary · 01/12/2020 13:08

If you are supporting your DS financially he has no business to be spending £500 [on a handbag. And shame on her for asking for and accepting such an expensivd gift. I'd want it returned for a refund. Or else I'd cut his allowance.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 01/12/2020 13:15

@UsedUpUsername

Also, whether it is a reasonable gift to ask for is subjective, to some it will seem outrageous to others it will not and I don't like the tone some people are taking implying that the girlfriend is a gold-digger; it's such a sexist concept

It was objectively poor judgement to accept such an extravagant gift from a student still being supported by family. They both have displayed an astonishing lack of maturity here.

Reverse the sexes and no one would think this appropriate at all. Imagine money being set aside for your daughter’s future being spent on an Xbox or some other dumb thing for her BF ...

You are assuming he surprised her with it though, we don't know if that's the case. They could have had a conversation and he told her that he wanted to buy it for her and had the money for it. Are we bringing our daughters up now to analyse if they are worthy of their gifts in comparison to their partners status?

Your reverse situation actually makes it better in the sense that an Xbox is a great gift compared to an overpriced handbag, my partner bought me a Playstation when I was a similar age, it was brill.

BorderlineHappy · 01/12/2020 13:17

This reply has been deleted

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VinylDetective · 01/12/2020 13:28

My guess incidentally is that you won't become the MIL to this young woman.

No, hopefully she’ll dodge the bullet. Or be posting here that her mil has no boundaries and still thinks her husband is 12.

TheLadyOfShallnott · 01/12/2020 13:42

Lovely though his sentiment was, his gesture had just dropped her right in it with his mam regardless of who asked or offered.

And to also tell his mam that she hadn’t paid half?

Yup. He has popped her right in it.

But I question her wisdom - whether she asked or just accepted. She knows his financial set up.

Nottherealslimshady · 01/12/2020 13:50

@BorderlineHappy not sure if you misquoted or I miswrote.

I obviously meant dont end up giving him the extra money when he decides he's skint. It's his money to do with what he wants but you dont spend all your own money on luxuries then go running to mummy and daddy for some of theirs do you?

BorderlineHappy · 01/12/2020 13:51

I dont get why the gf was brought in to the conversation at all. Her ds bought the bag.

Before this she got on well with the gf, so over a bag shes willing to ruin her relationship with her ds and his gf.

Madness.

Throwntothewolves · 01/12/2020 14:04

We all had some money put away for us that came from grandparents. My parents (aunties and uncles for their children) had to release the funds, no matter what age we were. That meant this sort of thing couldn't happen. All of us used the money for deposits for helping fund further education spending, car purchases and we all put the rest toward house deposits. That made us really think before asking for the money. There's no way we would have asked for money to fund a £500 gift.
At the end of the day his money, his choice, but I understand how galling it is to you

chestnutshell · 01/12/2020 14:10

“Your reverse situation actually makes it better in the sense that an Xbox is a great gift compared to an overpriced handbag, my partner bought me a Playstation when I was a similar age, it was brill.”

^in your opinion. I love my designer bags and have no need of an Xbox. Use a bag everyday.