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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

495 replies

meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 18:55

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

OP posts:
TheKeatingFive · 01/12/2020 08:48

I'm afraid I don't like it

Well don’t use it then Wink

Gifted could mean that he gave something that was already

So the son already owned the designer handbag? That’s both unlikely and kinda renders the whole point of the thread void.

diddl · 01/12/2020 08:53

@dontdisturbmenow

I'd be disappointed that my son was in love with a girl, however lovely she is, valued a designer bag as a present when they are not yet well off.

I'd be worried they'd end up together and her expectations continued to grow.

Yes, it's all her fault, isn't it?
HailFairy · 01/12/2020 09:12

As uni students my DH actually did inherit a similar amount...and spent it mostly on gifts for my 21st and a holiday together.

A bit went towards my engagement ring.

I expect at the time his parents weren’t overly thrilled, but they never commented.

15 years, 2dc and a very happy marriage later, it’s completely irrelevant.

And yes, there were times when the car needed fixing, or we needed something for the house, that we thought about how useful the money would be but that’s how you learn.

And we spent it having great fun together, in a way that it’s much harder to do once you have the commitments of family, a mortgage etc. That’s worth a lot.

jukester · 01/12/2020 09:23

I'd be livid but he will learn that is was a bad idea

I had 8k of savings- moved out and 18 and I blew the lot by aged 20. Now aged 33 I can't believe I was such a twat..we could have got on the property ladder earlier then we did and may not have struggled so much financially.

But at aged 18-20 I thought I knew best. I didn't have maturity to see otherwise

Meraas · 01/12/2020 09:39

Well the money is his now but I would

  1. stop financially supporting him if this is how pisses away money

  2. stop paying for GF to go on holiday with you, she can pay her own pay.

ancientgran · 01/12/2020 09:45

I think it is unreasonable to talk about stopping supporting him. The maintenance loans are based on parents contributing plus it is incredibly controlling and a great way to ruin your relationship with him.

Whammyyammy · 01/12/2020 09:49

Id withdraw financial support..if you don't, you've indirectly bought his gf a £500 bag. If he can afford to buy such gifts, he clearly can be a proper adult and support himself.

Time to cut mummies apron strings on the little soldier

IJustWantSomeBees · 01/12/2020 09:56

I would be pissed off if my (adult) long-term boyfriend bought me a generous gift for my birthday and his mum was getting involved and telling people that I was a CF because of his choice. Not everyone wants to go on adventures, it's your sons money and he chose to be generous with it.

However, you are also choosing to be generous by supporting him through uni. As others have said, if he has £500 to spare on a gift you are perfectly within reason to reduce how much financial support you offer him based on this fact.

Tamingofthehamster · 01/12/2020 09:59

I would be livid too. I would tell him how many hours his grandparents would have worked to earn that money that he just threw away to give a grand show-off gesture to his girlfriend.

dontdisturbmenow · 01/12/2020 10:06

Yes, it's all her fault, isn't it?
It's not about fault but expectation. She asked for it.

I'd rather my Uni DS go out with a young woman with lower expectations but of course, it would be his decision - and lesson to learn :)

diddl · 01/12/2020 10:11

"but of course, it would be his decision - and lesson to learn"

Well yes.

He didn't have to buy it even if she did ask!

Do we even know did she just outright ask?

As far as we know the money wasn't given to him with any conditions on how on on whom he should spend it.

And the financial support that Op currently gives wasn't/isn't dependent on how that money was spent either.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 01/12/2020 10:14

I agree its a silly thing to buy, but this is how we learn about money management when we are young. So many people at uni piss their first semester loan up the wall because its the first time they have had access to a lump sum of money. It would be easy for him to spend £3k in a year just going to the pub a couple of times a week, or he could buy a speedboat off ebay like someone did when I was in my first year O_o (we were at uni nowhere near a large body of water either!).

Your son will now think twice before asking you to open his mail, or telling you about his purchases. It's also not cool to hold the fact you are contributing to his uni costs over him, he could have just taken out the full loan and been self sufficient but I assume you decided you didn't want that and have offered to help him. Help with strings on is quite unpleasant.

hopingforonlychild · 01/12/2020 10:15

Also this thread is quite illuminating, I never knew £500 was enough to get a designer handbag. I thought minimum was £1000.

It must be very small or Aspinal/kate spade/coach (contemporary designers which aren't really status symbols imho).

And no I have never spent £500 on a handbag. DH bought me a longchamp handbag for £250 a few years back and my current bag is the fossil camilla backpack for £100 in the sale. I love looking at bags but always think I am too careless to get 1/money is better spent overpaying the mortgage. And also I didn't know you can get one for £500! £500 maybe but £1000 is just insane.

HikerBiker · 01/12/2020 10:17

You are right to be raging that he’s being so frivolous whilst still dependent on you.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, if you encouraged him to think of it as an ‘adventures and emergencies’ fund, perhaps he got the impression he should not think of it as normal money to include in budgeting for food etc, but it was for fun stuff only.

I think £500 for a bag shows a very worrying attitude to spending though. I would never spend that even now, never mind as a student.

AryaStarkWolf · 01/12/2020 10:17

It is his money however if I was still financially supporting him I'd be pissed that he'd spent £500 on a handbag

LivingDeadGirlUK · 01/12/2020 10:18

All the people saying to withdraw financial support, he has £3k in savings minus the bag and what he was allowed to spend on driving lessons. How long is that going to last in rent and living expenses? The OP is offering financial support assumedly so he doesn't have to take out a loan, she could ask him to give all his remaining savings to her I guess, and she will carry on supporting him safe in the knowledge he doesn't have any spare cash to splurge on things she doesn't approve of.

TheKeatingFive · 01/12/2020 10:20

It's not about fault but expectation. She asked for it.

Did she? We only have this conversation third or fourth hand. She may have simply admired it and it spiralled from there.

And even if she did, he didn’t have to get it for her.

FestiveChristmasLights · 01/12/2020 10:21

Be honest, have you tightly controlled his access to money up until now? Has he had a monthly allowance to budget for his clothes and rent etc up until now or have you given him money when needed and now let him go away with access to a huge sum for the first time?

Pechanga · 01/12/2020 10:22

I've only glanced through this thread but find it strange that some posters are calling OP controlling etc. How odd? I think OP's concern is perfectly justified.

As you are also very close to the long term girlfriend I'd include her in the discussion and sit them both down and convey these concerns to them both.

DS was kindly gifted this money by hard working family members for his future (study, travels etc.) although this money is his to spend it was not intended for designer gifts for his girlfriend. You are disappointed (as would his grandparents be) how he has chosen to spend it, and you are disappointed that GF felt comfortable accepting an extravagant gift like this from him.

I think they both need to be put on the spot about their irresponsible behaviour, let them squirm a bit...But after that...I'm afraid you're going to have to leave it, they are young and foolish and will learn the hard way unfortunately. And ultimately it was his money to spend.

It will really hit home to him when they've broken up one day and she's off dating other boys with his £500 inheritance on her arm!

Honestly, I sympathise I have a uni aged son who sometimes is such a mature fully functional adult and other times he's like an excited toddler...I despair Grin but life is never dull!

Flowers94 · 01/12/2020 10:24

When my son is 18 and the only thing he's spending silly money on is his girlfriend i be the happiest mum alive! Your son has spoilt his long term girlfriend, designer things are very in amongst teens now and he probably wanted to to have what everyone else just. Just as much as she did. He hasnt wasted any other money, id honestly leave it x

AryaStarkWolf · 01/12/2020 10:24

@meadinchelsea

"This is such an obvious lie. You snooped. Another red flag for you being controlling with HIS money."

Nope. Not even remotely true. A letter came for DS I sent him a photo of the envelope and he asked me to open it. End of.

My 20 year old DD often asks me to open letters for her if she's away, ignore that OP
buckingmad · 01/12/2020 10:36

I can see why people are saying let him make his own mistakes but it's hard when the mistake he is making is with money thoughtfully set aside by grandparents that are no longer here. Yes he can make more money but it won't be that money.

I'd have a chat with him and say he can treat his girlfriend as much as he likes but not with the "inherited money". See how generous he is when he has to work however many hours to make that money!

My parents helped me through final year of uni so I didn't have to work as much to pay rent etc and I wouldn't have dreamt of spending "their" money on anything other than the essentials, even though my parents encouraged me to make the most of it. If I wanted something new I got an extra shift to pay for it.

ancientgran · 01/12/2020 10:37

DS was kindly gifted this money by hard working family members for his future No he was given birthday and Christmas presents. His mother has decided not to give it to him till he's at uni, she now wants to control what he spends it on.

He should have been allowed to make decisions years ago and he'd be in a better position to make decisions now.

ancientgran · 01/12/2020 10:39

can see why people are saying let him make his own mistakes but it's hard when the mistake he is making is with money thoughtfully set aside by grandparents that are no longer here. According to the OP it was birthday and Christmas money when he was 2, 3 or 4. As a grandparent who gives money to grandchildren I wouldn't be worrying about what they are doing with it in 15 years time. It is different if grandparents set up a "uni fund" but his birthday and Christmas presents are his.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 01/12/2020 10:50

I also can't believe people are suggesting OP has a word with the girlfriend about asking for an expensive present. We have no idea how the topic came up, who offered first, if the OP's son gave her a limit which she chose from or if she was just like 'I want this £500 handbag for my birthday, go buy it for me'. They aren't children, this could be OP's future daughter in law, it would be a huge red flag to the gf of how her future mother in law will be.