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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son gifted GF a designer bag from uni fund AIBU to be livid?

495 replies

meadinchelsea · 30/11/2020 18:55

Just that basically. The finer details as follows:
Son has a very small inheritance for uni (£3k) that was collected over the years from various grandparents at birthdays /Christmas ect while they were all alive, sadly they have all now passed away. He was given access this year as he moved away to uni and we always said the money is for adventures and emergencies. We (his parents) are financially supporting him while there and he has a p/t job. I savings account statement came in the post to out house (he asked me to open it), I couldn't help but notice it was £500 short. When I asked he said it was his long term girlfriends birthday present, a designer bag.
I'm not sure who I'm more pissed at, my mug of a son for spending it or the CF girl for asking for it (she did, I asked it was a specific one she wanted). He says she will give him half the money back but 2 months on and it's not happened.
AIBU to be fuming at them? Or should I just let him spend his money however he sees fit?

OP posts:

MaskingForIt · 01/12/2020 07:06

@TeachesOfPeaches

I was looking at opening an Kids ISA for my son but as soon as I realised you are unable to control the money as it is in the child's name I decided against it.

What did you open instead? Does a Junior ISA have to be handed over at 18? What about saving into current account in their name and not telling them about it?

nosswith · 01/12/2020 07:15

YANBU to be upset about it. Not sure you can do much about it.

My guess incidentally is that you won't become the MIL to this young woman.

Macncheeseballs · 01/12/2020 07:24

Thats a terrible waste of his funds, i'd also be worried about his taste in women

cptartapp · 01/12/2020 07:27

I'd think far far less of his GF after this.

Macncheeseballs · 01/12/2020 07:31

Dorisdaisymay, when I was 20 I was living a fun young life not obsessing over nonsense such as designer handbags

TheKeatingFive · 01/12/2020 07:35

I’ve not RTFT,

I’m not sure why anyone’s blaming the GF. It was entirely his decision to spend the money.

OP, would you have been as annoyed if he’d spent the same amount on himself?

Skipsurvey · 01/12/2020 07:37

he has to live and learn how to manage his money

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 01/12/2020 07:40

I think this is normal for young people to blow money irresponsibly at one time or another. I know I did. I am sure he will learn from it. You don't have to approve of it and he will have to compensate elsewhere if it comes to it, by working or owing that amount on a loan if he is left short. I remember panicking when I realised I had spent too much money at uni on clothes and going out. I then worked all summer to pay it off.

missmouse101 · 01/12/2020 07:41

Yanbu at all to be livid. Yabvu to say 'gifted' and 'pissed' (when you meant pissed OFF.) What a waste of money, but it does show how kind he is at least.

CakeRequired · 01/12/2020 07:47

I would be telling him he is an idiot for buying it. Expensive presents are nice to give, if you can afford them without getting into debt or using a good portion of your savings, but he is a student, he only has a part time job and he can't afford stuff like that. If she's starting to ask for expensive things, I doubt that taste is going to reduce, so he's going to be left trying to match that all the time now.

He's made a mistake and he's going to have to live with it if anything bad happens. I'd also be telling him under no circumstances would I be replacing that £500. If it's possible for him to buy a bloody handbag with it, then it clearly wasn't needed so he doesn't get to ask for help.

Skipsurvey · 01/12/2020 07:49

we saved and gave ds money for his 18th, but gave him half and the other half on his 21st, that was the best decision.
he blew his money at the age of 18
his friend also was given a stack for his 18th, also blew it.

it is common.

User258544 · 01/12/2020 08:01

What doesn't make sense is that you seem to be saying if DS had spent 500 towards a holiday (adventure) for them, this would be okay. However at this point in time going on holiday isn't much of an option so this was a factor. Whether DS should have spent used of his part time earnings...that's another question. Perhaps needs to think about topping it up and what he plans to do with rest. If the agreement was that she would pay 250 that should be honoured, otherwise it undermines the appreciation of the gift and where it came from. Perhaps a reminder of where the money came from.

OwlOneAmorFati · 01/12/2020 08:20

@RichPetunia

I’ve only read the first page but for everyone who said their children paid for things for their friends, don’t you think that shows a lovely character and reflects a nice person? Doesn’t show them in a bad light at all.

I know! Me too, he saved his christmas money and he bought his gf an expensive present.

It is the expecting the gf to pay half the money bavk that is making me cringe. So crass. I was generous with this gift. No. Wait. Give me back half. 😯

If i had discovered that my son had done this, id tell him that if you have to "ask for half back" then you havent got the wallet to be generous.

Generosity is not to be discouraged but will the gf now have to be 100 grateful for, 100% aware of how the gift annoyed his mother for a bag she 50% funded herself??

If a boy did that to my teenage daughter, put her in that position, i would be explaining to her that that is not a gift, it's a bind.

dontdisturbmenow · 01/12/2020 08:27

I'd be disappointed that my son was in love with a girl, however lovely she is, valued a designer bag as a present when they are not yet well off.

I'd be worried they'd end up together and her expectations continued to grow.

Bluesheep8 · 01/12/2020 08:35

Wow ok, so maybe I worded it wrong... his family gifted him the money

Yes you did. In the thread title too. "Gifted?" gift is not a verb. I know I'm being a pedant but I couldn't concentrate on the rest as this was too distracting.

TheKeatingFive · 01/12/2020 08:38

but will the gf now have to be 100 grateful for, 100% aware of how the gift annoyed his mother

Honestly, this kind of thing is ridiculous. It’s not the gf fault that his mother is ‘annoyed’. It was his money and decisions about spending it lie at his door.

TheKeatingFive · 01/12/2020 08:38

Gifted is morphing into a verb, like it or not.

I think it’s a useful word, more precise than the alternatives.

PatriciaPerch · 01/12/2020 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winechateauxjoy · 01/12/2020 08:40

OP I understand your frustration. I also put money gifts that were given to my dc into the bank for them and they had access to it at 18. They could have had it prior to then if they wanted - but they never needed it. They had all of the toys, phones, laptops etc that they wanted from us, so the additional money was not needed when they were children.

They have now gone through uni - well one is in her final year - and have the money to use at the point in their life when they need it. They both had about £4 thousand each. My son used his money as additional spending - to go to festivals, to take short holidays to Germany and Prague with his uni mates, to buy some nice clothes and upgrade his PC. My daughter has not used any of hers - sh is keeping it banked until she has something she needs it for, like a security deposit for renting when she leaves uni. Of couse this year she has not really had much opportunity to spend it.

Neither of them thought I was being mean banking their cash gifts throughout their childhood. It was no secret. they would come to the bank with me to deposit it, and they enjoyed seeing their savings grow. I think it is an excellent way to encourage good spending and saving habits.

I would have been cross if either had spent that money on ridiculously expensive gifts for someone else. It was money intended for THEM, and not other people. Who on on earth asks their student boyfriend for a £500 bag????

ChalkDinosaur · 01/12/2020 08:41

I'd be annoyed too, but if this is the biggest financial fuck up he makes as a student then you've done a good job as a parent OP. It's not ideal but buying a gift for someone is much better than spending it on drugs or booze, right?

20shadesofgreen · 01/12/2020 08:44

I really think you are overstepping boundaries and veering into trying to control your son.

You are choosing to support him through college. Here in Ireland for many parents it is a given that we have to support our kids through college since we don’t have student loans etc. I don’t think making that by making choice yourself as opposed to it being done out of necessity makes it something you can use as leverage to control your son. Sure you can be disappointed at this one choice, you say yourself he is a good young man, but there is nothing to be said or done by you other than to feel that disappointment which is perfectly appropriate, you feel what you feel but you don’t have to act on every feeling. He is an adult, he is human and will make mistakes, leave him be, he will learn his own way through.

20shadesofgreen · 01/12/2020 08:45

*I don’t think that by making that choice yourself

Bluesheep8 · 01/12/2020 08:45

*Gifted is morphing into a verb, like it or not.

I think it’s a useful word, more precise than the alternatives.*

I'm afraid I don't like it
More precise than which alternatives? 'Bought' perhaps?
The whole point of this thread is that the son spent money. Gifted could mean that he gave something that was already his and cost nothing. So it's actually LESS precise in this instance.

Orangeboots · 01/12/2020 08:45

I know I'm being a pedant but I couldn't concentrate on the rest as this was too distracting. You might have to work on that!

Bluesheep8 · 01/12/2020 08:48

*I know I'm being a pedant but I couldn't concentrate on the rest as this was too distracting.

You might have to work on that!*

you're right

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